- Member Since 7th May, 2016
- offline last seen Yesterday
Quillian Inkheart
I'm still here! Just not here very often.
Quillian Inkheart
Joined 7th May, 2016 ·
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- Quillian Inkheart · 6.6k words · 27 3 · 448 views
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What the hell did I miss in the comments?
7225145
Hah. Nothing. Just banter between me and my pre-reader/editor.
7225152
Haa. You should have left it. That stuff's usually fun to read.
7225170
I'm... not too keen on waving around my mistakes. Some of them made me feel really silly. And not the good kind of silly.
7225170
Well, enjoy the story and tell me what you think.
7226412
Yeah, things escalate pretty quickly. And then they only get worse. The title is supposed to be symbolic of that; the story rots away, getting progressively darker until the end.
This chapter...
THIS CHAPTER! Bring the tissues.
And... I get the feeling you'll be even more distraught later. A Touch of Madness will be particularly brutal, I imagine.
P.S. - I was strangely tempted to name this chapter 'The chapter where shit gets real', but that wouldn't really have fit.
oh look another 'Troting Dead' like story,
sorry but I'm going to pass, got anything else that might interest me?
7233850
Eh. I never claimed this story was revolutionary. I do claim to be an above-average writer who loves what he does and lets his passion show in his work. I aim to not disappoint, even if people think my story is unoriginal.
And, to digress, consider television; I can name at least three different zombie shows, all with their own dedicated fanbase, each as popular as the last. Just because it's been done before doesn't mean it's bad and should be dismissed. I mean, if everyone did that, no one would ever read another Fallout Equestria, ever. But, to each his own, yes?
If you're a fan of romance or music, I've got a good story about those topics.
And I do have a few other Grimdark in the works, but these two stories are my primary focus now, as I've got them both completely finished, barring edits and minor revisions. It will be a month, at least, before I get to publishing my other stories.
-Inkheart
7233874 I'm sorry if I 'sounded' like I tried to be degrading to your work, it's just that I'm kinda tired of 'zombie' worlds, yet games I don't have said problem, and I understand what you mean with Fallout Equestria. I go for stories in that genre that suit me, but like you said 'to each their own'. I apologize again for being out of line and have looked into your other story and am tracking it and do look forward to your other stories.
7233979
My apologies too, for giving off the wrong impression. I fully understand zombies are overdone. I don't hold it against anyone to avoid something that bores them thanks to repetition, but I also advise them to watch out; spend too much time dodging bullets, you just might dodge something worth catching.
And I didn't mean to sound so defensive.
But this story isn't revolutionary or anything, which is why I'm not putting as much effort into this story as I am my others; especially Bassdrops and Bowstrings. That's a much more recent and interesting work.
I tried to spice this story up a bit by placing it in an entirely 'Grimdark' world... What I mean by that is, most of the 'namesake' MLP Grimdarks exist in this world. For instance, the Rainbow Factory is there, though it only has one worker these days. The Blanks still wander around the Everfree. I plan on them becoming a bit of a problem later. I doubt it's enough to redeem the whole 'Zombie' angle, but eh. I try. This story really is just an ode to my progress more than anything else.
-Inkheart
7233992 never heard of the blanks. I do like 'Grimdark' stories it's just I have to find one that hit me with interest.
7234006
Well, I'm working on a maybe-crossover Slendermane Grimdark. I mean, he's technically canon, so I don't know if I should call it a crossover, but... Well, things get crazy, fast.
And by the Blanks, I meant the Grimdark game/fic Story of the Blanks. You know, this one. Looks like a zombie story. Is not a zombie story.
I hope we get to see you more journal entry parts. Because it sometimes fun to read journal entries if stories if they're written well. Because even though you're focusing on the present it does get a bit of insight as to what happened in the past
Zombie ponies with somber eyes judging by the sounds of it? And this is caused by a plague? 00 ways you could go with it now. You definitely have my curiosity peeked
You did, you son of a bitch, you gave one of the most exciting descriptions of a zombie transformation. I have read a few Zombie fanfics on here before but when you die you just come back. But when these guys die, they go through a transformation that actually sounds like a zombie transformation
I hereby look forward to more
7234147
Funny story; I made those journal entries as a test, really. This was my first story, written a few years back, and I wanted to see how the style looked. I liked it so much, journal-like entries became a regular thing at the start of each chapter in my primary novel. I confess, I was also partially inspired by The Mistborn Trilogy and Stormlight Archive (Both astounding series by the awesome Brandon Sanderson.) which use pre-chapter entries to great effect.
7234162
The 'Dark Magic Eyes' were always one of my favorite design choices. The concept of dark magic being able to corrupt the minds and bodies of those it's used on and used by always gave me some fun ideas.
I confess, it becomes pretty clear later who the antagonist is. I left it obvious on purpose, as to utilize dramatic irony. You know he's a villain, the characters don't, which makes things a lot more fun.
7234180
Hehe! Thank you. But, interesting thing, each race of ponies go through the shift differently. Unicorns are the least affected because the magic preserves their minds, to an extent, allowing them to cast dark magic with some degree of competence. It may never be touched on, so;
Earth Ponies, who were the intended recipient for the plague when it was created, undergo the most painful transformation. Their bodies warp, forcefully enlarging muscle mass, while maintaining volume, making them more dense and more powerful, but slower due to their muscles being too much. They've got a body like Snowflake (Bulk Biceps) crammed into the size of an average pony.
Pegasi are, in a way, the opposite. They are slimmed down, becoming agile and fierce. Think of them like Hunters from Left 4 Dead, able to charge and leap where other zombies, at most, can run. Only these beasts can fly. Put in the fact that they retain their magical flight abilities, despite their rot, and retain all previous levels of skill from flying, and you've got some nasty undead. Put simply, Undead Wonderbolts would be a living nightmare.
-Inkheart
Okay, I've gotta say I love the fact that not only are you creating a grim macabre of a story of yourself but you're also pulling other horrors into the ride along the way as you paint it. One of your best chapters yet and keep up the great work! :)
7240062
Thanks!
My idea was this; What if those other Grimdark stories existed, but things didn't quite happen as they did in the stories? Rainbow Dash didn't become the supervisor of the Rainbow Factory, so Surprise did instead - though that was just a teeny shout-out to FiMFlamFilosophy's video 'Captain Hook the Biker Gorilla - But it's secretly Rainbow Factory'.
I plan on bringing in a few others, like the Blanks, who are free from the Everfree now, thanks to the influx of dark magic. Special, intelligent undead, anyone? And Cupcakes... all the cupcakes.
-Inkheart
7244447
I have no idea what Kyras has to do with this.
7244501
Hm. Sensible.
I like blackhoof, he's one of those kinds of characters that you can rely on for dark information if and when you need it.
7251499
Yeah... That is a pretty good rendition of people's emotions at this point... I love this chapter.
-Inkheart
Hmm... it appears this story hasn't got the recognition it deserves. Keep it up! Seriously. I'll be keeping my eyes on you from now on!
7268470
Neither of my large-scale stories have, really. But I don't let it dishearten me. I plan on writing until people notice what I do best.
LET IT BEGIN
LET IT BEGIN.
Princess Twilight turned her head to face them, setting her fresh journal onto the table in front of her.
Bolded her should be an a
Setting a fresh journal onto the table in front of her.
“Long time so see, Mister and Missus Cake."
So should be no.
I suggest you to thange I'd to I've.
And then perhaps put an afterthought to end the paragraph before beginning the next one.
*Slams the book closed*
I... I cannot unsee what I have just read.
Two i in pegasi???
7280889
Oh, don't act like I was the first one to do it.
Besides, in terms of of trading in pony terminiology, it's a pretty fitting swap-out.
-Inkheart
Not going to cut the engine off the train?
. Vinyl was almost completely thorough the room and was feeling herself get a little disheartened, when the filly caught her eye.
Throrough should be through.
Soo....
Presumimg that the story takes a few years, white knight grows up, and defeats the dark forces.
...
Seems legit.
7283773
Twilight's plan uses the foward momentum granted by the engine to help throw the train at the barrier.
7283874
Pft... White Knight isn't an Alicorn. Mind, I wrote this right after Daring Don't, so Flurry want a thing. I didn't feel like grappling with the implications of a newborn Alicorn, so I made White Knight a Unicorn, for simplicity's sake. He'll be about as useful as Sweetie Belle in all this.
-Inkheart
This comment brought to you by Commence Comments
So first things. Very interesting idea sorta sad it isn't more popular but gore has its negative side that most don't like. Good story though, so pros I like how you have kept the risen sort of mysterious. I also like how you show ponies going insane it something alot of zombie writers forget so good job.
Cons, so most of these are my opinion but the vinyl killing her friend didn't sit well with me I know the whole I should do it thing but that's really only for pets I wouldn't want to kill my best friend. Another thing the way they handled Pinkie yes she snapped but she saved thier life's I feel like the mistrust happened a little to fast she was only torturing the mare who tried to kill her frienda. But besides this which like I said is just an opinion. I give this story a 7 out of 10 and hope it gets a more popular for you. Keep up the good work
7324205
Thank you very much!
I worked hard to leave the Risen as a very unknown element. You know they're powered by dark magic and act somewhat like zombies. Casius gives the history, but that's all we know. I will say, they become less mysterious in the last few chapters, when facts begin to fall into place.
Insanity is a fairly untapped market in apocalypse fics. 'Dead Rising' showed this side of zombies well, as did 'Walking Dead,' but many people just make the 'Resident Evil' or 'Z-Nation' style zombie apocalypse, I much prefer breaking my characters, over killing them. Death is so final; but insanity lingers. Hehe... You thought Trixie was bad; you should see what I do to poor Twilight in the next few chapters.
For addressing the Cons; Vinyl didn't do the act lightly. Octavia was about to be killed by the guards, but Vinyl would rather she be given a gentler, more personal death. Otherwise, she'd have simply been another casualty; killed by some nameless guard in the midst of the madness. In a way, Vinyl's decision was an driven by insanity in-of-itself. Now, she will always remember Octavia; her blood is forever on her hooves.
As for Pinkie; it was the sudden nature of the shift that freaked everyone out. One minute, she's smiles. The next? Yikes. After she calms down, the trust returns, but there's always that slight tension about what lingers beneath the surface. And, to say what's going through their heads; how long until she decides we aren't smiling enough? Admit, it would be pretty terrifying, relying on someone with a disorder like the one I gave Pinkie. Multiple Personality Disorder is dangerous, especially so when one of the personalities is as volatile as our dear, sweet Pinkamena Diane Pie.
But I'll take the feedback into consideration and touch on these topics. I'll probably edit the other ponies thoughts of Pinkie and why they were so distrustful into the chapter. Vinyl actually gets addressed at a later date; I just haven't gotten that far. Neon will actually question her why she took it upon herself to kill Octavia and it's going to be... Yeah... You'll see.
-Inkheart
>> CommenceComments (finished chapter 5)
So this is essentially an ambitious, fairly well-written fic that I ultimately have too many problems with for it to be something I'd read. Note that I'm very picky in what I do read, though.
That said, let me start with the technical stuff. The most unnerving thing here are the inconsistencies with the time you use. This happened so often that I wasn't sure if it's maybe intentional? If so, then I don't think I like it (though Idk what you're going for), but if it's not, it's really something you should get a hold of. An example is "Twilight frowns at that. " in chapter 4, however there were at about half a dozen instances in the first 5 chapters.
The other grammar mistakes I noticed I wrote down.
Chapter 1: I suppose in the past few years,I’dve become
Chapter 1: had lead her to defend Ponyville from the monsters of the Everfree Forest single-handed (this is debatable, but I don't think the phrase "single-handed" should be used in the pony-verse.
Chapter 2: ponies who she’d come to know and love.
Next I'll address the logical oddities that bugged me (these are a bit subjective)
- The threat of the zombies does not seem convincing. From what I know so far, they are behaving similar to the zombies in the walking dead, i.e. brainless but deadly on a meele range; perhaps more agile. So... I get that they are dangerous, but I don't get how they can be an equal opponent. Twilight can teleport, shoot magic beams, and has strong enough magic to lift up an Ursa, surely dealing with a bunch of earth ponies is no problem at all. And for Celestia it's even more strange; Twilight falls unconscious, and she has problems dealing with the zombies for those minutes? ((That's the implication, isn't it? That she might not have made it?)) That seems bizarre. Even if she doesn't want to hurt them, I'd expect her to just put up a shield.
If they are in fact stronger than just earth ponies that could be an explanation, but so far that hasn't been shown, which makes it confusing.
- Derpy appears in two groups (chapter 1 and start of chapter 2). I guess she could have joined them to find others
- Why is Twilight treating stories about zombies as if they convey real information? (This was actually the thing that bothered me most next to the inconsistencies with time). Like, she goes 'there's a bunch of fiction about zombies, so idk which one applies' - ??? How what why, why would you assume that anything in fiction has anything to do with what's happening now? Does she have any reason to assume that some of it is based on reality? If so, that's not coming through.
Next to the plot construction (this is even more subjective).
I don't like the way you handled exposition here. First Twilight writes it all in a book, and then she tells her friends. Why did we need both? Specifically, why did we need the first? I'd have just left the diary entry out completely and have the readers infer the stuff from reading what's happening, which I don't think would be hard.
I also take an issue with your description of feelings. It's not that you describe what Twilight feels, it's more that you also feel the need to describe why she feels that. So it's sort of a show-don't-tell thing, or maybe just a preference.
And on a broader note-- so this is sort of an apocalyptic story. That means I expect certain things. Specifically, I expect exposition, and then (after the setup) the evacuation. Probably something happens on the train, but they will make it. So, too predictable for my taste.
Lastly the most subjective part, I would suggest using strict single-person PoV's for each chapter, that should make it easier to convey a believable atmosphere. This is partially in reference to the part where you describe the other main6's feelings. The shift in writing style isn't prevalent enough to sell it for me.
ZOMBIEZZZZZZZZ
me like...
7411581
Well, I'm quite glad that you're enjoying it.