Guard
noun
- a person who keeps watch, especially a soldier or other person assigned to protect a person or to control access to a place.
There is more to a Royal Guard than meets the eye. Capturing crooks, chasing ruffians, fighting monsters, stopping assassinations, and protecting the Princess with all their worth -- with a thousand years of peace time, they have become more and less. But the future is uncertain, and within the horizon, the dark storms are a brewing.
Aiming to become a Royal Guard had never been Twilight's first choice of career -- it certainly was not what Mom and Dad wanted her to be. Still, that didn't stop Twilight Sparkle to pursue that dream. Now that she was one, she had to deal with monsters, cultists, vengeful ghosts, prickly teammates, forgotten childhood friends, and a Sunset Shimmer. Not exactly what she had expected out of her military career in peaceful Equestria, but perhaps it wasn't far off from what she wanted.
Serious thanks to Sunglow for offering proofreading and commentaries.
ded jackass is ded MORE!!! plz
Oke this is beginning to sound epic.
Certainly has some good potential.
The story is great so far. I can't wait to read more.
And I'd be happy to offer more commentaries if you wish.
So following in her brother's footsteps?
And I want to know more about this Rally Forth trilogy.
Here's a copy of the C&C I gave you on Spacebattles today.
&&&
I like this! I loooooove it! This is great!^_^
@@@
Now for the C&C.
I spotted lots of things that need correcting.
Unicorns weren’t simply made for flight.
should be
(Unicorns simply weren’t made for flight.)
---
Star’s impeccable of direction aside
should be
(Star’s impeccable sense of direction aside)
---
Idly, she pondered if such pony who could translate them existed.
should be
(Idly, she pondered if such a pony who could translate them existed.)
---
catching the Manhattanite’s
should be
(catching the Manehattanite’s)
Unless Star has been living on Earth in New York city. Hmmm... There's an idea there somewhere in that.
---
Leadership’s not some badge you can take off, and one whenever you want it, Twilight," Star growled, and despite her complain, she followed her regardless.
should be
("Leadership’s not some badge you can take off, and on whenever you want it, Twilight," Star growled. And despite her complaint, she followed her regardless.)
or
("Leadership’s not some badge you can take off, and on whenever you want it, Twilight," Star growled. And despite her complaining, she followed her regardless.)
---
Looked like her plan just got pushed days early.
should be
(Looked like her plan just got pushed ahead a few days early.)
---
That I’ve come this far because I was what?
might be better off as
"That I’ve come this far because of what?"
---
; it looked both and natural, and artificially placed, the boulder-seal.
should be
(. It looked both naturally, and artificially placed.)
or
(. The boulder-seal looked both naturally, and artificially, placed.)
---
A cave-in had happened, and somepony else decided to add into it to stop stupid ponies to venture deeper.
should be
(A cave-in had happened, and somepony else had decided to add a warning into it to stop stupid ponies from venturing deeper.)
---
Twilight thought - it reminded her second month into dating Flash Sentry.
shoule be
(Twilight thought. It reminded her of her second month of dating Flash Sentry.)
---
that want of ripping the bandaid only grew bigger until it combusted into a fantastic fireworks.
should be
(that desire to rip off the bandaid only grew bigger until it combusted into fantastic fireworks)
---
The short three hours
should be
(The three short hours)
---
far more than they had spent four years living, studying, and sleeping together.
should be
(far more than they had spent the past four years living, studying, and sleeping together.)
You might want to change "sleeping together" to "sleeping in the same building". The way you have it makes it sound like they've been having sex for four years. I don't think you meant that, right?
---
That, didn’t snap Star Cell.
should be
(That, didn’t snap Star Cell out of it.)
I hope my C&C can help you.
Again, this is a very good story that you have here. And I like it.^_^ Keep it up now.^_^
9528257
Twilight got her birth-dates switched up with Shining's -- so Twilight's the Big Sister now, in this AU.
Honestly. I'm torn between wanting Star to be killed. And Twilight saving her. Kind of hard to like her when she's been a flank hole this whole time. Even if Twilight deserves it.
As someone who writes Guardpony Twilight too, I like this a bit more than I'd like to.
This is great though, you've left us on the edge of our seats. Will this Star be snuffed out tonight? Will Twilight save her? Does Twilight have the guts to selflessly leap to her aid? Or will Twilight stand by and fail the test?
In this story, Twilight seems to be portrayed as an ambitious guard that wants to be friends with her squad, but can't. And therefore covers it up with her bad attitude and the whole 'You're all pawns in the game' spiel. However, despite you giving Twilight this roughed up psychology, her actions speak louder than her words in the ultimatum. It is unbelievably awesome how you can write the character like this in only two chapters, albeit a very long one.
It was really interesting to see somebody else's view on Twilight being a guard. Keep up the good work,
please!
nice story I found on my bday.
hmmmm good start I am enjoying it,
......You just Described TO THE LAST DETAIL a story I was told when I was young, the monster was Called "The Thousand Eyed Horror" read the description sent a Chill up my spine!
I've come here to say: Nice heraldic achievement.
So how does feel it not being the smartest pony in the room?
Much.
Too much.
That’s also what Coal and I.
duplicated
...what exactly happened the last time
Sometimes it's better to burn bridges completely than to let them rot and fester
Afterall, you can always build new bridges where the old ones were
I am not sure what to say about this one at first it started nice and interesting shaping up Twilight showing us that she is serious, knowing and in-charge but then it makes her seem unfocused and unprofessional, stumbling through things, to say the least it's disconcerting.(?)
Still curious but not as much as I originally was.
9531250
Twilight holds herself in a pretty strict standard, putting the job "Royal Guard" on a pretty high pedestal -- so when she sees herself not meeting that standard (her loss of temper and her following reaction, Pockets making Twilight realize that she had probably done something to make Star Cell hate her so much, as well as her ignorance at Pockets' circumstance despite being roommates for four years, then her burning more bridges with Star in the tunnel), it throws her hard.
Basically, the whole situation's just not Cadet Sparkle's ideal "battlefield" -- or in her general favor, really.
I gotta say, this story really start off fun and interesting. I've got some guess as to what's going on with Star and I hope she'll stay alive, want to see more of her and if Twilight will be able to have a better relationship with her.
So, she dated Flash Sentry and it didn't work out. I don't know if this is a barb at the character or it's just something to flesh out Twilight history and personality.
9546964
The latter. It'd be explained later down the line why it didn't work out.
I just want to say in advance I'm sorry if I come across as mean here. I'm just very confused.
At the end, was that an eldritch abomination? I had to read that paragraph several times to begin to put it together, and I'm still confused. Why did you say a breed of bear and lizard? That really threw me off. Is it because that's the way that it's body looks? If so, you should have moved on from the eyes. And that part about the face - that really throws me off. Does it have jaws, or does it not?
I really like the story so far, but that last part was so jarring and I'm struggling to understand that description. Maybe that's what you were going for, but could you try to make it flow a bit more naturally next time? There were also quite a few mistakes noticeable enough to break the flow of the story as well - nothing I'll drop a great story over, but I encourage you to find a couple more dedicated proofreaders or an editor.
I haven't read a story with Twilight as a guard/soldier in a long time...this is awesome, I look forward to seeing this story continue!
9555048
Yeah, I get what you mean by the monster's description. I rewrote that paragraph. I think it's better now.
9557950
Thank you, that is one terrifying creature!
I don't know why, but I'm getting the feeling that Star has a crush on Twilight that wasn't reciprocated.
Of course it wasn't reciprocated. Twilight's her usual clueless self.
Twilight better have PTSD from this.
Tbh that first part left a sour taste of annoyance in my mouth.
That fight scene was awesome. It was action packed, hinted at hidden abilities, and nearly confirmed that Twilight is still oblivious to anything not related to her obsession. And that scene with her parents was just awkward enough.
9584314
Might I ask why?
Gteat fight. You can feel Twilight struggles and dissociation of the situation the more she get hurt. This is a Twilight who traded magic for the spear and the sword but that's why it felt strange to not see her teleporting around or simply blasting a hole at full power in it.
Side note, it still feels funny that Twilight is the older siblings in this story.
Twilight, when waiting for reinforcements, you're supposed to drag out the fight as much as possible not taunt the enemy
That doesn't mean that it's okay to neglect your strongest, and most versatile, weapon/tool for as long as you have
9584743
Well I may come off as rude and insensitive but as someone who has delt with bullies and other people like that after being picked on for a while I can say with a 100% honesty that I really don't hold and sort of pity or remorse for them and lest said about the adults who were supposed to put a stop to it but only did so after I put them in their place the better.
But again that would be me projecting those view onto Twilight so that's why I originally said what I said.
That and a well placed kick or a punch can go a long way.
Nice chapter. It does bother me that any equestria would actually need such a thing as health insurance, but jokes, known worlds and all that. I'm rather curious on how this'll continue, and will anxiously await for more.
9584843
Ah. You meant that one. I thought you were referring the other fights -- but yeah, that's fair. They way I had it in mind when I wrote that opening was that Cards Castle had said something that hurt, and Twilight escalated it into a full-blown hoof fight.
It was, in young Twilight's mind, as she watched Cards Castle dark and blue face, mildly horrifying. After all, she wanted to be a Guard -- a protector. A hero. That felt like anything but.
Heroes don't just fly out of their handle the moment they heard something they didn't like. And discovering much later on that Cards' parents had divorced the week beforehand caused a mature-er Twilight to view that event in a pretty different light.
Not to justify whatever it was Cards happened to say, or that words don't hurt - because they did. Twilight just believed she could've handled it better - during, or in the aftermath. The fact she didn't, and missed the chance to talk it out with Cards made her reminisce that event with a tinge of melancholy, and regret.
9584843
Hmm. I feel like this is a very nuanced thing, bullying. Is it the bully's fault? Neglectful parents? Neglectful teachers? People are naturally evil, greedy, and prideful. "I" is a prideful expression, no matter the case. Because you're talking about yourself, and most people use "I" quite a bit. Greedy by nature, after all our first thoughts are to continue sucking the life out of our mothers, and have to be forced to stop at some point.
So, is it's the bully's fault? In part, we're not always sure of their home life. Maybe they need a good ass whooping from a parent, or maybe they need less. I feel everyone deserves the chance of forgiveness, but only if they ask for it.
Point is, maybe not sympathy, but maybe reconciliation. The past is past, we can't change it but it still happened. Just forgive, don't forget. Forgive and remember and learn from it. Those who do not know history are doomed to repeat it, after all.
9585066
Well Conceded but when you get pegged in the back of the head by a rock the size of your fist by those who you have never wrong and have done all to share to metaphorical olive branch one can't help to be cynical towards the outer world.
I am of the mentality of leaving your problems at home and with those who you have problems with.
Be what it may be, they became asshats in my eyes and I had enough of their shit, to be brief in the end I got expelled from that school while they only got a firm talking to, I never forget but forgiveness is not something that I will hand out easily, I don't expect them to grovel at my feet and beg for it but when I last saw them remorse was the last thing I saw in their eyes.
like it was explained this was me mostly projecting my personal experiences into the character in that particular situation, since I have always been taught to stand up for myself if needed and if not just try to get along with everyone keeping a neutral position if possible.
9585106
Fair enough. To be frank I think I mainly used your comment as a jumping off point for my "We're naturally evil" commentary. Don't mind it too much.
This is more of a religious belief, actually. So it makes sense if not everyone agrees, in fact I don't want everyone to agree with me. I just want people to acknowledge the view point and maybe share their own. Sloth and contention are the parents of invention and progress. After all, why use a sword when a gun can kill more people easier?
I just want to confirm, because I'm taking this from context: Twilight and Shining's ages are reversed in this? That's one of the traits I've noticed with your writing style. You tend to reveal essential plot points from little more than a subtle inference. Points that if they aren't read carefully, can easily be missed.
I have the same issue with the way you hinted at Star Cell and Twilight's previous relationship. We, as the readers, have to assume it was a one-sided crush. But the way you wrote it was extremely vague and difficult to gauge from a reader's perspective, at least at this point in the story.
Being the author, it's obvious to you how old the characters are and their relationships with one another. We, as the readers, not so much. We can only go off of what you reveal and how you choose to reveal it. I don't necessarily have an issue with some subtlety mixed in here and there. That's fine. But from this point forward, please consider making characterization essentials a bit more obvious?
In any case, I'm quite enjoying the story. Keep up the good work.
9585220
Yep!
9585234
Nothing more to say, have you?
Focus.
9585277
Well, I always strive to answer any question with the best of my abilities!
9585616
Talkin' about that dang ole "man of few words".
i.pinimg.com/originals/2c/cf/78/2ccf78dd2564d2067e0203823fa66c8c.jpg
neat
The Revenant wasn't part of the test, right? Twilight should've said that to Shining, she didn't get hurt for some test, she got hurt saving another pony's life.
I really like this, especially the subtle story telling. You're showing, rather than telling, and that's great.
9528189
You, my friend must have a great taste for stories as I keep seeing a comment from you the last 6 or so stories I've read.
And thus were the designs of fate thwarted, by airport shovel-fiction.
Well killing a revenant is certainly a good bit more impressive than a three-day camping trip or digging some thingamajig out of an abandoned mine. Dunno what Twilight's worried about, this is probably in the bag.