Sometimes something that we have at all times, something we consider mundane, can have amazing power. Twilight Sparkle discovers this.
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 12th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen March 30th
Cirrus Sky
I get too many ideas. Mostly Femslash. Lots and lots of femslash.
Cirrus Sky
Joined 12th Mar, 2012 ·
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More later.... Must sleep
all that needs to be said: dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Vinyl_Scratch_lolface.png
Holy crap... Well first off, you seriously need an editor. Like, big time. I caught multiple grammatical errors, not to mention your pacing and organizational skills are kind of lacking... I did laugh pretty hard at the "Epic Wub" bit, though. You've got something interesting going; it just needs some fine-tuning in the "physical beauty" derp-artment, if you get my drift. I'll follow this one.
Hi, just wanted to say that in your description Sometimes should be one word and that you have a typo with 'can'.
Overused trope.
Love the time jumps
Not bad.
But here's a few things:
Your pacing is fine(I think, I'm not as good, technically, as many others), but the speed at which Twilight is turned into an Alicorn is a bit too quick. Take a look at "The Quiet Place". It took time for Twilight to reach Alicorn hood in that story, it didn't feel rushed whereas yours kinda did.
Had you sufficed with the single flash-forward in the beginning and then focused on her 'travel' into the Everfree Forest, up until she reaches the ruins, you could have filled an entire chapter with just that.
Then the second chapter could've been her initial fight & later her attempted escape from those golems. Left as a cliffhanger.
In chapter three, a desperate Twilight Sparkle draws upon resources she never knew she had and the alicornification happens.
LISTEN! I am not saying that you should do this, nor am I suggesting anything whatsoever, I am merely saying what I would have done.
My point is that I feel the entire Unicorn to Alicorn was rushed quite a bit.
Second thing I wanted to mention is also the alternation between past and present; I don't quite like that. It would've been a little more pleasant to read had it been seperated.
Well... That's my two bits
A nice story so far though, a thumps up for that.
1464244 Typo in the description.
1464666
There is a whole group about these things full of a couple hundred people at least who are pretty much always interested in reading more. "Superman punches Bad Guy in the face" is overused too, but noone whines when DC has a new generation of writers do their take on Super Doomsday Punching 7: The Punchening.
Unnecessary shipping is unnecessary. There are a few issues with your pacing, I think. Slow down a bit, provide more insight and description, fill in the space between actions, show and don't tell.
This is for sure going to be featured, this is to good not to be. You did a nice form of going back and forward in time of the events and did it in a pretty seamless way. The concept in it of itself is nice, and the humor you made at the end about that sound was kind of cute and funny, and while you probably did that at a whim, perhaps you can tie those events into the story later on? Namely the one with the Religious war stopping because of her percussive spell. Look forward to seeing more of it
Liked and tracked
EDIT: I also agree with Pilate about the pacing, you probably should slow down future chapters, but I feel you should keep the pace of this chapter as is, i mean it IS a chase scene and things seem to always go by very fast when you are running for your life. Just make sure to slow down in future chapters
EDIT 2:1464745 i feel that it really wasn't unnecessary shipping, it could be an integral part of the story later on. So i say you should hold your judgement on that until later on in the story, okay?
1464717 To be fair, I didn't vote either way on this story. I just didn't feel like reading it on the overused trope.
something else i feel should be addressed though, one thing that DOES bug me.. the speed in which she became an alicorn, I feel you should have written the scene at Creation to be MUCH longer, maybe have it be its own long chapter or just have it be much longer and be part of the next chapter, but just don't have it in which she is suddenly an alicorn, that is just BEGGING to have this story go down Cliche road and it will NOT end well. So PLEASE reconsider that scene and maybe make it so that she is going to SLOWLY turn into an alicorn... I have a few Ideas on how you can do that PM me if you wish to know about them
The story has potential, I'll be tracking it, but it could really use a proofreader/editor. It may be small, but you even have a typo on the description, and first impressions can kill or make a story. If you don't know where to find help you may want to check out groups like Proofreaders and People willing to proof-read and Looking for Editors.
Title spelling error, please fix.
great first chapter!
i noticed a few small grammatical errors, didn't note them down, but they should be easy to find with a spelling program or just waiting and then reading through it yourself (also; they were barely noticeable).
OOOHH! NICE ONE! the potentual here is spectacular
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Ah, I suppose that's cool then. I just get bugged when people dislike a story just based on the concept being overused or some such.
1464244 1464714
Typos in the description.
This is one word.
Mistyped can.
Also, I would recommend redoing the last few paragraphs. You were tired and it showed.
Anyway, have a good rest and a nice heart attack when you wake up.
inb4 featured.
epic just pure EPIC
If you can get a good editor i'm sure this will get featured.
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)
She/he explained many of what I would consider you to do, you also could have had half a chapter explaining the reason for going into the Everfree ( sorry Kapuchu I M just very lazy and tired at the moment
Just remember its your story and its realitively good so far and has great potentical! I am liking and traking!
GOOD LUCK!
Very Good sure it was rushed but I have seen stuff MUCH more rushed that yours and at least yours when rushed has the people acting how they should act... I Still would have loved to have seen you slow down for the transformation part. I would have loved to have read the thoughts twilight was having at that moment I would have loved to have seen you describe the blast in detail other than how far it was heard (I still like it when people hear it it describes the pure power behind it)
Overall Its right now sitting at around the half and half of Decent Twilacorn Stories. Its Right there at the edge of being great but not there yet. But then 95% of the ones now are on that edge to they have just stoped being writen so. Don't stop writing because someone else said something about it being overused I for one love these stories.
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw6245-Mother_of_me....png
This story is going to be awesome.
Very interesting to see where this leads!
1465471
So yeah, my blog post kinda sums up the feels and reactions I have.
To everyone: Start, that was the chapter name yes? Imma going to write more at some point, I have a holiday full of wet evenings and long lazy mornings coming up. I love to write like that (Also Toffee Vodka, ambrosia and muse all in one) so I shall be turning out more.
The stylistic choices are mine. I have been heavily influenced by The Sandman, Discworld a whole heap of pulp SF and most importantly 2000AD's Time Twisters and Futureshocks (There is a book of well known writers stories and one of Alan Moors work. Borrow, beg or pirate, it's a fantastic selection of reads.
So yeah, Cirrus Sky is going for a looong looooong lie down....
I would LOVE it if everything after this point were expanded on. Hey I'd probably end the chapter there and then have everything afterwards expanded into a chapter in and of itself, preferably one at least as long as this one. I would especially like Twilight's part, the Universe of Sound bit, to be expanded upon by at least a paragraph or two, It's obvious that she is at the very least semiconscious there, maybe she could attempt to interact with it before hearing the mysterious voice.
Otherwise I liked it and cannot wait to read more.
Well, to those who disliked the non-linear storytelling... uh.... sorry folks It's sticking for stylistic reasons
They'll all make sense in the end, I promise!
Aaaaaaaah!!! SO. AWSOME...
I liked it.
However, I feel as others pointed, you need an editor. Also, the pacing is a bit fast.
One thing you need to watch out for. Twilight is now an Alicorn. What happens next? I find most of the stories of this type just run out of steam after this. You need to have a longer plot already in mind or the idea of just Twi being an Alicorn doesn't last that long.
Still, clean up this beginning. Maybe slow down the pace a bit and you have a very good piece of work here.
Good show sir!
Yet another alicornization story for me to upvote and favorite. I love the prospect of Twilight being very powerful...
1471886
See, that line is one I just had to include!
So yeah. Thanks for all the support everyone. Chapter 2 is in the writing.
Duuuuddeeeeee..........
update! yay!
great chapter, it's a nice change in mood when considering other suddenly!alicorn-twilight fics, much more light-hearted and less angst, which is nice.
looking forward to more!
why am I thinking the sane harmony loving side of Discord is the voice she was hearing?
... I think I know who the voice was... I'm probably wrong though so who knows//dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Celestia.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_future.png
You've honestly done a rather poor job with this chapter. You are making ponies say things that they wouldn't ordinarily say themselves. For example:
Celestia would never be quite so... blunt.
There is a lot of subtlety missing from the dialogue, to be perfectly honest. You may want to look into getting an editor, if you are dyslexic, as you say you are.
This story shows potential, but currently it lacks execution.
Something I've never seen before, just tossing this out there if this is gonna be a Twilight Alicorn story, would be Twilight having her own personal Royal Guard Contingent. Luna has her Bat-wing Night Guards, Celestia of course has her flashy golden armored stallions, but Twilight doesn't get jack.
Also, really really good story.
1489206
Not all stories ignore this aspect... Rites of Ascension.
1489509
I meant something other than just Rainbow Dash
1489813
Rainbow Dash is best Royal Guard.
There is no competition.
th09.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2011/351/e/d/rainbow_dash_hurricane_armor_vector__by_masterrottweiler-d4je4oe.png
1489860
static4.fjcdn.com/comments/Oh+shit+nigger+we+got+a+badass+over+here+_2b1dff41c08503485852a7e8c0f810ec.png
Lol
1487898
It's ridiculous to think that she'd be okay with the craziness surrounding that spell. the reality of being an alicorn, and maybe having to be a princess. Sleeping and trying to avoid... that sort of makes sense.
I don't buy the lack of angst, it's out of character with Twilight.
Syrahl696 and StormyVenture have some excellent points. All the ponies are slightly out of character. There's very little emotion. Everyone's being too blunt and taking everything far better than they should.
Spike's a baby. How could he possibly know what the word "commission" means?!
There's also some punctuation errors, and the word "plain" in the first paragraph should be "plane" instead.
An editor and a new perspective on your story would benifit it more than anything.
Otherwise, I can't wait to see where this is heading.
I can't wait for the next chapter(s)!
So, Twilight gets access to the power of Creation itself. That's, going to make for an interesting change in her life the instant she realizes what she has in her hooves. nhanced magic, strength, and immortality? Standard for alicorn Twilight. Power of God? That's a new one.
I wish the chapters were longer... that is umh... if it is ok with you ... sorry :'(
I am loving this story and only two chapters in!
Just a question!
How long are you planning this story to be?
1491388
Ok... Confession time:
I wasn't planning on this being longer than a chapter
like my blog explained, it was a bried idea that jumped into my head as I sat listening to music and feeling a bit cruddy. I find writing a great way to vent stressy energy and mental activity.
So, I do have a planned end goal for this story and some things I want to happen on the way but I have a lot of work to do. Not to mention my other project and it's planned outcome, my last crazed writing spree, a not-pony related contest entry and scads of half written short stories and plans for novels...
Then we have the books I keep meaning to read
I do too much.