Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat

Last Train to Ponyville

I pushed Marble's wheelchair through the railway works as she directed, until we ended up in front of what looked like a classic cartoon's caboose, the sort with a little tower-thing on the roof; only it was painted in blue and white instead of red. She could not see past the windows with their lowered, blue shades trimmed in heavy silver fringe, and the carved molding glinted softly with a hint of gilding, implying luxury and opulence. After cowhandling Marble's chair onto the little platform on one end, I could finally get a good look inside. Instead of just a few bunks, card table, and a cast-iron stove was opulence: polished fittings, gilded fixtures, blue velvet and satin; a bed-lounge, a fainting couch, overstuffed chairs, tables with damask tablecloths, thick carpet, mahogany book-cases, a sideboard full of food, a door leading discreetly to a small room, of which all I could see at the moment was tiles and a washbasin.

The ponies, and diamond dogs, I'd expected to see were all already there, along with their various pieces of booty, but I just looked at Marble. "This isn't... quite... what I was expecting."

"No?" She looked up at me, then wiggled her fins. "Ah - I see. You are aware that the current fashion for nobles to show off their wealth is acquiring private airships?" I nodded. "Perhaps two fads ago, the fashion was to have the most exquisite personal rail transport. This carriage belongs to Fancy Pants, and as he has not touched it in months, he was quite amenable to paying off a minor favor he owed me by allowing me to rent it from him."

"I suppose a bit of luxury beats the alternative. How much change did you bring back?"

She blinked. "I was supposed to bring some back?"

I facehoofed. So much for my planned budget.

---

As the carriage was pushed gently into line with the other cars of the Friendship Express to Ponyville, I was busy taking inventory. "Assorted Ursa Major bone shards, including one claw, check. Photo copy of mind-melting tome of forbidden arcane lore, sealed inside opaque envelope, check. Nobody read that one without my supervision - 'mind-melting' is a depressingly literal phrase, if you don't know the trick. Reloading kit for Chekov, check. Two pairs of CAT WHISKER boxes, check. Encryption-"

I was interrupted by a knock on the door toward the front of the train. As most of us glanced at each other and/or shrugged, Amethyst happened to be closest, so she shuffled over to open it, and peer down. A rarified voice said, "My mistress wishes to invite Fancy Pants to join her - are you a new employee?"

Marble called forward, "I'll handle it. Somebody roll me over?" Star Chaser pushed her chair through the carpet to the door, Amethyst going back to playing with the pups. She had a brief discussion with whoever was on our forward balcony, then closed the door with her tail. Turning her head, she said, "Slight problem. Baroness Kohl's private car is the one in front of us."

Red Pepper piped up, "A 'coal baroness'? Is that like a robber baron?"

Marble glared at her momentarily. "Kohl - as in the eye makeup. Leading scion of her family. Part of Blueblood's and my mother's clique. She just happens to be on her way to Ponyville. She thought Fancy Pants was in this car, and was going to invite him - but since it's me, now I'm invited, along with any of my guests, to join her in her carriage for an evening of politicking, backstabbing, and general nobility. Given my status as a near outcast from my family, I could refuse without doing any significant damage to what remains of my reputation..."

I sighed. "I sense a 'but' there. And I have a hunch what it might be."

Marble smiled ever-so-sweetly. "What are the odds that, on one of the first trains to leave Canterlot for Ponyville after news of your awakening arrives, that one of the most talented and powerful members of the anti-you faction just happens to be going to where you live, for an entirely innocent and unrelated purpose?"

I spocked an eyebrow. "Are you sure that you didn't just happen to mention this little trip to anypony?" She shook her head - and I didn't really have any way to get better evidence than that, at the moment. I turned my attention to Star Chaser. "Nor you?"

"I didn't know where I was going until I got here," she said. "But I'm glad to know where I fall on your trust scale."

"Remind me to tell you about LaPlace's sunrise formula, when we've got some time. In your case, trust still has to be earned, rather than being freely given." I turned my gaze to a window, as I thought. "I don't suppose we have a way of listening in on anything that goes on in Kohl's car?"

Marble answered, "Unlikely - there's far too much sensitive business that's discussed in such carriages, and far too many would-be eavesdroppers, to allow such a simple design flaw to go uncorrected on such an expensive vehicle. On the plus side, nopony is going to overhear us in here, as long as the doors are shut."

Red threw in, "So - we could simply hole up here until we get to Ponyville, and then... hope that their business has nothing to do with us? That doesn't sound like a very good plan."

Brick said, "So we want to learn things from this Baroness - and can only do so from inside her carriage. And Miss Marble Pillar has been invited to do just that. What's wrong with the obvious plan?"

I grimaced. "To put it simply - she's only on my side right now because, even in my reduced circumstances, she thinks I'm going to beat her mother's attempts to destroy me. If she ever thinks that she can arrange matters to ensure her mother's victory, without risk to herself, then, well, blood's thicker than water."

Blanche glared at Marble, flared her wings and growled. "I'll go with her - and if I hear them conspiring against you, I'll rip them both to shreds!"

Marble calmly said, "That might be a bit tricky with the hussar guards she brings with her everywhere she goes."

Before violence could break out, I cleared my throat. "If Marble goes - someone goes with her. Not Star - no offense, but you know my reasons. Not Amethyst - it would take forever to get a report out of her. Not you, Blanche - I know how much you love me," she preened at this, "the way you express that love is... can be over-enthusiastic, when subtlety is called for. If I went, that would likely upset the whole applecart right away. Red - you've been in my employ for some time now, and if this Kohl is after me, she's likely to recognize you, requiring all sorts of explanations. So, I guess, that leaves you, Brick. While I was away, were you proclaiming your association with me?"

"I don't think so," she said. "Mostly, I read a lot."

"Right. So Plan A is Marble and Brick go and find out whatever this Kohl mare knows about me. Let's see if we can quickly come up with a Plan B..."

---

"No, Brick, I'm not going to teach you how to make your own Chekov. You're free to try to figure it out on your own, by learning all the background knowledge required, in which case you'll perfectly understand why I won't just tell you. However." I tapped my chin. "I may have something here that will at least allow you a reasonable chance to defend yourself in a fight. From what I know of your magical talents - you're good at geology, and fundamental forces like ley lines, right?" She nodded. "Alright, let me just check my papers of forbidden knowledge here... right. It's actually a fairly simple spell, which is good, since that means you should be able to master it with just a little practice."

"What does it do?"

"Reverses the effects of gravity on the target, for a duration depending on how much power you pump into it."

She frowned. "So - what, I could escape by falling up to a ceiling?"

"Think more of casting it on something you really, really dislike... while you're outside."

"Oh. Oooh.. And - ew."

"I'm not sure if you'll be able to use this right away - but I don't think it'll hurt for you to look at it before you go with Marble."

Blanche piped up. "Ooh! Ooh! Can I get a new trick, too?"

I shook my head. "One, you're not a unicorn. Two, if I did teach you something, would you take advantage of whatever it was to force me to pay more attention to you?"

"...mmmmaaybe."

---

After Brick had pushed Marble's chair to the next car, Star Chaser came closer. "So. Forbidden magics, huh?"

I glanced up at her from the shell casings I was counting. "What about them?"

"Is there anything that would... you know... fix me?"

"In a sense. But I'm pretty sure I'm not going to let you use any of it."

"Why not?"

"Well - there's a good reason they're forbidden. The one spell which has the most detail written about it, which could change you back to male, does so by, well, merging some other living thing into your body, either melding them into an existing body-part or making them a new addition to it. It would allow you to regain your male parts - by turning somepony into them. Given our previous encounter, I don't think I'm ever going to give you that power over anypony else. Maybe, maybe, if somepony were mortally injured, and we had no other way to save their life, I might consider letting loose knowledge of such a spell - but I'd still have to think hard and weigh the pros and cons."

"Um - yeah, I suppose I can see that. I don't think I'd want it back if it really did have a mind of its own, anyway."

---

I was nursing the pups and reading a newspaper when Marble and Brick returned. As soon as the door closed behind them, Marble stated, "We have a problem. Or, at least," she stared at me, "you do."

I folded up the paper with a sigh. "Do tell."

"The Baroness is going to Ponyville to make your life as unpleasant as possible. She plans on starting by getting your marefriend fired."

My hooves somehow managed to crumple the paper, before I flattened it back out. "And other than... hurting me, and those around me, is there any purpose to that?"

"Quite. She wishes you to challenge her to a duel to get her to stop. She wasn't clear on what she expected out of that, just that you would no longer be a problem, even if the duel were a non-lethal one. Though she wouldn't mind if it went all the way to à outrance, either."

I frowned. If I let this Baroness get to Ponyville, then people I cared about would be harmed - and I'd have to try to come up with some way to get her to stop... possibly by doing exactly what she wanted. The first alternative I could think of was to keep her from getting started doing such harm, by giving her what she wanted right now. I racked my brain for a third option, but none of the plans that cropped up were any better - simply shooting her would lead to even more extreme problems; I wasn't sure if I still had access to BLUE WELL; I didn't know what she wanted me to stop doing so I would have great trouble trying to negotiate with her about it, even if it were something I was willing to negotiate over... and most of the more clever options I could think of had a fairly low chance of success.

"Alright," I said, "Go back, and tell her that I'll be willing to have sort of non-lethal sparring session with her, if she'll agree, before witnesses, to leave Ponyville alone - and its inhabitants, and whatever other clever ways to get around such a promise she might be thinking of. Maybe a pastry-level challenge." The corner of my mouth twitched. "And do feel free to imply that you have some sort of long-distance communications spell in here, and that I'm just teleporting in from afar to take care of this."

---

After a bit of back and forth, I stepped onto Fancy Pants' carriages' forward balcony, hopped over to the rear one on the Baroness's car, and entered. The interior was roughly the same, though the blues were replaced with purples, matching the two-toned mane of my new hostess.

"So you are the famous Doctor Missy," she said.

"I don't know about 'famous'. Baroness Kohl, I presume?" I glanced at some red-coated guards seated behind her, then at Marble and Brick seated in the corners on my end; all the furniture had been pushed to the sides, leaving as clear a space of thick carpeting in the middle as possible, given the size of the carriage.

"You presume much."

"It seems to be unavoidable in my line of work. I am also presuming that it is clear to you, and to all, why I am here."

"Yes, yes, you are rushing to the defense of the pony you claim to love. So very... noble of you." She spat out the word, her red, heavily-outlined eyes glaring at me, and I guessed it was a clue as to what this was all about - but I still didn't have enough evidence to push any one theory clearly ahead of the rest.

"Did you have a particular form of combat in mind?" If I was lucky, this could all be resolved by letting her beat up on me for a bit. After all, I didn't have to win to keep her from getting Cheerilee fired. Well, as long as she kept her word.

Her horn glowed, and a box hovered out from a side panel. The lid lifted, revealing a pair of iced cupcakes. "Given the limited space we have, one each seems to be sufficient. The icing is laced with a mild sedative, so that there can be no mistake about whether a strike connected or not."

I nodded. "And, to be clear - a single hit with a cupcake ends the fight?"

"This fight, yes. Standard rules for dueling with pastries."

Given that unicorns had telekinesis, and no other ponies - or cows - did, it was a little convenient that one of the standard modes of dueling involved tossing baked goods at each other, something much easier to do fancy tricks with when the tosser had a magical horn. But I could work with this. I stepped forward, carefully picked up one of the cupcakes with a hoof, and, three-legged, went back to my side of her carriage. The Baroness simply levitated hers over to her, and sent the box back.

We stared at each other for a long moment. Technically, we were supposed to start facing away, but there wasn't really room for that. So, to start us off, Brick said, "Begin."

Kohl's cupcake started orbiting her head, whirling around faster and faster.

I held up my own cupcake in my hoof, squinted a bit at her... and started swinging my hoof at my own face.

Kohl's eyes widened - but as I watched her, her dark-lined, red eyes glowed brighter... My breath froze in my lungs, and my vision tunneled out, until all I could see were her fiery red eyes glaring back at me...

... and then all was darkness.

---

(Author's Note: This chapter, and the next, are, with the author's permission, heavily inspired by Capn Chryssalid's story This Platinum Crown, a sequel to The Best Night Ever, both of which I highly recommend.)

Comments

[Forevermore]

Well that was unexpected, ponies duel with cupcakes ?

[DataPacRat]

1058972
Don't forget, in Appleoosa, they were planning on waging a war with pies.

If you're not actually engaging in a duel to the death, and you are under the rule of one or two Princesses who don't like their subjects to be hurt when it can be avoided... then does it really matter what form the contest between two disputants takes, whether it be blunted swords, a race around the world, or flinging pastries at each other?

I do recommend you read "A Platinum Princess"; that story's author goes into much more detail about the noble perspective than I have, and shows a form of this duel which takes an entirely different turn than I'm taking this one.

[AppleTank]

I lol-ed at the "let me just check my papers of forbidden knowledge here" part.
Its like: yeah, I got a bomb in my backpack, what about it?

PS: can you have a blog post somewhere listing what all your codewords meant? With all the stuff I'm reading, codewords don't stick very well.

[DataPacRat]

1062092
PS: can you have a blog post somewhere listing what all your codewords meant?
You know, that's not a bad idea. I'm going to have to scan through my whole story so far - goodness, 150k words already? - to check for any I may have forgotten, but I'll see what I can do.

[Cosmic_Crisp]

I thought the whole pastry dueling joke was from platinum crown, guess this confirms it.