I rewrote this. Look at the rewrite!
Chapters (7)
- Member Since 21st Oct, 2015
- offline last seen Feb 21st, 2016
ShadowDragon6
Hey, it's me, Shadow Dragon! I love MLP and DBZ, and I wanted to bring the two closer together. I also made my OC in Mugen. You can find him here: http://shadowdragoncave60.blogspot.co.uk/
ShadowDragon6
Joined 21st Oct, 2015 ·
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Well which is it -- third person or first person?
>That cover art
Stop
>The mangling of the English Language you call properly writing a southern accent
STOP
>Calling the first chapter "A New Pony" when it's just palette-swapped Applejack with a name like "Oak the Shadow Dragon"
STOP
>Managing to have more dialogue as opposed to story than the early works of Midnight Freaking Chaos
*Operatic* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YOU SICK FUCK
I have most of the same complaints, and enough sense to not follow this running joke to express them.
But seriously. Apple Bloom has an accent, not an incomprehensible drawl.
I fixed your OC for you. She's actually quite fun to draw!
orig14.deviantart.net/ed84/f/2015/298/1/6/seriously__by_thefanficfanpony-d9ec0mt.png
I will never get those minutes that it took to read this story back...
gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Michael-Scott-angry-stare-at-toby.gif
6565819
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6566269
I drew his/her OC better:
pre06.deviantart.net/0d5b/th/pre/f/2015/298/8/b/sass_queen_shadow_by_thefanficfanpony-d9eccpy.png
6566459
That doesn't necessarily save the story.
Speaking oooof, there's one good thing I can say about this story. It's grammatically correct. I shouldn't have to be praising a story that isn't complete gibberish, but with the amount of stories I've seen that don't even get a proofreader in, it's a problem on this website. So er, good job on being able to write coherently/get an editor.
orig10.deviantart.net/7598/f/2012/117/f/b/bitter_alcoholic_fluttershy_by_whitediamondsltd-d4xsa0f.png
6566718
I know that, it's just a basis for character building.
6566723
Fair enough, it's just that some of the comments you replied to (Elric's and Iz Ghast's) weren't even talking about the OC.
6566738
Hehe, I did what I could.
I would have made her coat a light blue color.
6566851
Thanks, I guess. I like to improve stuff, even if it's not perfect.
To quote Beavis and Butthead:
6566459 She's cute but the ear thing looks dumb. If it was a potara earing then maybe. Also he's a guy.
6565278 It changed because Oak had a name now.
6565450 Ew. I hate that song. And all crappy music. If my cousin likes it, it sucks. I only like dubstep.
edit: and also heavy metal. Psychostick is my favourite, I found them on a MLP comedy vid about Twilight's sandwich.
6566914 That art sucks.
6566223 Also I didn't notice this at first, but you got the tail and Cutie Mark wrong. It says several times in the story his Cutie Mark is a purple Sharingan... Oh wait, you didn;t read the story, did you? You, like many others, just saw the black OC and said "Ew".
6580995 What's wrong with that?
6580928
No, I just tried to make it more believable.
6584113 What do you mean, believable? All you did was get the Sharingan wrong and make her look too girly.
6588610
Well, not all girly things have to be bad, and her cutie mark should be something a bit more 'normal' so that she's less perceived as a Mary-Sue. Even if she isn't a Mary-Sue, this can help with perception. And a fan-shaped cutie mark could be really fun to work with! For example, maybe she's been trapped in a fan factory in Manehattan, and had to make them until the mark appeared. I don't know. But one thing's for sure: the reason for all of your dislikes is because of how the story is written. I'm not trying to 'hate', just to help out.
6588610 I don't see how she looks too 'girly'.
6622961 Oak is a guy. See, this is why I gave him the Aeiral attack I gave him in Mugen, the one that made the community flip out. Strangely, they thought the fart attack was worse than hitting the enemy with a giant censor bar in midair while grinning.
6621564 I get it, and you're not a hater. You're cool. But 1, the Shadow Dragon thing is an important part of his character, and 2, would a fan pony be able to fight off Ashmodeus?
This story is now rated T for Teen. That should help stem the tide of babies that downvote without leaving comments.
The way you have done their accent needs to be fixed, and the way you have set out your story....
It isn't structured right. It needs proper paragraphs and sentences. At the moment all you have is constant dialogue, and no description of what is happening or the environment the characters are set in. Looking at the later chapters you seem to be getting better at it, but make sure you do things like:
Rainbow Dash felt a shiver down her spine as she walked a steady pace through the dimly lit tunnel. The stones under her hooves were damp and uncomfortable, and she couldn't help but feel a foreboding sense of discomfort.
Instead of simply:
Rainbow Dash walked through the tunnel. She felt scared.
6623710
Also, you should be a bit nicer... that person took the time and effort to draw a more defined character and you just go and shit all over it? Nice job man...
6623707
Seriously? Then why does he look like a mare?
6623759
Nope. You'll get more critics headed your way, since you added more tags and changed some around (which will end up giving your story more spotlight from people looking for mysteries and thrillers, since new tags and all.) And if we were babies, we wouldn't have access to the computers at all, most likely.
And this is coming from someone who's done 37 stories minimum on here. I say that because I went and deleted some of my earliest works.
6624153 I'll get more critics? Good. I want intelligent people to read my story. If they hate it, then they should say what they hated and what I could improve on. You know, actual criticism. None of the crap I deal with daily.
Edit: Look at how many people downvoted. Then look at how many of those donvoters had the balls to actually leave a comment, instead of hiding behind an anomynity shield. I see a few commenters have deleted their comments (Though I'm not deleting my comments that replied to theirs), so they also lack balls. Good to know.
6624218 Please define 'intelligent people' as you see them, please. I'm half-awake, and afraid I don't really follow here.
6623798 I didn't shit on that character. I said the Shadow Dragon thing is integral to Oak's character and the story. Changing him to a fan-making pony (How do you even get there from Shadow Dragon?) would both demote him to a lower tier and make the story less cool.
6623993 Same reason Rock Lee has weird eyes: It's the character design.
6623798 You're good at descriptions. I'll try and do that more often. Thanks fro the help! :)
TFS reference, like it. Also...can i see it too?
ok Babs Seed killed off for no reason. Sorry but dislike
why...didn't...he...DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGE!
6624278 No, sorry, I never drew that part. But yeah, TFS reference. Thanks for being the first one to get it. :)
6623707 Oh, you're one of those people.
'I like how mares look but I don't want a mare OC so he's a stallion.'
If they are a stallion then make them look like one.
6624218
You know, I was going to leave some detailed feedback on this. But after reading your comments, I really can't be bothered to do so. You're combative and seem to have this "better than thou" attitude thing going on. I can forgive the latter if you actually had anything of substance to offer but you don't. So, you're getting the short list.
1) Talking head syndrome: Too much dialogue but not enough actions. The characters speak but you don't say what else they might be doing. Think of when you talk to a friend, what are you doing during that time? Messing with your hair, checking your messages, looking at something far away? Give us something to work with.
2) Writing an idiom: It's hard to read what Applejack and Apple Bloom are saying. Try toning the whole "yokel" thing down a bit. And a minor point, "American" is not an accent. "Southern" is typically the term used after all you don't hear people like that in New York or Minnesota now do you?
3) Is this some sort of Naruto crossover? The whole "Sharingan" means nothing in and of itself.
4) It's dull. First chapter in and I'm bored silly in part due to the problems listed and also because there's no real characterization going on with your OC.
So that's it. Thumbs down and those are my reasons.
6626102 "Those people"? Explain more, please.
6630739 No. I don't. I just have a crapton of immature haters downvoting everything I write for including an OC. And like three or so people giving actual useful criticism. I've been under a lot of pressure lately, shit's going on with my cousin, and I'm not sure if this site actually has a "Block person" function, but it should. Just like you should only be able to upvote or downvote a story if you leave a comment instead of hiding behind an anonymous shield like all my pathetic haters.
I don't think I'm better than anything else. I welcome critics, they will help me to grow and improve. Haters can and should take an Attitude Adjustment.
Thanks for telling me you're leaving a downvote. And those are legitimate points! I'll now address them.
1, Fair point. I'm training and improving.
2, Also fair point. I'm not from america, but Applejack sounds American to me.
3, That's the name of the symbol. The spinny purple thing. Sharingan. You... don't know this?
4. A lot of shows don't really do anything in the first chapter, and I was trying to not rush through things too fast. But ok. I'll try and put in more action from now on. Could you remove your downvote if I improve?
6630981 It really annoys me when people make a stallion that looks like a mare. If you want your OC to look like a mare, make it a mare.
The reason the ponies are designed that way is to make it easy to tell what their sex is.
6631962 Why would it annoy you? Whether a stallion looks like a stallion or not is something small and utterly up to the author. If you don't like how an OC doesn't look like a Big Mac clone, learn to be more tolerant.
6621564 Also, thanks for trying. I need to be nicer to people that aren't asses. You are not an ass.
6632541 i think he means, mares always have the rounded snout. When stallions have the boxed snout. Its just confusing is all.
Mmmm yeah. You definitly need to work on sentance structure. Also all these charecters feel kind of... Meh to me.
If you want the help im quite experienced in writing, evident from my profile. Im also labled as an expert proofreader on the proofreader doc.
Also, i think you should go back and improve chapters before you make more. If people are not enjoying the story there must be a clear problem with it, and just adding more chapters without fixing it gives you a bad rep of not listening to feedback.
My first story i made got 4 upvotes to 35 downvotes. I immedietly went back and revised it all before posting more. And now it's one of my most succesful stories, sitting in a 3 part series.
You should carefully pick which characters to kill off and not to. Also how is this in any way a Dragon Ball Z crossover. I don't see the tag nor references to Shenron or anything else.
6631001
This is exactly what I was mentioning. You call your "haters" immature when you yourself are showing no maturity whatsoever. If you truly are as you like to think you are then rise above it if you can. People have an opinion and posting on this site allows them to give you their opinion on your story. If they don't like it, then that's their decision. Hiding behind personal problems and saying that they should only be able to give thumbs up or down if they leave a comment is meaningless. You'd just get people saying, "your story sucks" or "your story is great" in order to leave that ranking. If so, what's the point?
As should you. This is a two way street.
The first step here is to redo the first chapter with the appropriate additions. For example you say:
When you could be saying something like,
I don't know what country you're from but I would imagine that you have regional dialects where people from a specific part speak differently than those in another part of the country. This is why Applejack typically talks in an accent that has been described as "southern", "rural" or "down home" to differentiate it from other accents like "West Coast", "Minnesotan", "Bostonian" or "Jersey".
The symbol, by that name, only exists in Naruto. I'll admit I don't watch it and I have no interest in it. So my question would be, why would you have this as your cutie mark unless it's somehow a Naruto crossover? If it's not a crossover, why call it a Sharingan?
And this is where you're wrong. The first chapter of any book, story or television series needs to have the hook. It needs to grab your attention and make the reader in this case want to come back and read more. No need to go overboard, but so far at least for me there's been no hook. It's just stuff going on. You don't need more action, you just need to be able to weave a story and that's something that nobody can teach you but you need to figure out on your own.
Depends on how your story goes. You've got seven chapters so far. I briefly skimmed the last one you put up today and I'm still not impressed. You're lacking in characterization. Characters are just there and two-dimensional. They have no motives other than what they're written as. The only one that can say to be fleshed out in any way is, no surprise here, your OC and even then it's marginal at best.
Speaking honestly, you really need an editor to help you with this story. I suggest you find a group on this site to help you with this. And if the story with their help improves I'd be glad to take away the down vote.
6632541 Most stallions don't look like big mac. Also, speaking of clones of Apples, it looks like a clone of Applejack, further contributing to people thinking it is a mare.
To quote from Lilo and Which, "Ohana means nobody gets left behind, or forgotten."
Also, I'm interested in seeing where this goes.