This was absolutely, without a doubt, hilarious. You have the wonderful talent of narrating a story AND giving the character's inner thoughts. It's believeable (well, ok, as believeable as you'll get by wandering into the land of Equestria, but I digress) without being over the top. Well written and definitely worth the read.

However, I cannot stress enough that you need to have someone(somepony?) look over this for an error check. It's very jarring to a person (pony?) when you're interested in a tale and you spot a mistake. From basic punctuation to capitalization, you have quite a few errors lodged here. If you fix that, then this story will shine at it's full potential! If you'd really like, I could go through for you and point out all the mistakes I found. I'd be more than happy to for a story this funny (heh, honestly I'd do it anyways).

Cheers

~Cosmic

I DEMAND MOAR OF THIS!!! NAO!!!

500 meter run like a bitch made me

good work

Me thinks this has MUCH promise as a fic.  The character is very good.  He acts just like any normal person would, and it's VERY believable.  I am enjoying this... And so I shall track it.

>>8145981459

Thanks, I would really appreciate that.

I actually tried to get a few people to look at it, but they never had time, so I went through it myself the best I could myself. Did some spellchecking and made a lot of corrections.

I did some short stories in the past so I'm confident in my writing skills, it's just the grammar slips the cracks sometimes.

>>8170981709

"so I went through it myself the best I could myself"

See what i mean

Needs work, but I'm pretty sure you already knew that. I'm tracking this.

Better than mine.

I will track this.

Track on. Please moar!

Woo! (Looking at the top line).

Definitely worth going over, this reads MUCH better and looks much more professional. Are there still a few errors I missed previously...admittedly yes but it's fair to say this went from "freaking awesome" to "HOLY MOTHER OF CELESTIA!!!" Can't wait for the next chapter, and it would appear a select few can't wait either

Flippin' hilarious!!  LOVE it!!!

MOAR

Part 2 plox

How do track without account?

I'm quite happy with this fic....but to be honest my opinion doesn't matter that much.

Good Job!!!

Huzzah! It updates! I have high hopes for this story.

Wonderful chapter. I wonder how and when they can finally understand each other. I guess ill see.

Yeah... I'm gonna have to ask you to MOAR!

Love it

The best part (besides ALL of it) was the intimidating first encounter from Apple Blooms perspective. It reminded me of a certain hocky mask wearing sycopath. That's a good thing for me. So all in all...NICE!

One of THE BEST openings to a H.I.E. story I have ever read!!!! It is hilarious and has one of the most likely responses from Troy that I have seen, I especially enjoy how you didn't just go "meh, they all speak english", i personally enjoy stories were the characters have to get past a communication gap. I shall impatienly wait for.. MOARRR!!!!!!

Still great!!! And I can sympathize with you school pains, ever since it startd back up i've had less then a third the time i used to to read these stories. Keep up the good work!!! MOAR!!

>>131724131724

Glad you enjoy Friday the Thirteenth as much as I do.

while I wasn't exactly trying to make Troy look like a psycho killer, I wanted him to be intimidating so I guess that works fine.

and please, tell me what you liked. I love hearing about what all of you think.

(Plus, ego stroking is the best way to get a writer to work faster)

the new chapter is on the way and I already have a word count of 1,288.

so I'm either 1/5 of the way (I try to shoot for 5k minimum)

or 1/8 of the way (If its as long as this chapter)

or 1/10 of the way (if my chapters keep growing)

Back to work then!

Eeyup, I like this fanfic. I also like how Troy isn't able to read/understand equine....

nice quote at te end there

Long Chapters

This is the kind of stuff the internet was made for

You sir are beyond the boundries of awesome. Proceed.

Really good. Very well thought out approach to a hie scenario. Hoping for moar lol.

5/5

this story is freaking awesome

also, 5 stars

Update soon! I look forward to the trio's thoughts on the strange "monster." Can we expect an update anytime soon?

>>226674226674

I would expect an update before the month is out. I'm currently attending college so I have to focus on my studies. I can only really work on this in the wee hours of the morning if I dont particurally feel like sleeping.

But never fear. current word count is at 5,700. soon my friends. SOON.

Ponies in the new chapter. Give dem two meee.

Yes, the impossible has happened, I actually updated again.

I apologise for the update gaps, but these take a LONG time to write.

Hope you like it!

Yay, an update! :)

must have more!!!

Broke the 4th wall.

Broke the 5th wall.

Broke the nth wall.

Built a new wall, and promptly destroyed it.

All in one chapter.

Yeah, Pinkie Pie's work.

yay. please Sr//Madam may i have some more .

See? Now this is why we have Fan-Fiction.

more now.

The Pinkie bit I had to skip completely.  Comes out of nowhere, and doesn't fit the story at all, sorry.

Everything else was quality.

So good....

>>294258294258

Since when has Pinkie ever been predictable? That in itself would be ridiculous! she's appeared out of masonry, mirrors and sponge baskets so of course she's going to come in at the least expected angle.

Still, sorry you don't like particular flavor of Pinkie Pie. hope you enjoyed the rest of it at least.

And as for not fitting the story, I have a recurring character that is a squirrel named DAVE. I don't think this is too odd. and even if it was it's a good thing.

The second something becomes predictable it gets boring.

>>294277294277

I like Pinkie's antics, but this one just didn't do it for me.

Everything else is going good though.

>>294281294281

Thats to bad then.

Well, there always NEXT TIME!

glad you enjoyed the rest of it

Y U NO UPDATE MORE OFTEN ?

Image: http://static.fjcdn.com/comments/Y+_77ae226ccbf8387498f4538f325ef3d3.jpg

You know, Pinkie's 4th wall breakage works well in random comedy fics and things that sorta FOCUS on that kinda thing... but in fics like this it's really just intrusive.

Don't get me wrong as far as the whole Pinkie Pie, "there is no fourth wall," ...THING... this isn't too poorly written. It looks like you could probably write a pretty good anti-fourth wall story if you wanted to. But in the context of this larger tale that has so far focused more on serious aspects like wilderness survival and the terrifying concept of being utterly and hopelessly lost, it just really butts into the story and breaks the flow. It doesn't fit with the mood and it makes the whole sections where that happens incredibly jarring.

You've used the line 'since when has Pinkie ever been predictable' in a previous comment. Well... she hasn't, no... but she's never gone out of her way to basically jump out of the show and wander into the Studio B headquarters and then chat over cookies and milk with Lauren Faust and Jayson Thiessen. While that might make a cool episode in and of itself (though it certainly wouldn't fit very well with the tone and formula of the other episodes), it would probably very much NOT WORK WELL if it were just tossed right into the middle of an episode, like, say, Dragonshy, or even a Pinkie based episode like Baby Cakes. That's the problem here. Pinkie can be unpredictable and funny and crazy and silly and random... without going incredibly and completely overboard with it.

Consider Pinkie's actions in other fanfictions, like crossovers. There was one crossover with Dungeons and Dragons where some D&D characters were zapped to Equestria and turned into ponies. Standard stuff. Pinkie mixed things up by throwing in references to things like Perception checks, rolling initiative, D20's, and other Dungeons and Dragons related metagame stuff. This is the sort of thing that makes really good Pinkie writing. Knowledge that just maybe she shouldn't have... showing up at just the right intervals and nodding to how convenient her timing is or something... being particularly genre savvy while also remaining silly and semi-naiive... All good things to do with Pinkie. And as I said, Fourth wall obliteration can work on its own, but it just seriously derails the story and quickly becomes annoying and frustrating when thrown into the middle of a larger story setup with no rhyme, reason, or purpose.

The rest of the story is shaping up to be really nice. I love it when we have the 'two cultures that cannot possibly understand each other' meeting and it's made even more compelling in this case by the simple addition of a language barrier. You have a really good setup here, but I would strongly recommend that you sorta... not... go into another off track tangent with Pinkie again... It's just too jarring and too frustrating.

>>294404294404

Point well made, If I get the chance I'll make an Alternate chapter with a more normal intro for pinkie.

Remember, this is my first fan fiction and I have little to no planning done when I go into a chapter. I literally do not know what I am going to write when I start one. Cosmic warned me about this being risky, but I chose to take the gamble.

Well, live and learn.

I definitely do like this story.  It does the -human meets pony- thing in a really interesting way.

But that one section ...

should go.

You could cut it out without affecting the story at all.

I highly, highly recommend it.

Well, while I do agree with previous comments that the Pinkie section did come out of nowhere and was rather jarring, I kind of got the impression that was the effect that was intended, I personally liked it. As said however, it is very jarring and it does break the flow of the piece.

*shrug* YMMV

Anyway, Troy "feels" very much like a real dude dumped into that situation. I would say that he swears a bit too much to be believable, however, I happen to have a brother who swears just as much, though he adds in a lot more incoherent screaming if he hurts himself.

Good read, thumb up, tracking.

>>294258294258

>>294404294404

I'd just like to point out, as his editor (and I know he has said it already), I specifically pointed out that this was a huge gamble. He was rather adamant about it so there's not much I could have done (except, you know, make sure there were as little errors as possible) and perhaps now he know's these things (HINT HINT FRAGGED!!!)

But, I would like to point something else out. Most of this chapter would have looked like Rainbow Road on Mario Kart, so you guys really ARE getting the alternate version as it stands already. In the words of Pinkie Pie:

"And I know it's not your editor's fault, he works very hard to get out edits as quickly as possible!"

So, it was a swing and a miss for both of us. I should have stepped in more and said, "really guy, this won't fly." I've learned a few things from this chapter as well and thanks to that huge amount of Pinkie Pie feedback, I can know what to look out for in the semi-near future.

>>294621294621 So... Fragged... you really should just toss it. I knew the reaction was going to be a bit bad, but I didn't expect this. If you'd like I can work on this again and remove the WALL OF PINK and all 4th wall breaking parts. Plus that would reduce the size of this chapter by a thousand words or so easily.

Cheers

~Cosmic.

>>295446295446

I'm already on it.

All Pinkie hate aside, this is definitely the best HiE I have ever read. Maybe even the best fanfic. Rock on, Fragged.

>>295746295746>>295446295446

I don't think you need to toss it per say.  Maybe throw it to the END of the chapter as a fun little 'off the wall' thing.  Rewrite it a tiny bit, and shorten it, to be Pinks comes in and starts fiddling with the editor when he steps from the room, after the story is finished.  

It stay's out of the actual story, doesn't break the flow, but it's still there and amusing.

I don't know about other people, but it's just that it's in the middle of the story.  That's what didn't work for me.

While the wall of pink was jarring, it did allow for the amusing bit where the author yelled at Pinkie where Twilight could hear it. Is there a way to remove the first, but adjust to retain the second?

Ok, This wasn't planned, but I'm not feeling particularly creative, definitely feeling tired and especially hungover.

So you know what. BLAM. Pinkies section is gone. the story can flow on smoothly without it.

I hope it's less intrusive. anyway if anyone wants the origional with pinkies section intact then send me a PM, but not tonight. too hungover.

>>296345296345 Maybe. but don't count on it.

And before anyone(pony?) asks, no, none of you drove me to drink. My dad was in the area and we went out for a few beers.

>>296544296544

What you can do is put it in a Bonus Chapter, or an Intermission Chapter, for inderdementional 4th wall shenanigans.

If doesn't have to be gone as there's nothing wrong with it per say, just that it was in the wrong PLACE.

Hmmm.>>297357297357

Ok, How about a vote. I'll put the section up in its own bonus chapter if ten (or just a good number, I'm not picky) people ask for it in the comments.

I say this only because some people seemed to have a problem with the section itself not it's placement.

So. the ball is in your court.

Also, Thanks for the feedback, it was kind of surprising to see that many people had a problem with it. This (first attempt at writing a work of fiction fo' realsies) is one big learning experience for me, any and all help is appreciated as long as its given with good intent.

Love this, and hope that you can update faster.

Also, Read the story before you deleted pinkie :successkid:

but I think the bonus chapter is a good idea, Pinkies 4th wall breaking really does'nt belong in the middle of the main story.

very good story i relay enjoyably reading it, everything so far is just very well made and fun to read, i like the plot, writing, characters, the CMC´s reaction to him, everything realy.

only negative thing so far was the forth wall thing whit pinkie, in all honesty it dident bother me THAT much,

i just skippt it and continue whit the storyhehe

Now don't get me wrong, i love pinkie pie and her antics in doth the show and when they are included in fic´s, she is easely the best pony  

its not that it was bad made or something like that, it felt out of place whit the rest of the story in a way,  so it didn't really work for me

that aside i love everything else about the story, one of the most anticipated story's in my tracking list at the moment, job well done sir

I really like how you are treating the CMC's reaction to Troy. Very few stories actually have the ponies act in a realistic manner to meeting a completely alien species to them. The fact that they are forced to be near the "monster" or risk certain doom and when they do feel just a smidge safer, they are still terrified of it's presence is rare to see in HiE fics. Most stories just have them be scared for one paragraph then FRIENDSHIP mode is engaged. I also really like how there is a communication difference and hopefully it will stay that way throughout the story. I find that the parts where there are communication issues are usually the most interesting in HiE stories, for me at least.

Love the direction you're taking this fic in - it's very rare to see a HiE fic where the human is treated like a genuine alien rather than just an oddity of nature. Looking forward to the next chapters.

More than a week now since last update

>>324404324404

Image: http://chzbronies.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-you-must-be-new-here.jpg

I have finals at school and I, like most humans require sleep. So when society is kind enough to lend be an hour or two to spare I write a few paragraphs.

last time it took me around two months to update. I'm trying to write faster without sacrificing quality, but the fact is life just gets in the way.

Soooooo...

Image: http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110917181330/mlp/images/0/0f/Discord_EvilLaugh_S02E01.png

...mine is an evil laugh.

Your story is so good that I squeed when I saw an update. But now I'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms. Jokes aside, take all the time you like really. Just don't abandon it, because this is awesome.

>>325952325952

Abandon!?

Not a chance, I've seen stories with interesting premaces dropped or otherwise abandoned, and it is truly a sorry sight when a good story goes unfinished.

Even if it takes me the rest of my life, I will make sure this gets completed.

>>326121326121

And I'll be there to get first dibs and read it before anyone else!!!!!

Of course, that goes without saying that I get the ugly unedited document and I unleash my torrent of fixxer uppers. Even with that being said, I rarely find everything.

WOOO! Let there be friendship!

I keep imagining Troy's speech to sound similar to a cave man grunt towards the CMC

Onwards!

>>329953329953 Actually now that I think about it, it would probably sound lot like that to them.

Well, you also have to realize that there is a significant difference between a equines volcal cords and a humans, both produce sounds that would be difficult if not impossible for the other to replicate.

So pony speech probably sounds a lot like horse... Actually, what do you call the sound that hoses make?

>>331265331265 You know, the only sound I can imagine a horse making would be a 'Muurrraahaha' But according to wiki answers (since I can't think of any apart from a 'neigh' sound) they could be described as 'whinny, snort, grunt, blow and nicker'

Confound text talk

>>332685332685

Gonna have to avoid that 'blow' one.

Might give the wrong impression, if you knowwhatimean.

>>332997332997

Oh dear.

I just wanted to say that I thoroughly enjoyed this.

I'll be waiting for the next installment with rapt anticipation.

>>325487325487

Well that sucks

But as long as your not giving up on the story and are continuously writing on it, i guess that's enough for me

>>350490350490

Well, currently the fourth chapter is at about 3k words at the moment, so id say its at the very least a 3rd done. still, I cant dedicate all my time to writing fan fiction. (no matter how much I want too.)

OH. SWEET. CELESTIA. this is without a doubt, the funniest thing I have ever read, and I have read over thirty Hitchiker's guide to the galaxy spin-offs with the fuck-tardi-ness level at 500% I'm seriously considering making multiple profiles JUST to like THIS STORY (and this story alone) more than once.

this Fic makes all other comedies seem like Adam sandler routines (meaning it is WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY BETTER.) Depending on your the little goofy guy of course

Damn good update my friend! Can't wait for the next one.

>>365127365127

Glad you like it.

its always nice to get praised for your work.

>>368421368421

Can't wait to put out the next chapter, but have to due to the fact its not finished yet, but getting closer every minute.

Definetly putting this gem of a story on track.

I have no words to describe the feelings I have of this story. Just YES. I hope you find me worthy enough to let this slice of heaven sit in my favorites list.

I would like to see moar dave...

Applejack, whats the matter? Dave is the best bunny evar

>>406398406398

Don't worry, Dave will be back one way or another.

Though Angel bunny would disagree with your statement.

No comments?! Here's my chance!

...uh...um...I...er...I can't think of anything.

To the editor, thank you for "saving" our sanity from the giant talking cake

A bit of sad news, right now I'm facing one of my most hated gods in battle, Math.

I know Pinkie, it is my worst subject and means I will have to spend much more time studying, meaning less time to work on my beloved fan fiction.

While I WILL continue to write, for the next quarter it will take longer to update.

Sorry everypony, priority's. its a shame that this cant rank higher.

>>426825426825

I'm sure you'll beat this "math" if you try hard enough, go for it!

..and here's to hoping that you'll be able to post a new chapter within the next month or 2

Far over the Misty Mountains cold. YES

Darn, I ran out of chapter.

oh god, It's here...i'm so happy

Aw man. I really like this story too...

Sweet chapter! THE CAKE IS A LIE!

>>427634427634 I know your pain my friend, I truely do.

Another great chapter my other, authory, friend. Very high quality in my opinion and I really enjoy the realistic reactions Troy is showing, especily enjoy the language barrier. I might have already said that but the encounter stage is always my favorite in HIE stories.

I also have serious trouble with my current Math class and can understand your woes, while I am certain i will fall to mine I hope you overcome yours. Sad that chapters will take longer but I will wait dillagently.

Final thought. Do you like the word polychromatic? You used it like 3 times, just wondering.

Have a great day.

P.S. Sneaky editor! Lying about talking cake!

Nice to have him though isnt it. Good job Cosmic.

P.S.S Dang it I keep having extra thoughts!

I also want to thank you for supplying an image of the monkey bridge, my imagination is lacking and i would have had a hard time visualizing it.

>>428864428864

First off, yes.

Yes I absolutely love the word polychromatic, and now that I have used it so much I can never use it again. (at least for a while)

I love to use a single word that translates out to: A f***ton of colors.

secondly, I want to ask a question to my audience,

I have been debating whether or not to give magic to our dear protagonist. Right now we are far enough ahead that I can properly plan things out one way or another so let me explain my options. oh wait I can just do that in my blog post which you can find Here

>>428905428905 I knew it! But polychromatic IS a grand word.

I have read your blog post and I applaud your efforts to include the audience, reminds me of Mass Effect... just hope it ends beter...

Both your choices are sound, and my guess for potion master is Zecora, option 1 sounds like it would be interesting and your descriptions about the requierments for using his magic are awsome. But as you say, it is far to easy too slip and have the story become too mmmm, cliche for lack of a better word, and have Troy solve everything with magic or something else, I'm having trouble thinking of good words at this time, i apologise.

In addition I realy enjoy the realism, and thoroughness of the descriptions, in your story because it makes it all the more easy to relate to, a key factor in keeping an audience interested. And I love to watch people outwit there problems rather then muscle through them, I think theres a saying that best defines what I mean and I think it goes "I love it when a good plan comes together". So I go with Option 2,BUT, with a slight change; I suggest making him magic resistant. I've found it to be quite interestig in other stories, and it's almost always fun to read how unicorns are flumoxed by a being that is void of,and voids, maigc. I'm not suggesting write it so that he's untouchable by even the likes of Celestia and Luna, but that it is diffiuclt for unicorns with Twilight level ability to affect him.  

Either way I look forward to more.

I love this story. Good writing, interesting protagonist, realistic reactions, an enforced language barrier, all a part of the recipe for awesomesauce. I was so happy when I saw that this has updated.

Also, beat that Math like a redheaded stepdaughter.

>>429452429452

Thank you for input, as for the magic resistance... I might just go that way, honestly it never actually occurred to me to do something like that. Though it won't be like that exactly. This is why I include my audience in the creative process, they have good ideas. And it can make a good story better.

*5 minutes later*

I just stopped my happy dance because I just had a plethora of ideas after reading your comment and writing this one. some great scenes, how to deal with the whole 'communication' situation.

I'll have another poll in a little while to deal with that, but for now the current tally for this voting session. which will end with the month of April.

NM ][ FM                   (NM = non-magic, FM = for magic)

6        1

I vote primary for >>429452429452 's Magic Resistance, and secondary Option 2

I don’t think I would like him to have Magic, simply because i ask myself 'for what?' I like how he uses his tools and brains to survive in an Environment normally deathly to him, and i would like to see how he beats every threat like this.

I mean seriously we became the Apex Predator with our tools and our brain. We don't need magic to be a force to be reckoned with.

Heh i don’t know where i read this but ...

'I'm Karsus,.the almighty Elvengod of magic, I'm here to conquer ...'

Bullet to the Head. He dies instantly.

'You talk to much.'

or this ...

'But I can give you all the power you want, you will be the most dangerous being in the whole multiverse.'

'Dude, I'm human, that means I'm already the most dangerous being in the whole multiverse. You piss me off any more and i call my friends to show you exactly why.'

>>428864428864

The funny part is it took him so long to write... and I edit it almost in full in about two days. I missed the polychromatics somehow... three is unacceptable But then again he did use slowly and quickly 22 times each and I pointed that out. Reduced down to 7-8 each. Fun, right?

Thanks for thanking me! A lot of people forget part of the geniousness that is writing is the technical guy :3

This is one amazing story. I don't care if i have to wait long, IT'S WORTH IT!

*This comment is Pinkie approved*