"So, my new sis-in-law. I've been meaning to ask you this: what happened to the three unicorns that tried to stop us when we left the caverns?" asked Twilight
"You mean the bridesmaids?" asked Cadance.
"Yeah."
"Well as I recall, they jumped after the bouquet that I threw into..."
the realization dawned on the newlywed Princess
"The depths of the caverns." finished the lavender mare, who also had the sudden epiphany.
"Oh. Crap."
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Fallen Angels - Dio
RIP Ronnie James Dio, 7/10/42 - 5/16/10
God damn you! I was planning on writing something like this!
This could really turn out to be interesting. :)
And as for the other unicorn: http://youtu.be/wZ9FhZDboRA
Your commas are a little misplaced, but the idea seems to be working. I like.
Interesting. The grammar's not too good though.
The premise is awesome, but your grammar needs a lot of work.
Looking forward to what's coming next.
Btw, I'm new here, so is there an option to track a story? New chapters or something?
it's about time. I don't have time to read it now. Fav'd and I'll read it later.
601571 If you click the star to 'fave' it, then hover over the star, it should bring up an 'email' checkbox.
601725 Thanks!
i wrote this same situation, but im sure you have done it better than me, I'll give it a read when i get a chance
Omfg!!!
I turn on my iPod and head to the website, and I'm shocked to see 44 notifications!
Usually I get from 1-7 notifications, but this is crazy! I appreciate all the people that have read and and commented on my stories. Read on, my friends. Read on!!! ( that sounded kinda corny)
Far too short, great vocabulary, grammar is a little awkward, but it's an excellent idea. Good job
Wow, even I forgot the name of the third pony.
I liek the green light saber.
601182 Actually, I think she is named in merchandise: Twinkle Shine. But I was calling her Cotton Candy before I gave a flying feather what her canon name was, so whatevs.
"Sadly, the colt passed away while they were still engaged, due to a freak accident at the Rainbow Factory." Oh dear god... Poor, poor pony...
601733
you could also click the book with the clock in the top right hand corner (next to the story name) and that's your read later list
1.3k words total.
Lyra is best pony.
Just putting that out there.
Interesting, fun read; chapters are short but I might use that to my advantage when I need a quick read during busy times. Lets see what this becomes, tracking.
i361.photobucket.com/albums/oo54/crackysparkles/sparkles/sparkle.gif
603843
True dat.
>>To Everypony Else
I do understand that my writing style uses short chapters. That just means that there will be many chapters.
On the note of the grammar, I just hope that it wasn't so bad as to be incomprehensible.
God I need an editor...
605001 Uh, if you're interested I can proofread these two chapters. I'm already doing this for one other person so I do have some kind of experience when it comes to proofreading and editing. But overall I find this story really interesting and the grammar problems aren't that major to be honest.
603489
Thankyou!
602959
I actually saw that as a tag on a picture. I'll use that as the name for the other unicorn, unless someone else says its not her name.
Good. Still some grammar problems, but it seems okay.
Also, the ponies don't seem exactly in character; it doesn't seem obvious that they would do the things they do.
618145
Well, considering the main characters are background ponies and they don't have a canon personality, anything would be considered correct. Right?
I'm actually not sure myself...
618826 yes but there are widely accepted character traits for lyra and colgate (i think)
628521
Ah.
The chapters are very short. Makes it hard for me to get in the mood of the story. You might want to think of making longer ones.
749803
Ill try that in the future. Right now I'm focusing on finishing my other stories first.
The beginning was pretty funny to me. They were all falling to their deaths, only mildly annoyed, as Colgate calmly recollected bits and pieces of their collective pasts. After that, though, everything seemed terribly rushed. I'm writing this after having read the next two chapters as well, and the progression of ideas just seems too fast, like you're only trying to get to a point with as little trouble as possible. If you are trying to do that, trying to reach your destination quickly, then you're missing out on a huge part of storytelling: the adventure.
Seriously, take a bit of time to establish a setting, set a mood, and give the characters more life. Something that really stuck out at me was in this chapter, after the boulders fell and the third unicorn was trapped. Apart from being a really contrived way of removing her from the story (unless she comes back, later) it didn't seem all that important. Neither Lyra nor Colgate seemed bothered in the slightest, at least not enough to use their unicorn telekinesis to even try to help. At the very least, they could have spent a few more seconds considering the implications what just happened.
Sure, Colgate stared in shock for a few, and Lyra was surprisingly up to date with the situation, but why wasn't Colgate at all shocked by Lyra's brevity in leaving the third unicorn behind? Why did none of her body language, inflections, or expressions portray how nervous she was at the prospect of dying in the caves? Or is she just going to stare some more, cause that's all she's done in this chapter.
Sorry to be overbearing, but I want just want to address this because your story is going in a good direction, it's just that it's movement is too rushed. This also includes what I'm assuming is the ColgatexLyra romance aspect of the story. Seriously, calm down a bit before having the characters ask themselves the Why have I never felt this way, before? questions. Drop subtle hints along with positive character interaction, build up potential for the relationship before actually forming a relationship. It takes more than a few awkward laughs and warm smiles before two characters are willing to walk to the ends of the earth with each other, and it definitely takes more than ripping a dress.
Keep on trucking, yo. You're in a good way.