Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat

Now Just Sit Right Back

At least some of the local canines were enough like diamond dogs to consider gemstones to be snacks; and, like in Equestria, they were a lot more abundant than they were on Earth. So we were able to pick up a good bunch of them from the green-purple village; enough, at least, that I could put together enough 'translation wands' to outfit my inner circle of Red, Blanche, and Micro. (Amethyst was part of that circle, but tended not to speak much, and didn't want one.) This meant that I didn't have to be the main translator for all our dealings with the locals, outside of the small phrasebooks we'd put together so far. So, when we hit the next village (thankfully not split in half), we were able to split up and investigate four different things at the same time.

With our partners to watch their backs, Red went to talk to some of the local boaters and fishermen, Micro wandered in search of a herbalist or apothecary, Blanche flew around looking for anything resembling a school or teacher... and I went hunting for a tale-teller, with Stoke Red. Red put Amethyst in charge of the Mikoyan while she was off-ship, and we cracked a few jokes about, "If she actually had to give an order - how could anypony tell?".

This village had a bunch of longhouses; but it also had some smaller buildings for dedicated purposes - including, upon investigation, a bar. Or maybe I should call it a tavern, or restaurant. When Stoke and I entered, a good-sized bear male who seemed to be in charge of the place growled at him, 'Leave your livestock outside.'

"Don't worry," I piped up, "I'm no more likely to mess up your floors than any other customer. Maybe even be less likely, depending on how drunk they usually get."

The bear looked up and down at me, grunted, then went back to what seemed to be the inter-universal standardized activity for anyone in his profession, wiping tankards with a rag of unknowable cleanliness. I carefully did not look in the back corners to see if there were any dubious patrons lurking in the shadows, waiting with rumors of adventure waiting to be had - I had my own mission already underway, and didn't feel like letting the local narrativium invoke any sidequests on me.

I wandered over to him so we didn't have to speak so loudly. "I'm wondering," I said, "if you can recommend the best tale-teller in the area - stories, legends, eddas, sagas, histories, that sort of thing."

'Wanna listen to something while you drink?' he asked, a bit pointedly.

"Something like that. I've got around a dozen crew I can give shoreleave to in shifts, to come here and spend their pay however they want - or we can be on our way to the next town. The better the things I get to listen to, the longer we'll stay," I pointed out to him.

"Mm. Come back in a quarter of an hour, I'll have Old Gunnar here."

---

"So what do you want to hear about?" the grey-muzzled bear asked, then took a sip of the first of the drinks I was buying for him. In the background, the Musketeers and Armina were at a table, enjoying the local food and drink, while Stoke had a milk and I had a mug of tea.

"Treasures," I answered. "Magic objects, lost and found. Artifacts of power, their making and destruction."

'Aye,' he said, 'I know of a few such. The falcon-feathered cloak of The Lady, plus her Glowing-Ornament. The shoes of the Wide One. The Careful One's Gift and The Dripper, both rings which make new gold. The chain The Open One, the cauldron Fire-Sooty, the shield Coolness, the spear Swayer, Greed's-Want, Power-Belt and Iron-Gripper and Crusher, a dozen swords...'

"How many of those do you know the fates of?"

'Yer a strange beast, aren't you? Planning on going out for some treasure hunting?'

"Let's just say that I'm looking for a certain something which was lost, and am collecting every hint I can. Including from old tale-tellers from random villages I pass through."

'Hunh. Well, that only makes you the third-strangest one to pass through here in the last year.'

"Dare I ask about the top two?"

'There was a pony, one-eyed, with a broad-brimmed hat and a cloak, who put on the best impersonation of the Rager that I've seen in all my years - acting mysterious and knowledgeable, as if he really was the real one walking the earth. He did spin the old stories especially well, and made himself a decent collection of coins thereby; even I learned a few tricks and fillips to add to the stories from him.'

"How'd you know he wasn't the real one?"

'Are you daft? What'd the real Rager be doing in so small and unimportant place as this?'

"Who was the other one?"

'Ah, now that was a bad business all around. I'd call it a beast, except that it talked. Sort of - pony-talk, not real speech, save a few words. Big as a small giant, tan-furred, four paws, wings, a tail with a poison sting, and a great shaggy red mane. Wanted to know where all the monsters and evil folk around here were, so it could try killing 'em. Couple of the boys, Hrothgar and Sigur, set it on each other, and sure enough, it killed 'em both, rest their souls. We didn't want it anywhere near after that, so we talked up the Sleeper in the City, and he flew off to kill him. Either one of 'em kills the other, we're probably better off for it.'

"Did it give a name?"

'Not so I heard.'

"I'll keep a weather-eye out for it, then. But for the moment..."

'Ah, yes, yer treasure-hunt. Let's see - the Lady keeps loaning out her things to her family for their adventures, but in all the tales I know, she gets them back at the end, so unless you plan on dying in battle and joining her, your not likely to be using her cloak to turn yerself into a falcon. The Wide One's gonna need his shoes in the final battle, so he probably keeps a good eye on 'em. The Open One is keeping the Fen-Dweller tied up until the Wide One breaks his jaw, and nobody wants that monster loose. Fire-Sooty is up in Hall of the Slain, where Sooty cooks up Sooty-Boar every day. I doubt the Thunderer would let you have his things, even if you asked nicely - and the Rager's too smart to let you have his spear, since he'll be needing it against the Fen-Dweller, too. The Rager, explaining the worlds while in disguise, said that Coolness stands between us and the sun, shielding all from its glare, and the whole world would be aflame if it were moved. The Careful One's Gift, hm, that was Armor-Battle's wedding gift, but she was a princess of Thule, and none have found that land in many a generation. The Dripper was given to Fenced-In, which is the last I know of mention of it, though she had a son, Multiplier, who drowned in a vat of mead; his son, Waving One, was lured into a stone and never seen again; his son was hag-ridden to death, his son was burned to death by two of his sons; his son-'

I cleared my throat.

'Yes. Well - the Fair-Hair Dynasty never did have the best of luck, and if they had the wealth the Dripper made, there wasn't any sign of it. The Thunderer used Greed's-Want to kill some giants in a cave, and as far as I know, is never mentioned in any other tale - it could be anywhere. As for swords... Angurvadal is probably with the descendants of Frithjof in Ringerike... Dead's-Legacy is still part of the Battle of Heodenings, which will continue until the world ends... Man-Head is held by the Illuminator, who guards the Shimmering Bridge and unlikely to give it up... Damage-Twig is probably with The Dripper... Mistletoe is likely in Thule, assuming the land still exists at all... Quern-biter - ah, I know that is held by High-Son the Good, far in the east. Tyrfing, which must kill every time it is drawn, was used in the battle Hloethskvitha half a millennium ago, in Pannonia, and I know not of a tale of it since. Skrofnung was buried with Famous Wolf, dug up, and eventually buried with the fellow named Sword. Wrath and Ridill were used to kill Fraenir, and then they were discarded in favor of Hrotti...'

I had been trying to jot down notes as Old Gunnar tossed off reference after reference, but I'd been losing ground, and by the time he started on the swords, I'd simply given up on that. "A moment," I finally interrupted him. "The name 'Fraenir' interests me. A green dragon, was he not?"

'Aye, he was. The greediest who ever lived, so much so that he took all the gold he could, even that which bore the curse that led to his death.'

"I have heard someone suggest that Fraenir's death, just in time to pass on the treasure, was... what was the word... 'convenient'. And that he might not be dead."

'Hm. Haven't heard that version of the story. I suppose it's not impossible Fraenir let his killers think they killed him, and snuck off while they were plundering his horde - don't think I recall any word about new green dragons showing up around that time, so he'd probably have had to leave the whole continent, or find somewhere to nap for a few centuries. So - have you gotten word that he's back and sniffing around for gold again?'

"Nothing quite so concrete, just more hints. Pieces to a puzzle I'm still trying to assemble. Like, say, Coolness - was it possible the Rager was being metaphorical in its description? Over in the pony lands, there is a pony-type being who says she moves the sun - maybe Coolness was used to protect against her?" I was thinking of what I'd learned so far of Scutum, the Star Shield.

Gunnar took a deep gulp. 'Now you're getting philosophical, and at that, I'm no better than any other bear. The poem says,' and his words were,

"Svalinn heitir.
Hann stendr sólu fyrir,
skjöldr, skínanda goði.
Björg ok brim,
ek veit, at brenna skulu,
ef hann fellr í frá."

which the translation spell interpreted for me as,

'Coolness, it's named.
It stands before the sun,
shield, shining deity.
Rocks and surf,
I know, shall be burnt,
if it fell from its place.'

"Hm," I hmed. "Not much of a rhyme to it, is there?"

'You want rhymes, I've got rhymes. You want poems about artifacts, I've got those. You want both at once, you'll have to go find another tale-spinner.'

"I didn't mean it like that - I'm still interested in hearing about, say, Thule, which you've mentioned a few times."

'Not much that can be said about that place. A few centuries past, a few clever people found a way through the treacherous winds and currents to find an island of incredibly fertile soil, started farming it and raising cattle there - no offense-'

"None taken."

"-and after a while, we stopped getting any ships from there, and anyone who went looking, either didn't find it, or never came back. Since the ones who did come back usually were almost torn to shreds from the storms, most everyone thinks that the ones who didn't return, sank. But there's enough tales about how rich the land was that there's always a few raiders with a map of a guaranteed route there, instead of the surer profits that can be made by sailing west. You've been a good listener - I hope that you're not one of those who're going to lose their ship and crewmates looking for the place."

"I haven't decided - if the risk's as big as you say, then I've got important other things to do. By the way, have you had a chance to look at my ship?"

'Nah, I came straight here when I got the message you'd be buying drinks. Why do ye ask?'

"There's a certain minor little detail about it which, if I do decide to look for Thule, might give me a certain advantage over previous attempts..."

'What might that be? Some sort of special storm-worthy sail rig, maybe?'

"I'm not as good at telling tales as you - so I doubt you'd believe me if I just told you. How about we head to the door and you can just look over at the harbor to see for yourself?"

'Seems a bit of trouble, but sure. ... Okay, what am I supposed to be looking at? I don't see any ships but our own.'

"Look... higher."

'What are you talking aboh by the Thunderer you've got a flying ship. That has to beat out even Frithiof's Ellida. I don't suppose you can fold it up and put it into your pocket?'

"Never tried, but I've got no particular reason to think I could."

'Oh, good - if you could do that, then I wouldn't be able to die without getting myself aboard first. Now I only have to sell everything I own, if I need to, to get me and my grandson aboard.'

"Any reason you want to go up so badly?"

'I've been telling my stories for years, for drinks. If something like this is going on, this is my first real chance to be in one, and having every other tale-spinner talking about me for all the generations to come, that's worth more than anything I can think of.'

"You've been reasonably helpful and polite so far. If Captain Red agrees, I don't have an objection to letting you aboard for a stop or two, as long as you stay within the rules. It'll give me more time to pick your brain for your stories."

'I'll just go get Sigurthur and be back before you can sing! Don't leave without me!"

---

"I'm sorry, Gunnar, but I caught Sigurthur red-handed going through my luggage and pocketing things. Captain Red has every right to insist that he not be allowed to stay aboard. Does he have some other family he can stay with?"

'Och, no. He's mine, and I'm his, and we're each others, at least as long as I last. I suppose I can make a new tale about this, something about the conflict between duty to family and drive to adventure, and what happens when one wins o'er the other.'

"Cheer up - maybe the Mikoyan is about to crash, and by getting off now, your grandson is saving your lives."

'It's a nice thought, and I thank ye for it. I'll try putting that in the story too, at least until someone hears about what really does happen to you.'

Comments

[Djerid]

im liking these new chapters. im not sure what has changed but ive noticed a marked difference in quality. if it is deliberate, keep it up, im enjoying it.

[Paladin Redflare]

Wtf, can this story somehow be good, I would not like to be a cow... nooooo way. IF THIS STORY IS RLY FUNNY, AND STUFF, I MAY READ IT... OTHERWISE, Fuck that noise, i'm outtie.

[DataPacRat]

Holy Haleakala, we made it into the feature box.

Absolutely last place in the feature box, but still:

[RealityDowngrade]

Congrats on getting Feature Boxed! Liking this story arc too. X)

[Horatiojones]

the man named Sword
The MAN named Sword!

Also, Congrats

[DataPacRat]

1313102
Good point; I didn't intend for the mental translation of the local tongue to imply humanity, just maleish personness, so I've swapped in the word 'fellow'.

[Destructorspace]

1312909
It's hilarious, and the fact that quite a few people are still reading it 244k words in, and 98 chapters later, is probably a good sign. On the other hand, your comment gives the impression of impatience. So good luck, and I doubt I'll be seeing you again. Prove me wrong.

[Caboc]

Now just sit right back and I'll tell you a tale
a tale of a fateful trip
that started out in stalliongrad aboard the mayors ship.
The new captain was a former con,
the passenger a cow.
The ship vanished on the way to Fillydelphia
(I'm sure you can guess how).

Their adventures started getting rough
through dragons and battlefields.
If not for the courage of its fearless crew
they'd all have gotten killed.

The ship soon left Equestria to uncharted lands and isles.

With the captain!
And Missy too!
The seapony (What?)
and Blanche.
The diamond dogs,

and the rest! Here on the Mikoyan! (...Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me.)

Nice chapter, would have been nice to have a more detailed summary on the various people who are creating/distributing these artifacts but it's kind of refreshing to see that there's more than one artifact of power around here and that their properties aren't in common knowledge.

As a side note: Looking back on your previous mentioning of the existance of non-intelligent cows, I was reminded of iodine deficiency. Namely, that iodine in a trace element needed for proper neurological health and a deficiency of it can result in mental retardation (in the medical sense). There are large parts of the world without ready access to iodine in the diet while its quite common in first-world nations due to iodised salt.

To me, this implies that the cows outside of Equestrias boarders are intelligent (or at least have the potential to become intelligent) and their current state is more a result of a dietary deficiency than any sort of natural difference in their physiology. Not sure how much magical energy a cow would need to have supplemented to promote proper brain growth or what sort of delivery system would need to be put in place to provide that... or if rational agents would even want to go through the trouble of letting cows reach that level of intelligence (I'm reminded of Harry in Methods of Rationality mentioning that House Elves were obviously magical creations and that whatever wizard made them was obviously evil for making a slave race... but there's nothing Harry could do about it so he ignores the problem).

I'm sure any attempts to better the lots of cows in this universe would meet resistance, both from those inside Equestria who don't like the idea of spending resources on foreign cows and those outside who want access to beef that doesn't talk. I suppose if cattle set up migratory routes that brought them within Equestrais boarders (timed so that they raise their calves in Equestria so they gain intelligence) it could be useful to unicorns, providing a cheap 'trade route' where the cattle migrate so long as the cattle also carry stuff.

Of course, it is funny that cows lose intelligence outside Equestria while bears seem to lose it inside, probably some kind of brain chemistry thing that relies on magic. Too little for some and too much for others causes problems.

[Tay the Chemist]

Just noticed now that you've passed Griffin the Griffin in the number of published chapters in your story. I think. I suppose that's due to your frequent updates.

[Salacar]

Just two more until 100 chapters, PacRat. Allons-y!

[Paladin Redflare]

1313330 I FUCKIN' WAIT LIKE 3 WEEKS FOR EACH MY LITTLE WESKER CHAPTER! I GO 40 CHAPTERS INTO DISPLACEMENT AND ALL THE ROMANCE THAT HAPPENS IS SLEEPING IN BED TOGETHER WHILE HOLDING EACHOTHER!! I GO AND READ A DIFFERENT VIEWPOINT OF EQUESTRIA WHICH HAS LIKE 8000-10000 WORD CHAPTERS AND THAT'S AT LIKE 28 CHAPTERS NOW!!! Sorry for the caps.
My only problem other than cows, is the author's profile pic.... it's annoying as fuck to look at.

[DataPacRat]

1314384
Re song: <giggles>
Re brain magi-chemistry: You seem to have been using the same sorts of references I've been skimming for inspiration, and I'm quite willing to steal your explanation of the ideas on the background to use as canon. As for migratory cows, well, we're just going to have to see, aren't we?

1315432
Chapters are easy - wordcount is harder, even when inflated with lyrics, poems, and creeds. At my current rate, it'll take me a month just to catch up to where he is now, by which time he'll have written more...

1315652
If you really don't like it, don't forget that Adblock allows custom block-lists, and the picture's URL is static.

[Caboc]

1315737

Well that's theory 1 and it relies on the theory that magic is a finite resource. If Equstria is a 'magic rich' area and other areas of the world have less ambiant magic in them then one could theorise that cows and other races gain intelligence due to the magic rich area (the "magic is like iodine" theory).

However, unicorns and other magical races don't seem to suffer outside of Equestrias ambient magical field. If magic is similar to iodine (as a dietary element necessary for sapience in the proper amount) then one would expect unicorns and other creatures to have varying degrees of intelligence in regard to their position inside or outside of Equestrias boarders (no conclusive evidence of that, though I suppose an elitist might see the relatively low challange demonstrated in these islands of proof of the superiority of Equestrian inhabitants).

Or if magic is similar to say... sugar in that it is a source of energy. Cows outside equestria would be like people without access to sugary foods like fruit or the like, they grow up decently but lack the calories for alot of brain function. Meanwhile bears might be just fine in a low sugar/magic environ but get overloaded within equestria. However, if unicorns are 'burning' sugar/magic when they cast spells then you'd expect unicorns inside equestra to suddenly feel drained once they leave that high energy environment. Unicorns outside equestria would likely seem weaker than the ones inside and similar effects could be seen on machines or other animals that rely on magic and aren't somehow storing energy gathered from equestria.

The third theory is that magic isn't necessarily bound to the laws of thermodynamics and can be created and destroyed (or at least isn't welling up exclusively around ley lines and needing to be transferred around from there). This theory is that Equestria itself is under a sort of "equines are the dominant species" spell. Ponies living in equestrias boarders get some kind of bonus or protection from this magic that makes them better suited to living there than outside Equestrias boarders. Cows are similar enough to ponies that the magic registers them as equine and thus gives them magical boosts... it could well be that cows are not 'naturally' intelligent and its only when exposed to Equestrias influence that they become relatively intelligent creatures. Its not that cows require magic to feed their brains, just that the magical field around Equestria alters them to have bigger brains.

If that's the case then the magic around Equestria could have a similarly detrimental effect on other creatures like bears. Bears outside are intelligent because they are intelligent naturally, its just once they enter the "equines are the dominant species" field then the magic knocks them down a few pegs. The diamond dogs outside of Equestria could be quite smart, but ones born in Equestria get dumbed down. Dragons could be an exception because they are highly magical creatures (or they just don't bear their young inside Equestrian boarders and Spike is getting hit with that "ponies first" magic).

If the theory about any sort of magic being needed for cattle growth is true then boosting the intelligence of cattle outside Equestria would likely require pooling together lots of magical energy and using it to boost cows. Maybe find points on the ley lines with magical readings similar to Equestria and then encourage the non-intelligent cattle to stay there. Like set up ranches and wait a generation to see if the calves become smarter.

But if the magical field surrounding Equestria is specifically targeting "children of the alicorn" to boost their intelligence or whatever. Then it might not be necessary to gather lots of magical energy, just isolate the particular 'flavor' of magic that has that effect. Basically, find out what spell Equestria has on it, and then find ways to cast it on cattle outside Equestria. Either make things like jewelry and put it on them, occasionally zap them with "cow intelligence amplifying wands" ("bos intelligens"? Don't know enough latin to say "make cow intelligent"), or maybe something like infusing a bag of oats with Equestrian magic and then feed it to cattle outside as a dietary supplement. I'm sure if you could somehow isolate the magic that make Equestria what it is and then export things with that magic you could sell it ("All our jewels have a bit of Equestria in them!").

Or, if you're a supervillain, you could either try amplifying the Equestrian field so that it encompasses the entire planet (effectively making Ponies the dominant species everywhere and dooming almost every other race to degenerate into animals) or you could find a way to alter Equestrias field yourself and do the opposite (like make diamond dog or dragons into the dominant race... or turn Equestria into a land of eternal night, a land of chaos, or one giant love-buffet).

So yeah, there are actually alot more theories on this phenomenon. Heck, it could even be that the Equestrian educational system is much more likely to teach cows than it treats bears. In other lands cows are considered meat animals and just aren't taught anything (like that one boy who was raised in a chicken coop and didn't learn to act like a human) while in Equestria they interact with ponies who treat them as intelligent (even if they are treated as less then ponies, at least they talk to them). While bears are treated with fear (ponies fled from Zecora who is basically a pony with stripes, imagine them running into an actual bear, even if it talked) eventually bears might not even bother acting intelligent because learning to read or talk doesn't help when the ponies avoid them on sight and they can survive and even thrive with just their natural strength. The bears in Equestria are basically like crazy mountain men who never bothered to read or speak english because they can survive just fine without civilization. The bears outside of it can speak and do stuff because there are so many bears that the ones who try being dumb animals get out-competed by the ones who act like smart animals and work together and build things. Magic might not even need to be a part of the equation (and I kind of like this explanation because the obvious solution is "learn to treat everyone with respect" instead of just finding the right sort of Phlebotinum to apply).

Heh, its things like this that make me love My Little Pony. In a land of sonic rainbooms and princesses that raise the sun and moon, trying to make theories that explain everything is so much fun.

[DataPacRat]

1316741
There's one further set of data which would likely have an impact on which of those theories are more likely: according to Celestia, cows within Equestria act as filters, taking in the raw magic, from its 'natural' state of some spots erupting with it and other spots having nearly none, and spreading it evenly across the whole land. The hard, horny parts of Children of the Alicorn, including hooves and horns, seem to be the best magical 'antennas', allowing most of them to use their hooves for manipulation, and unicorns to cast spells; but for whatever as-yet-unknown reason, the magical-filtering process seems to be closely tied to cows' minds, perhaps because their two horns run a magical charge right next to and/or through their brains. (Insert joke about 'in one ear and out the other' here.)

('Let this cow be intelligent' would be, approximately, "Sit haec vacca esse intelligens." 'Bos' translates more closely to 'ox', while 'vacca' is 'cow' - and 'taurus' is 'bull', 'bubulus' is 'bovine', 'pecorum' is 'cattle'; all of which could have an impact on the spell. Imagine arranging matters so that just one gender of the local bovine species ends up being sentient.)

The 'wild man' theory is interesting, but does rub up against one piece of real-world evidence - in at least one known instance, some humans who were not taught a language, but grew up amongst other humans in similar circumstances, ended up creating their own tongue and socializing anyway. (I refer to a certain deaf community.) So if Equestrians use a similar basis for intelligence as real-world humans do, and cows tend to herd together, then the fact that extra-equestrian cows don't manage even that much would seem to imply that they really are sub-sentient, rather than just unsocialized.

(And, now that I'm back from my inspirational urban hike, I've got today's chapter mostly planned out, and am now sitting down to start writing it.)

[nemryn]

Lots of Norse influence here; I approve.

(Coolness sounds more like a pair of sunglasses than anything else, though.)