Reunions can either be the most wonderful event or a mixed blessing.
For Fleetfoot, it might be the latter.
While on an assignment at the nameless village Starlight Glimmer once oversaw, Fleetfoot encounters her twin sister, Night Glider. While she hopes to reconnect with her, Night Glider is less than enthusiastic at these turn of events. However, Fleetfoot yearns to heal old wounds and bring her closer together with her sister.
Naturally, it won't be simple.
Thanks to Mr Ghostman for pre-reading this story.
Chapters (1)
Okay. So the story went in a different direction than I thought it would, from point of view wise. But I won't talk about that and focus on what it is now.
First off, some pointers:
Adding depressed is redundant, we know she’s sad because she frowns.
Time mixup.
You've been doing good at showing Fleetfoot's emotions and thoughts without outright saying it, until the bolded sentence. It's just telling what we were thinking, and it breaks the allusion.
Uh, quick reaction time, considering it had been almost two whole years since they last saw each other. It feels too quick, like it had only been a week. Night Glider even sounds like it had only been a week by saying "what compelled you to follow me?"
Now that I got that out of the way, onto my thoughts. I'm a little surprised you went with Fleetfoot's point of view rather than Night Glider, but I'm not going to get in to details with that part.
...I think the biggest thing from this story I found confusing was Night Glider's personality jumping all over the place. First she's not happy to see Fleetfoot, then she decides to play a joke on her, and being helpful when working on the beams, then goes into questioning her why she's nicer. The point is I think you either were too quick on her feelings towards Fleetfoot, or the steps you took with her feelings towards Fleetfoot were disconnected and out of order. You did good on the flashback part, and it does make sense why she would feel negatively towards her sister. But it just feels like it didn't last that long, and ended right after they reunited; and the rest of the story was just... um conflicting up until the ending. "Do I still hold ill feelings towards her or do I just pretend it never happened? Night Glider asked herself, while reading her script, over and over again.
I think most of what I had problems with were on Night Glider's part. Fleetfoot's role fits well with the guilt that is kept inside her for most of the story. And you did a fine job at showing their emotions through your writing.
Again, my only complaint with this was that it didn't seem like Night Glider new what she was supposed to feel towards Fleetfoot in the story, which made the whole scene of her forgiving and accepting her sister again seem lackluster.
I'm sorry if it seems like I didn't enjoy it much because I said more bad than good, but it really wasn't bad at all. I hope this all helps you.
5857517 Thanks for the critique. I'll try to write something good for next time.
5857521
I said it wasn't bad, that didn't mean it wasn't good.
YA! A story on one of my favorite ponies that talked but probably won't return!
5857826 We can be hopeful that she will return.
Don't give up just yet.
5857582 Sorry for the late reply. Just wanted to say that you're critique was very helpful and I appreciate all of the advice you provided. I'll make sure to address these and other critiques I've received for my next story. Also, I probably misunderstood the 'not bad' part of the critique, so that's on me. My apologies.
Anyway, maybe we could collab during the summer if that's okay with you.
5858712
(That means I'd better kick it into overdrive and finish my projects so I'm open)
I'd love to collab with you! Yes!
5858717 I'll let you know when I'm available to do so. Thanks!
I thought it was a great story. I really liked the idea, that Fleetfoot and Night Glider could be sisters. I also liked the way they interacted with each other and sorted their problems out.
Now I just wonder how the story would be if Fleetfoot came earlier. I mean, actually witnessing everypony without a Cutie Mark and hearing her sister, talking happily about the cutie-unmarking. That would cause some great drama.
5860506 Thanks for the compliments. I'm glad that you enjoyed the story.
Also, it would be interesting if Fleetfoot saw Night Glider slightly earlier and talking about the cutie-unmarking.
I really love the premise that Fleet and Night Glider are sisters. Too cool.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyn8c72yWC1r1x7sq.gif
6026219 They do have a similar design, which is why them being sisters made sense to me in my own headcanon. Also, such a relationship can lead to interesting stories about the pair, which is always nice.