Never thought twilight was such an aggressive pervert...
Well, as awkward as it is to read, I want to see where this ends up. Still... you make me worry about Sweetie Belle, she has just as much to lose as Cheerilee in this. (maybe in different ways) probably more so if Cheer accidentally gets too rough.
I'm reading through all of this right now, and I think I can say that for standard grammar and such, this is the best chapter yet. The long run-on sentences from chapter 1 are gone, the dialog's gotten MUCH more natural, and you're doing a slightly better job with spelling and missing words. The only thing I noticed is that you picked up the habit of spelling minute as minuet, which is something entirely different. Anyways, I'm really into this story, and you're getting better as a writer. I know I'm still not nearly caught up so I have no idea how the rest of the chapters are going to be, but I just wanted to put it out there that this chapter is better than any of the previous chapters.
on the next episode of MLP behind the magic as there love for eachother grows so does the threats of there dirty little secret being exposed will rarity find out about it and if so how will she react, why am i asking these questions when the next episode has been out for a long time and will i ever get out of this asylum or at the very least out of this straight jacket and is the b lood coming from my mouth mine or someone elses. find out on the next episode of dra- i mean MLP behind the magic.
This page auto refreshed deleting everything. So in a nut shell. You got more than a few uncapped words that need capitalizing (and Canerlot magic lab (Magic Lab) needs to be capped). Also there are a lot of scenes where you don't space your paragraphs. Mostly between iitalicized words, thougths, and flash backs.
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Yes, Twilight is quite the naughty mare. She should go to Cheerilee and Sweets to get "punished" ^_^. Never happens, but still that was hilarrious. Even with the errors in it, this chapter was good.
Never thought twilight was such an aggressive pervert...
Well, as awkward as it is to read, I want to see where this ends up.
Still... you make me worry about Sweetie Belle, she has just as much to lose as Cheerilee in this. (maybe in different ways) probably more so if Cheer accidentally gets too rough.
moar plox
559540
Oh it'll get better....
I'm reading through all of this right now, and I think I can say that for standard grammar and such, this is the best chapter yet. The long run-on sentences from chapter 1 are gone, the dialog's gotten MUCH more natural, and you're doing a slightly better job with spelling and missing words. The only thing I noticed is that you picked up the habit of spelling minute as minuet, which is something entirely different.
Anyways, I'm really into this story, and you're getting better as a writer. I know I'm still not nearly caught up so I have no idea how the rest of the chapters are going to be, but I just wanted to put it out there that this chapter is better than any of the previous chapters.
Hm...Twilight is taking this too well, her heart broken and then she clops to her old lover with another? I don't get it.
...what did i just read...
TWI: u watched sweetie belle and cheerilee do it while i masturbated as i watched them.
ME: oh...right.
static.fjcdn.com/pictures/I_5e4fdd_1857619.jpg
Twilight you naughty little minx, I would totally do that in her position.
e621.net/data/2c/4a/2c4a4732a1573fad0fb584a0cb5c2083.gif
on the next episode of MLP behind the magic as there love for eachother grows so does the threats of there dirty little secret being exposed will rarity find out about it and if so how will she react,
why am i asking these questions when the next episode has been out for a long time and
will i ever get out of this asylum or at the very least out of this straight jacket
and is the b lood coming from my mouth mine or someone elses.
find out on the next episode of dra- i mean MLP behind the magic.
1831177
I think I would have remembered you if I had Fcuked with your mind.
This page auto refreshed deleting everything. So in a nut shell. You got more than a few uncapped words that need capitalizing (and Canerlot magic lab (Magic Lab) needs to be capped). Also there are a lot of scenes where you don't space your paragraphs. Mostly between iitalicized words, thougths, and flash backs.
________________
Yes, Twilight is quite the naughty mare. She should go to Cheerilee and Sweets to get "punished" ^_^. Never happens, but still that was hilarrious. Even with the errors in it, this chapter was good.