MLP FiM Fanfic: Escape from the Crystal Caverns
By: Lucario247
Prologue: The Fall
During their decent, the three unicorns regained control of their minds. The blue unicorn, Colgate, looked at the bouquet that was falling below them. That single bouquet was the reason for the three unicorns' predicament. Colgate looked at the other two bridesmaids that were plunging into the caverns with her. The mint green one, Lyra, looked somewhat annoyed at the fact that they were probably going to die when they hit the ground, if they hit the ground. The other unicorn was screaming. Colgate couldn't remember her name. She and Lyra hadn't had a chance to really talk to her, since they were trailing behind Princess Cadence, helping with decisions. Actually it was the imposter Cadence that they followed around. The one that hypnotized them to guard the entrance of the caves.
Colgate wondered how the other unicorn knew Cadence. Colgate knew The Princess because, Colgate was actually the first patient of Cadence's PHD in love doctoring. The Pegasus colt that she had been arguing with all those years ago had actually proposed the day they met the Princess of Love. Sadly, the colt passed away while they were still engaged, due to a freak accident at the Rainbow Factory. She still wondered about the life they could've shared, but that was beside the point.
Lyra said she knew the Princess because, like Twilight Sparkle, Cadence used to foalsit Lyra, back when she lived in Canterlot. They had become good friends, growing up, until Lyra moved to Ponyville. It was quite the shock when the two Ponyville mates had been asked to serve as bridesmaids to the lovely Miss Meamoré Cadenza.
However, neither Colgate nor Lyra had seen the other unicorn before in their lives. Maybe she was another foal she foalsat for, or maybe a personal acquaintance. Whatever it was, it didn't matter now. Because the three of them were plunging to their possible death.
Colgate looked and saw the bottom of the cavern was rushing towards them. Going into survival instinct mode, she used her magic to try to levitate herself. Lyra and the other mare saw this and copied her idea.
Unfortunately, they had been to clustered together. So when they landed they each bounced into the air. Colgate landed on something soft, maybe a discarded mattress or something. But when she opened her eyes, a pair of bright gold ones stared back. Lyra's face was at the closest it could possibly be without their lips actually meeting. An oval of redness appeared under each golden eye.
They were interrupted by the scream of the other bridesmaid. Colgate looked over and saw that she was scrambling not to slip over the edge of the crystal balcony.
"Help!" she pleaded as her flat hooves provided little grip on the flat ground, causing her to slide towards the edge.
Colgate jumped off of Lyra and ran as fast as she could towards the slipping pony. She was about to pull her up with her magic, when the unicorn lost her grip and slid over the edge.
Colgate watched as she fell. The ground was maybe twenty feet down from the ledge. The unicorn twisted in midair and grabbed onto a jutting rock with her magic. She was stretching to put her hoof onto it when the rock came loose, along with a landslide of smaller rocks and a giant boulder. She landed on the ground with a loud thump, and looked up at the rushing avalanche of crystal heading her way. She looked up at the mares from Ponyville, and then jumped out of the way as the boulder smashed into the room twenty feet below.
Colgate stared in shock as a few pebbles rolled down, signifying that there was no way back for the other mare from the way she came. Lyra was beside Colgate, looking down at the rubble. She still had some red under her eyes, but it was quickly fading. She got up and pulled Colgate away from the edge.
"Cmon. We'd better not think about her if we want to escape this place." said Lyra, who was surprisingly up to speed with the current situation.
Colgate stared for a moment and then nodded, sayin, "Escape from the Crytsal Cavern."
Your commas are a little misplaced, but the idea seems to be working. I like.
Interesting. The grammar's not too good though.
Wow, even I forgot the name of the third pony.
"Sadly, the colt passed away while they were still engaged, due to a freak accident at the Rainbow Factory." Oh dear god... Poor, poor pony...
The beginning was pretty funny to me. They were all falling to their deaths, only mildly annoyed, as Colgate calmly recollected bits and pieces of their collective pasts. After that, though, everything seemed terribly rushed. I'm writing this after having read the next two chapters as well, and the progression of ideas just seems too fast, like you're only trying to get to a point with as little trouble as possible. If you are trying to do that, trying to reach your destination quickly, then you're missing out on a huge part of storytelling: the adventure.
Seriously, take a bit of time to establish a setting, set a mood, and give the characters more life. Something that really stuck out at me was in this chapter, after the boulders fell and the third unicorn was trapped. Apart from being a really contrived way of removing her from the story (unless she comes back, later) it didn't seem all that important. Neither Lyra nor Colgate seemed bothered in the slightest, at least not enough to use their unicorn telekinesis to even try to help. At the very least, they could have spent a few more seconds considering the implications what just happened.
Sure, Colgate stared in shock for a few, and Lyra was surprisingly up to date with the situation, but why wasn't Colgate at all shocked by Lyra's brevity in leaving the third unicorn behind? Why did none of her body language, inflections, or expressions portray how nervous she was at the prospect of dying in the caves? Or is she just going to stare some more, cause that's all she's done in this chapter.
Sorry to be overbearing, but I want just want to address this because your story is going in a good direction, it's just that it's movement is too rushed. This also includes what I'm assuming is the ColgatexLyra romance aspect of the story. Seriously, calm down a bit before having the characters ask themselves the Why have I never felt this way, before? questions. Drop subtle hints along with positive character interaction, build up potential for the relationship before actually forming a relationship. It takes more than a few awkward laughs and warm smiles before two characters are willing to walk to the ends of the earth with each other, and it definitely takes more than ripping a dress.
Keep on trucking, yo. You're in a good way.