Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat

This Space Intentionally Left Blank

The rest of that day, Cheerilee and I spent mostly talking... and occasionally holding hooves. I explained that my job required me to keep certain things confidential; and also that I was well aware that some of my memories were simply impossible to believe - but those were still the memories I had. But other than not being able to talk about some things, and some of the things I said making no sense to her... I talked, and she talked, and more importantly, we both tried to listen as best we could. And we found we had at least some important things in common - she wanted to help ponies grow to be the best they could be, while I wanted to help make sure they had a chance to grow up at all.

I said, "Ponyville itself has had the Ursa Minor, a sleeping dragon's smoke, parasprites, diamond dogs, Discord, and various close calls from the Everfree Forest, and more, just over the past year or so. And the Bearers of the Elements aren't anywhere nearby at the moment. And - while I'd rather you didn't spread this around, but strictly speaking it's not confidential - there are indications that there is worse to come. I want... well, to put into place as many backup plans as are physically possible, so that whatever emergency arises, every pony in Ponyville will have the best possible chance of coming through it in the best shape possible. I want the basement under the school to be not just the printing press, but a place where all your foals can hide, safely, if something happens in the middle of the schoolday, so they don't have to try to make it home, and so their parents know they're as safe as possible. I want them to know how to help each other if they're hurt, in case you're not there to help them. I want to have a second shelter somewhere nearby, in case the whole schoolhouse is in danger. I want a plan to evacuate the whole town, if need be. I want ponies who have learned how to keep from just running around and screaming and getting in the way. I want news of any emergency here to be sent as fast as possible to Ponyville's neighbours - and if anything happens in those places, for Ponyville to hear about it as soon as possible. I want to plan for so many worst-case scenarios, that I've actually over-planned, and whatever actually happens, there's a plan in place to handle it."

And I talked about how I wanted to understand how the universe really worked, and wanted researchers to find ways to cure everything possible so that nopony died who didn't want to, and for sapient beings to spread out to fill the vast expanses with life and complexity and interestingness, and Bayesian reasoning and Solomonoff induction and maximizing ponies' well-being, and how even without the magic of friendship that truly rational long-term self-interested behavior was nearly indistinguishable from simple 'good' actions, and more...

... and she, in turn, described her hopes and dreams and aspirations, which I tried to file away and remember as best I could in case I ever got a chance to fulfill them.

We talked about foods we liked, and music we appreciated - though I was hampered somewhat by not having had much time to test out my bovine body's taste buds - our opinions on smoking, drinking, profanity, tattoos, and the like; where we each grew up (I shrugged and described my actual hometown, leaving out as much human-specific bits as possible; when I said it was around a dozen miles from Niagara Falls, she gently corrected my pronunciation to 'Neighagra', and I went along with it); the fact that I was absolutely terrified at the idea of ever becoming a mother; personalities, politics, and preferred pets; and all that sort of stuff, each of us looking for any conflict which would definitively prove that an actual relationship between us would be doomed to failure.

Oddly enough, neither of us found one.

That night, we slept in the same bed again - and despite what you may be thinking, all we did was cuddle together some. I was a bit hesitant at first, but after having a chance to get used to the idea and settle in, it was... nice.

---

The next day, Cheerilee had to mostly spend getting ready to get back to teaching, leaving me to my own devices. When she trotted off, I looked off in the distance at Canterlot, perched on the mountainside. It occurred to me that a single MOAB, or magical or monstrous equivalent, could not only destroy the place, but would also turn the Dairy network I was forming into shreds. If I wanted to put together an organization that could truly deal with disasters, that would have to include disasters for any nexus points - so I'd have to draw some inspiration from the internet, and arrange matters so that no single location was indispensable to the whole. A good place to start might be to start arranging a simple backup site for the current main Dairy right here in Ponyville - and after that, see about setting up alternate Dairy sites, each of which could carry on the whole thing if they had to, in as many other places as possible.

I spent the morning walking around town, keeping an eye out for a place where the Canterlot operations could be transferred to, without interfering with Ponyville's own functioning. That latter requirement left Town Hall out, which would otherwise have been ideal. Twilight's library was rather cramped, using the hospital would put patients in danger, and everywhere else I looked had some reason or other why it shouldn't be used.

I took lunch at a cafe Cheerilee recommended, by a windmill on the south of town. The sandwiches were decent enough; they used a sort of salted cooked mushroom which made a decent bacon substitute. As I finished it off, I looked at the view, including the places I couldn't see directly but knew were there - the cow barn, Fluttershy's cottage, Rainbow Dash's floating house, Sweet Apple Acres...

... hm.

---

"Hello, Big Mac."

He shifted his ever-present straw to the other side of his mouth, then said, "Hello, Missy."

I watched him doing something I couldn't quite make out with the ironwork of a water pump - he seemed to be in no hurry to advance the conversation, and I tried to adapt myself to his preferred mode of communication.

One he pulled his hooves out of the works, he finally said, "Something I can help you with, Missy?"

"Might be at that, Big Mac. Might be at that." He started wiping grease from his hooves with a rag, so I continued, "I've been thinking some, on getting ready for disasters - so that if the worst ever happens, it won't be as bad as it could be." Okay, so even when I tried to be laconic, I still sounded like a dictionary on hooves. "There's a new government program in the works - subsidies for building and maintaining emergency shelters."

"Mm-yep," he commented.

"But I'm making some plans of my own, too. I'm thinking that if a disaster ever hit Canterlot - a lot of the good work I'm doing will be un-done. So I've started looking for a place where that work could keep getting done... and I thought of Sweet Apple Acres."

He switched his straw back to the first side of his mouth again.

"So until Applejack got back - I thought I'd see if you had any opinion. Whether you think it's possible to come to some arrangement, to find some spot in your land, to set things up to get ready to go quickly in case of emergency."

"Mm...maybe."

Well, it was a start.

---

The next few days were a blur of negotiating with Big Mac; running the Dairy at one-hand-removed by sending messages to Canterlot and getting news in return; and getting to know Cheerilee better. I pretty much let her take the lead in the whole possible-relationship-thing, and she quickly got a feel for what I was comfortable with: I was always a bit slow and hesitant with anything new, and liked to take a bit of time to get used to one thing before we tried the next thing. It was slow, but pleasant - we'd gotten to the point where we could cuddle up with each other in a public park, looking at our own paperwork or each others', and not think twice about it.

After one such session, where I'd been stretched out under a tree on my side and Cheerilee had been using my ample gut for a pillow, she had to go hit Quills & Sofas for some actual quills, and some nearby stores for some stationary; but I was content to stay in place for a bit, to finish going over the latest report, a possible final contender for the encoding system for the optical telegraphs.

And then the tree above me started rustling, and I heard some whispering - in a rather ominous trio of voices."

"... lots of time together..."

"... room-mates..."

"... Very Special ..."

"... impossible, she's a she, and not even a pony..."

"... but just look..."

I sighed, and called up, "You can come down now, girls."

There was a silence, and then the Crusaders made their way back down to the ground, and sat in front of me, looking at me - Sweetie Belle looked excited, Scootaloo looked grumpy, and Apple Bloom looked confused.

I folded away my papers to look at later, and said to them, "Is there anything you'd like to ask?"

Sweetie Belle burst out, "Are you and Miss Cheerilee together?"

I tapped my chin with a hoof. "That's an interesting question. Do you mind if I ask you three some questions before I answer?"

"Uh, I guess?"

"Did you know that it's possible for Cheerilee to get fired, if the school board doesn't like her?"

They looked at each other, and shrugged. "She does a great job teaching," said Scootaloo, "So that'll never happen."

"I see. Did you know that Silver Spoon's and Diamond Tiara's parents are on the school board?"

"Uh... no?"

"Do those two fillies ever tease you because you're different?"

"Of course!" "Yep!" "Uh-huh."

"Did they ever go so far that Miss Cheerilee had to stop them?"

"Uh... yeah." "I guess." "Sometimes."

"Second-last question. Do you think Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara might be a lot like their parents?"

"Maybe?"

"Alright. Imagine that Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara found out you started hanging out with some calves... and there was no Miss Cheerilee around to stop them. I'm pretty sure that none of you three would be very happy. Now imagine that Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara's parents found out that Miss Cheerilee was doing something they didn't like, and they had the power to fire her, and there was nobody to stop her... so my last question: do you think Miss Cheerilee might end up unhappy?"

"Um... maybe..." "They wouldn't, would they?" "I wouldn't want to be Miss Cheerilee if that happened..."

"Okay. Now I'll answer your question. Miss Cheerilee and I work together on some government teacher stuff, and have gotten to be friends. Since, if we were ever to become more than just friends, and certain ponies on the school board found out, she would become unhappy, and since I don't want her to be unhappy, then I can neither confirm nor deny any specially-close friendship that might be occurring, have occurred, or will occur, between the two of us. Do you understand?"

They gave me looks as blank as their flanks - until Sweetie Belle's eyes widened. "Oh, it's a secret relationship! Like Lady Austin and the stableboy in that novel we found under Twilight's pill- oh." She blushed at the inadvertent confession.

With a smile, I said, "And that's precisely the reason I'm not going to confirm anything of the sort. And since it would be awkward if I suddenly started denying such a relationship, that's why I'm starting my policy of deliberate ambiguity now."

The three of them put their heads together and started whispering amongst themselves again. Finally they broke, slapped their hooves together, and announced, "Cutie Mark Crusader Secret Matchmakers!"

I facehoofed.

---

Cheerilee suggested we try styling each other's manes - well, her mane and my tuft of human-hair-like stuff - and I told her about the CMC while trying to give her some pigtails. She laughed, and said, "I think they learned their lesson when they gave Big Mac and me love poison."

I winced a little. "I don't remember a thing I did when somepony slipped me that stuff."

She squeezed my hoof in hers. (How did that work, anyway?) "Both of us were lucky, we were surrounded by good friends who kept us out of trouble, and told us about what happened after."

"Speaking of which - I have to go back to see my people in Canterlot, soon. Maybe tomorrow. I can't run the whole Dairy from Ponyville through the mail - at least, not yet."

"When do you think you'll be back?"

"I think I can make it back in just a few days... but if something comes up, I may need to take an airship to somewhere else in Equestria. And then I don't know how long I'll be. But I can at least write letters if that happens... the one thing I've been working very hard at is making sure I can exchange messages with Canterlot as fast as possible, no matter where I am - and the Pegasus Express can carry 'em the rest of the way."

"They say it's hard to keep a long-distance relationship going, even with the best letters."

"I suppose this is where we find out if... whatever we have... really can keep us together, with our jobs pulling us apart."

That evening, we had our first actual kiss. And then went to sleep. And we had our second kiss in the morning, as we made our goodbyes.

---

Back in Canterlot, knowing that there was somepony in Ponyville waiting for me to come back gave me even more impetus to get everything done quickly than having advance warning that Equestria was in danger of being destroyed. I'd read about near/far distinctions, and the different ways human (or pony, or cow) minds operated when dealing with immediate things right in front of them as opposed to abstract, theoretical ideas. I wasn't used to having my cognitive biases being thrust to my attention so blatantly, at least not without knowing some way to compensate for them... but since this particular bias seemed to be helping me more than harming me, I was willing to let it slide. Which, of course, could easily be the bias thinking rather than an actual rational analysis, but it was still the best idea I had.

And then, on the day I was planning on going back to Ponyville - the informational spider-web I'd woven through Equestria twanged. I got a message from Hoofington, that there had been an attack by diamond dogs attempting to enslave ponies - an attack that had been foiled by a very un-pony-like creature. I was going to have to investigate it personally, if I wanted to find out if another game-piece was making themself known. It looked like I'd be limited to exchanging letters with Cheerilee for a while longer yet...

Comments

[Salacar]

Suddenly, romance.

... I am not opposed to this

Also, what piece are you refering to? There's too many of them these days for me to make all of the connections

[DataPacRat]

891142
Other than the song spurring the idea, I'm trying to make this romance as un-sudden as possible - but we'll see how things progress.

The crossover is from a story you've commented on, if that narrows it down. For a more concrete hint, without spoiling things for readers who don't want to be spoiled, here's something in rot13: N Znegl Fgh vainqrf gur Zhygvirefr.

[Salacar]

891195

But.. I comment on so many stories!

[JadeCriminal]

In lue of repeating my previous comment I was just gonna put up some CMC smiley's but then I realized there is only scootaloo...

And then I realized ther are actually CMC smileys but applebloom is crying...

In stead have a pic:
fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2011/335/f/6/the_cutie_mark_crusaders_by_macflash2-d4hs13s.png

[Themaskedferret]

891195 Damn now I really wanna know XD Curse you and your awesome referencing!

[Thethhron]

"Like Lady Austin and the stableboy in that novel we found under Twilight's pill- oh."
I REALLY hope you aren't setting Big Mac and Twilight up. That matchup bothers me SO MUCH.