- Member Since 12th Sep, 2015
- offline last seen Sep 24th, 2018
Mister
That one guy who likes writing stories about ponies, likes to box, likes to play video games, and always likes a challenge. Yeah, I'm that guy.
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...I really hope this doesn't end up as 'suddenly human is destined to save Equestria from some war' or 'human teachs ponies about guns'
Wow. I've never read a HtP fic that starts from a pony's POV
It's like you didn't even bother to proofread your own story.
This looks interesting n' all, but I have a few suggestions & criticisms
1. Proof read the chapter, I saw a decent amount of spelling errors etc
2. Perhaps add a more convincing cover, it doesn't really make sense for Reyes to not question the situation & just accept it completely
3. What exactly is with the description of all the mares blushing? I didn't see cause for the actions (unless I skipped something by accident, in which case ignore this)
I'm not trying to be critical of your work, but just suggestions (or criticisms), like I said
8288747
It's alright. Thanks for telling me this! I'll be sure to get work on fixing everything.
8288904 fix dis plz I immediately take notice of my body, my fur being pitch back, my mane the being the same color also. Damn....I still look badass as ever! BLACK "You ain't getting away with breaking and entering that castle!" THE
8288747
In other words elaborate and provide us with more detail?
The potential for this story has so much YES on it, and I can't wait to see how it turns out!
Also, how often do you plan on updating this story?
8292190
Already done.
8292302
I'll be sure to do that, and thank you for the words for my story. I really don't know how often I'll be updating it.
They are seriously gonna be bummed what they find in that noodle of his. Can't wait for the next chapter.
80% mares and 30% stallions. ???? = 110%
This is good! A+
8296424
I'd give this a B-
There are a few spelling errors and in some places, the way the author structures these sentences make some parts hard to understand.
I'm sure there are at least 10 other comments saying something about "RAWR MAGS NOT CLIPS" or "SUPPRESSORS ON A DEAGLE?!?!"
Also 8296192 lol
I am interested in the main theme of 'soldier in equestria' with the twist of him actually turning into a pony this time, looking forward to whatever journey you'll take us on from here.
8296909
I have to agree, because you are right on all accounts. I'm just excited because of the raw potential this story has, and can't wait to see where this journey takes us!
Ok I really am excited for the potential of this story. But there's a lot of sentences that need restructuring. Also as a highly trained soldier I doubt he would A. Hide his weapons under a bed, leave them unattended under said bed. Or even have thoughts about finding a safe place to put them from a alien pony princess.
Also I'm really glad you're trying to be descriptive but you need to go back after a few days and reread to see if you got what you wanted across. I can tell that there's work to be done to make this story even better. Maybe even get a editor to help you out.
Also never call a pistol a gun. Use proper terminology if we're really going to do a soldier in equestria story. (Idc if that requires research)
Dropped a like
I would say more stubborn than ignorant. Great chapter guy. Really brought a tear to my eye.
Felt a little rushed towards the end. None the less was a good chapter. Got me a little teary-eyed.
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8309085
Thanks. Glad you guys liked the chapter.
8309085
8309189
Indignant?
After a brief period of time of thinking upon this recorded group of symbols used to tell a tale after using my eyes to analyse each word of this section of the story, my mortal being has come to a conclusion that it has positive feelings towards this conglomeration of words commonly known as a story.
I think I like it.
If Reyes and his daughter were voiced, what would they sound like?
8315994 Well just imagine their voices. Reyes has a deep voice almost booming voice and Allison has a soft high pitch voice.
*<>* well done Mister , have a 👍 n tracking
HAHA!! So that's why he's a female!!
8329575
Yes indeedy. I was thinking of keeping him as a female, but it wouldn't go well with the story.
8329026 Hey thanks! Glad the story is to your liking
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cant wait for more
So good, can't wait for the next chapter
How can he like this Mare after just met each other?
8343952 Love comes in odd ways my friend. Just role wit it!
What just happened?
So why exactly is this "dark magic" an issue if he's not using it much less knows he has it? The response seems rather immature.
8344123 Things happened.
8344156
Now I get it
Okay so why in every story you write you put the main 6 jumping to conclusions an use the elements on the hero. It doesn't make a lot of sense. Can't wait for more soon.
8344268
8344155
8344123
You know, I might have gone to quick on this chapter. Should I rewrite it?
8344335
I think some parts should be, like how the beginning part of the chapter wasn't explained very well. It was suddenly "Hey everyone, I just so happen to like Kilala97's work and now it's in the story, this includes pairings and offspring.", I'm not saying it's a bad thing it was just quite sudden and unexpected.
Another thing that doesn't seem consistent is Reyes overall size, in chapter two Brave Heart "rubs against his side.", the inconsistency is that if he were Alicorn sized she would not be able to do this as Celestia in canon seems to be able to have a guard walk under without obstruction. But this is a fanfiction, not canon, so I may be wrong in this aspect.
Another thing is the how Celestia seems to act, I may be wrong but the fact that he has "pure" magic and dark magic doesn't seem that bad to me, and certainly doesn't incite need the immediate use of the E.O.H, especially with how nice he acts around everyone.
But that's my opinion, you can take it how every you like, I still enjoy the story even with these sudden plot twist and hope you continue to write for us.
Also if anyone wants to dismantle my comment and point out things I may have missed or messed up, please do because I probably did.
8344335
Honesty yes. It's still a good chapter but in my opinion they jumped the gun and judged to quickly even after they saw his memories. It would make more sense if the fathers jumped in on account of their hostility rather than the royal duo. That's just a suggestion though.
8344383
8344400
You guys sure are abservent. You guys pointed out quite a few things that I need to fix, but I'll just rewrite the chapter so it'll sound better. I apologize for messing up this chapter, and for having so many plot twists in this chapter. Also I apologize for not explaining things better. I'll be sure to fix all that.
8344487
Cool. Keep the papa Rayes though. That was just plain adorable.
8344487
Like I said, I still enjoyed it, there was just a lot suddenly added to the story. A good way to justify the Addition Of Kilala97's OC's is to put in the description that it is a part, yet an alternative version, of said universe, that would get over a lot of confusion.
With that being said those "problems" won't be enough to get me to not like a story as the premise is interesting to me and I thoroughly enjoy these types of stories, so please, keep up the good work.
8344493
Thanks, I appreciate you telling me this.
8344491
Papa Reyes will be sure to stay.
8344512
No problem.
Good chapter can't wait for more
Huzzah for chapter four!
8344335
Yes. They ask Reyes if he's aware of his dark magic and use the Elements ONLY as a last resort.
8344335
Maybe, it's up to you though.
8344003
Love is scary. But I can roll with this answer....
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.
.
.
Maybe?
Better. Can't wait for the next chapter.
Dammit cliffhanger dam you cliffhangers it was getting good