I'm awake, and I don't feel like I should be. That's not going to stop me from finding out why I'm here, why I'm awake, or why these strange creatures seem to fear me so much. I'm one of them after all, why should they fear a fellow equine?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Honestly, I liked the other version better.
9498185
Eh, you can't please everyone I suppose.
I like Celestia having a better showing of intellect. Especially in questioning the degree of manipulation the entity was performing.
9498223
I agree, this version is the better one imo.
Well... That ending was hella different. Ok.
9498326
I don't revise entire chapters very often, but when I do, I try not take half measures. This was actually another vague idea I had and decided to implement it instead.
9498188
Honestly... I think you should have both chapters.
Hear me out here. This one read like a perfect follow up the the original and the combination of both is a perfect lovecraftien mind buck.
9498414
An interesting proposal, but no longer possible, as I don't have the old chapter saved.
At first I was like "Wow, another chapter already?!", then I read the comments.
Funny, but i still cant pick side in this fic. Dark Goddess or Nel-Baloth? Or even Nightmare Moon?
I feel even more pity to Nightmare Moon now than ever.
Noooooooooo! Celestia!
Was hoping there would be a chapter where normal celestia engages with god twi. :(
I much prefer this version of the chapter. Celestia showing the intellect that let her rule Equestria for one thousand years. Not going blindly into a deal with the devil. I do lament the loss of Celestia though. Every star eventually burns out.
9498580
This is where someone who just conveniently copies and pastes every chapter he reads would shine.
9499911
Psychopaths, not sociopaths. As I know terms considered interchangeable in the most cases, but there is a difference. As I know psyhopaths don't have empathy or remorse (or they are greatly inhibited) while sociopaths don't have right moral compass, yet they do have understanding that doing some things is wrong. They just have unusual set of rights and wrongs from the majority of the society. But yes, exactly. They just don't care if they do cause pain since they don't see why it's wrong. They are not necessary want to cause it, but they won't avoid causing it either and killing someone for a psyhopath would be much easier too. They don't have an urge to do so, but nothig actually stops them either. So, when killing someone is shortest path to their goal and chance of being prosecuted is minimal (or inconsequential to them) they may as well proceed with it.
Sooooo.... Celestia is gone now, possessed by Nel-Baloth?
You know, the longer I read this, the more something becomes rather prominent. The creatures of the Black dimension (I call it the Realm of Lovecraft, lol) are basically unbeatable...there is nothing (as far as I am led to believe in the White dimension that is a threat or challenge to them. Which makes every "plot twist" really predictable and boring. It's kinda like if you had Super Saiyan Hulked out Superman fight a toddler. The outcome is not in question, you expect the toddler to lose and then the fight becomes a pointless game of attrition. In short, my issue is, you have at least thus far written yourself into a corner. The plot has dissolved into a battle of 2 eldrich horrors...and MLP is just a backdrop for a story that would change very little if it was any other world. I want to like this story, I really do. But, at the current vector, it's going, I can't see a reason or purpose of this even being an MLP fic, to begin with. The fact that the ponies...or the vast majority of them know nothing of the Black dimension makes them feel even more out of place. I'm really not trying to whine or repeat myself. But gee golly, It'll take some serious plot twists and imagination to make this plot fit the world...rather than simply making the world fit the plot.
9502906
Some of your critisicms I agree with, some I don't, but the one thing I have to question is why the plot needs to fit the world rather than vice versa. Sure there are issues with my story I have no doubt, but I don't think the plot not fitting the world is one of them, I purposely made it that way, and a lot of my stories are like that. I write stories that I'd like to read, and for me, I like darker tales, and you could argue the majority of those kinds of stories don't fit the world of MLP. Sure, it's not for everyone, but there is clearly an audience for that sort of story. Ultimately though, I say to each their own.
9502996
To answer your question it is rather simple. If you build a story with the concept of the world possessing not discerning depth to the plot itself, then the point of it being set in that world becomes moot. By which I mean, when you decide a plot of a story, there are certain criteria most look at, characters, climax, resolution, and impact. The one that I look at in terms of world and plot is the latter. How does the plot impact the world it was placed in. If I changed the location, would the plot change? If I changed the scope would the plot change? etc etc. In the case of your story, I find that the world serves no actual purpose, at least at this point in the story. The world could be Eart, Equestria, Mars, or Hogwarts and the impact on the Eldrich Horrors and their bid for war, would not be impacted at all. There is nothing uniquely suited to Equestria that makes the plot any more meaningful. You brought up genre and conveyed that to the world, which I think might be a misunderstanding of my use of the word. You can absolutely make a dark story for Equestria, but that's my point, a dark story for Equestria, is not should not be a dark story for Hogwarts. The worlds have different rules, depths, and perspectives. If the world can be anything, then why is it Equestria? You know, outside of allowing it to be on this website. I bid you ask yourself this question, and if you do nothing else with my words, do this. Ask yourself, from beginning to end, with all that has been written and will be written, would anything about your story change if you placed it in any other place in fiction outside of the character's species. If you placed these characters on Earth, in the Marvel universe, on Mars, etc? As it is the characters of Equestria have no agency. They are or at least so far been nothing but tools for your Eldrich monsters. There is nothing to threaten them, there are no obstacle or trials for them to overcome. The reason HP Lovecraft stories work so well with similar premises, is because we follow the weak humans who use wit, luck, and magic to fend off monsters of this unstoppable nature. We can relate to humans struggling. We can't really relate to an unfathomable all-powerful monster that could just wipe out all life if it wanted. There are no stakes for the reader to worry about. As we saw in the last chapter, Celestia one of the strongest in Equestria basically instantly lost. With that in mind, you've set-up your story in a way where one should just disregard any connection to the characters we come to this site to enjoy. I mean, even Twilight is just a passenger, she certainly is no protagonist, as all she does is react, and is never proactive. Spike, Pinkie, and the abomination inside her solve every conflict so far. I'm literally waiting for the chapter where her inner monster just decides, to metaphorically snap her fingers and gain 100% control. This is the problem as I see it. Why is Twilight the protagonist, why does it need to be in Equestria? Who are we rooting for? As of now, the answers I have are She isn't, It doesn't have any particular reason, and no one at the moment. Perhaps you'll read this and it'll make sense, maybe it won't, I can't say. All I can offer is my thoughts. I'm not on the attack, not trying to force anything, just trying to at best have you reflect on my thoughts. Thank you and have a nice day.
Well, Celestia’s dead.
One of the few stories to kill off Celestia, and in such a unique way too. Congratulations, I hate you.
...I’m joking, I don’t hate you, said that more for comedic effect than anything. In all seriousness, it is interesting that you went this route. I’ve seen stories kill Celestia before, some were horrible stories that were just “Oh, she’s dead,” with no real meaning behind her death while others portrayed her as evil and thus had to die.
But here, she’s good, she was trying to do good, afaik she was canon, and she’s basically dead. Not really dead, but her mind was shattered and that’s basically the same thing.
9502996
Gotta day that I agree with what anemptyshell is saying.
The world impacts the plot and the opposite should also be true, else it doesn’t make sense.
From what I’ve read, there’s really no point to having this story set in Equestria except for “ponies”. As anemptyshell stated, if you used this plot in HP, or an IRL story it’d make absolutely no difference. The characters would still be unable to fight back, they’d still have pretty much the same reactions, and the plot would still be the same from beginning to end.
There’s nothing that’s been shown so far in this story that can combat the introduced characters. Sure, they can Combat each other, but that’s not interesting. That’s like if Samurai Jack was a god fighting Aku. It’d just be one big battle and that’s it, you could do the same in any other story and it wouldn’t affect anything. But instead, you have Samurai Jack being a normal guy with a magic sword which is one of the few things that can kill Aku. That’s interesting, because it’s a lengthy story and you can’t really put it anywhere else as it’d change things.
Again, as anemptyshell said, this story seems like it’s just going to repeat itself ad infinitum until the ponies become completely irrelevant and it’s just the Eldritch abominations fighting each other. Nothing can combat them. The characters change nothing. The setting changes nothing. The world changes nothing.
9513373
lol, No worries :D
Price is Right Theme plays
There you have it folks! Celestia has been possessed and there’s nothing we can do! Buckle up tight good citizens for the world is going to have MUCH more evil and about 10 ccs of a pure malignant force injected straight into your life! Not only that, but our last chance at redemption is ALSO an evil force (who has as of so far conveniently lost ALL her memories!) who might also mutually destroy us! I really hope YOUR will has the eldritch gods listed as absolutely everyone you hold dear is doomed! I don’t know about you folks, but wine and crying is my bathtub is how I’ll be spending my time. Goodnight! And may whatever god there is left have mercy on your soul!
9507079
9502996
9502906
The show is called Friendship is Magic. Maybe dead goddess learns friendship and lives outside Twilight to be friends with ponies?
But remember, his actions aren't evil. Pinkie and Rarity said so.
Well f***!
10079882
they were referring to their goddess when they said that. he who watches is a different entity, who they went to war with approximately 400 years ago.
at least pretend to pay attention if you are going to be so keen to criticize.
10844315
You're right, but knowing my habits I was reading well into the night by that point so forgive me if I made a slight oversight and made a very valid accusation of something being dangerous, wrong, and needing to be stopped of the wrong entity who also is dangerous, wrong, and needs to be stopped.
Kind of like you, isn't necromancy usually an evil magical art my dude?