1. Member Since 5th May, 2012
  2. offline for 1d, 1h

Sonson-Sensei


Sonson-sensei here, how's it hanging my precious students. Not much I can say about myself in such a short blurb but I'm a writer and artist that happens to like ponies. Rarity is best pony.


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Chris and Keon are two zoology majors that get separated from their class after following what Chris believed to be an undiscovered species of bird, during a trip into the Amazon rainforest.

Finding themselves stuck in a pit, they discover an ancient ruin adorned with murals and statues of what they believed to be ponies. They soon realize that the bird in question was the orchestrator of their fate, as they’re brought to what they are certain is their deaths.

Waking up, they are not only separated from each other, but in a new land entirely. Will they take this opportunity to learn about creatures only ever seen in legend, or will they be too busy being studied themselves?

Rated teen for sexual themes, crude humor, mild drug use.

(Edited by DF)

First Published
15th May 2012
Last Modified
13th Dec 2014

Okay, I haven't read it yet, but congrats: you actually got me interested by the zoology angle.

Interesting...you're off on a good start. Let's see how well you progress...

Haven't read yet, initial thoughts:

6.5k words? Smells like commitment.

Whatever-gists seem to be popular with ponies.

WE BUILT THIS CITY ON ROCK AND ROLLLLLL... oh, damnit, wrong thought process.


OK,  read it now, and I have only one thing to say...

Go on.....

Interesting concept and storyline so far,:ajsmug: I'll be waiting for updates.:yay:

I normally never give a thumbs up for only one chapter as I like to get a better feel of the story before I rate it.

But the length of the chapter, quality of the writing and premise of the story convinced me to feel otherwise.

So without further ado

Keep up the good work. I can't wait to read the next chapter.

>>597856 Yep there will be alot more Luna so stay tuned.

>>600524 Thanks, I'm already well underway with the next chapter.

I am liking it so far, however both of the princesses are not talking as they would in the show, I feel. They are using words like 'yep' and 'yeah', and I would think they would be more formal.

:yay::yay::yay: That is all.

He got the crap knocked out of him while he was naked! Hilarious!:rainbowlaugh: I wonder who Chris will meet first?

Ze updatez, I must haz dem.:yay:

You... are going to continue this, right?  Please?  This is pretty good, and you've earned some attention.

>>729047 Yeah the next chapter is about 90% done. I should have it posted no later then Wednesday night.  

Just a few things I picked up:

"Forgive us for being so rude, but you have to imagine this is a momentum's occasion. "

Do you mean momentous?

"This simple anaylise lead me to believe physically you’re more or less harmless.”

You mean analysis not anaylise.

“Touché.” Keon quipped although he was sure that a couple guard ponies would protest to that.

Watch your dialog you do this very often. It should have a comma after the quote, not a period. The period makes the next sentence a fragment.

Content-wise good job I like it.

Keep it up! Its nice, I look foward to the next chapter.

I'm glad I stumbled upon this story, good writing, no distracting faults in the text, interesting progress and no falling into the holes some authors do (i hate when people feel the need for Pinkie to wreack the 4th wall).

hopefully keon and chris get reunited soon because you can't separate brothas forever (yes i realize only keon is black)

Damn, this fic is fast becoming one of my true favorite fics and not just another one that I'm tracking.

I like your writing style and I can't find any obvious mistakes in the grammar and spelling (I'm not a native speaker so it's not that hard ^^)

Keep up the good work... I can't wait to see what happens next.

This is definately one of my favorite fics due to its observations of ponies from a zooligical standpoint. I always have like stories to have some intellectual content. The organization of chapters by alternating between the viewpoints of Chris and Keon also is rather clever and interesting.

>>805097 Thanks I'm trying my best to avoid most common mistakes.

>>805612 Yeah they won't be apart forever I promise

>>806866 Glad you're liking the story, got plenty more on the way.

>>807326 Thanks, I hope you continue to enjoy it.

Heh, the nose in the air and drowning bit got a chuckle out of me.

Based on the description, it sounds like the Humans and ponies don't speak the same language. Is that true?

So far the humans have done pretty well for themselves. We'll see how long that lasts.

I have a feeling the minotaurs are going to have a field day with the discovery of these long lost ancestors.

>>595067 SAME HERE:yay::twilightsmile: Science for the win:rainbowwild:

>>749626 OH LOL:rainbowlaugh:

>>597856 Who's the best princess, :yay:LUNA IS!:yay:

>>805097  *Pinkie leaps into Alondro's comment*  Yeah!  I hate it when they make me break the 4th wall all the time!  *she goes Pinkamena-serious*  It is a great and dangerous power... one not to be used lightly... *puffs up again instantly*  Only when it's REALLY funny!  :pinkiehappy:

>>927481 With the hippogriffs, makes ya wonder how the first minotaur came to be.

>>927575

It was a combination of a human and a bull. Equestria does have talking cows.

>>927585 I know how it would happen, its just... the mental imagery...... - shudders -

>>927597

Greeks were weird...and looking through the internet proves that humans have only gotten stranger.

Nice work. Looking forward to reading more.

666 views

Sorry, I just had to do that. Oh well, onto comment

Greatly interested so far, I'm not one for HiE stories (usually), but the Zoology concept brought me in, and I think I shall continue reading for now :trollestia:

Wow, that was a lot more... substantial, than I expected from a 6k word first chapter!:rainbowderp:

Heh, Avatar reference :3 Enjoying this very much so far

Im liking this Keon guy, gona read more.

"Luna inquired; sounding more indignant then she had planned. " wrong word.:eeyup:

"tis I princess Luna and thy sister princess Celestia" It is 'my', Celestia is NOT Keon's sister.(don't know why almost everyone uses 'thy' wrong):facehoof:

“Such fear and confusion we may have very well caused irreversible damage.”-> “Such fear and confusion may have very well caused irreversible damage.” or “Such fear and confusion, we may have very well caused irreversible damage.”


Likin' this so far :D Please good sir, do continue :3

Then the minotaur ambassador shows up, "A human!  Well what do you know!  According to legend, we used to eat those things!"

Then the dragon ambrassador shows up, "A human!  Well what do you know!  According to legend, we used to eat those things!"

Then the griffin ambassador shows up, "A human!  Well what do you know!  According to legend, we used to eat those things!"

Then the 3 look at each other, then back at Keon with the most terrifyingly hungry expressions imaginable.  The griffin ambassador adds, "Dibs on the liver..."

Keon, "OMGWTFHELPMEI'MGONNADIE!!!"

Then they're all like, "Ha ha!  Trolololo!"  And it turns out it was Celestia's idea all along!   :trollestia:

Need a good spell and grammar check on the material, but the story has been engaging so far.  Hope to see more in the future.

royal snatch..........did he just......I bet guards want to beat him for that they could have lost their view:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

I wonder why always the black one ends in a dungeon and the white one lost in the woods...

And I want to saw somepony high! I wonder wich one would be the best one...

>>928809 Haha I didn't think of it that way when I was writing it. I just wanted Keon to end up in Canterlot first since he's the more rude and vulgar of the two. And yeah I originally had plans to get Luna or Pinkie high but I don't know if I should go through with it.  

>>928762 Luckly for him the guards weren't around when he said that.

>>928139 His meeting with the other nation representatives will be interesting, but not that crazy.

>>927935 Thanks I'll do my best.

>>927865 I expect most people including myself get it wrong because you see someone else use it and assume that they've used it in the right context. So it's monkey see monkey do, but everyone's doing it wrong. I've replaced thy with mine, I guess that's the right way to say my in archaic. If not whatever.

>>927575 That's going to be touched on, but I guess you already know the answer hehe.

You seem to have problems with Luna's speech patterns

“Greetings strange creature, tis is I princess Luna and thy sister princess Celestia! Pleasure to make your acquaintance!”

Should be

"Greeting strange creature, Tis I, Princess Luna and our Sister, Princess Celestia! Pleasure to make your acquaintance!"

beyond that, well done.

I'd love to give you some sort of amazing/fantastic/great/splendid comment on how much I like your story, but it's currently 3:35am at the moment, and I'm not even sure about my grammar at the moment :ajsleepy:

-Glassed

I hope you don't mind a small suggestion. Try and avoid the trap of 8000 different ways of saying said. I understand that repeating a word over and over seems terrible and almost always is. This is the exception. Readers learn early on to simply ignore the word said, so when you replace it constantly it can pull them out of the story. Eventually they will start ignoring all verbs describing the speaking. That's bad because when you actually want them to be paying attention, they won't be.

The strain of coming up with new verbs will inevitable result in using ones that add nothing. For example: "“This isn’t some random colored bird or weird looking bunny.” Luna summarized." What exactly does summarizing sound like? It's best to use alternate verbs only when they add something. For example: whispered.

Allow me to edit a small exchange from your story as an example of tightening up the dialog. I won't quote the original, but it's in chapter 2 and starts with "“No, I don’t think you quit understand[.]" Here goes:

“No, I don’t think you quite understand the gravity of the situation.” Celestia’s eyes widened in surprise at the force behind Luna’s words. “This isn’t some randomly colored bird or weird looking bunny. It could very well be an alien or transdimensional being for all we know!”  

Celestia stared blankly for a moment before finally finding her voice. “Where is it?”


I do not claim to be an great writer mind you. So make up your own mind if you like the original or edited down version better. I just hope it helps. One last thing: Watch out for the then/than distinction. I noticed a couple thens where they shouldn't be.

>>934736 Well saying the word said constantly has always sounded too repetitive to me. In some cases it can come off as annoying, kind of like having to read the word you a million times in a second person story. Even so I suppose I may have over done it with using alternative words for it. Thanks I take all criticism into consideration, I'll see what I can do.  

DF

I like this story, I really do, but...

Well, I don't want to sound like a douche bag, but I think you could use an editor.

Then/than, punctuation here and there, odd capitalization, misspelled words, typos and words that sound like the words you want, but that mean something else. In short, it need a bit of work.

I do really like the story and if you'd allow me to I'd be willing to do the work.

If this sounds like something you'd be interested in, or if you want to call me a douche bag for suggesting it, send me a PM.

>>749626 Possible, and quite likely actually, but my guess is that it'll be the CMC.  Even if it's a school day, those three fillies have been known to meet up at the clubhouse before going to school.  I'm more concerned that Chis fell asleep too close to the door (The clubhouse does have a door, right?), and that he'll be hit in the head when it opens (Said door opens inward, doesn't it?)

Eeyup, as a species, we're mostly hamless, physically anyway.

I am really enjoying this story so far.

I noticed a few mistakes in your list of sentient life forms that inhabit Equestria.  You forgot to mention sea serpents, diamond dogs, and the one known draconequus.

>>927575 Unless there had been some contact between the two worlds/dimensions/versions of Earth (very likely in this universe/story due to the ancient ruins) I would suggest that it was a diamond dog and a bull.

Luna sighed. “There numbers have always been bleakly low, do to the fact of how they were first conceived.”

“I’m guessing a Griffin and pony decided to consummate their marriage.” Keon joked.

“That’s actually correct” Luna confirmed.

...And if Keon or Chris were to marry ponies, and at least one of said human-pony couples decided to consummate their marriage, Princess Luna would probably have to add "centaur" (or possibly even "alicentaur" if the pony just happens to be a pegasus or an alicorn) to the list.

While I'm here, I figure that I might-as-well point out that the "There" in

There numbers have always been bleakly low, do to the fact of how they were first conceived.
, should be "Their".  ("There" has to do with location, while "Their" pertains to possession.)

Again, really good story.

>>938278 Yeah I had realized I left out the Diamond dogs earlier today but haven't gotten around to adding them yet. I'll throw them on there with sea serpents. As for draconequs, well Discord seems like he's one of a kind. I really doubt there are anymore like him running around.

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