LAST TIME ON OAK THE SHADOW DRAGON
"KA-BEEEEEEWWWWWM!" Ashmodeus yelled, exploding half of Manehattan.
Oak kissed Twilight, who blushed.
An explosion happened, and ponyville was on fire.
"I left the oven on!" Twilight yelled, scared.
"DOOOODGE!" Pinkie yelled as Rainbow dodged Ashmodeus's attacks.
Pinkie threw a sink at Ashmodeus.
"You're an idiot." Ashmodeus told Oak.
"You suck!" Oak said to Ashmodeus.
"I'm your brother!" Ashmodeus told Oak, who gasped.
"Audible gasp!" Pinkie yelled.
"I'll destroy this planet, unless you kill one hundred ponies before this planet's sun sets!" Ashmodeus shouted, flying off.
"One hundred?" Pinkie gasped.
"One hundred!" Oak yelled.
"That's as many as ten tens!" Twilight shouted.
"And that's terrible!" Oak yelled. "What do I do now?"
AND NOW, ON OAK THE SHADOW DRAGON
"What do I do?" Oak asked Twilight, Pinkie, and Rainbow Dash.
"Not kill a hundred ponies." Rainbow said.
"But then he'll kill everyone!" Oak said, scared.
"Not if we stop him first!" Rainbow said fearlessly.
"But he's too strong, even for me!" Oak said sadly.
"But he isn't too strong for our main mare, Twilight, right?" Rainbow asked, petting Twilight.
"Actually... When I blasted him at full power..." Twilight said.
00
The black stallion started to fire black balls of energy out of his mouth, and Rainbow dodged them all by flying really fast.
"Wheeeeeee!" Pinkie said happily, as if this was a rollercoaster ride to her.
Twilight shot a huge laser beam at the black stallion, who smirked as black energy burned around him, the spell's energy washing around him.
"That black stallion, Ashmodeus... he didn't seem bothered at all." Twilight said. "That black energy of his... it's stronger than my magic."
"As long as he can do that thing with the energy, you can't hurt him." Oak agreed.
"So, let's beat him up until he can't do it any more! Then Twilight finishes him off with a laser to the face." Rainbow decided.
"Can we really do that?" Oak asked, loving how confident and beautiful she was.
"Of course! By the way, I can understand you looking like a pony because you woke up here, but... Why does that jackass-modeus look like a pony?" Rainbow asked.
Pinkie gasped.
"I meant jackass as in donkey." Rainbow said, and Pinkie ungasped.
"I can explain that. These Shadow Dragons take the form of whatever being is the dominant species of this universe. Their true forms are bigger than planets. They can get closer and closer to their true forms to boost their power, but they get tired afterwards." Twilight said.
"That makes sense." Rainbow said.
"So... what do we do?" Oak asked.
"I bet Rarity has a punch of pony dolls we could dress up to look like dead ponies!" Pinkie said happily.
"I don't think he's going to be fooled by that." Rainbow said. "Rarity's dolls are ugly."
"Hold on, girls!" Twilight said, grinning. "I have a plan!"
"In the name of nothingness! When will this day END?" Ashmodeus wondered, glaring up at the sun with absolute hatred while eating a chunk of purple meat. There were a bunch of pony corpses around him, and the body of Stephen Magnet in four small parts.
He continued to glare up at the sun that... hadn't moved... all day... even a little.
On a planet where a telekinetic powerful enough to move suns lived... and ruled the world with her easily-corruptable sister and her idiot cousin, and her favourite toy.
Inside his head, there was an egg timer.
It rang.
"OH, THOSE SONS OF-" Ashmodeus yelled, black and red flames burning around him. Opening his mouth wide, he fired a huge flaming fire blast at Ponyville that could wipe out a third of the town with one move.
But Twilight dropped down and blocked it with a magic shield, falling to the ground in exaustedness.
"YOU!" Ashmodeus yelled.
Oak dropped down and kicked Ashmodeus in the head. "ME!" Oak yelled happily, flipping over and following it up with a series of punches, before spinning and kicking like Applejack had trained him. He barely felt it.
"Nixhilus... Would you really defy your own brother?" Ashmodeus asked, not caring about the hooves in his face.
"I'll defy the whole world if I have to!" Oak yelled, punching him in the face over and over. "And MY NAME! IS! OAK!"
A blast of red flames launched him back, and Ashmodeus got up, angry.
"Oh, you lesser beings... You think you're so clever." Ashmodeus growled. "You've only stalled for time."
"Yeah, well... You suck." Oak said.
Ashmodeus growled and flew off, red and black energy around him.
"We scared him off!" Oak said happily.
Ashmodeus reappeared with a little pink filly in his hands. Berry Pinch, the daughter of the town drunk Berry Punch. She was terrified, and she squirmed in his hands to try and get out.
Ashmodeus snapped her neck with a quick twist of his hooves, letting her body fall to the floor. And then he kicked it over to a horrified Twilight, Oak, Pinkie, and Rainbow, letting its empty, dead eyes stare up at them, face frozen in horror.
Oak stared at Berry Pinch, tears forming in his eyes as he stared into the unmoving eyes of the dead foal.
"You monster..." Twilight growled.
"Oh?" Ashmodeus asked, smirking. "Got something to say, Pony?"
"YOU MONSTER!" Twilight shouted, magic glowing as she tore up a big chunk of her crystal castle and slammed it into Ashmodeus's face, sending him back through the ground in a massive trench that crushed buildings and left a huge canyon in the ground.
When it was far away enough, she used her magic, and pulled the crystal into the air, slamming it point-first on Ashmodeus's black-scaled skin, on his stomach, and spun it like a drill as he screamed, black scales flying everywhere.
Twilight screamed, rearing up and going down as her magic slammed the crystal down so hard into Ashmodeus's skin that it started to crack and collapse in on itself like a tower, breaking completely.
And when the crystal had completely collapsed into shards, Twilight shoved those shards into Ashmodeus's body through the mouth and eyes, tearing it apart from the inside out.
And all Oak could do was stare at the dead foal, while some new, strange feeling overtook him. It didn't feel like anger. It didn't feel like anything he'd ever felt before.
It was hate.
Ashmodeus roared as black flames burned the crystal and her, and he flew up to punch her back down to the ground where the other fighters stood.
He flew down at her as he made a sword out of black flames and prepared to attack, but some rope went around his neck and pulled tight, putting a hoof on her rope and throwing him to the ground, face-first, hard enough to make a giant crater.
Oak looked to the side and saw Applejack there, rope in her hoof, and Big Mac, aiming for a buck as an apple fell towards his hooves. Ashmodeus got back up, really angry.
"Applejack!" Oak yelled happily.
Big Mac bucked an Apple into Ashmodeus's face, breaking the muzzle and getting apple stuff in his eyes.
Oak jumped on the chance and rushed forwards to pin Ashmodeus down and punch him over and over and over again, and finally finish it with a backwards kick that knocked him away. And then he spun around and kicked air pressure at him, which hit the foe even though his black hooves didn't.
"IMPOSSIBLE!" Ashmodeus yelled as he was pushed away, right into a house Twilight threw at him, and then she fired a huge laser beam that tore up the whole town while blasting him until he vanished.
Twilight collapsed, exhausted. "That's it... That's all of my energy."
Oak stood there, amazed.
"It's... over." He said.
"By the way, not dead." Ashmodeus said, suddenly appearing behind him and grabbing him, flying into the air. "KthxDIE."
Ashmodeus slammed Oak head-first into the ground, breaking his neck.
"OOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAK!" Applejack shouted.
This story is now rated T for Teen. That should help stem the tide of babies that downvote without leaving comments.
6623707
Seriously? Then why does he look like a mare?
6623759
Nope. You'll get more critics headed your way, since you added more tags and changed some around (which will end up giving your story more spotlight from people looking for mysteries and thrillers, since new tags and all.) And if we were babies, we wouldn't have access to the computers at all, most likely.
And this is coming from someone who's done 37 stories minimum on here. I say that because I went and deleted some of my earliest works.
6624153 I'll get more critics? Good. I want intelligent people to read my story. If they hate it, then they should say what they hated and what I could improve on. You know, actual criticism. None of the crap I deal with daily.
Edit: Look at how many people downvoted. Then look at how many of those donvoters had the balls to actually leave a comment, instead of hiding behind an anomynity shield. I see a few commenters have deleted their comments (Though I'm not deleting my comments that replied to theirs), so they also lack balls. Good to know.
6624218 Please define 'intelligent people' as you see them, please. I'm half-awake, and afraid I don't really follow here.
6623798 I didn't shit on that character. I said the Shadow Dragon thing is integral to Oak's character and the story. Changing him to a fan-making pony (How do you even get there from Shadow Dragon?) would both demote him to a lower tier and make the story less cool.
6623993 Same reason Rock Lee has weird eyes: It's the character design.
6623798 You're good at descriptions. I'll try and do that more often. Thanks fro the help! :)
why...didn't...he...DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGE!
6624278 No, sorry, I never drew that part. But yeah, TFS reference. Thanks for being the first one to get it. :)
6623707 Oh, you're one of those people.
'I like how mares look but I don't want a mare OC so he's a stallion.'
If they are a stallion then make them look like one.
6624218
You know, I was going to leave some detailed feedback on this. But after reading your comments, I really can't be bothered to do so. You're combative and seem to have this "better than thou" attitude thing going on. I can forgive the latter if you actually had anything of substance to offer but you don't. So, you're getting the short list.
1) Talking head syndrome: Too much dialogue but not enough actions. The characters speak but you don't say what else they might be doing. Think of when you talk to a friend, what are you doing during that time? Messing with your hair, checking your messages, looking at something far away? Give us something to work with.
2) Writing an idiom: It's hard to read what Applejack and Apple Bloom are saying. Try toning the whole "yokel" thing down a bit. And a minor point, "American" is not an accent. "Southern" is typically the term used after all you don't hear people like that in New York or Minnesota now do you?
3) Is this some sort of Naruto crossover? The whole "Sharingan" means nothing in and of itself.
4) It's dull. First chapter in and I'm bored silly in part due to the problems listed and also because there's no real characterization going on with your OC.
So that's it. Thumbs down and those are my reasons.
6626102 "Those people"? Explain more, please.
6630739 No. I don't. I just have a crapton of immature haters downvoting everything I write for including an OC. And like three or so people giving actual useful criticism. I've been under a lot of pressure lately, shit's going on with my cousin, and I'm not sure if this site actually has a "Block person" function, but it should. Just like you should only be able to upvote or downvote a story if you leave a comment instead of hiding behind an anonymous shield like all my pathetic haters.
I don't think I'm better than anything else. I welcome critics, they will help me to grow and improve. Haters can and should take an Attitude Adjustment.
Thanks for telling me you're leaving a downvote. And those are legitimate points! I'll now address them.
1, Fair point. I'm training and improving.
2, Also fair point. I'm not from america, but Applejack sounds American to me.
3, That's the name of the symbol. The spinny purple thing. Sharingan. You... don't know this?
4. A lot of shows don't really do anything in the first chapter, and I was trying to not rush through things too fast. But ok. I'll try and put in more action from now on. Could you remove your downvote if I improve?
6630981 It really annoys me when people make a stallion that looks like a mare. If you want your OC to look like a mare, make it a mare.
The reason the ponies are designed that way is to make it easy to tell what their sex is.
6631962 Why would it annoy you? Whether a stallion looks like a stallion or not is something small and utterly up to the author. If you don't like how an OC doesn't look like a Big Mac clone, learn to be more tolerant.
6621564 Also, thanks for trying. I need to be nicer to people that aren't asses. You are not an ass.