Oak The Shadow Dragon

by ShadowDragon6

Rainbow Breaks The Limit! Big Mac Shows His Strength!

The ponies assembled looked at Oak's body sadly.

"Oak..." Applejack said sadly, taking off her hat and hiding her face as she cried.

"A... A was just startina like ya." Big Mac said sadly.

"This is serious!" Twilight realized, still exhausted from her last laser attack. "Pinkie!"

"Yep?" Pinkie asked.

"Get Fluttershy and Rarity, we need to use Rainbow Power to defeat him!" Twilight yelled.

"Okay!" Pinkie said happily, diving into a present box and disappearing.

Ashmodeus laughed. "Oh, what a shame. Looks like I'll have to wait a few thousand years for him to reincarnate. I guess I'll just have some fun destroying this planet in the meantime. He liked this town... Maybe I'll just leave this town alive, so I can turn it into my own personal theatre to the beauty that is death. Maybe the sight of that will make Ashmodeus remember how to hate. Maybe his next form won't be a blasted po-"

Rainbow Dash yelled in fury and flew, breaking the sound barrier three times and making a Sonic Rainboom each time, and she punched Ashmodeus in the face hard enough to send him through Canterlot mountain, collapsing half of it on top of him.

He blasted the rubble away and flew up with a sword made of black fire in his hoof. "Black Blaze! One scratch with this, and nothing can put out the fires that'll burn you to nothingness!"

Rainbow Dash flew at his arm, hitting it and letting her rainbow trail slice off both limbs.

Ashmodeus screamed like a little girl, and then Rainbow flew past his head, punching it as she flew past. And then she flew back the other way, punching the face in slow motion. And then she punched his crotch with a flying kick in slow motion, followed by the side of her arm hitting his neck hard enough to crack it in slow motion. Ashmodeus was pushed back away, and Rainbow easily caught him, and kicked down into his crotch, sending him to the ground as his fires went out. "This'll take the Shadow Dragon out of you." Rainbow smirked.

He gasped out a weak breath, the smugness finally gone from him.

She overtook him going down and kicked him into the air hard enough to snap his spine, and the shock on his face was clear.

"I can see what Twilight was saying when she said you things are older than the universe!" Rainbow shouted, kicking him to the side, then in the chin, then in the muzzle, then in the back, then kicking his crotch again and knocking him to the ground. "MY GRANDMA IS FASTER THAN YOOOOOOUUUUUU!"

As he fell, Rainbow screamed in hate, flying downwards with all her might and pushing him faster and faster towards the ground, punching his crotch again and again as he screamed and they both went down, and then they both hit the ground, creating an enormous rainbow nuclear explosion that burned him and broke her arm. He screamed like a little mare as he was destroyed, and when it was over, Rainbow flew in the air above him, a rainbow fire burning on her horribly broken hoof that flapped limply in the air like a really badass cape. "Ow." Was all she said, too cool to say anything else.

Big Mac's jaw dropped, but Applejack had barely noticed. She was too busy looking at Oak's body, and trying not to cry any more. Twilight was eating some grass on the floor to try and get back her strength, and once she'd gotten enough, she started using an energy-draining spell on the grass around her. The grass died and turned brown, and Big Mac noticed. "What're you doing?"

Twilight hopped back up as more and more grass died. "Draining energy from the ground. It's an emergency." With her new power, she cast a healing spell on Oak, fixing his neck. His heart was still beating, so once she fixed that and the bit of spine inside his neck, he'd be fine.

Soon, Oak blinked, purple fire burning around him that healed his body. "Thank... you..." He whispered weakly, his voice still recovering.

Ashmodeus's body got up, black fires burning his wounds closed as he pounced on Rainbow Dash, wrestling her to the ground and biting her wings hard enough for them to sink in. He tore a wing off with his teeth, and then smacked her head into the dirt hard enough to give her a concussion and brain damage, her eyes rolling back in her head. "It's a shame you're not on my side... With strength like yours, you would have made a fine bride."

"RAINBOW!" Applejack yelled.

He kicked her crying form, and bit into her chest, leaving a huge bruise. "After I trained you properly to submit to your superior, that is."

Twilight quickly used what was left of her energy to heal that damage to her head and her hoof, and stop the bleeding, but she didn't have anywhere near enough to fix her wing. She collapsed back down, annoyed.

"Twilight! Can't ya fix her?" Big Mac asked.

"I can't, not without doing permanent town to this town's ecosystem! Nothing would ever grow in this town again if I did that!" Twilight said.

"Then drain ma energy, instead!" Big Mac declared, running over to Twilight and kneeling. "Take ma energy, and fix her!"

"You don't have enough energy for that!" Twilight declared. "I'd kill you and barely be able to stop her bleeding in return!"

Big Mac growled. "Dang it... Why am A always so USELESS when monsters like this threaten ma town?!"

"Hey, Twilight, I got Fluttershy and RarAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Pinkie screamed, and so did the others, when they arrived and she saw Rainbow Dash.

"What did I miss?" Rarity asked, summoning a giant sewing needle and some fabric. "Did that brute do this?"

"Angel Bunny's gathering up the biggest monsters in the Everfree, he'll be here soon." Fluttershy said. And then she saw Rainbow, and started to cry.

"Yes, he did." Twilight said angrily.

"Twilight... Drain my energy." Oak whispered, purple fires burning around him. "I can take it."

"Ok." Twilight said, draining his energy. He screamed, it felt like his fire was being sucked out of him and burning him at the same time, but for Rainbow Dash, he'd suffer through that and worse.

"What's she doing, torturing him to bring out his inner darkness?" Ashmodeus asked, amused.

"...Yes." Twilight lied cleverly.

"Hm. You weak creatures and your friendships... You'd always sell each other out or do whatever you have to when the chips are down, even if it means stabbing the one you called friend."

"So, he can take it, but A can't?!" Big Mac asked angrily, and then he started yelling. "I'm Big Mac! I'm the strongest pony on the planet! Every day, I have to hold back so I don't break my own trees! But you... You can take it, can't you?"

"I can take everything you've got, laugh, and spit it back in your face." Ashmodeus sneered.

"That's what they all say. THEN I BREAK THEM WITHOUT EVEN TRYING! Dang it... Sorry Ma, Pa... I'm finally gonna do it. I'm gonna use ma strength to hurt another thing. On purpose."

"Oh, this is gonna be hilarious." Ashmodeus laughed.

"...You monster... THIS IS MA TOWN, TOOOOOOOO!" Big Mac yelled, rushing forwards.

"Oh, that's adorable." Ashmodeus sneered, intent on taking the attack without flinching.

And then Big Mac crashed into him and kept running, carrying the red-maned black stallion away while red flames rushed out of his body, scorching the ground.

"DAAAAAANG IIIIIIIIIIIIT!" Ashmodeus shouted. "Is what I'd say if I couldn't do this."

Ashmodeus wrapped his tail around Big Mac, crushing his neck in a second.

The larger pony fell to the ground, useless, and Ashmodeus landed on his rear. "I meant to do that." Ashmodeus said.

"Black Blade!" Ashmodeus yelled, forming his sword of black flames and burning Big Mac into nothingness.

"Big Mac!" Applejack yelled.

"What was that?" Ashmodeus asked, laughing. "What even was that?"

"He did that on purpose!" Twilight thought, realizing it. "He wanted to make sure we could get Rainbow's body!"

Twilight's magic drained more energy from Oak, but he closed his mouth, not wanting to give anything away even as it felt like a hundred supernovas were being shoved into his eye sockets.

Finally, it stopped, and Oak fell to the ground as Twilight's overflowing magic healed the bleeding Rainbow Dash, skin and blue fur growing over the winghole left behind.

"Big Mac... You might not say much, but there always was more to you than met the eye." Twilight thought as Rainbow Dash got back up.

Pinkie rushed over to her and carried her back to Twilight. "Mommy... I'm sorry. I didn't want to be slow any more."

"I'm not your Mom." Pinkie said quietly, not sure what to say now that it wasn't time for joking around.

"Finally... We're all back together." Twilight said, as the six Elements of Harmony got ready to face down Ashmodeus - Except for Rainbow, who just stared into the distance.

Twilight activated Rainbow Power, and they all transformed. Rainbow grew back her missing wing, and her broken hoof, and she suddenly felt way better. She joined her friends in staring down Ashmodeus, hating him now more than ever.

Oak stared at how beautiful they were, especially Twilight, Pinkie, Rainbow, and sweet, sweet Applejack. The other two looked kinda dumb. He wished he had an awesome transformation of his own.

"OOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!!!" Ashmodeus shouted. "It's happening! You six, you're the ones destined to kill every last one of the Shadow Dragons, aren't you?"

"What?" Oak asked, surprised.

"That's right... Every last one!" Ashmodeus said, smiling. "They're going to destroy us all."

"That's a lie!" Applejack yelled. "We'd never hurt Oak!"

"And when Twilight tortured my little brother Nixhilus with that spell of hers?"

"I AM NOT YOUR BROTHER!" Oak shouted. "And she was draining my energy, so we could pull this off!"

"Really? Dang, and I thought you'd finally found yourself a mare with a backbone. Oh, who am I kidding! You couldn't get a mare if she didn't have any bones left in her body!" Ashmodeus laughed.

"Laugh while you still can! With this power, we can finally defeat you!" Oak yelled.

The six ponies floated together and shot a huge rainbow beam at Ashmodeus, who dodged. But Oak was faster, and he punched Ashmodeus back into the beam.

"Why, Nixhilus... Why would you do this to your own brother?" Ashmodeus asked as he fell back into the rainbow beam.

"You're not my brother... AND MY NAME! IS! OOOOOOAAAAAK!" Oak yelled, firing his own purple beam from his mouth into the rainbow explosion that grew bigger and bigger before finally exploding, making everything white.

Comments

[Pinkies Imagination]

6632541 i think he means, mares always have the rounded snout. When stallions have the boxed snout. Its just confusing is all.

[Pinkies Imagination]

Mmmm yeah. You definitly need to work on sentance structure. Also all these charecters feel kind of... Meh to me.

If you want the help im quite experienced in writing, evident from my profile. Im also labled as an expert proofreader on the proofreader doc.

Also, i think you should go back and improve chapters before you make more. If people are not enjoying the story there must be a clear problem with it, and just adding more chapters without fixing it gives you a bad rep of not listening to feedback.

My first story i made got 4 upvotes to 35 downvotes. I immedietly went back and revised it all before posting more. And now it's one of my most succesful stories, sitting in a 3 part series.

[Hairy Konquerer]

You should carefully pick which characters to kill off and not to. Also how is this in any way a Dragon Ball Z crossover. I don't see the tag nor references to Shenron or anything else.

[Blackguard]

6631001

No. I don't. I just have a crapton of immature haters downvoting everything I write for including an OC. And like three or so people giving actual useful criticism. I've been under a lot of pressure lately, shit's going on with my cousin, and I'm not sure if this site actually has a "Block person" function, but it should. Just like you should only be able to upvote or downvote a story if you leave a comment instead of hiding behind an anonymous shield like all my pathetic haters.

This is exactly what I was mentioning. You call your "haters" immature when you yourself are showing no maturity whatsoever. If you truly are as you like to think you are then rise above it if you can. People have an opinion and posting on this site allows them to give you their opinion on your story. If they don't like it, then that's their decision. Hiding behind personal problems and saying that they should only be able to give thumbs up or down if they leave a comment is meaningless. You'd just get people saying, "your story sucks" or "your story is great" in order to leave that ranking. If so, what's the point?

Haters can and should take an Attitude Adjustment.

As should you. This is a two way street.

1, Fair point. I'm training and improving.

The first step here is to redo the first chapter with the appropriate additions. For example you say:

"Oh." I said. "That's weird."

"What is?" She asked.

"I'm a pony." I admitted.

When you could be saying something like,

"Oh, " I mumbled while marveling at where my hand should have been. I must have been really dazed or out of it because I should have been panicking but all I could think of saying was, "that's weird."

"What is?" the pony asked cocking her head to the side as if trying to see what was, at least to her, a normal looking hoof.

"I'm a pony, " I said matter-of-factly as if that wasn't apparent to anybody or possibly anypony in this case.

2, Also fair point. I'm not from america, but Applejack sounds American to me.

I don't know what country you're from but I would imagine that you have regional dialects where people from a specific part speak differently than those in another part of the country. This is why Applejack typically talks in an accent that has been described as "southern", "rural" or "down home" to differentiate it from other accents like "West Coast", "Minnesotan", "Bostonian" or "Jersey".

3, That's the name of the symbol. The spinny purple thing. Sharingan. You... don't know this?

The symbol, by that name, only exists in Naruto. I'll admit I don't watch it and I have no interest in it. So my question would be, why would you have this as your cutie mark unless it's somehow a Naruto crossover? If it's not a crossover, why call it a Sharingan?

A lot of shows don't really do anything in the first chapter, and I was trying to not rush through things too fast. But ok. I'll try and put in more action from now on.

And this is where you're wrong. The first chapter of any book, story or television series needs to have the hook. It needs to grab your attention and make the reader in this case want to come back and read more. No need to go overboard, but so far at least for me there's been no hook. It's just stuff going on. You don't need more action, you just need to be able to weave a story and that's something that nobody can teach you but you need to figure out on your own.

Could you remove your downvote if I improve?

Depends on how your story goes. You've got seven chapters so far. I briefly skimmed the last one you put up today and I'm still not impressed. You're lacking in characterization. Characters are just there and two-dimensional. They have no motives other than what they're written as. The only one that can say to be fleshed out in any way is, no surprise here, your OC and even then it's marginal at best.

Speaking honestly, you really need an editor to help you with this story. I suggest you find a group on this site to help you with this. And if the story with their help improves I'd be glad to take away the down vote.

[staryoshi06]

6632541 Most stallions don't look like big mac. Also, speaking of clones of Apples, it looks like a clone of Applejack, further contributing to people thinking it is a mare.

[Demented_Brony]

When the picture is just a blatant Applejack recolor, you know your in for a good time

[Polyblankis]

Can you please re-write this? and look at AJ's accent a little more. Right now it's' cringe-worthy. I recommend looking for an editor.

[Skymaster9929]

Keep going, kid, and don't let haters get you down. I actually read it, and it's sweet. A bit weird at times, and the toilet humor isn't exatcly funny, but try to put in more original ideas, I can tell who's who.

[IMNOTHERE889]

Im not sure whether youve improved in your latest chapters or not, but, if you have, I suggest going back and fixing up things in the first one. I find it very hard to read the first chapter without getting bored and doing something else.

Also, to quote some random brony from the internet:
"Apple Bloom and Big Mac's accent is less noticable, whereas Applejack's is a little thicker. Granny Smith's is the thickest of them all."

>Apple Bloom is gibberish.

Honestly. While this story has more upvotes than it, it has more downvotes than my worst story, Death to the Dash!. The title is self explanatory, and this has more downvotes than that?
Yeesh.

[ShadowDragon6]

6798863 yeah i have a lot of haters. How do I improve?

[ShadowDragon6]

6664587 YOU ARE SO NICE THANK YOU

[IMNOTHERE889]

6802743 I suggest fixing up the first chapter a bit, and make sure to capture the reader's attention.
>Try making the first line eye catching; so that the reader would want to read on. You also need to fix up the perspectives: you go from 'I' to 'Oak' and back to 'I'. Add a few more details, instead of just things at that. For example: when there is dialogue. You can't just leave it up to the readers to think up something after a character says a line. Like, what do you do when talking? Try to add things like that.

Oh yeah, and, fix up those accents. Apple Bloom is in complete tibberish, its almost impossible to read her.

Oh yeah, and, if you have't applied what I said to the later chapters, DO IT.
Do it now.

Hope this helps, I might come back and re-read the first chapter later.

[ShadowDragon6]

6867962 Yeah