Unpleasant Correspondence

by StormLuna

Secrets and Pies

Dear Rainbow Dash,

How could you? I have been making you pies for years and it is just now that I find out you hate pies? Do you realize how much money I have spent on making those damn things? You know what, you are a terrible friend and a liar. I honestly don't know why the hell I was ever friends with you to start with. I should have known that when you would claim to eat not just those pies but the pie pans in nothing flat that something was up. Now just leave me alone for a while, alright.

Upset You Hate Pies,

Pinkie Pie

---

Dear Pinkie Pie,

You know something Pinkie. This situation proves that you are nothing short of a moron. I would think that even you would be able to tell that I was getting rid of those things. I get it, you can eat rocks but that doesn't mean that I can eat and digest aluminum. I have some advice for you in the future, if you're going to bake me anything, bake me cakes. Cake is the most delicious treat in the world and don't worry, you wouldn't have to worry about me throwing those out. The only thing you'd have to worry about me there is me getting fat and not being able to fly fast enough to be a Wonderbolt.

Suddenly Hungry for Cake,

Rainbow Dash

---

Dear Rainbow Crash,

So I understand that you have a huge appetite for cake? That is good but let me give you a stern warning right now. If you ever even look at any cake of mine I will flog you mercilessly in the town square and then turn you over to Twilight and trust me, her true love is torturing other ponies these days and she probably won't be picky on who she does it to. So if you value your safety, stay away from my cake!

Warning You Ahead of Time,

Princess Celestia

---

Dear Princess Cakelestia,

Fine, I won't touch your damn cake. I know your chefs do a good job but I have Pinkie Pie here to fix me cakes so why would I go after yours. I'll take a page out of Scootaloo's playbook here, watching you dig yourself an early grave and getting morbidly obese will be much funner than stealing yours anyway.

Having My Own Cake,

Rainbow Crash

---

Dear Princess Celestia,

You know something, I always knew Crash was a liar but I'm actually proud of her. She has somehow managed to discard Pinkie's shitty pies for years. Not only has she been good at discarding those pies but Pinkie has proven herself once again to be an idiot. I mean seriously, she thinks Crash ate all of those, pie pan and all? I honestly think she needs to just give up baking pies and switch to cakes. After all, YOU taught me that cake is always better than pie....well that and the Queen Cake is hot and the little Pie is not....speaking of the Queen Cake, I'm thinking I may abduct her and try her out sometime solely because I have the authority to do so.

One bit of good news, I abducted a couple of random ponies and took them down to my dungeon so I could torture them. Want to know why I did it? I had no specific reason, I simply did it for shits and giggles. Hey, I have the authority to torture ponies so I may as well put it to good use, right?"

Torturing For the Fun of It,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

---

Dear Princess Twilight,

You are right about cake being better than pie but let me tell you something very important. That's my girl! I am so happy to see you torturing ponies for no good reason! That right there is proof that you are a chip off the old block. Now I never told you this but I do the same thing. I am thinking, should we get together sometime and have an adoptive-mother/adoptive-daughter torture party? You have more modern devices so we could always do it down there. Let me know when would be a good time.

Ready to Torture,

Princess Celestia

P.S. If you do abduct Mrs. Cake, let me know how good she is and just for the fun of it, you should study up on impregnation magic and put a bun or two in her oven.

Comments

[Speedy Silverstreak]

*slowly hides wallet filled with bits* Uhh....... I wouldn't pay to see what Celestia suggested Twilight to do with Ms. Cake. She can't force me either! *runs before Twilight can grab me*

[StormLuna]

9187038

Well it is obvious what she has planned for Mrs. Cake. Don't worry man, Twilight has her eyes set on the Queen Cake right now so you're safe.

[Speedy Silverstreak]

9187066
yay

[Ri2]

...Why are Twilight and Celestia such horrible ponies?