distortedtruth92
Joined 7th Jul, 2012 ·
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FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and only right now lol
It's a good base. Now for the mean part. (Sorry.)
You repeat words, and it makes reading... odd. "This is an example." Said Bob. "Is it really?" Said Sue "Yes. It is." Said Bob.
It's something I encounter a lot. Also, i'm not saying it's anything wrong, but I find it much easier/better to write in the past tense. You have potential, and remind me of me, if that makes any sense.
880216
thanks il keep that in mind
The beginning was a little rough, exposition dump and all. Perhaps in future stories introduce those details during the telling, rather than as explanation at the start. Also, while there's nothing inherently wrong with telling a story in present tense, the vast majority are typically in past tense, since it reads more like someone is sitting there, telling you.
Some spelling and grammatical errors, (there always will be), like "has even started teaching twilight how to raise the sun" Twilight should be capitalized.
"replies in her sweet high pitched voice." For instances with multiple descriptors affecting a single target, you'll want a comma. Ie, "replies in her sweet, high pitched voice."
"reach 1000 feet above the ground" Unless you're talking about the year of a date, you'll want to write out numbers. "reach one thousand feet above the ground"
These are mostly minor issues, but a bunch of minor issues can quickly become a barrier to new readers, which is a shame, because this seems rather interesting. I'll be checking out the other chapters. Please keep writing, I'll keep reading!
901893
Thanks, im trying to lower the number of mistakes as i keep writing
>>Shumiry
to be honest i never intended this story to be in present tense. it just kinda happened. i embraced this because i thought it was different from the norm, and sometimes people are drawn to the idea of things being different.
wait is ma rainbow dash im confused but its good so far except for me crying a little at the end
ME GUSTA
BAAAAAWWWWW
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW SO CUTE
oooooo things gettin interesting i love it
975104
yes rainbow dash is Ma
HA
good chapter
Awsome chapter dude keep it up
well, technically two more and an epilogue
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
1039741 sorry dude but i had this planned since the discord chapter
1042258
oh when my story hits that timeline my dude is going to go fucking insane i mean kill anything infront of him kind of insane
Its kina cheezy how rainbodash, and rarity are mothers
but I got a soft spot for good drama effects
so I'l like this and give it a 8 out of 10
1042577 it kinda is but i thought it made for a good base. thanks for the like
thats so cute and sad, I even got a tear comming out of my eye
1042679 im glad you like it
ok, I fliped out of my seat, when I read, "To my loving wife, White Cloud, and my beautiful daughter, Rainbow Dash. Love, Husband and Daddy, Lightning Dash." It does make it a bit more cheezy, and plus what are the odds of finding his grandmother out there
but I'm hooked to this story, so Im gona keep reading and see what happens.
1042838 still a little cheesiness to it later on. sorry about that
In story "After dinner, Sil and I walk up to our rooms, which are right next to each other."
Me: uh oh, looks like someponys gona have some of that boom-chicka-boom-chicka- baw waw wam tonight
1043198 lol dude wow just wow
wow dude just wow prepare for man tears AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
i was listening to this song at the end here
And Shepherds we shall be
For thee, my Lord, for thee.
Power hath descended forth from Thy hand
Our feet may swiftly carry out Thy commands.
So we shall flow a river forth to Thee
And teeming with souls shall it ever be.
In Nomeni Patri Et Fili Spiritus Sancti.
1045263 boondock saints nice
1045318
thats what thunder,silver,gambit,twilight,pinkie deserve i cant wait till i get there
1048319 are you talking about the prayer or what happened to them
1049358
what do you think why would i want that to happen to them i think they should have a fuckin holiday after those guys
1050470 hmm thats a good idea maybe in the sequel
1050503
you know what really sucks like me reading the chapter were they all die i was listening to the dead island trailer song it was NOT helpful
Vinyl Scratch saying sweety, hmm, seems legit
1064369 now that i have said it it must be cannon
I like this chapter cuz I can almost see Thunder twist's anger as he kills discord. Wait, isn't Discord a god
1064510 i dont think so, at least i dont think it says so in the show. but if he were, in mythology gods are immortal in the sense of time, they can still be killed by physical means
Baw chika bawoowawam
I wager 5 bits that rarity told them all of what they were doing, and applejack is not talking about the wedding, wink wnik
spicks is still a baby dragon, and he is with sweetybell, and has a kid that's a dragon pony
sweetybell must be wack to mary a baby dragon
, and can baby dragons give seed at that age?
1064772 sorry thats a typo i made but this is like 30 years later so he would be old enough, sorry bout that
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
Pinkie Pie and Twilight died?
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, WHY TWILIGHT! WHY DID YOU HAD TO GO SO SOON! AND PINKY PIE, you were to overpowered so you had it coming
1064986 and many a tear was shed writing this chapter
Ok, now thats what I call and ending, It is a bit of a set back that Thunder twist dies, but still his children are alive and you should continue the story with them. I tell ya I am actualy crying man tears here, and thats saying something
1065042 check out the sequel only one chapter right now but its in progress