>> CommenceComments (finished chapter 5)

So this is essentially an ambitious, fairly well-written fic that I ultimately have too many problems with for it to be something I'd read. Note that I'm very picky in what I do read, though.

That said, let me start with the technical stuff. The most unnerving thing here are the inconsistencies with the time you use. This happened so often that I wasn't sure if it's maybe intentional? If so, then I don't think I like it (though Idk what you're going for), but if it's not, it's really something you should get a hold of. An example is "Twilight frowns at that. " in chapter 4, however there were at about half a dozen instances in the first 5 chapters.

The other grammar mistakes I noticed I wrote down.

Chapter 1: I suppose in the past few years,I’dve become
Chapter 1: had lead her to defend Ponyville from the monsters of the Everfree Forest single-handed (this is debatable, but I don't think the phrase "single-handed" should be used in the pony-verse.
Chapter 2: ponies who she’d come to know and love.

Next I'll address the logical oddities that bugged me (these are a bit subjective)

- The threat of the zombies does not seem convincing. From what I know so far, they are behaving similar to the zombies in the walking dead, i.e. brainless but deadly on a meele range; perhaps more agile. So... I get that they are dangerous, but I don't get how they can be an equal opponent. Twilight can teleport, shoot magic beams, and has strong enough magic to lift up an Ursa, surely dealing with a bunch of earth ponies is no problem at all. And for Celestia it's even more strange; Twilight falls unconscious, and she has problems dealing with the zombies for those minutes? ((That's the implication, isn't it? That she might not have made it?)) That seems bizarre. Even if she doesn't want to hurt them, I'd expect her to just put up a shield.

If they are in fact stronger than just earth ponies that could be an explanation, but so far that hasn't been shown, which makes it confusing.

- Derpy appears in two groups (chapter 1 and start of chapter 2). I guess she could have joined them to find others

- Why is Twilight treating stories about zombies as if they convey real information? (This was actually the thing that bothered me most next to the inconsistencies with time). Like, she goes 'there's a bunch of fiction about zombies, so idk which one applies' - ??? How what why, why would you assume that anything in fiction has anything to do with what's happening now? Does she have any reason to assume that some of it is based on reality? If so, that's not coming through.

Next to the plot construction (this is even more subjective).

I don't like the way you handled exposition here. First Twilight writes it all in a book, and then she tells her friends. Why did we need both? Specifically, why did we need the first? I'd have just left the diary entry out completely and have the readers infer the stuff from reading what's happening, which I don't think would be hard.

I also take an issue with your description of feelings. It's not that you describe what Twilight feels, it's more that you also feel the need to describe why she feels that. So it's sort of a show-don't-tell thing, or maybe just a preference.

And on a broader note-- so this is sort of an apocalyptic story. That means I expect certain things. Specifically, I expect exposition, and then (after the setup) the evacuation. Probably something happens on the train, but they will make it. So, too predictable for my taste.

Lastly the most subjective part, I would suggest using strict single-person PoV's for each chapter, that should make it easier to convey a believable atmosphere. This is partially in reference to the part where you describe the other main6's feelings. The shift in writing style isn't prevalent enough to sell it for me.

7411581
Well, I'm quite glad that you're enjoying it.

help... me... it hurts... the screens light... it burns... my... skin... im so... hungry... and im... very itchy... much hungry... very itchy itchy... light no... burn... hunger... flesh... itchy...skin fally... itchy... hungry... hmgri... ihy...hri...ijas...ngihyuy

Oh please tell me this hasn't ended, I was so entranced in the story!

9669801
I'm always up for a good story

8692431
Ended: no. However, it's not a major project for me right now, and I don't know when I'll be picking it up again. Sorry for the exceptionally late response. I don't know why I didn't reply sooner.

9670562
Well, thanks for the compliment.

I really liked the story so far,but like some people pointed it out,it has some problems and I'd like to point them out.I hope this comes out as constructive,and not a rant:
1-the plot.Ok,there are zombies,but it's never truly explained how they became zombies.I think it would've been more emotional if there was a reason for the disease and not something vague and random.
2-the grammar.I'm not a native english speaker,but I noticed some obvious mistakes,and it's kinda strange considering you said you are"an above average writter".Also,let me point out some things I found strange.:in a chapter,when AJ and PP startles Vinyl,you wrote"Vinyl dropped a photo"but then,it is implied that the photo was already on the ground.And also in this chapter,when you wrote that RD fell on her back but managed to avoid her head and wings.Ok,she probably lifted her head,but what about the wings?you said that she had wounds on her back and"arms and legs"(which should've been hoofs btw)so how did she avoided her wings?that just screamed plot armor
3-the characters:I didn't like the fact that Vinyl talked that way.It would've been better if she was mute and we would be able to read her expressions and body language instead.Also,the part where she lashed at Twilight...I hated that.Oh and also Twilight:she feels guilty and meek when Vinyl screams at her,but then becomes a ruthless killer?come on...
Overall,a nice story,but with some flaws.But this is just my opinion so take it with a grain of salt

10176066
Thank you for the feedback! I feel like I should reply to this, to give you my thoughts at the time of writing this story.

The Plot

This was going to be revealed eventually as a magical disease, made by Unicorns to quell the other races. It would've lead to some racial tension, as ponies realized this was some vestige of the old racial tensions.

The Grammar

Yeah, I strongly agree with you on this one. This is literally the first story I ever wrote, and I made a lot of mistakes. That's one reason I'm not sure I'll ever pick it up again; the story was cliched and the characters were interesting, but also cliched. And...

The Characters

I wrote this fic long before the cannon was established that Vinyl was a mute. And by that standard, do you not like Nowhacking's vocal work as Vinyl? As for her reaction to Twilight, it's psychology 101; hurt people hurt people. Vinyl was internalizing much of her pain, and needed a target to vent at. She craved someone else to lash out at, because blaming herself would destroy her.

As for Twilight's meekness and brutality, consider who she's dealing with. Vinyl is one of her acquaintances, and a friend of a friend. Don't forget, Pinkie was established to (probably) know Vinyl in a Canterlot Wedding, when she was DJing with her, and this was confirmed later to be true canonically. However, Chryssi and the Changelings are villains who hadn't been redeemed at this point. Not only that, but in Twilight's mind, their immunity to the disease was unfair. They weren't ponies, sure, but that only made it easier to kill them. People or pony, it's easier to label another race as "monsters" and kill them with impunity than it is to face ones own inner demons.

Well well Well. Look at what I've found