Not much more than two years ago, Princess Celestia tasked Twilight Sparkle with studying friendship in Ponyville. Here she's made more friends than she would've ever believed she needed, or thought possible.
Despite Celestia saying that she only wanted friendship reports whenever any of Twilight or her friends learned something new, Twilight wants to send one again, but doesn't have anything new.
At Spike's suggestion, she seeks out her cyan friend for help. What will that small encounter lead to?
What is this? A fanfic by Kapuchu that ISN'T sad? And, oh my, it is still incomplete. Outrageous I say, outrageous!
Cover image by the lovely GreatLeonopteryx. Thank you for taking my request finishing it before "A few weeks" had passed, as you said it would. took only 1 week
Character tags & additional story tags may be added over time. I still don't know if I'll make it Slice of Life, or I can pull it off as being one continuous story without large timeskips.
Teen for some potential drinking & language in the future, and maybe sexual themes.
You are free to throw a comment with your opinion on the story, or just something else
I like reading comments
Oh, my mind is just reeling with all the ways this could go....some amusing, some cute, some amusing, some awkward, some amusing, and did I mention amusing?
Though, some of the more romance-y and humorous idea may require a bit of....*ahem* history between the two pegasi
, but......
I noticed you didn't have any comments, so I thought I'd leave you one before reading so you could have a happy.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m78ekal9hG1r1b6b6o1_1280.png
Le random image.
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Well... I do have a few things planned... Want some Punch?
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Dashie is best filly 
i like it
keep it up 
sounds like a good and potentially very awkward and hilarious set up you have going here, I'll see where this goes...
Yeah....gotta follow.
Will be tracking this, 'tis interesting, and the prospect of crazy Twi alone is enough to tempt me.
Hmm... seems good. Tracked.
This sound interesting, tracking.
Oh? What's this? A story that doesn't immediately jumps to the "good stuff" like so many poor excuses of writers are wont to do?
I already like it!
You did a pretty good job painting the scenes. It was easy to imagine the scenes playing as if they were actual stuff that is going to be animated. Like Rainbow following the book around like a dog chasing a toy :3
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I dislike "Flip-switch-for-love" stories myself, so I'm going to try and build it up as time passes. As you can already see, neither of them seem to be harboring any feelings for each other, thought Twi does say that Rainbow has pretty eyes but that's it.
And when I write, I sort of... "see" it happen and then put it into words, judging by your comment it seems like I succeeded in that
remember when Applejack was calling rainbow off for not playing fair? And what was her response?
Good chapter, dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_cake.png
hmm, for some reason, I would have expected Rainbow to get more flaws on her list. I dunno, it just seems odd that she's the one that got less cons going on for her. Twilight is more impartial than that.
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I actually tried to get more flaws for her, but I wanted her to have the least, for obvious reasons.
I appreciate that neither Twilight nor Rainbow Dash start with feelings for each other in this story. I find developping romance more interesting than an already developped one.
I liked the humor, from Spike's opinion of Twilight's sanity to Rainbow Dash's adoration of Daring Do. The crazy train comments were funny as well, though I suggest you make it clear it's Spike's point of view since they're written in the present tense.
I also suggest you cut back on the 'cyan pegasus,' 'unicorn librarian' and such. We already know what the characters look like and they could be replaced by their actual names or pronouns most of the time you use them, if not all the time. Same with the description of their gaze or eyes; in fact, I'd mention such details only when Twilight finds herself staring at Rainbow Dash's eyes. The narration would be much smoother that way.
You might want to work more on said tags, i.e. the way dialogues are punctuated. '"I know, Spike," Twilight grunted' instead of '"I know, Spike." The Librarian grunted,' for example.
You also need to point out why Spike suggests Rainbow Dash instead of Fluttershy, since the latter actually lives on the ground. Maybe he's worried about Fluttershy's reaction to an insane Twilight, maybe something else, but that needs to be mentioned, however fleetingly.
I recall only one time where it needs addressing, but use a new paragraph for each different point of view; more specifically:
'What if she thinks that I’ve forgotten about it, or doesn’t care about my studies anymore?"
Spike couldn’t hold back a facepalm, this was so Twilight.
Twilight just ignored her assistant’s exasperated gesture and lifted her head up from the stand to continue her rant.'
instead of
'What if she thinks that I’ve forgotten about it, or doesn’t care about my studies anymore?" Spike couldn’t hold back a facepalm, this was so Twilight.
Twilight just ignored her assistant’s exasperated gesture and lifted her head up from the stand to continue her rant.'
Some lines can be written more smoothly as well, in my opinion. For example, something along the lines of '"Twilight..." Spike muttered exasperatedly as his right claw rubbed its way down his entire face' in place of '"Twilight..." Spike muttered in an exasperated tone of voice. His right claw was currently rubbing its way down his entire face.'
Another thing is 'show, don't tell;' something akin to '"So, Spike. Any ideas?" she asked with a severe case of eye-twitching' instead of '"So, Spike. Any ideas?" asked the mare who was slowly succumbing to insanity.'
Don't let the amount of criticism fool you. I liked this story, I think it has potential and I look forward to reading more.
I've already commented on the lavender unicorn syndrom previously, so I'll just mention a few style issues and other things.
'On her way, she passed the living room where her turtoise Tank was walking around, playing with a ball' reads smoother than 'On her way, she passed the living room where Tank, the tortoise, was walking around, playing with a ball.'
'personal protegé of the solar diarch Princess Celestia herself' doesn't really bring much to the narration since we know who you're talking about.
I must say I find Rainbow Dash having less flaws than the others not good. She's lazy and can be competitive to a fault, for example, and I'm sure Twilight is fully aware of this. But the issue is that it makes the upcoming romance between them look unrealistic and shallow. Twilight liking Rainbow in spite (or even because) of her flaws would be deeper.
If you want to keep the 'less flaws' part, Twilight might actually choose to spend her time with Rainbow specifically to find out more flaws so that everyone of her friends can have the same number of flaws; we all know how she can be at times.
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Trust me, I'm not letting the criticism fool me. If anything, it makes me happy
I write for two reasons. One is because I like it, and the other is to become better.
I want feedback, I want people like you to point out the errors I make.
On the subject of the "lavender unicorn" syndrom, I try to avoid it but... it's a little difficult at times ^^
When I have some free time, I think I'll look through the story and correct some of the things you addressed, possibly doing a few minute changes as well.
So... I think I can only say 'thank you' for taking your time to write those comments, helping me on my quest to become a better writer
>> Kapuchu
You're welcome.
Two things I forgot to mention; shouldn't Rainbow be annoyed that Twilight tempted her with a book and didn't leave it to her before leaving? Also, my favorite part so far is the small-fonted "Rainbow!" I don't know why, I just found it hilarious.
As for the list about Rainbow's flaws, you may be inspired by a post I read not long ago. Not necessarily word for word but something to think about.
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A post?
How about an entire freaking novel! xD
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and it's already given me a good idea as to how I can re-write it to... well, make it work the way it's supposed to.
On a more serious note, I'm halfway through that "post" of yours
I think a 'thanks' is in order
Another great chapter! I didn't see any mistakes in this one, however after a reread I noticed one in the first chapter. You referred to the series as Daring Doo. It's only one 'o'. Daring Do.
But if that's the only mistake, you're doing pretty great!
Two thumbs-up!
Good chapter, I already give you a thumb up, but here is another
images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120305171426/mlp/images/thumb/d/db/Iron_Will_thumbs-up_S2E19.png/250px-Iron_Will_thumbs-up_S2E19.png
I think you mean gala.
Apart from this, I look forward to more.
The syndrome's still there, but seems much less jarring. Since I've already mentioned it before, this will be the last time I talk about it. Instead I'll focus on other things in the story.
Rainbow thinking Cloud Chaser hitting on Time Turner isn't possible because she's with Blossom shows she's not really world wise. Or, at least, that she doesn't read many fanfictions. Rainbow being amused by Rarity 'touching' Twilight on purpose was slightly creepy. In character, but creepy.
Here are the lines and tidbits I liked;
'lazy clouds floating about,'
'never felt butterflies in her stomach other than when she was free falling,'
'The trademark grin spread across her muzzle,'
'Twilight chuckled and blushed herself, the lilac fur on her cheeks gaining a small bit of pink as blood flushed to her face in a traitorous plot of giving away a tidbit of what she was thinking of, or hinting at what she had been through,'
'oh my Celestia! I only have three days left! Oooh, whatdoIdowhatdoIdo!?'
'a smile playing at her lips,'
'the music sailing through the air'
and
'Please let it be the former... We don’t need another Pinkie Pie. One is enough,' where you forgot the period at the end.
I do have some criticism;
'A mirthful voice said from a few metres behind Rainbow. It was light and familiar, holding a tone of mild mischievousness,' I feel that 'mirthful' is unnecessay since the voice is then specified to hold mischievousness,
'Her right eye gave a slight twitch at the sight of the untidy state of Twilight’s mane,' I feel it'd flow better as 'at the sight of Twilight's untidy mane'
and
I think 'ironing out' should be 'iron out' in 'her horn glowing to absentmindedly ironing out.'
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A lot more positive points that I expected. I'm glad I managed to get that many things in that you liked
As for the "Syndrom", I've been trying to cut down on it, so I'm glad to see that I've at least succeeded to some extent.
And I'll do the edits when I have time. Especially with the last one, as I suspect that was a typo, freudian slip or similar.
And I suspect you did catch the reference to the Winning Verse :p
Please update?
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*Points at my newest blog*
Yay! First one to comment. Um... yeah it's a good chapter. Dash is going to play out Twilight's dress in her mind now
woot new chapter
p.s. just let out the emotions dash, just lei it aaaalllll out
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Emotions? What emotions are you talking about?
Plim Plam brothers? Its Flim Flam
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Nono, it's Plim & Plam, Twilight is sure of it
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i hope you are joking right now cuz plim plam just sounds stupid. Im preatty sure its Flim Flam... Check the script for the episode.
*cough* http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Transcripts/The_Super_Speedy_Cider_Squeezy_6000 *cough*
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*Cough*Twilight doesn't have a perfect memory and can't remember their names*cough*
How... does that even happen?
P.S. cute page break.
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...I have no idea how both I and my editors missed that.
First, thanks for making Big Macintosh more than a pony who never says anything more than "eeyup" or "nope." I appreciate that.
The format is a little off, what with some paragraphs not having an indentation and skipped lines between each of them, which actually make the indentation redundant.
The syndrome is much less there, though still present; such as the early 'her multichromatic friend.'
I must say, however, that I don't see the point of this chapter. It's well written, but it doesn't seem to serve much purpose, unless the tidbits mentioned here are used again in the future (such as Twilight worrying about Spike, which was touching). It feels like filler. Well-written filler, but filler nonetheless. No wonder Rainbow Dash was annoyed.
The lines 'For one reason or another, Twilight made a half hiccup throughout her sentence, as if she wasn’t quite telling the truth' and 'Maybe... No, I can’t' made me wonder what was going on.
I liked these lines;
'the unicorn herself had escaped the demonic claws of Ponyville’s only fashion designer,' where 'the unicorn herself' can be turned into 'she,'
'Puppy eyes- check, pout- check, almost on her knees begging- check,'
'the Plim Plam brothers or something,'
'a deep frown etched onto her face,'
'How she had managed to put the plate of apple fritters onto the table then dashed over to Twilight in just half a second was a mystery'
and
'She was happy that she hadn’t explained precisely where her ticklish spots were. One could only fear what Ponyville’s resident daredevil would do with such information.'
You repeated 'slightly' in 'Twilight, slightly saddened by the news, lowered her head slightly.'
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Mwaha! I knew you were there :3
And yes, this chapter may seem a lot like a filler, but there's a reason for that. This is actually only one half of a chapter, the other half is still under construction. As I mentioned in a blog I have taken to planning my chapters prior to writing them, and I ended up planning a bit more than I could put into one chapter without making it four times as long as the others. I already broke the previous record with 1000 words, and I was only 1/3 into my planning.
Although, I must say that there are things in this chapter which will be used later on, you caught unto one of them.
As for Twilight worrying about Spike, credit for that goes to Zervziel whom reminded me that I should thrown in the "cold-fridge logic" of his much longer lifespan and so on. It is possible that I will use that later, but I don't know. All I can say is that while Chapter 3 & 4 have seem rather redundant, there are pieces of information in each of time, small subtle hints as to what will come next. I have made sure that they aren't just useless fillers. They do serve a purpose. The main reason for the seemingly redundancy of this chapter is, as I mentioned, because it's technically only half of a chapter. Chp 5 should come within a reasonable amount of time, got 1.2k written on it the other day, haven't had time since.
On a final note, whenever there is dialogue in a paragraph, I make an indent. If there's not, I don't. That's pretty much the reason why I do it, but I'll go through it and see if I can find any places I didn't catch when I looked it over pre-publish.
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Thanks for the information. I'm looking forward to discovering what's foreshadowed and what's not.
As for indents, I'm using this site's very guide.
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wrong story, sorry
still great story and not rushed
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It may be the right story, just me saying that Rainbow doesn't have any feelings for Twi, at least not yet
You my freind are way to good at this.
Puppy-eye master Rainbow Dash xD
10/10
3036199 No it is need to be
1 to 999999999999999999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999
Great chapter
That squee!