One Morning

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In one particular morning, Rainbow Dash felt a slight melancholy as she descended onto Ponyville. Maybe there'd be something to make her better there?

Inspired by this prompt.

Big thanks to Emperor Lorenzo and Eagle for pre-reading, proofreading and editing this story.

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Outa-here

Outa-here #1 · Jul 27th, 2015 · · ·

Yours seems like a good story but, to give honest and fair criticism of it, you have a habit which is all too common with writers: you make your sentences too wordy, don't pare them down to say just what you want to say. I'll give an example

This sentence: "she wants pizzazz, she wants to be written in the history book to be remembered"

Now, I see right away how it can be reduced and be made much more clear by simply rewriting it

"She wants pizzass, she wants to be remembered in the history books..."

There. See how that's cleaner and easier to read?

Then there's this: “Huh.” There's no need to put a period in a quotation when you're doing dialogue. It's better to write "huh", (note the comma, which tells the reader you're going to give a brief description of action right after the dialogue.

About this: The stallion nodded, followed by a nod by Pinkie. “Yes.” he answered, a smile crept onto his face. “I’d even say that I’m a fan of yours, Miss Dash, if what I heard from Miss Pie here is true.” It's okay to give dialogue it's own line in a paragraph. It helps to make reading easier and more clear so, like this:

The stallion nodded, followed by a nod from Pinkie.

“Yes”, he answered as a smile crept onto his face, “I’d even say that I’m a fan of yours, Miss Dash, if what I heard from Miss Pie here is true.”

I can add more later but, for now, let's start with this.