Oak The Shadow Dragon

by ShadowDragon6

Awoken

Awaken, my child.

"Who's there?" I asked.

Rise and shine.

"Mother?"

Wake up.

"WAKE UP!" A female voice shouted.

"Mother?!" I yelled, waking up.

"Naw." A surprised orange pony with a brown hat and green eyes said with an American voice. "A'm Applejack."

"And A'm Apple Bloom!" A smaller yellow pony with a red mane said next to her. Her accent was even more American.

I looked around in confusion, and saw a bunch of trees around me. This wasn't my home.

"Oh." I said. I looked down, and saw myself. I was black, and had really long purple hair. I looked at my hand, but it was a hoof instead.

"Oh." I said. "That's weird."

"What is?" She asked.

"I'm a pony." I admitted.

And then I screamed a lot, but she punched me, and I snapped out of it.

"Thank you." I said.

"Anytime, partner." She said americanly.

"Hey, if you don mand ma askin, wut's that Cyutie Mawrk maen?" Apple Bloom asked, pointing at my butt.

Confused, I looked at my butt, and saw that my pony butt had three Sharingan on it, purple ones.

I looked at their butts, and Applejack had a picture of three red apples on it, and Apple Bloom had a shield thingy.

"What is that?" I asked.

"A cutie mark. It's what adult ponies have that tells them their destiny, but... I don't know what those swirly things mean." Applejack said.

"Me either." I admitted.

"Wait, wot? How can you not know what your Cutie Mark means?" Applejack asked.

"I don't know." I said.

"Alright, what's your name?" Applejack asked.

"I don't know." I said.

"Wait, sis, I've red abat this!" Apple Bloom said. "It's called amnesia!"

"It's called a load of Pegasus dung." Applejack said.

"Sis, we can't just leave him here! It ain't safe for amnesia ponies to be on their own!" Apple Bloom said.

"Well, whadya suppose we do?" Applejack asked.

"Twaliagt'll know fur sure!" Apple Bloom said.

"I don't like Twilight." I said, remembering something.

"You remembered something!" Apple Bloom said happily, spinning.

"Why the hay not?" Applejack asked.

"I don't know... I just don't like it." I said.

"Her." AJ said.

"Huh? No, it's a thing I don't like. Is there a girl with the same name?"

"What's a girl?" Applejack asked.

"I don't know." I said.

"Well... Whadya we call you?" Applejack asked.

"I don't know. Can you name me?"

Applejack looked at the tree closest to me. "Oak." She said, because it was an oak tree.

"Apple Oak?" Apple Bloom asked.

"NO." Applejack said angrily, her face getting bigger for a moment. Apple Bloom hid down, scared and shaking.

"Are we going to Twilight now?" Oak asked.

"Sure!" Applejack said, and we walked to Twilight's giant castle.

"Woah, it's so big!" I gasped. "That's what she said." I added.

"Who?" Applejack asked.

"Nobody, it's just a dumb joke." I said. "HEY, I REMEMBERED SOMETHING! That joke!"

"Yay!" Apple Bloom said. "All we have to do is keep making you look at stuff, and you'll have your memory back in no time!"

"Awesome!" Oak yelled.

Applejack knocked the door, and a beautiful purple pony with giant wings and a horn came down. As soon as Oak saw her, Oak knew he was in love. Big purple love-hearts appeared in his eyes, and he drooled a little.

"Hey, everypony. Who's this?" Twilight asked, trying not to stare.

"This is a pony that lost his memory, we're calling him Oak." Applejack said. "We're hopin yall could share some light on the situation."

"Well, sure. What can you remember?" Twilight asked, going into her house and getting some books with her magic.

"I can't remember anything. Except for a weird joke. And I can... See things." Oak admitted.

"See things?" Twilight asked.

"Yeah, like how far you can move, how strong your magic is, how you did that psychic thing..." Oak said, copying it, a purple glow forming around my eyes because I didn't have a horn.

"What?!" Twilight shouted, confused. "That is not possible! How is that possible?!"

"I don't know! Stop yelling at me!" I said, scared.

"He has a weird Cutie Mark, too!" Apple Bloom said.

"A weird Cutie Mark?" Twilight asked. "Can I see?"

"Ok." Oak said, showing her his butt. It felt weird.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Twilight yelled when she saw his weird Cutie Mark.

"Twalat?" Applejack asked.

Twilight shot Oak with a purple beam from her horn, pushing him out of the castle and back through a house.

"Twalaght, what's gotten into you?" Applejack asked.

"Don't you recognize that symbol?!" Twilight asked.

"No." Applejack said.

"Ow!" Oak said, getting up. "That hurt!"

"Wait... Why isn't he fighting back?" Twilight asked.

"Why did you shoot me!" Oak shouted.

"I read a book about monsters like that, with that symbol. They're not real ponies!" Twilight declared. "You're monsters, in disguise!"

Her horn glowed, and a big ball of magic charged up on the tip of her horn, and then it became a big laser that shot me, scorching my skin.

"Twilight, he's lost his memory!" Applejack said.

"But... But he's evil! He's a monster!" Twilight yelled.

"I'm... a monster?" I asked, surprised, as I got up.

"Don't listen to her!" Applejack yelled. "Twalat, does this pony seem like a monster to you?"

"YES!" Twilight shouted, flying closer to me and punching me in the face. I was thrown back, and she teleported and kicked me in the head, and then her horn glowed and her magic picked me up, and threw me into the floor again, and again, and again, and again.

"Twilight, stop!" Applejack yelled as Oak started to cry.

"No, he's a monster!" Twilight yelled, throwing him into the ground hard enough to crater it. Her horn glowed, and a big ball of magic formed on its tip. "I'm going to finish you off!"

"No! Please stop hurting me!" Oak yelled.

"Monster!" Twilight shouted, throwing her magic ball at me.

Applejack punched her, and her magic stopped. "Twilight, he's lost his memory! He doesn't know who he is or what he is, and if he's a monster, that don't make him a bad pony! Don't you remember the Manticore?"

"This isn't like the Manticore, Applejack! This is SERIOUS!" Twilight yelled.

"So was the Manticore!" Applejack yelled.

"This is EVEN MORE SERIOUS! That was just a Manticore, the worst that could do is poison us or hurt us. This is a Shadow Dragon! I thought they were just a myth, but Nightmare Moon was supposed to be one, too! And now there's one RIGHT HERE! We have to destroy it NOW, before it destroys all of Equestria!" Twilight yelled.

"Shadow Dragon... is that my name?" Oak asked.

"No, it's your species." Twilight said.

"I like that name. It sounds cooler than Oak." Oak said.

Applejack punched me. "Nothing's cooler than apple trees." She said.

"I'm sorry!" Shadow Dragon said nervously.

"Everypony, stop hurting him!" Apple Bloom yelled. "He's lost his memory! He's scared and confused and frightened, and he doesn't want to hurt anypony!"

"She's right!" Oak shouted.

"Hmmmmmmmm..." Twilight said, casting a truth spell on me. "You really have lost your memory, haven't you?"

"Yes, Twilight." Oak said sadly.

"You're not going to hurt anypony or destroy the town?"

"No, Twilight." Oak said sadly.

"Well... You can stay in town. BUT, I'll require CONSTANT CHECKUPS with you, and I'll need to do more experiments." Twilight said. "And you can't stay in the castle, that's too risky."

"He can sleep in ma barn." Applejack offered.

"I'd like that." Oak admitted. He liked Applejack.

"Well, I guess there's a new pony in town." Applejack said happily.

A pink pony came out of nowhere, and smiled. "Did somepony say there was a new pony in town?!"

Oak screamed.

Comments

[Elric of Melnipony]

"Hey, if you don mand ma askin, wut's that Cyutie Mawrk maen?" Apple Bloom asked, pointing at my butt.
"Wait, sis, I've red abat this!" Apple Bloom said.
"Twaliagt'll know fur sure!" Apple Bloom said.

Don't do this.

Oak asked
I said
Oak admitted
I said
Oak said

Well which is it -- third person or first person?

[thujone]

"Hey, if you don mand ma askin, wut's that Cyutie Mawrk maen?" Apple Bloom asked, pointing at my butt.
"Wait, sis, I've red abat this!" Apple Bloom said.
"Twaliagt'll know fur sure!" Apple Bloom said.

The way you have done their accent needs to be fixed, and the way you have set out your story....
It isn't structured right. It needs proper paragraphs and sentences. At the moment all you have is constant dialogue, and no description of what is happening or the environment the characters are set in. Looking at the later chapters you seem to be getting better at it, but make sure you do things like:

Rainbow Dash felt a shiver down her spine as she walked a steady pace through the dimly lit tunnel. The stones under her hooves were damp and uncomfortable, and she couldn't help but feel a foreboding sense of discomfort.

Instead of simply:
Rainbow Dash walked through the tunnel. She felt scared.

6623710
Also, you should be a bit nicer... that person took the time and effort to draw a more defined character and you just go and shit all over it? Nice job man...

[Harmony Pie]

AMERICAN accent? Arent they umm country ponies?