Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat

Vocabulary

"Cheerilee - Blanche isn't in her right mind right now, and she's fixated on me, in a sort of romantic way. In the past, ponies with fixations much less extreme have done terrible things to the ponies they thought they loved, and to those ponies' own loved ones. Since there is a specific, identifiable threat to you, I've managed to arrange for some extra patrols in the area to keep an eye on you. But guards take time to notice and to respond, and after a while they'll have to go back to their normal routes. So I asked Princess Celestia to let me bring some of my work home to you - with certain conditions and limitations and so on.

"This is my boomstick." I opened the case, to show its contents to her. "More formally named a 'shotgun'. It works much like a crossbow, but is much easier to handle, and at the short ranges of inside a home, aiming is much less of a factor. If worst comes to worst, you can use it to defend yourself by-"

"No," Cheerilee said, gently, but firmly.

After a moment to see if she was continuing, I asked, "Pardon?"

"What kind of example would I be setting for my students, if I used this?"

"That sometimes, talking is not enough to protect yourself and the ponies you love from those who would hurt them."

She placed her hoof on the carrying case's lid and closed it. "I appreciate what you're trying to do, and I love you for it - but no."

"... Can I keep it under my side of the bed?"

"If that bed is in a house I don't own."

"Can I buy your house?"

"No."

"I'll pay well above market value..."

"No."

"Can I try to convince you to change your mind?"

"Of course."

"Can I take you to the firing range to show you how to use it?"

"No."

"... If Blanche tries to wear your skin to make me like her better, can I at least say 'I told you so'?"

"If you feel like it, then I'm certainly not going to stop you."

---

Making it to Canterlot the next morning, I put on something of a show for Alabaster Pillar, to make sure that she felt she got her money's worth. I started with having the outside well hosed down, and the interior swept and dusted; and, not admitting that the 'curse' had already been removed, went about setting some copper stakes along the property's boundary line, connected some of them with wires, and played with a gizmo I'd made to imitate the PKE meter from Ghostbusters. I hummed at my 'readings', made some adjustments to some of the stakes, made sure everypony was outside and not in contact with anything, and pushed a button. There was a bright flash from each stake (courtesy of some quickie flash-powder), and as everypony else was clearing their eyes, I discreetly dug up a small box on the edge of the garden (which I'd had buried there the previous night).

I calmly collected all the equipment and packed it away - Alabaster might have a very strong suspicion that at least some of what I'd just done was mere flim-flammery, but I was reasonably sure she couldn't know which part was. Ambiguity was my friend, where she was involved; that which she couldn't figure out about me, she couldn't use to try to predict my actions, and so, mysteriousness formed my shield against her future attacks.

---

That afternoon, the Dairy's comm-net forwarded me part of a letter Celestia had received from Twilight, reporting on her and the rest of the Mane Six's failure to do anything about the air pirate, Griffin the Griffin. One part of it immediately caught my attention - Twilight said she had seen proof that Griffin was actually an alien. Another part was more thought-provoking; it seemed that Griffin had found a way for anybeing, of any species, to use magic spells... and that all that was necessary were magically-charged crystals, intent, and the right words. She didn't mention what any of those words might be - but if she was right, then this was one of the perfect foundations for a set of quickie experiments - exactly the sort of thing the Dairy was set up to both allow and encourage.

I had Page schedule me a lab for a couple of hours, with a full set of experimental crystals.

Ordinary English words didn't do anything. Nor did what scraps of French, German, Spanish, Japanese, Greek, Hebrew, Enochian, Esperanto, Lojban, Pig Latin, Quenya, American Sign Language, or Klingon I was able to dredge from my memory. (I was once a conlang geek - AllNoun was one of my favorites.) 'Shirak' didn't create any light, nor did 'dulak' darken it. Speaking backwards didn't have any noticeable effect. Rhyming words, doggerel, and songs didn't improve the results. 'In Lor', from Ultima, didn't make light. Neither 'Azarath, metrion, zinthos' nor 'mu' seemed to work as a mantra.

Finally, the next item on my checklist was 'Latin (and/or Harry Potter)'. The first one that came to mind was Biblical - so I picked up a nice, clear, magically-charged diamond with one hoof, held it firmly before me, visualized my intent of glowyness, and stated: "Fiat Lux."

Rather to my surprise, the gemstone brightened, and was soon shining just like a light-bulb.

I immediately noted this result down, and dropped it into the outbox on the door outside of the lab, to be sent straight to the Dairy's secure document storage - if I was about to blow myself up, I wanted to make sure that Safe Guard and Micro Scope would be able to carry on the investigation without me.

By the light of the glowing diamond, I tried to think of as much Latin as I could, jotting it down. 'A mari usque ad mare', from sea to shining sea, the motto of my home country; 'ad astra per aspera', to the stars through adversity, as any good Trekkie should know; 'cui bono?', who benefits?, the motto of an evil-universe version of the justice league; 'Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?', who watches the watchmen, recently made famous by Moore; 'quid pro quo'; 'quod erat demonstrandum', the Q.E.D. at the end of math proofs; 'magna cum laude', on diplomas; 'magnum opus'; 'semper fidelis', always loyal; 'memento mori', often on gravestones; 'mens rea', the legal term for knowing what you're doing is wrong; 'morituri te salutant', from the ancient Gladiatorial games, where 'we who are about to die salute you'; 'mutatis mutandis', which I actually forgot the meaning of, I just always liked the sound of it; 'ad hominem', 'in situ', 'in vitro', 'in vivo', 'in utero', 'de novo', 'deus ex machina', 'homo sapiens', 'ipso facto', 'post hoc', 'delerium tremens', 'rigor mortis', 'et tu, Brute?', 'modus operandi', 'coitus interruptus', 'in flagrante delicto', 'carpe diem', 'terra firma', 'caveat emptor', 'cogito ergo sum', 'non sequitur', 'camera obscura', 'Pax Americana', 'casus belli', 'Anno Domini', 'E Pluribus Unum', 'sic semper tyrannus', 'vox populi', 'tabula rasa', 'ante meridiem' and 'post meridium', 'de facto' and 'de jure', 'tempus fugit', 'mea culpa', 'non compos mentis', 'habeus corpus', 'post partum', 'status quo', 'veni, vidi, vici', 'alma mater'...

I remembered that SPQR was the motto of the Roman legions, and meant 'Senate and People of Rome', but couldn't quite remember the exact Latin phrase... and looking at the list so far, figured I had enough to fiddle with. I tapped my pen on the paper - I knew the Greek and Latin for 'water' were 'hydro' and 'aqua', but couldn't remember which was which. If I needed more, I could always try digging up my memory of the long-winded terms for body-parts, official latin biological names of species, astrophysics terms, and so on.

I looked over the list, and frowned. There were a lot of words, yes, but it was a bit hard to figure out what sort of spells most of them might be able to induce - and of the ones remaining, I didn't feel like testing out the possibly lethal 'mort'... and this was probably entirely the wrong setting to see what magic the word 'coitus' could cause. (But maybe when I went back to Cheerilee...) And there were still an entire host of questions surrounding the entire operation. How, exactly, was the causal chain from my exhaling while vibrating my larynx and positioning my tongue and lips in certain ways, to a diamond brightening up? How close did I need to be to the gem? How loud did I have to speak? How precisely did I have to enunciate? If I thought one thing but used the word for another, would anything happen, and if so, what? What if I concentrated on a spell, and had someone else say the word? Could I use a recording of the word? What happened if I stopped halfway through the word, or started partway through? Did the words have to be heard? How would things change if I held more than one crystal at a time?

Thinking about these questions - and a whole host of others - it seemed that 'fiat lux' alone would be sufficient to look for many of the answers. Thus, I took my notes on Latin words, folded the papers, and put them away in my own secure document area - a spot where nopony, not even Safe and Micro, had access to. And I sought those two noteworthies to try brainstorming possible tests to try - and possible uses that could be made of what I had learned so far. I decided to hold off on telling them even on what the words to make a diamond glow were, at least for the moment - there was plenty of time to let that secret spread to them, if it turned out to be useful to do so.

And when Twilight returned, maybe I could ferret out whatever magic words she'd learned from Griffin.

---

While I was checking the latest printed timetable for the Friendship Express, hoping to be able to improve my commuting between Ponyville and Canterlot without continually borrowing the Alicorn, I got a message from Marble Pillar - she wanted to talk with me, and suggested a certain bench by the reservoir feeding into Serenity Falls. I considered, then handed my scheduling to Page with a quick request and quick grin, collected Safe, and went to see what this was about.

With Safe carefully but discreetly keeping an eye from a couple of benches over, I watched Marble undulate across the water's surface toward me, until she rested against the tile-lined bank, her front half above the water.

"You seem to be adapting well," I suggested.

"Better than not adapting - and it is more productive than bemoaning my fate, as much as Mother's associates seem to be expecting me to."

"Not 'your' associates?"

"Not as long as I refuse to take your cure. And this curse doesn't wear off. Will it?"

"I would prefer not to disclose that information at this time," I hedged.

"Meaning that even you don't know?", she asked with a sly grin.

"Meaning that I choose not to tell you even whether or not I know, let alone what I know," I shrugged. "If you wish to be sure you remain in this form for the long term, you may wish to talk to Celestia about ensuring that."

"I intend to - there is only so much inspecting that this reservoir can possibly need."

"If it is simple employment you require," I thought as I talked, "I may be able to find a position for you..."

She was shaking her head. "I may be breaking away from Mother - but that does not mean I plan on becoming your thrall, instead."

"I would hardly call entering into a standard employment contract being a 'thrall'."

"It is all about perceptions - and I would be sending an entirely different message by formally aligning with you than I am by moving apart from Mother."

"As you wish. In that case, why am I here?"

"I want to make you feel indebted to me by giving you information you find valuable, even though telling you costs me little-to-nothing."

I couldn't stop the corner of my mouth from quirking into a half grin. "Taking my philosophy on honesty to heart, are you?"

"Since it benefits me while dealing with you - certainly."

"So."

"Ah, yes. Despite Princess Celestia's assurance that no magic is affecting my mind, Mother is certain that your curse upon me has changed more than my body - thus, she is calling in many of the markers and favors owed to her by her various allies. Some of whom are distant enough from her that they are still my allies, at least enough to talk with me. I do not know what Mother's exact plan is - but it's going to be big, and soon, and probably directly involve several highly-placed members of the nobility, and target both you and your... teacher friend."

"Thank you for the warning, but there is little there that I haven't already guessed at."

"What you will not have guessed is what her plan likely is. Given her past... conquest strategies, it is probably one, or both, of two things. First, she may try to get some measure passed in the Barn of Lords which would be detrimental to you - something that does not mention you by name, but causes you grief. Perhaps she hopes to pass some anti-miscegnation law, or a regulation requiring departmental heads to go through a background check you cannot pass, or a budget amendment de-funding your department."

"I see. And the second thing?"

"Simple - what I tried to do to you, but without any plausible deniability, and with the finest duelists who can be brought to Canterlot in short order."

"I will be sure to avoid doing anything which can cause offense to any pony at all, let alone sufficient offense to require a duel."

"If that is what she tries - I do not think you will have any choice about it. She may get the Barn to ennoble you, just to ensure that you will be obliged to accept the proper sort of duel challenge, so that one of her hired swords can legally kill you."

"That," my brow wrinkled, "is not a plan I would have thought of trying to defend against."

"There is one other thing I think I should tell you now. The support Mother has been getting... has been much greater than usual, including from quarters I would not have expected. Either she has blackmail secrets even I didn't expect, or..."

"... or?"

"... or even she is merely a pawn playing into somepony else's greater plans." She wiggled her fins in what I guessed was meant as a shrug. "In which case, anything is possible."

"I see," I repeated. "Or, really, I don't - but I may have a better idea of what it is I'm not seeing."

"If you survive, please remember who it was who told you of all this."

"I don't think I could possibly forget."

---

As Safe and I strolled back toward the palace, I said, "I've been keeping up with the exercises you prescribed, and the practice for defending against monsters and would-be rapists and such. Would you happen to know of any training I could do that would help against experienced duelists?"

I really, really didn't like the smile he gave me.

Comments

[Forevermore]

Me thinks the time is fast approaching when Missy must swallow her fear and delve into the darkest places of her mind. The Wardens await the call.

[Salacar]

Foreshadowing, so much foreshadowing

[JadeCriminal]

I really, really didn't like the smile he gave me.

A perfect way to end the chapter. Good work, once again.

[DataPacRat]

1028672
From here:
The First Law of Fanfiction states that every change which strengthens the protagonists requires a corresponding worsening of their challenges. Or in plainer language: You can’t make Frodo a Jedi without giving Sauron the Death Star.

So far, the challenges Missy has faced have been relatively minor, compared to how powerful she is becoming by applying her brand of rationality. If I do manage to work things right - that's going to have changed, by the time this story is done.

[AppleTank]

Just wondering, how far is it until Knightmare gets here? Is there still a month before the Gala for you?

[DataPacRat]

1028934
The Gala happens around a year after Griffin's arrival. Missy arrived at the same time as Griffin, and by my calculations, has lived through about seven to eight weeks. So she's got a little ways to go until then.

[AppleTank]

"That sometimes, talking is not enough to protect yourself and the ponies you love from those who would hurt them."

"Sometimes, your friends might be too stubborn to see the truth, but you can always beat some sense and friendship into them. Hard."

This popped into mind...

[ArTic]

1028958
Wait, 7-8 weeks is between 49 days and 56 days, This story is currently 54 chapters. IT HAS EVERYDAY, within the time frame!

[strangephantasm]

Hoplophobia? Really Cheerilee? I am disappoint.
Although I guess it fits with her character/sugarbowl pony nonviolence.

[Ziper Ace]

So...
Since she likes being a Sea Pony
Why not make her the Peace Treaty Maker of Equestrian and sea ponies?
....
I guess I have to keep reading to find out.