Sometimes when you have a crush on somepony who you need help from, strange things can happen.
Rainbow Dash had been in love with Twilight for a very long time, but only something as simple as healing a wing drew them even closer to each other.
Will Rainbow overcome her fears and reveal her feelings towards Twilight?
A/N: This is my first ever written story in English. Since it's not my native language, it is pretty hard for me to write it. Criticism is greatly appreciated, it will help me to make future chapters better.
Proofreading ponies:
Chapters I and II - P0nies
Chapters II, IV, VI and VII - BigMacDavis
Chapter V - Sallythemanatee
Check out their stories, they really are amazing writers.
Chapters (7)
REMEMBER, COMMENTS CAN CONTAIN SPOILERS!!!
I appreciate any criticism in the comments. I want you to tell me what you think about this chapter.
If you like it, please, tell me why.
If you DISlike it, also please, tell me why.
They'll mean a lot to me
Keep in mind, that English is NOT my native language, and this is my first fic.
Enjoy your read
Several good things here, the best being that it's not at all rushed: Dash admits to something of a crush, but she's a long way from blurting it out. (And Twi, being Twi, is always the last to know.)
Language difficulties? Not really in evidence.
You did fine. Don't worry.
YAY! THIS IS AMAZING!! moar. nao.
Language gap was sort of obvious, and the poor grammar kind of hurt. It was readable though, and the only solution to than sort of thing is writing more anyway. Story so far is ok; not much going on yet, but i look forward to more.
Maybe "Say hi to Twilight for me" Instead?
You seem to have a habit of explaining things a bit too often for example near the end we already know their speaking quietly so you don't have to keep telling us.
Otherwise i'm liking this story.
Good start! Nopony has confessed their love yet, they haven't kissed yet - too many authors try to rush things, and I think you've set a good pace here. Yes, the language is noticeable, but it's not bad at all. To a native English speaker it sounds a little stiff, which will get better the more and more you write.
Keep going!
1490527
From what I can tell, people who politely mention that English isn't their native language actually have better English in works than the average native because they're careful.
Speaking of nit picking...
The again should have a period, comma should be before "Twilight said".
1486213
You might want to try varying sentence structure - too many paragraphs start off with "noun action", like "Rainbow sighed" - as well as trimming down prose a bit.
Both should help with style and flow, as well as practice.
as everyone else said, work on the dialogue a bit more, AJ isnt as hick as she needs to be, RD seems a bit to timid, even for being in love, Twilight is...well not oblivious like she is portrayed more so in the show. but, really the last two dont matter that much, since its a FICTION story, whatever you need to progress,
Though please listen to AJ a little more, just to get a feel for the dilect, and this story might be perfect.
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“I wonder who the recipient is,” She chuckled, already knowing that it was from Pinkie Pie, picking it up with her mouth.
recipient means receiver, meaning RD in this case. Maybe you should write "I wonder who sent it" or something along those lines. Less dialogue would be nice, somethings don't need to be in spoken such as the parts where rainbow is talking to herself, also, in the show, i think she refers to her wings as 'babies' not 'pretties'. Granted the last point is a bit nitpicky but otherwise, i still think it's a fairly good story that just needs a little work and maybe a proofreader.
1490176 I saw, that many fics about this subject are rushed, so I tried my best to not make y'all feel like this would be one of them.
I have to admit, I love English in both speech and words, so it's nice to hear, that my work was not in vain
1490320 Glad you like it!
1490419 I'm trying my best!
1490518 I wanted to make it sound... err... better?
Thanks for your opinion anyway 
1490527 Well, it isn't, honestly
I'm so glad you like it 
1490621 I agree with that. I wanted to avoid rushing the plot
1490865 Aww some on, it's just a comma and a period
But I agree, it should be like you said 
I'll try to use your suggestions 
1491101 It's sometimes kind of hard to me to understand this South American dialect. I'm trying my best to represent characters as close to the show as I can, well, maybe I have to watch some eps with AJ once again
1491576
Sweet Celestia, you're right 
I have a proofreader, but maybe he simply just didn't notice that, me neither 
Thanks everypony for all of these feedback, it really means a lot for me! For those, who like the story, I'm so glad you do!
But for those who don't, well, I'm sorry I disappointed you 
I have no idea when I'll post the next chapter, I worked on this one for nearly 2 days without a break, but I really wanted to know what you'll think about it. Currently I'll wait for some more feedback, and I'll start to write. I have a plan, so it shouldn't take THAT much time to write it, but I would expect it no earlier than 2 weeks from now. As I said, I never wrote anything in English before, and TBH, not even something that long in my native language!
Holestly, I am LEARNING English since... only 5 years. But I have a touch with it since I was 5, so I was learning by myself a lot of time. This story is an effect of it, and it should be treated as my English skills as well.
Thanks again!
Eh, not too bad. I like long chapters like this, and you seem to have a nice grip on English, there are just a few places where it looks too..formal. Be careful.
1492416 Where for example?
Well, it's not exact, but it just seems..off. I guess. I don't know, something about the end of Pinkie's letter, some of the words that could be turned to cotractions, maybe it was the few "hello"s you use instead of "hi", it was all very sporadic. But I wouldn't worry too much, it doesn't take away from the story in any way. Keep it up.
..actually I just came up with a couple theories. Either it's because you use big words not normally heard in dialogue, or it's because you told us you aren't too perfect in English, and it all seems different, like I'm noticing all of your different idiosyncrasies ( I think that's how you spell it). Whatever it is, again, it doesn't affect the story. Just keep going.
1492501 The point is, that I have never written anything that long before, even in my native language, so my writing skills "should" be poor at writing. I certainly am proud of what I wrote here, it's good for my first time
I'm not saying that what are you saying in you comment is wrong, It's helpful of course!
I will keep going, but this time I have to write 2 times slower
files.sharenator.com/moar10-s750x600-263864.jpg
I'm glad you mention how English is not your primary language, because I would have stopped almost immediately afterwards otherwise. As it is I will push myself through it.
To me, everything sounds a little too formal and forced. Maybe if you found more common ways of saying what you want and make the dialogue sound more natural. Also like others have said, you don't need to have Rainbow speaking aloud to herself quite so much. A few italicized sentences to indicate thoughts would look smoother. In my opinion Twilight is several degrees too emotional in this, when she meets Rainbow almost everything has her crying or guilty, some of that is okay but you took it a little too far.
I find it strange you say you have a proofreader when almost everything has the wrong verb tense to it, it just seems like something someone helping you would pick up on. I'm also thinking you don't want to use the word 'lover' when describing Dash's thoughts after Twilight asks her what happened. A more appropriate word would be 'loved one' or 'beloved' or even the completely generic 'love'. Saying 'lover' implies that they are already in a relationship and are sexual partners.
1486213
For a non-English speaker, this was/is an amazing story!!
I applaud you!
I edited the story according to 1490865's and 1491576's suggestions.
Just the slight changes, but the second one fixed the severe error.
It's okay and it is definitely an interesting concept, but I don't think you quite got their speech patterns or personalities down.
1503858 You mean they seem out of their in-show character?
How for example?
1522662 Holy buck, should be green-scaled !!! Fixed :P
Oh man, didn't see that one coming
This is awesome, can't wait for more
Way way to much spike
Another good chapter! The language is still a little stiff but the story is good enough to keep me coming back.
1549974 Can you explain to me what does this "Stiff language" mean?
the dialogue VASTLY improved from last time, though spike seemed a bit to formal with AJ, then got better with the CC's who seemed to formal with him. as for the rest. it was amazing keep up the fantastic work!
though i have to ask with the way you write, is english your first language? its not bad, dont take that as an insult please, its just, not the way that i would write, or have really ever seen with the over use of formalities.
1566332 no, English is not my first language, Polish is :D I'm studying it for a long time, so I'm glad to hear my work didn't go in vain :) THANKS A LOT!
Formalities are killing me :/ I have to look somewhere how to write less formaly...
1657917 What?
I thought I did through Skype! 
img.playground.ru/images/6/8/743615.jpg
I am rally liking this story. you had a good start and its getting better.
Ohhh...
I can just hear Dash scolding herself: "Rainbow Dash does not cry!" Nicely done.
Short Chapter but excellent nonetheless
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good chapter
ps. obligatory related link
this should be whenever she has free time not a free time
EDIT: great story not as many grammer mistakes as most people make
ill be looking forward to the rest
should be
"We could have had Rainbow Dash's feather!"
Woot Can't wait for the next chapter
I cant wait for the next chapter
!
Well as of Season 3's second episode its been proven gravity spells do work on living beings as Twilight used it on herself and Spike to hurry to the Crystal Heart. I think saying it wasn't possible in this story may have made it happen. AWESOME!
1705872 These were book spells, which were probably outdated
We know Twilight's magic evolved so much during both seasons, so maybe if using black magic for Twilight is a piece of cake for her, then maybe she has her OWN gravity reversal spell which works on living creatures? xD
Who knows?
But I'm still thinking - Black magic, various different, hard to cast spells, teleportation...
...but changing an apple into orange is a challenge to her!
thish pleasehs meh
lol. "afterwards we have to sleep together to recover our energy" Thats one way to announce you love somepony XD
so far so good. I hat reading incompleat stories. I hate cliffhangers soooooo much.
Love the new cover.
This is going on my Read later list for when it is done, because incomplete stories drive me insane, but I want to start reading new Shippings since I've been so stuck on AppleDash, and everyone said to stop here. So Sir, I hope this gets finished soon. :D
1817830 No cliffhanger in the last chapter, so you can safely read if you want to
1821451 hh, I see then I might just have to read it now.
Also glad to see more of this
Slight error:
1) Owww, w-why my head is hurting me so much?
Should be: Owww, w-why is my head hurting so much?
2) Can you tell me what in Equestria have I did yesterday?
The red isn't needed.
1999576 Indeed I like this story, although I'm a big fan of TwiDash in any cheerful form (and some sad, but not so much tragic or dark stories)
Great story
I like how your going with this, and I can't wait for the update!