Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat

Fresh Meat

"Hello, everypony. In case we haven't met - I'm Doctor Missy, and I'm the owner of the Mikoyan. That means that I tell Captain Red Pepper what to do with the ship, and she tells you what to do. To keep the lines of command clear, in general, I don't directly tell you what to do - any commands I give you should be treated as suggestions and advice, not orders you are required to follow. This may be slightly complicated if Captain Red asks me to take a shift with the rest of you; but, if that happens, any orders I give should be treated as if I were a crewpony under her authority.

"I trust her implicitly. As she has trusted each of you enough to hire you, I extend you a similar level of trust. While we're resupplying, I'd like to take some time with each of you, to learn what your goals, experiences, and skills are, so that I have a better idea of what you're capable of; so that I can know what the whole ship is capable of with you aboard; so I can give Captain Red the best set of directives possible. If there's anything you'd like to ask me, I welcome any and all questions, and take offense at very little."

---

Before I left ship to go shopping, I tried to settle the pups down. They'd had a busy few days, and were fussy; so I ran my memory through some songs, and, finding one that didn't seem as if it might do any mind-altering, began to sing,

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million Fluttershys
Flew in the room as I fell asleep
'Cause they'd fill the open air
And their squeaking everywhere
Would be so cute
That I would just stand and smile

I'd like to make myself believe
Equestria's kind pony
Would come to me when I'm feeling tired
And snuggle me to sleep
'Cause ponies have invaded all my dreams

'Cause into my room they'd fly
Those ten thousand pegasi
As they sung me lullabies to sleep
"Time to lay your sleepy head
Hush now, time to go to bed"
I'd slumber then,
Snug under my warm bedspread

I'd like to make myself believe
Equestria's kind pony
Would come to me when I'm feeling tired
And snuggle me to sleep
'Cause ponies have invaded all my dreams
(When I fall asleep)

The only magic I could detect was in actually getting four younglings to sleep at the same time. I watched over them for a few moments to make sure all was right with their world, turned around - and startled, seeing one of the Guards watching from the doorway. I managed not to jump into the air, which would be a problem as my hundreds of pounds of beef landed on the deck and wake them all up again; instead, I held my hoof up to my lips for a moment in a silent 'sh', and tip-hooved out of the room, gently closing the door behind me.

I sighed in relief, and the unicorn stallion quietly commented, "You have a very nice voice, ma'am."

"Thank you," I led the way down the hall away, so we wouldn't have to keep our voices low. "I wish I could take credit for that - but it just seems to come naturally with this body - though I'm quite willing to take advantage of it. Berry... Burst?"

"Berry Blast, ma'am. Burst was my father."

"No need to 'ma'am' me."

"You are my assigned superior's superior - 'ma'am' seems most appropriate."

"That reminds me; with both Safe Guard and Micro Scope gone... what, exactly, are you three Guards still doing here?"

"My orders, and I presume those of the others, are that I am detached from my normal unit in Oasis to Safe Guard's orders. I was seconded to Micro Scope, who, while not a member of the Guard, is part of the civilian government; specifically, to both assist and watch over you under her direction. Now that she has also left the ship, I still have my orders to assist and observe you, and common sense dictates that I send reports whenever possible. Before Miss Scope left, she and I and Captain Pepper made arrangements so that my presence aboard the Mikoyan didn't hinder ship's operations, and that I wouldn't be a drain on ship's resources. In essence, unless my duties as a Guard require me to do otherwise, I am to treat Captain Pepper as a superior officer, and serve aboard ship as she directs."

"... And are you alright with that arrangement?"

"Ma'am - from what I have seen so far, you do need to be kept under further observation... if for no other reason than to serve as an unbiased witness when the inevitable court cases start piling up. As neither martial law nor a state of war have been declared, Captain Pepper has the right to toss us off her vessel should she wish, so I need to make arrangements that she finds acceptable, in order to stay aboard to do that."

"I'm probably going to find being the center of attention a bit odd, but given how much else I've gotten used to, I can probably deal with that. I do plan on doing various things which you don't have the security clearance to know about - am I going to have to worry about you trying to find out about those anyway?"

"Safe Guard picked me out of the Oasis contingent because I do have a security clearance - not as high as his, but I've passed the standard background checks, and I went through the training course on how to handle compartmentalized information."

"I doubt your training involved dealing with, say, books that drive you mad merely by looking at their cover."

"No, ma'am. If there's an actual safety issue, I will, of course, defer to you as the expert on handling such hazardous materials."

"I notice that you haven't said you're not going to try peeking."

"You're right, ma'am, I haven't said that, yet."

"... Am I going to have to glue your door shut whenever I want some privacy?"

"I can't rule that out, ma'am."

"If you're going to be my personal voyeur - then 'ma'am' hardly seems appropriate. How about you call me Missy while you try to observe me, and I call you Berry while I glue you to whatever's handy to stop you?"

"If that's what you wish, ma'am."

I sighed.

---

Down in town, I was peering into a closed general store's window, when the pegasus mare flew down and landed next to me. From the corner of my eye, I thought it was Blanche at first, before I turned and saw the Guard uniform. I nodded politely, and said, "Bouncer, right?"

"Cloud Bouncer, ma'am."

"Please - 'Missy'."

"Okay, Missy."

Oh, good - not all of the Guard contingent were as... stiffly formal as Berry. "I hear you got Safe mad when he tried to get you to stop piloting the ship."

"Orders are orders - but some orders aren't to be followed."

"You have no idea how happy I am to hear somepony say that."

"I might have some idea. I hear you Dairy ponies - and other species - are more into getting results than procedures. I can respect that... as long as it works."

"It doesn't, always. I once got chased by a blood-thirsty mob just for trying to sing the wrong song."

"Was it some tribe of barely-civilized savages?"

"... Now that's just too easy. It was a Manehattan crowd."

"I don't get it."

"Haven't you ever noticed what happens when ponies start singing songs in public?"

"... No?"

"Hm... it might be easier to show you then tell you. I think I've got one well enough memorized that's appropriate, and reasonably safe - I just hope I can carry through with it; patter songs have never really been my strong suit. Are you up for an aerial rescue if I stumble and another mob comes after me?"

She looked up and down at me, appraisingly. "I think I can lift you to a roof. I could be wrong."

"Then I'll try not to make you have to." I concentrated on the tune I had in mind, starting to feel the beat - and even before I opened my mouth, I heard the sound of tools nearby fit themselves into the timing. I decided to take that as a reasonably good omen, so I called on my inner Al Yankovic and sang,

Gonna get me a flashlight and a broom
Want a pair of pliers for every single room of my house
See those hacksaws? Very, very soon
One of them will be all mine

Guys with nametags walking down the aisles
Rows of garden hoses that go on for miles and miles
Brand new socket wrenches in a plethora of styles
All arranged alphabetically

I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

Would you look at all that stuff ...
They've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters
Trash compactors, juice extractor, shower rods and water meters
Walkie-talkies, copper wires safety goggles, radial tires
BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers
Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters
Paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters
Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables
Hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles
Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication
Metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation
Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors
Tire guages, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors
Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers
Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers
Soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers
Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers

I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Ha-ardware store

As I finished, and Bouncer and I pushed a line of loaded shopping carts out onto the sidewalk, she started blinking rapidly, and then started at me. "What," she flatly stated.

"You came in nicely with those backup vocals," I said cheerfully.

"But - I never heard that song before, so how could I - and they - and you...?"

"How serious an answer do you want?"

"How serious can you get?"

"Hm. Okay - if you haven't already seen it, I've started making some truth wands, which work when you say a certain word. There are other magics which respond to words. But the thing is, words are just patterns of air compression, and they don't have any meaning, except the meaning given to them by a mind. This suggests at least two theories of how such magics work. One, the mind involved is that of the pony speaking, and the words just serve as a focus of concentration, with all the real work of interpreting exactly what's meant being done by the speaker. If that's the case, then magic is primarily a product of mental activity, which can be focused or enhanced by words - and rhythmic words, set to melody and with harmony, might be able to cause such minds to create a sort of magic even without any conscious intent. Or, put another way, when one pony starts thinking about a rhythm, that in itself is enough to create a subtle magic that can draw other ponies into it."

"... You said there was at least another?"

"Oh, yes. The other possibility is that there's some external mind-like thing which is listening for the magic words, which is sufficiently wide-spread in reach to hear any words in Equestria, and possibly in Equis, and of sufficient mental capacity to deal with however many spells might be being cast at the same time. If such an entity exists... maybe it gets bored, and passes some of the time doing amateur choreography."

"... How could you tell the difference?"

"Ooh, I like the way you think. It's not all that hard to come up with an experiment - the trouble is, since those experiments would tend to involve meddling with ponies' minds, it's not nearly as easy to come up with an ethical experiment. If you can think of any, please, let me know - I'm only a single cow, and I'm really trying very hard to get as many other ponies as possible to work on such things. In the meantime - are you up to taking these loads up to the Mikoyan?"

---

"So - Ermina, is it?"

"Armina."

"Armina, sorry. I'm afraid I'm not very familiar with your species, or any cultural norms you have that differ from Equestrian."

"I'm not surprised."

"So... What brought you to sign up with us?"

"You know the Griffin Pirates?"

"I'm aware of them, yes."

"I figure I'll have a better chance of joining 'em if I've got some experience on an airship."

"Am I going to need to worry about you jumping ship?"

"A griffin who can't keep her word won't be hired by anybody."

"Fair enough. Is there anything I can do to help you to work better while you're with us? Alternate bedding arrangements, or-"

"Food."

"Amethyst seems to be taking over the kitchen-"

"Meat."

"Ah. Well - unlike many ponies, I have no particular objection to using, and I emphasize this one word, non-sapient animals for food. In fact, some of your pay comes from dragon treasure, which I traded animals I hunted and killed myself for. But this ship is mostly crewed by ponies, whose performance might be hindered if they had to think about such things. So how about this: I'll talk to the Captain to get some reasonably liberal policies on diet set, if you'll agree to be professional about the whole thing."

"'Professional'?"

"Consider your actions in terms of improving overall crew performance. There will be a certain increase if we make sure you have a supply of meat; there will be a decrease if you spread bunny giblets across the mess table in front of everyone."

"I just need to eat it - I'm not going to paint my feathers with it."

"Then I believe we have an understanding. In that case - while we're in town, we should make sure we have the equipment and spices to preserve some, for when it's infeasible for you to hunt for yourself directly. Since you've got wings, why don't you go check with Amethyst for what we've got, and get a list of what we still need?""

---

"Tranquil... Glen?"

"Tranquil Valley," the unicorn mare gently corrected.

"Sorry - it seems I'm even worse with names than I thought I was."

"Eh, I've been called worse."

"So - any particular reason you signed up as an airship crewpony?"

"The money, mainly."

"There are plenty of other ways to make bits."

"Yeah - but Captain Red offered more than I was making, and I want a bundle, as fast as I can get."

"Planning on a big purchase?"

"Something like that."

"Do you mind if I ask what it is?"

"Most ponies laugh."

"I promise I'll try not to, if you want to tell me. If you don't, I'll try not to pry."

"... I read in the papers, that in Canterlot, a unicorn got herself turned into a sea-pony."

I tried not to choke on my cud. With a bit of effort, I managed to say, "I'm... familiar... with the story."

"When I heard that was possible - a bunch of things in my head clicked together. I realized I'd always wanted to be a sea pony, I just hadn't actually thought I could, you know? But if the nobles are doing that themselves now, then with enough bits, I should be able to get one who'll do it for me, right?"

"I... don't know," I said cautiously. "I've heard of stranger desires, but if you really do think you're something like a seapony born in a unicorn's body-"

"That's it! Exactly!"

"- Well, there's worse things you can do than pursue that dream. I've got a few references in my shipboard library which might be relevant; come see me sometime when we're both off-shift, and we can see if you can focus your efforts more precisely."

---

"Let me see if I get this one right - 'Stoke Red'?"

"Mmyep."

"Part of the extended Apple Family, I'm guessing?"

"Mmyep."

"Can't think of much to do with apples on airships."

"Mmnope."

"So...?"

"Mm."

"I could try tickling you until you were ready to talk."

"Mm...mmalright, no need for that."

"So - what's an apple family member doing on an airship?"

"Carpentry."

"That... makes sense. At least in a way. Anything else?"

"Learnin'."

"Mm?"

"My great-aunt Early Victoria says airships are carrying more cargo. More cargo like more apples. If'n we want the family to keep up with the times, we've gotta keep up with the tech-no-lo-gee. Maybe even start buildin' our own."

"I look forward to the day you've got a whole fleet."

---

As we were about to pull up stakes and make tracks - I got a message from Micro, sent via the usual mix of methods.

Got message from Safe. Private code, never written down, almost certainly from him. Said to stay out of Canterlot. Will meet you at your next stop.

That stop was the town we were at now. So we spent the next day staying in the area, doing more maneuvering practice, weapons exercises, and general familiarization with the ship and each other. Blanche was on watch at the time to point out the stage coach approaching, and soon enough, Micro Scope was hauled aboard.

She said to me and Red, "I'm not entirely sure what's going on. The papers issued a correction, saying it wasn't you who died after all - and the stories included some quotes from me."

Red asked, "And?"

Micro glared. "And I hadn't gotten to Canterlot yet, and never made any such quotes."

I considered. "Star Chaser went to Canterlot disguised as you - maybe she's keeping up that disguise?"

Micro shrugged. "It's possible. She doesn't know any of the codes or procedures, so she can't fool the Dairy, but she might be able to fool anypony else."

Red said, "But Safe Guard knows the codes, right? So - if he helps her, then...?"

Micro frowned. "What reason could he have for doing that?"

I offered, "Well - he was pretty sure that nothing would happen to the decoy cow, and when it did, and when it was an accident that would have been so hard to arrange... maybe it shook him up?"

We went round and round for a while, but weren't able to come up with anything solid enough to act on.

As Micro stood up to get herself a bunk prepared, I cleared my throat a bit. "On a matter that, on an absolute scale, is of much less importance, I was wondering..."

She sighed. "I didn't deliver it in person - but yes, I got your apology cake sent to your marefriend. I'm sure you'll only be mildly killed when you see her again."

---

Author's Note: In case you're losing track, here's a quick Who's Who of who's aboard the Mikoyan:

Owner: Doctor Missy, cow, female
Captain: Red Hot Chili Pepper, pegasus, female, got her out of prison
Mate: Blanche, pegasus, female, cured her love potion
Cook: Amethyst, diamond dog, female, negotiated peace with her pack
Kids: John, Paul, George, Ringo, diamond dogs, male, adopted
Guard: Gallant Heart, earth pony, male, glued him to floor
Guard: Berry Blast, unicorn, male, observer
Guard: Cloud Bouncer, pegasus, female, piloted
Crew: Armina, griffon, female, bought gear to can spiced ham
Crew: Tranquil Valley, unicorn, female, would-be seapony
Crew: Stoke Red, earth-pony, male, would-be shipping magnate
Extra: Micro Scope, unicorn, female, scientist

Comments

[Liqwidice]

Wooohooo... keep up the great work.

[Forevermore]

May I suggest you take a page out of my book in An Old Mare's Tale: Gadgets, Bringer of SCIENCE! and keep a brief character list in the description?

[Tay the Chemist]

Wait, wait... Armina brought Spam? Or the resources to make Spam?

[Nathan Traveler]

Gettin' to actually know some of the background characters. That's pretty cool, actually. Very nice take on things.

...Apology cakes. Never leave home without 'em.

[strangephantasm]

Ten thousand Fluttershys eh? There's an infinite number of realities out there, or so I'm told. That mean's there's an infinite number of Fluttershys.
Now imagine what a person could do with an infinite army of Fluttershys...

Prepare yourself Wilford Brimley. Prepare yourself.
The end is nigh.

[Salacar]

data.whicdn.com/images/29826879/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-tastes-like-classic_large.gif

Music. Magical music

[DataPacRat]

Author's Note: I just got home from today's long hike, which turned out to be an extra-long one; by my figuring, about 17 km. I'm tired, sunburned, smell of bug repellant, and am quite happy. Regular story updates should resume tomorrow.

[RealityDowngrade]

Weird Al. Magical Weird Al.
3.bp.blogspot.com/-GmvphJ3xFSQ/TbIQf_mJhBI/AAAAAAAAI-k/hQB0ZTsRqXU/s1600/Weird%2BAl%2BYankovic%2BAlpocalypse%2Balbum%2Bteaser%2Bvideo.jpg

[Jack D. Knights]

[DataPacRat]

1178630
It's an interesting thought; but the character list contains spoilers, and even now is still changing.

1179907
There's no such thing as a 'background' character - every character considers themself to be the hero of their own story.

[Themaskedferret]

List is appreciated, I was caught up but I'll never turn out a chance to confirm or correct ^^

[BATTLEAXE]

@DataPacRat The list... What about Marble, in the brig?

[DataPacRat]

1413796
Marble was dropped off in Canterlot back in chapter 70.

[Organized Chaos]

1184685 Is Al Famine or Pestilence?

[scranity]

YES. OH GOD YES.
SOMETHING I CAN CLEARLY UNDERSTAND!
ALL HAIL THE YANKOVIC!

[musicluvr1974]

What you did with Owl City's most famous song here was absolutely brilliant...!