Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat

Doctor Missy and the World's Heart

The reason humans wore so little clothes in the hot jungle, as opposed to the all-covering robes of the desert, was supposedly so their sweat could evaporate better. As a cow, I didn't really sweat, so I had no such reason not to wear whatever clothing I chose. Which was why I had no objection to wearing my Rarity-designed walking outfit, if for no other reason than to help keep the bugs off.

I had no good excuse for why I chose to accessorize it with a fedora and leather jacket. Though for practicality I'd gone for a coil of rope instead of a bullwhip.

"What's that you're humming?", Red asked.

"Oh, nothing."

I mean, come on - I was following a map on an ancient legendary artifact to a mysterious location in an unknown jungle, in a universe where music had measurable physical effects. How could I not dress the part?

"So what do you think we're going to find here? Pirates? Treasure? Pirate treasure?"

"To be honest, before the Alicorn hit that wall, or whatever it is - I was pretty much expecting not to find anything at all. Maybe the place where there used to be a ley-line nexus, a thousand years ago."

"Well, that doesn't sound like fun. Why'd you bother coming at all, then?"

"In case I was wrong. Which it seems I was."

---

The tops of the trees formed a fairly thick canopy, and there was a second such canopy further down, which meant that not much sunlight trickled down to ground-level (just rain), which meant that there wasn't all that much brush blocking our path. It was still a lush, green paradise, but it was fairly easy to pick a direction and find a way to go there. We picked inward.

A flock of parrots flew overhead, chattering amongst themselves, being chased by a mini drake looking for an easy meal. I hopped over a trickle of a stream, causing a white, sharp-horned, deer-like creature downstream of me to lift its head and stare at us. A manticore cub was using a tree as a scratching post.

"Alpha One!" I whisper-shouted to Red behind me. We both froze in our hooves.

Outside of my recent bout of monomania, I'd been picking up every lesson I could from Safe Guard, which was more than just the physical exercises. One of his pieces of advice was to have a set of tactical plans that everypony in your group knew about, and a set of easily-remembered, easily-distinguished code words to implement them - and if too many people ever heard those code-words and saw what actions they described, to change the whole system every so often. For this expedition, I'd chosen the phonetic alphabet, and a reasonably simple set of plans. "Alpha" meant to hold still. Plan "Bravo" was to talk, "Charlie" to run, "Delta" to hide, and it wasn't until we got to "Echo" that we even got to using force, in the form of the hopefully non-lethal deterrent of our pepper spray. The next few letters were the scant few martial maneuvers that I'd learned from Safe Guard that I thought we actually had a chance of pulling off in the heat of a moment - mainly horns, hooves, and bullets. Most of the alphabet was unused - right up to "Zulu", which meant that I was going to try my mysterious (and costly) ability to occasionally accomplish six impossible things before breakfast. The numbers were for direction, using a modified version of the clock system - three, six, nine, and twelve were the standard right, behind, left, and forward; the numbers before were 'high' and the numbers after 'low'. So 'Alpha One' meant 'hold still, something's ahead of us down low'.

In this case, that 'something' was a predator quite capable of poisoning and eating both Red and myself, and to whom we had no real difference from that white deer-thing which was now bounding away further downstream. While Red could simply fly up and out of reach, I had to haul my side-of-beef carcass on the ground, and I was pretty sure that the feline-based manticores could run faster than I could.

I hissed to Red, "That's just a cub - the mother may be near. I'd like you to head up and look around - and stay out of reach. I'll Alpha here unless something moves."

The pegasus nodded, spread her wings, and fluttered up and around the trees, looking not too different from any other jungle bird. I watched the cub start playing with a loose piece of bark, tossing it into the air. Finally, Red came back - she didn't land or hover, quite, but a bit of both, pushing all four hooves against the side of a tree and keeping herself aloft by continuing to flap. "Momma-core's on your Three," she said."

"Then I'll circle around the other way. No reason to get involved with either."

I turned to my left, to leave the predator to its life. Unfortunately, it saw me moving, and let its inanimate prey fall to the ground, bounding in my direction instead.

From what I'd read, even in an immature specimen, that scorpion's tail was something to fear and respect. Not to mention the claws and teeth, of course. I could have simply unfolded Chekov and put a bullet in its skull - but I had no particular enmity for the thing. So, instead, I unfolded the pepper-spray, and squeezed off a stream a bit to the side rather than straight at the manticore.

The rain dripping from the treetops washed it out of the air almost as soon as I eased up on the squeeze-pump.

I sighed, and with a murmur of "Sorry, kiddo," aimed a stream right at the cub.

It came to a four-point halt - and sneezed. And sneezed again. It gave me what I could have sworn was a dirty look; and then, as if it were a housecat, turned away from me to start sharpening its claws on a nearby tree, as if that was what it had been planning on doing all along.

As Red and I cleared the area, I said to her, "I'd like you to keep doing top-cover for a while - there may be more. Lemme know if you see anything, or need a break, or anything, okay?"

"Roger-doger, watcher!"

---

We managed to remain blissfully predator-free after that. Red called out a few questionable shadows, which we avoided, and I decided to avoid some rather awful-smelling rodent-like creatures of my own accord.

Unfortunately, our system fell completely flat when a half dozen or so shrubberies in front of me stood up, revealing long muzzles, four legs, and bodies of wood: a pack of timber wolves. I was pretty sure that pepper spray wouldn't have any effect on them - I didn't even know if they had a sense of smell. And while I practiced with Chekov regularly, I had no illusions that my marksmanship skills would be good enough to stop all of them before the survivors turned me into mulch. I didn't even know whether they had any vital areas to target, let alone what they'd be.

I turned my head to see behind me, so I could start backing away from the group - when another half-dozen of the plants behind me also stood up. So much for plan Charlie.

In most situations, the most rational thing you can do is be as pessimistic as possible, to try to arrange your expectations so that the actual events that come to pass are better than you expect half the time, and worse half the time. This is really hard to do, for a number of psychological reasons.

At the moment, however, it was extraordinarily easy to predict several worst-case scenarios, which could be sorted between 'steak dinner' and 'ground beef'. So, for this one particular instance, I had to make the effort to try to come up with a set of predictions that were better than I was currently expecting.

I called out, "We come in peace!", just in case these timber wolves happened to be somebody's pets - or, like me, were a talking version of a sometimes non-talking species. Possibly not the best choice, as my mind immediately followed it up with the thought, 'It's life, Jim, but not as we know it / It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim / We come in peace, shoot to kill, Scotty beam me up!." Still, it took less than a half-second to say, and I was still looking for other options. I lifted my head to make sure Red was still well out of range of a good leap... and, that confirmed, when I lowered my head, all the timber wolves I could see were staring right at me. No, wait; I grabbed my glasses to clean them on my shirt, and when I put them back on - they were staring right at the same spot on me, my vulnerable throat.

... or, perhaps, at the necklace I was wearing there.

Hm.

"Take me to your leader?", I essayed.

The wolves actually looked at each other. And, wonder of wonders - all but the one directly in front of me turned away and wandered off. The last one bowed its head slightly, so I bowed mine in return. It stood, turned away from me - and looked back over its shoulder, then gave a jerk of its head. If these things weren't people, they were doing a good imitation, whether or not they could talk.

I looked behind me - it would be quite easy to head back to the Alicorn, and leave all this behind. But then - I'd never know.

I started following the timber wolf. I called up to Red, "Pulse the ship - let 'em know what's happened so far." She got busy with the radio-box hanging around her neck, almost flying into trees a few times as she did.

In short order, the canine-shaped plant brought us to a near-solid wall of vines and thorns, the top taller than I could reach even on my hindlegs. Then, in what would be called a cheesy special effect if it were filmed, those vines shifted, opening a nice, cow-sized tunnel. The timber wolf sat down just to the side of the entrance, looking back at me.

I heard a voice, though my ears didn't register any sounds.

Only the worthy may enter.

I stuck a hoof in my ear and scratched - if this was telepathy, it was an itchy sensation.

Give a wrong answer to my riddle and you will be proven unworthy. A charging boar is about to attack your loved one, or an infant. Which would you save?

I looked up at Red. "Did you hear any of that?"

"Any of what?" Naturally.

I turned my attention back to the waiting timber wolf, and took a step toward it. I thought about what I'd just been told and asked... and had a minor epiphany.

I kept walking to the timber wolf - and walked right past it, into the tunnel.

What? Hey, wait, get back here!

Without turning or stopping, I called back, "I can't have given a wrong answer, since I didn't give any answer at all!"

The rather unique sensation of someone else's mental sputtering led me to chuckle a bit.

In a few moments, I passed through the tunnel, and was able to see what was on the other side: a tree the size of a skyscraper. The roots alone stretched for a few miles. I allowed myself a few moments of wondering why I hadn't been able to see it until now, before reluctantly filing the unknown answer under the otherwise-useless label of 'magic'.

Red's voice came through the tunnel, "You okay in there?"

"So far so good!"

A somewhat different mental voice said, You may have... uh, solved the first test, but she has not, and must not enter.

"They're saying don't come after me."

"They who?"

"The wolves, I think." For a second timber wolf - or maybe it was one of the ones from the first group, I couldn't tell - was coming around a curve of one of the roots.

It dropped something onto in front of me - before I could squint to try to figure out what it was, I was told, This is a seed. Take it. Plant it in a pot. Tend it. In a year, come back and show the fruit, so that we know your true character.

I tilted my head a bit, before saying, "Maybe I can save a bit of time... if that's a dud seed that's not going to grow, I'd still bring back the pot without anything growing in it."

I got a disgusted look from the plant. Well, so much for that test. I got a mental sigh, and it waved a paw in the direction of the tree.

In short order, I was at a fork in the path, with a smug wolf sitting at the crossroads. One of these paths leads to the center - while the other leads to certain doom. You may ask-

"Really? Right in the middle of this spot, where there's so many of you wandering around, you have a path that leads to 'certain doom'?"

Well-

"Don't you lose a lot of timber wolves who make a wrong turn?"

That is-

"What is the point? What does all that achieve?"

I-

"Wouldn't it be simpler if I just gave you a mule-kick to send you down one path, and listen to see if you end up suffering some sort of doom?"

A new voice came from one side, "Please do not abuse my Forest Guardians too harshly, Bearer." I took note of that last word. The voice was female, the tone of gentle, amused laughter. In a few moments, coming from down one of the paths appeared an alicorn - or something like one. Her coat was the brown of bark, blending smoothly into armor made of actual wood, decorated with spheres of amber. Her mane flowed like Celestia's, but was the green of the canopy, with flashing specks of light as if the sun was being seen through breeze-blown leaves. She continued, "It has been some time since they have been able to play their traditional games with a mortal visitor." Her eyes were cat-slitted - I wasn't sure whether I was facing a being equivalent to Celestia or Luna, or to Nightmare Moon, or of some other order entirely.

"Perhaps," I said, cautiously, "I get a bit tetchy when threatened with certain doom."

"'Certain doom'? Hardy Laurel, is that really what you said?"

The timber wolf in question lowered its head all the way to the ground, and covered its muzzle with its paws. Yes, Goddess.

She sighed. "I apologize, Bearer - there was no doom, only a return to outside. I merely asked them to delay you a bit while I finished what I was doing."

"So if I had answered the first riddle incorrectly...?"

"Then Sheltering Rosebush would have tried to keep you out - but if your business were important, you would have found your way in, regardless."

My forehead wrinkled, and I frowned. "I can't say that I approve. There's a lot of opportunity for people to get hurt."

"I do not seek your approval, Bearer."

I reluctantly nodded. "I suppose you don't. I've gotten used to dealing with people who cause harm out of sheer lack of understanding, rather than knowing that it's a cost of whatever else they're trying to accomplish."

There was a short silence, as we looked at each other, and as at least I tried to figure out what to say next.

She spoke first. "Why have you come?"

"Curiosity, mainly - to learn whatever I can."

"You could have saved yourself much time and effort by inquiring of Celestia, rather than journeying to here."

"I didn't know that Celestia knew of this place?"

An arched brow. "She did not tell you where the World Tree grows?" At my shaken head, she asked, "Then how did you know to come here?"

I touched the globe-like gem on the front of my necklace with my hoof. "This," I said, and fumbled for a good explanation, "showed me that something was here - and hints I gathered elsewhere suggested that the something here might be... interesting."

She lowered her head to take a closer look at the necklace, and I lifted my chin to let her see it with the best light possible - and I tried to ignore how close her horn was to my throat. Softly, she said, "I have not seen any of the Elements of Harmony in a very long time... so long, that my memories of them are not as clear as they once were."

I tried to keep my voice calm as I tried to draw her forth, "Do you remember what the Elements were?"

"Of course - Truth and Love and Courage... and Hope and Laughter and Innocence... or was that Kindness?" She paused. "I suppose I do not remember them all, then. A pity."

"If it helps," I said, "The others are currently called Honesty and Laughter, Loyalty and Kindness, Generosity and Magic."

"And what is the modern term for your Element?"

"Er... I don't actually... know."

"Celestia did not tell you?"

"... It's complicated."

"I see. ... Walk with me, Bearer of the Unnamed Element of Harmony, and we shall talk."

Comments

[JadeCriminal]

982206

The HP fic isn't bad just the amusement factor dropped over time and got replaced by drama and 'look how clever rationalism is'. I admit I'm an unenlightened hedonist of average intelligence and that my clever better be suffused with humor or I'll just go read something lighter.

As for ponies and romance. Romance is sweet. I don't find clop exciting, I have read some that essentially are romance clop with good plot. (Pun not intended)

Your story isn't even close to clop so it wasn't really an objection just find it odd that sudden xenofilia wasn't mentioned in Missy's exceptionally self-aware mind.

Someone mentioned the concept of Cow doing Parkour... How much does Missy weigh? And could she really splatten (yes it is a word ) a manticore if she bounced off of one? Mass times speed concentrated into the surface of hoof....

[devas]

Bearer of the Unnamed Element of Harmony is best title.
Hands down, no contest, no questions asked.

[AppleTank]

986113
I find it hard to imagine a COW of all things running up the side of walls and doing flips. Can a cow slim themselves? Because generally, its better to have as little momentum as possible to help in making quick turns. I think.

[strangephantasm]

I am calling Missy the Wondercow from now on forever and ever.

[DataPacRat]

986113
Possible thought by Missy regarding xenophilia: "Look, self, I'm a cow, now. Even if I were to fall in love with another cow, some people would say I'm a xenophile because I think like a human - while most everyone else would think that, now, if I fell in love with a human, that would be xenophilia. The only way for me to avoid that label anymore is to not have any relationships at all - and I refuse to limit myself that way just because some third party might not approve."

986678
Regarding the whole parkour thing... I didn't have anything nearly that complicated in mind. That happened while a version of the Smile song was going on, and I was thinking of this moment... and imagining what would happen if a cow tried doing the same led to Missy's broken leg.

[JadeCriminal]

"... It's complicated."

(nice handling of guardians but the dud seed part was a bit... quick.)

[DataPacRat]

988696
Running roughshod and quickly over the 'trials', including the dud seed, was the main point I was going for with them.

[Forevermore]

Woohoo! You used my description of Terra !

[RealityDowngrade]

"I do not seek your approval, Bearer."
I reluctantly nodded. "I suppose you don't. I've gotten used to dealing with people who cause harm out of sheer lack of understanding, rather than knowing that it's a cost of whatever else they're trying to accomplish."
There was a short silence, as we looked at each other, and as at least I tried to figure out what to say next.
She spoke first. "Why have you come?"

Shutting up a goddess of the *erherm* good side.
i2.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/009/217/1912-so-much-win.jpg

[Thethhron]

You made reference to the Star Trekkin' song. I love you