Twilight Sparkle and Sunset Shimmer are the only two living ponies in the world that can lay claim to one of Equestria's most prestigious titles: the protege of Princess Celestia, ruler of the land of Equestria and perhaps one of the most powerful magic users to ever walk the face of the planet.
However, they are not the first: since Equestria's medieval ages, Celestia has held pupils under her tutelage. Some of these pupils went on to do great things, while others fell prey to their own ambition and power, but even though those students have been dead for years, Celestia still remembers every name that came before.
Her reminiscing becomes more than memories, however, when her very first pupil shows up on the castle steps. One by one, Celestia's former students begin to appear in the prime of their youth, their minds seemingly leaving off right after their deaths. It's up to Twilight Sparkle and Sunset Shimmer to find out why these ponies have risen from the dead, and what they're being drawn to...
Rated T for sexual references, profanity and violence.
Featured on 4/14! Thanks everyone!
Has promise
Will up vote
Love so far
Please continue
This looks very promising. Let’s see where this is going to go.
You had my curiosity with the premise, but now you have my attention...
That first chapter is really nice! It's clear that I want to read the next chapters.
But the suspens was absent since the synopsis spoils all of it.
But I think that story will be really good!
You have my attention. This is definitely an interesting premise.
That said, I have to say: I don't feel like that one "fucking" really adds anything to the story except being edgy for the sake of edgy.
8864171
I always felt like, since these mares are probably somewhere around their early to mid 20's, that they would probably realistically speak the way people in their mid 20's talk. I usually do it in my stories to add an element that gives characters more of a feel.
HOWEVER, if it really does seem like it is edgy to be edgy, I'll get rid of it because that would be doing the opposite of what I intended, lol. Which is all good, of course! Thanks for the feedback!
8864283
I can't speak for general preference, only for my own, but: In fanfiction, it's important to be wary of how one departs from the source material.
When a human says 'fucking', it denotes some irritation or exuberance, it puts some emphasis on what follows.
When a pony (or even EQG-Human if we assume that Sunset picked up some mannerisms) says 'fucking', you're essentially stepping out of vocabulary that is typical of the world, and dropping in an expletive from our own which is significantly stronger and more impactful due to it being 'foreign', so to speak.
There's a lot more 'splash' to dropping the f-bomb in a pony context than there is to dropping it in general fiction. To me, at least, it sticks out like a sore thumb, like Sunset inexplicably used a foreign word.
Your fic would probably be better served by going for 'authentic' rather than 'realistic', if that makes sense.
8864295
Entirely understood! I'll remove it at once
I'm pretty sure that "Princess of Equestria" tops that one, ala Twilight
That aside, this is an interesting start and I can't wait to see how it goes. Granted, I'm a bit surprised that a millennia old pony knew how to counter the guard spells flawlessly (You'd think magic technique and understanding would have improved considerably in that time), but oh well ... maybe she's a relatively recent student? Anyways, looking towards more! (PS: Why didn't Luna simply teleport down?
)
8864644
Mabe shes the inventor of the technique, and the improvements were in efficiency afterwards.
8864644
The teleport thing was something I really wrestled with because Celestia could have teleported everyone to the room instantly as well. I decided that for story purposes, I wouldn't make it THAT easy, as they could all probably do that at a far more frequent rate in the show, and there is another reason why that I can't reveal just yet
Also, you're totally right about the description and I'm an idiot, so I'm gonna change that lol
This should probably be, "Much like Starlight and my cutie marks,"
Also, why is there no mention of Sunset's mark. It's actually one of the most clever in my opinion; an eight-pointed star in the shape of a sun flare with a taijitu (yin yang symbol) for the sun itself. It says a lot about the character and works with the reestablished motif for magic-talents. It's also quite visually appealing, even to a colorblind like myself.
Edit:
Forgot to mension that I'm really looking forward to seeing where this goes. Big smiles all around.
8865247
Correct and fixed!
I love Sunset's mark, but I was drawing a bit more attention to the traditional "good at magic" cutie mark that Starlight and Twilight has. That isn't to mean it isn't the ONLY symbol (in the case of Sunset, who has a kinda awesome pseudo-version of it) but it appears to, at least in this fic's background, be a strong indicator.
This is so going on my tracking list. I love the characterizations here.
The Sunset/Twilight dynamic is great and a pleasure to read. I am intrigued by the mystery of the plot and fully expect that this will be a good story. Descriptions and dialogue are top-tier. Looking forward to the future chapters!
WHA?! Um... Twilight? Did you know about this? (standing in the doorway behind them completely dumbstruck) I thought Celestia had only had the two apprentices, you and Sunset. Um... what is going on?
IN OTHER NEWS) Great fic. Great start. Can't wait to see more. Please say there's going to be more. PLEASE?!
8865674
For sure! I've already started on the second chapter, so you can expect it in the coming days!
8865684
Yay. Quick question, are we going to be seeing ALL of Celestia's past students? Or just a few of them?
8865721
I can't give too much away now
Curious. Going to follow and see where it goes.
8865684
Wahoo! :D
Hmmmm, more please
Hmm! I am curious to see where this one goes!
I imagine some of her students having quite interesting reactions to Luna. (Or the modern age in general.)
A few may know her as Nightmare Moon, some - those from inbetween the 1000 year gap of Luna's banishment - wouldn't know her at all. Could be potential for some hi-la-rious misunderstanding about how the two are related.
Also, I am hoping for Twilight, Sunset, and the newcomers to compare "notes" on Celestia.
Well this is certainly interesting cant wait for more.
This is one of few correct uses of thou'st in the entire chapter, most others should be replaced with thy or thine. Protip: your=thy/thine, you have=thou'st, you=thou/thee. And you wouldn't use thou'st in a place where you wouldn't use contractions, like formal settings, instead use thou hast.
Oft was used in informal settings and jokes and such. Probably not the best choice here, better off with often. As well, doth is third person singular present, while here you need a second person singular present verb, which in this case is dost.
Couldst is the correct conjugation here.
Unnecessary use of a stupid way of talking for Celestia and Violet aside (how I hate Hasbro for ever thinking that was a good idea for Luna), this was an interesting flashback.
8905508
Thanks so much! I looked at a grammar guide for this, but I figured I'd still butcher it. I'll work on these changes right away, this is a big help!
I'm honestly blown away.
Recalling your first chapter, your writing seemed to me a bit on the mediocre side, but the idea and its execution were compelling enough to convince me to follow this story. Not even a month after Chapter One's release, your skills have dramatically changed for the better. There are few fanfic writers who can use, uh, "ye olde speak" (??) without that unnatural, forced feeling. Really a huge improvement on all sides, my friend. The only error in my eyes are the few grammar mistakes, and I'm not enough of a scholar to point out how to use that language correctly, so it looks fine to me.
While before you had me interested, you've got me officially hooked. My eyebrow is officially raised. I'm genuinely excited for this story to continue!
Keep on a'rockin, you brilliant bastard <3
8905790
Why thank you! I am of the opinion that my writing is rather mediocre, but I do have lots of fun and as long as people enjoy it, I am happy. I am glad you liked it!
Excellent chapter! I can't wait to read more!
8905508
Some people don't like that Luna still uses Ye Olde Equestrianne phrases, but I find it a constant reminder of just how out of place/time she is. When it is done well, it adds to the piece. Unfortunately, it seems hard to master and though I'm no grammar Nazi, it seems to grate more than mistakes in standard English/Equestrian. I recommend reading a King James Bible and Shakespeare it gets you thinking that way and is more interesting than studying. Old hymns work too.
(In my opinion, anyway.)
8906386
I think you may have replied to the wrong comment.
Whoa, this is a huge improvement over the last chapter. I love the dynamics between Violet and Celestia, and you're doing very well to show it! I'm excited for more!
Well I wonder if Starlight is one of her descendants?
Hourton? Hourton hears a Who?
If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like? Also, wouldn't an OC tag be better than an other tag?
Unless Ponies are much shorter lived than humans that's a common misconception about average lifespan in pre-industrial times. The reason you see average lifespan numbers of 40 or lower in so many time periods is that most people died during childhood usually under 3 years of age. Which of course brought the average way down. If a person made it to adulthood however the average age of death was 60 and many 70 or even 80 year-olds would be reasonably common in just about any era.
What would more likely amaze Violet is how foal mortality is now close to non-existent compared to population size and that a family will expect all of their children to live to have families of their own as a matter of course. She herself probably had several dead siblings who never made it to adulthood.
8997779
More as in "Hour ton hears a who". I figured it would be hard to portray the pronunciation, but it is supposed to bear similarity to another place Starlight is familiar with
8997841
I used a BBC Health page for the statistics regarding this, accounting for infant mortality, but as it turns out that study came from 1998, so I am sure we've learned a lot more since then! Here is the excerpt from the BBC:
"The average life expectancy for a male child born in the UK between 1276 and 1300 was 31.3 years. In 1998, it is 76. However, by the time the 13th-Century boy had reached 20 he could hope to live to 45, and if he made it to 30 he had a good chance of making it into his fifties."
So by THAT metric, Violet still died a bit young for her age.
I will keep it up for now, but I am likely to change those numbers up sometime soon when I can get a more accurate study.
Thanks for the heads up!
8997837
Thank you for the heads up, I've changed it now!
So far, we've only met Violet, and I described her voice briefly as "gentle and soothing" in Chapter One. I'd imagine it as a sort of soft, medieval British accent that's just a tinge higher than an average female's.
Thanks for reading!
Shouldn't it be realized? Not nitpicking at it... :) Just trying to help.
I just found this story and find it interesting. Celestia finding one of her long lost students suddenly alive, and bearing very real emotions. Also interesting that Violet requested to be buried in Hourton, which Starlight apparently recognizes... Will Celestia be traveling with them? I would like to see more interaction between Violet , Celestia, and Luna to clear the air between Luna and Violet.
8997909
Fixed, thanks for the heads up!
Fascinating! I am looking forward to more! I wonder what will happen when Celestia's less... pleasant students show up.
Fix this please
8997983
What do you see in that phrasing that's a problem? I am using the word "wont", referring to someone's customary way of doing things, as in "He was wont to arise at 5:30 every morning".
Did I use the word wrong?
8997994
I'd never heard it used that way before so I could just be mistaken.
8998020
It's all good! Thank you for reading the story and for helping me out!
8998058
No problem.
YES THERE'S AN UPDATE!!!