Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat

Recap: Showing Some Cards

If you ever have the opportunity to enjoy a truly authentic nineteenth-century railroad ride for three nights and two days - I suggest you skip it. Especially if it's while stuck in a single carriage. With half a dozen companions of at least four different species and five different subcultures. Plus four infants. With just one bathroom.

---

"Alrighty, folks," I adjusted my glasses and looked around, "Gather up - I have words. I've been keeping secrets - a lot of secrets. Maybe too many secrets. Playing things close to the vest has become a habit with me... but if each of you are to help me to the best degree possible, I need to start sharing some of them with you... even if I do have reasons not to trust some of you very much. Some of you know some of what I'm about to say - none of you know all of it. Brick has been digging up the public information on me - so I'll let her describe that, while I fill in the blanks."

Brick nodded amiably - we'd been huddled together most of the morning, working out all this. "About three months ago," she started, "a cow was found unconscious, between Ponyville and the Everfree Forest. She was lost, confused, didn't know where she was from, and generally deemed amnesiac. Most ponies who know of her think that she is the survivor of a herd stolen for slaves, or for food."

I added, "I sometimes call that day, Day One. When I woke up, I had memories of events that were impossible, thinking thoughts no cow had ever been thought, knowing things no cow had ever been taught. It took me a few days to figure out what was real and what wasn't."

Brick continued, "The cow made it to Canterlot to see the Princesses, and talked to them."

I added, "They have great magics, and between the three of us, we determined that some of the impossible things I knew... weren't quite so impossible after all. And that some of the mysterious knowledge I now had... warned that all of Equestria was in danger. One of the bigger secrets, which at least one of you has already guessed," I glanced at Marble, "is that we have access to at least one accurate oracle. Very little information can be gotten from it - but what can be gotten, is completely accurate, given every test we've made for it. I'm not going to say anything more about the nature of that information source, since having it fall into other ponies' hooves would be... an extremely bad thing. The point is - we learned that long ago, entire continents have been destroyed... and what happened to them, is about to happen to Equestria... unless it can be stopped."

Brick took up the narrative, "The cow, who took the name 'Missy', started doing all sorts of things. She pushed for initiatives to have shelters built, for amateur scouting organizations to be formed, for a conference organized on how best to revive the ancient House of Commons, for certain educational reforms, for the formation of the new Pegasus Express mail service, for the building of lines of optical telegraph towers, and more. She also formed an independent governmental group, under the Princesses' direct royal authority: The Dairy. On the surface, it researches new food preservation methods. A barely-concealed secret is that Missy hates the slavers who killed her herd, and is using The Dairy to find slavery groups, and find ways to deal with them."

"A deeper secret is that The Dairy was actually formed to find out more specifics about the threat, and come up with ways to deal with it."

Brick said, "At one point, Missy was nearly raped by a collection of scions of noble houses. She fought back. They were arrested - and, due to the, ah, excessive level of violence she used in her defense, so was she."

Star Chaser spoke up. "In case any of you didn't know - I was one of those stallions. Princess Luna turned me into a mare, and disinherited me from my title. I didn't think that... well, I just didn't think. I'm trying to be a better pony, now."

Red said, "And while she was in prison - she met me, and arranged for me to be let out early, on a work program with her."

"While I was in there - I used my knowledge of weird things, and my connection with Princess Luna, to design a few inventions, and get them made. One was a heart medicine - for which I got a doctorate. Another was a new sort of weapon: you've seen my carrying it, and I call it Chekov. It doesn't use magic in its operation - but it does require some very precise metallurgy, which required some very careful work at some of the best forges in Canterlot."

Brick moved on, "After getting out, Missy started traveling aboard the airship owned by Prince Blueblood, sometimes with him, sometimes without."

I nodded. "I was investigating various hints I'd gathered. And... I learned some important things. One of them is so secret that, by telling all of you, I'll probably be doubling the total number who know it. A bunch of extra-Equestrians are appearing, across Equis. Each one is in the form of a local species, such as griffins or zebras; but they all seem to have been the same species before arriving: 'humans'. They are definitely connected to the forthcoming disaster - what's still unclear is how."

Brick said, "She also came into conflict with some noble houses."

Marble said, "Including mine. I hired some professional duelists to kill her. She survived, and cursed my house - I got turned into a seapony. She offered to cure me - but for my own reasons, I've decided to stay like this."

I threw in, "As part of our... truce arrangement, I ended up collecting a number of texts of forbidden knowledge and magic. If I weren't already insane, in at least a certain sense, I'd have ended up entirely bonkers after reading them."

Brick said, "She entered into a relationship with a local teacher, and was then abducted by a pack of diamond dogs moving into the Ponyville area, who were quickly routed by the Guard."

I cleared my throat. "Care to comment, Amethyst?" The near-silent diamond dog simply smiled and shook her head. "Alright. Amethyst is from that pack. While I was in their tunnels, I was given the responsibility to care for her four pups - and I still consider myself responsible for them." I nodded at the infants I'd named John, Paul, George, and Ringo, who were happily trying to gnaw on each other."

Brick said, "Missy then started undertaking some archaeological expeditions, including one to the old Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters."

I pursed my lips, then sighed, and said, "Which brings us to another secret. I'm assuming you've at least heard of the six Bearers of the Elements of Harmony, who rehabilitated Nightmare Moon and defeated Discord?" At the general nods, I opened a small wooden box, lifted out the necklace within, and put it on. "Turns out there's a seventh Element they never knew about - and that I'm the Bearer of, er, Hope. I haven't even told the Princesses about this, yet - though I did leave some clues for the Bearers in Ponyville, to either let them know, or to serve as a diversion for whichever nobles are trying to kill us."

Brick said, "Another expedition went to the Great Southern Rainforest. Which is where she met me and Blanche here - and Navy, who isn't with us."

I commented, "The three of them fell into a whole pond of love potion, and imprinted on me. Princess Celestia cured Navy, Brick thinks she's a better person the way she is now, and Blanche... ran away before she could be treated."

"As if I'd ever give up my knowledge of what a wonderful being you are!"

I added, "That's also where I put together the CAT WHISKER boxes - use them right, and when you push a button on one, the others will make a buzzing sound. I've also worked out a code of pulses so that the buzzes can be used to spell out words."

Brick said, "After returning to Equestria - Missy was involved in a lab accident, which resulted in her petrification for five weeks."

I frowned. "And while I was out - I'm not exactly sure what happened, what pressures were applied or who was responsible, but somepony went to some effort and got The Dairy taken away from me. So when I woke up, I collected all of you, we grabbed the resources I could still get at, and on our way to Ponyville, the Baroness Kohl tried disposing of me in what was arguably a plausibly legal manner."

Brick shrugged. "Which brings us to - now."

I looked around at the group again. "And so - here we are. We've got aliens to keep from blowing up the whole continent, nobles trying to kill us for some reason, secrets to keep, mysteries to investigate, and if we can, lost knowledge to rediscover, powerful artifacts to collect, hidden places to visit - and all that jazz. If any of you have any ideas about how to accomplish any or all of that - I'm listening."

Comments

[Forevermore]

Hm, considering the level of the secrets Missy shared here I guess that puts the Warden Whistle on a whole other level. Then again it's one thing to tell somebody about something potentially dangerous (such as the implication Missy is one of the invading humans, or the power of the 7th Element) and quite another to tell them about something fully capable of killing everyone in the room without effort.

I also notice that she deliberately left out how non-unicorns can use magic, and Terra's existence.

[nemryn]

Hmm, now I have to wonder, are there any secrets Missy is keeping from us?

[UltraNerdPrime]

1085223
How would that work, aside from maybe a memory charm applied shortly after first learning it?

[ObsidianOrangutan]

She also hasn't mentioned being in communication with the gods... So they could reasonably ask how she knows about the chess game.

[strangephantasm]

1085534

ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51RHgx15Z2L._SL500_AA300_.jpg
Missy can do anything.

[DataPacRat]

1085223
One thing I'll promise everyone here - while Missy may try to trick other characters, I will never try to trick my readers.

[nemryn]

1086320
Ah, but that's the same thing you'd say if you were trying to trick us, so clearly I can't -- okay I'll stop now.

No wait, one more thing- never at all, or never outside 'accepted tricks' like fakeout cliffhangers, red-herring foreshadowing, etc?

[DataPacRat]

1086477
Part of my goal in writing this is to see if I can explain certain methods of rationality to the reader, in a way that they can use those methods themselves. So, in general, when Missy faces a problem that can be solved by such a method, I do my best to make sure the reader has the same evidence available to them that she has to her, so they can work through figuring out the solution along with her. I'm trying to never do anything to trick the reader in a way that they couldn't figure things out.

Outside of that - I think I already have used a fake-cliffhanger at least once or twice ("I'm pregnant?", waking in Blueblood's bed). They're kind of fun, they don't last long, and it's usually possible for the reader to tell when I'm pulling their leg with one - so they seem harmless enough.

[Doctor Whooves]

Was the recap really necessary? I appreciate you're reaching an epic-level story length, but it just feels like it's taken me out of the story somewhat. I mean, the main plot points are fairly coherent and memorable, you're posting often enough to keep the story fresh in my mind, and if you needed this exposition in-story, you probably could have done it with a sentence or two.

I'm not trying to berate you, it just seems a bit pointless.

[DataPacRat]

1093316
As it happens, just today, I started discussing a new potential Chessverse crossover with another author, who hasn't read this whole story yet - and having the recap around to refer to was quite handy. Even without that specific example, I've gotten some feedback from other readers who said they were starting to lose track of everything going on, which is what prompted me to write it in the first place.

Don't worry - if you didn't like this chapter, there'll be another one along soon enough.

[scranity]

Wow, I've never seen a recap chapter in a book before. TV shows yeah, but never books.
On the other hand, the story is so long that this chapter could be the start of the 3rd book in the series, if this was one.
And it helps a lot since I'm trying to keep track of what's happened even with the recap.

...but that might just be me

Also

"Alright. Amethyst is from that pack. While I was in their tunnels, I was given the responsibility to care for her four pups - and I still consider myself responsible for them." I nodded at the infants I'd named John, Paul, George, and Ringo, who were happily trying to gnaw on each other."

You've got an extra Quotation mark at the end there.