Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat

Balances and Counter-Balances

"Welcome back, Doctor Missy," Page Turner smiled up at me as I returned to The Dairy. "You have several messages - but our Royal Guard liason, Safe Guard, has requested to speak to you, in terms that I believe translate to 'now'." I thanked her, collected my mail, and went looking for Safe; I hadn't met him in person yet, but as there was a single unicorn in golden armor talking to some of the ponies on the cockatrice safety crew, I was able to make an educated guess. Having spotted my approach, he'd already started winding his conversation to a close, so when I asked him, "Is my office good?", he just nodded and the two of us trotted in.

I tossed my mail on my desk, gestured to the hay and water I had handy, said "Help yourself," and finally stretched my bulk out on one of the conversational couches, gesturing at the other. He seemed to prefer to stand. "What can I do for you today?"

"Apparently, the question should be, what can I do for you." I blinked, so he continued, "After your latest meeting with Their Royal Highnesses, the Guard was informed that an additional set of projects are to be initiated under the auspices of The Dairy, and that we should cooperate to the fullest extent possible."

He was continuing to glare at me through his golden helmet, so I said, mildly, "You don't seem to be very happy about it."

"I am not."

"... Would you care to go into more detail?"

"It is against Guard policy to insult civilians."

The corner of my mouth twitched, but I fought myself back to a straight face. "Safe Guard - I have a great deal to do, and I have no idea of how little time I may have to do it in. If I am to have a hope of accomplishing anything useful, one of the most important things you can do for me is to worry only about telling me the truth, as you see it, without worrying about whether I will feel unhappy or insulted about it. So whatever it is you want to tell me but feel you shouldn't - I request you tell me anyway."

"Very well. What I have heard of the projects, I have no problem with. It is you that I am concerned about."

"Me?"

He pulled a notebook from somewhere inside its armor, and flipped it open. "No records of you exist prior to three weeks ago, whereupon you appeared in Ponyville, claimed some form of insanity or amnesia or both, made contact with the Element Bearers, and convinced the Bearer of Magic to fast-track you a meeting with the Princesses, whereupon you arranged for a meeting whose contents not even the Guard are privy to. With royal approval, you formed a superficial organization, a secret organization, and began collecting resources and personnel. You broke your leg attempting to jump from one roof to another," he glanced at me, "though I'm probably going to let that one slide, given the nature of the Bearer of Laughter." He looked back to his notes. "You were involved in a violent incident involving several members of noble families of the Conservative coalition, resulting in several changes in inheritance and a brief prison term for yourself. You arranged for another prisoner to receive early release, were given a doctorate under unusual circumstances, traveled with the Prince of Canterlot to Manehattan, sparked a riot, engaged in trade with a foreign dragon involving somehow acquiring a large quantity of meat for it, met with a group of Buffalo who recently threatened to trample Appleoosa, spent several days traveling throughout that region and meeting with various individuals of high and low character, and just had another royal meeting resulting in several new policies." He flipped the book back and tucked it away. "The only reason you're not a suspect in the bombing of the Alicorn was your confirmed presence in the Appleoosa region at the time it occurred - otherwise I would have insisted you be placed in a holding cell for questioning as soon as you returned."

I mused, "I had no idea you were keeping such close tabs on me." Of course, that hadn't stopped me from acting as if somebody might be spying on me... though I'd initially suspected it would be someone more along the lines of the woman who'd turned out to (probably) be Athena.

"Frankly, Doctor Missy, if your initial statement that you are simply insane is incorrect, then at the very least you pose a danger to yourself and those around you - and I am not ruling out the possibility that you are an agent hostile to Equestria itself."

I considered, then slowly nodded. "Given the evidence you have available to you, that seems like a reasonable conclusion. In that case - why are we talking here, instead of an interrogation cell?"

"Because Their Royal Highnesses have given other orders - and as of yet, I lack any concrete evidence that you have committed a crime or otherwise broken your parole."

I scratched my chin with the edge of a hoof as I thought about how to try to handle this. "Would you be willing to accept that there's at least a possibility that there are things you are currently unaware of, which give good explanations for everything which currently causes you to be suspicious?"

"I already do."

"Good, that's a start. In that case - would you be willing to change your current job's focus somewhat - perhaps handing your current duties to another guard - and focusing primarily on making sure that my actions end up causing no unnecessary harm to civilians, or those around me."

He blinked, and his glare altered a bit, now looking somewhat more like a combination of confusion and curiosity. "You want me to watch you?"

"I have many long-term plans to work on - but while I'm keeping my focus on them, it's very possible that my attention will slip far enough away from the present that, if I'm left unchecked, I'll accidentally do something even stupider than jump onto a straw roof. You seem to have a sensible head on your shoulders, and be willing to work with odd situations... so I'm willing to grant you a veto over anything I do, in the name of, er, safeguarding innocent lives - within a couple of conditions."

Dryly, "I can't wait to hear them."

"One, that once I listen to your objections, then based on information you lack, I may decide that more lives would be saved in the long term by proceeding; but I promise to at least listen to you first, and to take your concerns into account, and that I won't overrule you frivolously."

"Only if you agree that if you overrule me, I can ask one of the Princesses to consider overruling you."

"I think I can live with that. Two - you need to accept that I'm still going to be keeping secrets from you; at least unless the Princesses themselves agree you should be told, which I rather doubt will happen."

He frowned. "I don't like it."

"I don't expect you to. But even your knowing that I do have secrets above your clearance level is a secret in and of itself - and this condition is a deal-breaker. If you can't accept that I can't tell you everything, then I'm not going to let you have veto-power over the rest of my doings."

He didn't answer for a little bit, and I was starting to wonder if he'd refuse - before he finally said, "I'll provisionally agree - dependent on my checking with Their Royal Highnesses on the matter."

"Fair enough. The last condition is more of a practical necessity - I expect I'm likely to have to go places where a Royal Guard would be unwelcome, and whose suspected presence may lead to disaster. If you want to continue to keep an eye on me there, you're going to have to be able to take off the armor and go undercover."

"I think I can live with that," he echoed - and was that the ghost of a smile?

"Good!" I declared, getting to my hooves. "And if you're going to be spending this much time with me, and keeping this close an eye on me - then I can clear up at least one of your minor mysteries for you."

---

I led him to one of our more sound-proofed rooms, had him park on one end, and nudged a wooden training dummy to the other side. Rejoining him, I explained, "When I fought off my would-be rapists..." I paused to see if he'd comment, but he just gave an infinitesimal nod, so I continued, "it was mainly a combination of tricks and clever gadgets, which gave me enough leeway that my uncoordinated thrashing with my hooves was able to accomplish something useful. But had that been a truly serious fight, against a trained opponent - I would have been toast. So I arranged for a particularly clever gadget to be built. Here - I suggest you put these on," and pointed to some construction workers' ear-protectors, "while I demonstrate." He didn't seem especially willing, but when I put my own pair on, he reluctantly did the same.

Chekov was, in essence, an M1911A1 automatic pistol, based on my memories of a number of 3D models and internal-working videos I had examined, while I had been investigating the phenomenon of 3D-printers back on Earth; with the design somewhat modified for Equestrian manufacturing techniques and for use with hooves instead of hands. It has a sort of chest-mount to hold it in place, based on pony photographers' cameras, as well as a loop on the grip so it can also be held with a hoof; and the trigger and guard are comically oversized. The room we were in was where I'd gotten what practice I'd managed to accomplish in; so I already had a feel for the range and my weapon's characteristics. I 'drew', triggering the chest-mount, let my breath half-out, and squeezed three times. Our ear protection held the reports down to muffled booms, and three holes appeared in the dummy - one in the head, two in the torso - and Safe said something; through the earmuffs, I couldn't quite make it out, but if I had to guess, it sounded something like "By Celestia's milky-white teats!". I re-holstered, making a mental note to clean Chekov before I went to bed, took off my hearing protection, and indicated Safe should do the same.

I walked over to the target to investigate my aim more closely, and Safe Guard followed - silent, but with his eyes wider than they had been. I calmly continued my explanation, "It would be about as hard as building a railroad to build enough of these to arm every stallion, filly, and foal in Equestria. While I am extremely in favor of ensuring that every female has the means to defend herself against a would-be rapist, whether or not they could fly or cast unicorn or magic; part of Luna's conditions in helping me to build this was that I undertake no such program on my own - to let the Princesses make the decision about whether Equestrian society would be helped or harmed by having widespread access to such things." I glanced at him. "I agreed, on the condition that outside of experimental models, once this knowledge was out, they weren't to try to limit it to just an authorized class of users, such as the nobility or military. There are all too many ways Equestrian society could go wrong if some ponies could use these against others, and those others could not defend themselves in kind." I considered, then shrugged and added, "If you'd like, I expect I can get one made for you."

"No, that's... alright. I think I'll stick to horn-blasts for now."

I nodded agreeably. "I'll leave the offer open, in case you change your mind. Anyway - this is how I gathered the meat to trade to the dragon. Non-sapient meat, in case you were worried." At his expression, I half-smiled. "Just because I can't digest the stuff doesn't mean I'll refuse to deal with someone who can't digest anything else. And going hunting seemed a lot less likely to get ponies killed than trying to fight off an adult fire-breathing dragon."

I looked at the dummy, and frowned at my shots' placements - hooves were harder to aim with than hands. "Mind you, this weapon does have its limitations. Such as, unlike a horn, it can be taken away. So if a serious fight develops... even with Chekov, I may very well end up worse off than I did with those would-be rapists." My brow wrinkled as I thought, and I glanced at him. "Perhaps you might be able to help me with that."

He pulled his attention away from the bullet-holes. "I am already dedicated to guarding you from threats."

"That's nice to hear - but not quite what I meant. Would you happen to know if there are any exercise programs or training courses, which cover self-defense and combat for bovines of the uddered persuasion?"

"There... may be something relevant in the Guard training manuals."

"Good. Just because I'm stuck with this body doesn't mean I have to be stuck with it in its current state." I sighed. "What I'd really like is to be able to have a vehicle in orbit I could call for supporting fire from, but I'll take what - um, what are you looking at me like that for?"

"I recently read a report about a pony in Manehattan who is designing a 'Space Carriage' he claims can travel to other stars. I dismissed it as a simple deluded crank, but... um..."

I chuckled a bit. "... Now that you've seen me, you're more willing to accept that even deluded cranks can come up with useful ideas?"

"Something like that."

"No worries. I'll bring the thought up with Celestia the next time I talk to her. In the meantime - how about we go back to my office, and we can talk about some ideas I've had for letting the Guard send messages more quickly..."

---

Some time later, while I was taking a walk through one of the palace's gardens to help clear my mind and relax, when I turned a corner, Floaty Goth teen was there in front of me.

"Hello," I greeted her cheerily. "Here to tell me I'm still unworthy of living forever?"

“You think you’re the first one to try this? Countless others before you have attempted to defeat Death, some by violence, some by chains, others by cunning. You’ve heard the stories of Hercules wrestling Thanatos to the ground when he came for a queen, and of Sisyphus, who tricked Him into giving him a little more time? What you’re doing is far from original, and if you ever reach the end of that path, you’ll see why they failed.”

“It’s certainly an old aspiration, going back all the way to Gilgamesh, and probably well before then. The difference is - now we understand enough of how the universe actually works that we’ve got an actual shot at doing this. And our knowledge is only growing greater, faster with each passing year.”

“Hmph, you understand nothing, mortal. Living forever? There’s a reason we kept it to ourselves.”

“Those who have something others lack always seem to have a reason to keep it for just themselves. Funny, that.”

“You are young, you will learn.” She disappeared back into the shadows.

To the thin air, I gave my parting shot: “Well, yeah, that’s kind of the whole idea...”

---

(Author's Note: This chapter is a direct crossover with Forevermore's Skeleton Jack, and an indirect crossover with BlindTeller's "I want to run!", whose Chapter 9 is set some time after this chapter.)

Comments

[Forevermore]

That was unexpected

At some point I want Missy to be in a situation where Jack can say: "Use the force, Missy."

Missy replies; "Why are you in my head?"

Jack: "It's cozy in here, also I suggest you duck."

[Keairan]

Now that I think about it, Missy is probably one of the most dangerous of the pieces seen so far, not because of physical abilities, but because of a remarkable ability to manipulate and to plan. Also, the lack of remarkable physical attributes makes her easy to dismiss, thus allowing an easy stab in the back.

[DataPacRat]

853665
<whistles innocently>

[Sesquame]

It helps when the character is actually smart and has good plans, as opposed to simply saying "hes a genius" and claiming that justifies slaying dragons with ease

[TheEnemyCube]

854065 Don't forget that some pieces are in the "beserker" category, where if they get angry or full of adrenaline, the opponent WILL die. The beserker category has many different attributes that make up their power, such as; just plain adrenaline, anger and the ability to control it, descending into a fit of what I call "Calm madness" when they are angry enough.

[AppleTank]

853665
There are many types of heroes and killers, my friend. There are the ones charging in with guns blazing, the ones who carefully kills at long distance, the ones who sneakes poison into drinks, stealth, hackers who slowly ruin your life, etc.

[Salacar]

Missy is best Chest piece

One thing, I noted a lack of reaction from Safe Guard after Missy's line:

"Good. Just because I'm stuck with this body doesn't mean I have to be stuck with it in its current state."

What's up with that? Unless Safe Guard just figured it was a general comment regarding the cow body.

[DataPacRat]

855369
Unless Safe Guard just figured it was a general comment regarding the cow body.
How about we say I meant to imply that one.

[Salacar]

855904

Works for me

[Doctor Whooves]

I notice that you (or, at least, your character) has a rather... positive view of guns.

I can understand that she might wish for a greater level of protection, considering recent events, and can think of a few ways in which she could feasibly protect herself. However, what I can't understand is how a rational, intelligent being such as herself would ever think guns were a good idea.

[DataPacRat]

856711
It would be awkward if this thread devolved into a more-heat-than-light back-and-forth about present-day politics, rather than stay focused on the story; but to try to answer your implied question: Assume, for at least a moment, that she is faced with a situation in which a monster (or unicorn) is threatening to kill an innocent. (Said innocent might be herself, but isn't necessarily so.) If she does nothing, the innocent will die. If she uses insufficient force, the innocent will die. If she uses sufficient force, then it's likely that the threatener will die. In such a case, is it then moral to use potentially-lethal force against the threatener? Missy believes that the answer is 'yes'. Given that answer that it is, at least on occasion, moral to use lethal levels of force, she then applies her usual mantra of trying to be pessimistic enough to undershoot reality (which is really hard), and her standard procedure of being prepared for any such pessimistically-created scenarios - then, it becomes as reasonable to her to arrange to have a gun as it would be to arrange to have a first-aid kit.

Does that provide enough of an explanation so that you can understand why she thinks owning guns can be a good idea?

[Doctor Whooves]

856762
I can believe that Missy might think that she has a good reason to carry one around, even though less-lethal weaponry, such as gas propelled knockout darts or some such, would seemingly be both easier to make and safer (particularly considering her poor aim).

What I find more odd is that she wants guns for every(pony) else, too. Yes, those more at risk in Equestrian society may be better protected, however, the other side has them too, and it just ends up with a higher likelihood of serious injury.

I suppose it depends on what you reason to be 'sufficient force'. If you think guns are necessary In this (and they really, really shouldn't be), then... that's fine. Though, perhaps other avenues could be explored first.

Anyway, like you said, neither of us wants this to degenerate into a full-blown argument, so I would just like to point out that I find your fic very enjoyable to read. Congratulations.

[Gi6791]

Damn it author you got me interested in reading skeleton jack but I go to look for it and it's not there