Human Ray and his daughter Kathy are struck by a colorful bolt of lighting from a bright snow-like thunderstorm and are teleported to Equestria. Ray, In a world he knows nothing about, now has to make the ultimate choices of keeping his daughter safe. Will Ray trust the royal princesses and follow the rules of Equestria or do anything to support him and his daughters health.
I got the idea of writing this story from a forum talking about If there was any stories about an human going to equestria with their children, I haven't found one yet so I will be just writing one.
Chapters (3)
I knew you could do it! Proud o' ya
3474129
Just take it slower in both story and writing. That way its easier to hang on and less mistakes for the grammar Nazis' to chew you out for!!
this has promise hope you can keep it going
God this is probably the most original story i've had the pleasure to come acrros i've never seen this concept of a father and daughter trapped there lest see how this develops
3474247
Thanks, and I will
Got 2 more stories about this topic, so I got used to writing these
it was decent but i like how it starts. now i'm curious
while I'm not a grammar Nazi, there are a few points that would make the story flow smoother. Love your premise though, keep this up.
3474286 See edgar !? The freakin Nazis man!
3474261 BTW names for the fic? Why not Family in the dimensions?
3474286
Please, point them out :D It helps me grow as a writer
3474613
I like the name because it targets an audience real quick, people who like to read human fics :D
3474660 First line - time should be either 1:32pm/am or half-past one. O'clock is only used on the hour.
Next, grateful not graceful.
No such thing as a reverse pedal, I assume you mean he put the car in reverse.
'until their journey home was blocked' not block.
'DAD WHAT'S GOING ON Kathy screamed not scream.
Most of the other faults I can see are just the use of the wrong tense. Don't mean to be a grammar Nazi, but errors can really take you out of the moment in an otherwise excellent first chapter.
Hope this helps.
"I couldn't find an grammar issue!"
But seriously, great story. Keep up the good work!
3474928
Thank you and yes I need help with vocab, I try my best on searching up a good word but fail most of the time
This has a lot of promise but (like many others have said) you should slow down a bit, be more descriptive, and perhaps throw an editor on top.
Hey a chapter was up on my feed but it tells me to put a password what do i do
3481486
Hold on, something happened, I published the chapter and it said going through moderation, Like what?
this one was fast. i got lost twice. i saw quite a bit of spelling errors and it needs some serious work. while i love the idea. i suggest getting some help to write this
Ooooo....can't wait for Kathy's side :P
never heard of a demon bear that devours souls, care to give me the name?
how the hell does she know to stop the the bullet that's probably going 1200-3000mps or 820 mph, how and did she even know what it was other than just being a weapon?
3482378
All would be explained in time, and just for you! Because your a smart reader, Kinkot Demor Bear
No misspelled words, just Kinkot Demor Bear
3481778
Please point them out! I want this to be as perfect as possible so don't be afraid to point out millions of errors :,( ...... :D
There seems to be a problem because it shows me on my feed list chapter 3 with 0 words in it
3483197
Click publish by accident :(
3483210
Kk
Can't wait for next chapter
this is a very good story so far and i can't wait to read more of it.
Wow, that's one big wall of text.
3488303
Oh crap, that is! Gonna fix it after school
You, you can't stop it there!
I demand more updates.
3510342
Don't worry, I'm working on chapter 2 on the man who found six orphans, until that's done, I'll write a chapter 4
Oh My
Update. Now.
I have been waiting for one of these for a long time now.
3576064
The last chapter was released on Nov 27, but I made the actual chapter on Nov 12 so I'[m guessing a week is long for you? I'm also very sorry, school has been getting hard latey so I needed to push myself harder now, don't worry though, In the weekend, I have set myself to make a new chapter for every story I have right now
3580132
I meant the story in general. You have nothing to be sorry about. Besides, I completely understand school issues.
3580132
Oh yeah, if you want me to I can fix some of your grammar mistakes.
3585719
OHhh! :) Thanks! Well if you want to be an editor than yeah! I'll really be thankful it! Also a shoutout would be included :D
3586613
I shall begin editing post haste!
I can help with editing grammar mistakes
4027209 It'll be a nice thing to do :)
hey edgar i was wondering when is going to be a new chapter it's just that the cliffhanger you left is kinda troll so i would like to know the fuck happened
4307222 CX sorry, it's just I haven't found motivation to write this story, YET! But I already have many ideas buzzing in my head so don't worry, after I have a chapter out in "the man who found six orphans, I will be working on my stories like this one here :D and sorry for the huge ass wait.
4312967 hey Mr lazy continue this story will you
Nooooooooooooooo not a cliff hanger