Alright... two parts of me are conflicted:

One part of me wants to know where this is headed

Another part of me wants to run the fuck away, screaming in madness... and not in a good way.

549229

Well hopefully you'll stick around! This story is just getting started!^^

Hmm... the pervert in me approves!

549242

Okay, could you possibly give more than a emoticon? lol

In the first sentence, Cheerilee is misspelled.

549260

Crap! will fix! see i never really knew the proper spelling for her name! >.<

- my reactions

And also

549281

No one is level-headed when affected by alcohol... you can do some really crazy shit when intoxicated.

549281

Okay, I understand your point of view. and i respect it.

and with Sweetie Belle and Cheerilee being out of character, when you really think about it though, Sweetie belle's character up to this point in the show is not too developed. and Cheerilee's character has barely had much more than about maybe 10-15 lines total in the entire two seasons(minus the hearts and hooves day episode) so her character really doesn't have any development to it at all.

Time to strap myself in and see where this goes!

549329

Okay, sorry. i misinterpreted your statement. lol my bad!

I actually thought this had the Comedy tag on it, turns out, it doesn't. Read the whole thing anyway.

Writing a story with a "different" kind of plot isn't a bad thing, and that's not why I'm going to criticize your story. I'll offer my opinion just because I think you could have pulled this off much more smoothly.

Firstly, her name is spelt "Cheerilee", not "Cheerlee". Most Office Suite document editors offer a "Find and Replace" function, so you could fix all of those "Chererlee" instances in a single batch operation. Oh well. Apple Bloom's accent is heavily exaggerated in this fic, it gets pretty annoying reading her dialogue. You don't need to go overboard with the Apple Family accents, we know how they sound like. There are numerous syntax and capitalization issues in here as well. Those should be easy enough to find if you go through another round of proof-reading.

Like Emerald Flight mentioned, the basis for the story is very hard to believe. It leads to awkward, OOC moments for both Sweetie Belle and Cheerilee.

My last gripe is that the progression of the story seems mechanical at times. You could fix this to some extent, by invoking some more "Show, don't tell". Basically, rather than outright presenting information which is already obvious, use some subtlety through bodily actions and expressions. Take the first few lines in the second scene, it goes somewhat like: "Replied Sweetie Belle", "Apple Bloom said", "replied", "exclaimed", "exclaimed", "said". Adding some variance would go a long way.

For future chapters, try to refer to the issues presented with this one, so that you don't make the same mistakes. You have an interesting premise, but it could do with some more polishing.

</hardassery>

549365

Thanks for the crtic and i'm sorry for being sort of mechanic! I'm usually not so much like this when i write but my opening stories always start out slow and sometimes not always so great.

I'll try to work more on this though as even some of my newer work is sort of mechanic as you put it.

I guess I won't get another chance.

encrypted-tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQkEt3COvvR67fI6OGb2yrA1NEeKEuth8K0n-Ioz_TQd5cr-lNH

549392

Seriously? lol okay yeah i suppose i would have gotten something like this sooner or later but come on, it's fictional ponies for peats sake...lol

549380

It's all good. It's easy to improve after ironing out the biggest issues.

549376

Achievement Unlocked: Get your critique quoted.
Next goal: Get your critique critiqued!

549416

... I think he just divided by zero...

549746

OH SHI-
images.sodahead.com/profiles/0/0/2/4/1/7/1/2/3/divided-by-zero-74267236368.jpeg

550523

ha, thanks. Though last i checked clop fics are kind of more the kind of fic you clop to rather than laugh at..

549229

My exact reaction...

“Now remember class, this evening is the annual summer sun celebration school party. If you haven't done so yet, please give me your permission slips to attend the event before you leave the classroom or I’m afraid you won't be able to attend.” Cheerilee said in a chipper tone she always had when she spoke just before the school belle rang.

>belle rang
>I see what you did there.

great story my friend keep it up

Anypony else get the hurcules reference
If they find out
If,if is good

'Cheerilee's first instinct was to give her the same treatment but realized far too quickly that her hoof would rip the filly's cunt apart.'
This line, this line right here, it just made my day.

So THAT'S why she's a school teacher.

549365
Interesting story about the spelling: the hover on the icon for Cheerilee on this site has the name spelt as "Cherilee". True story.

my reactions-

its getting good ^^

not_sure_if_want.jpg

Hot for teacher. AND Rarijack? FUCK YEAH!

584403 I thought the same thing. God I miss that movie.

I actually avoided this story for awhile thinking that it would be stupid and poorly done. Finally got myself to read it and now I regret not doing so before. The writing is good as a whole. You could be a tad more descriptive in both the normal and clop scenes. Well, ok... a lot more descriptive in the clop... it was pretty vague. As for the plot not being believable... It's a story about talking ponies and unicorns. That said, I understand what they're saying. The plot is a bit out there, but not so much that you can't roll with it and enjoy it if you use a little imagination. So the first chapter is down and now I've got umteenth chapters to go... later. I'm tired.

Came for the clop stayed for the story

errrgh the story... so good... clop aspect... so odd... conflict!

media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqilj3HJ031qmnfes.gif

I should not really like this as much as I do.
This is
I actually found a new shipping I like! I need help...
Thank you and I'm looking forward to the rest, onward!!!!

Random Fact of the day: Cheerilee is a babe!!! Nuff said!

Wow ponies are lightweights

on the next episode of MLP behind the magic will Cheerilee and sweetie belles secret love work out or will someone find out about there dark secret find out on the next episode of dragon bal- wait i mean MLP behind the magic

549229 That is exactly how I feel...

Wow. I did not expect to like this story so much. NEXT CHAPTER HO!

549229 Tell me about it. I couldn't even finish reading Kodomo no Jikan even with it's impressive storyline.

2183043 Once you get past the middle chapters, which are pretty much just Watashia's middle finger at the Ishitaka Law, it gets really good It starts focusing less on the service and more on the story and character development. Now that it's completed, try to give it a second chance.

Now, onto the Fic. I was confused at first, thinking the winks mentioned at the start were between DT and SS, and some pronouns were missing. Glad the end prevented me from being confused.
And yes, Sweetie's looks can indeed cause heart attacks if viewed without protection.

if if is good.

Heh well lets see...
2.5/5 start. Sadly
*Keeps reading

The spelling is good, though at times it felt a bit choppy. and personally i think the slurs to the drunken banter are a little exaggerated. but all in all, i like the idea.

Sent fixes in PM. As for the comment. This fic is as enjoyable the second time as it was the first time around. And no demon or angel can withstand the weapon grade cuteness of any Cutie Mark Crusader. In terms of stopping power: Scootaloo (wings add another dimension of WMC), Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom.

2701177 "Watashia's middle finger at the Ishitaka Law" what on earth is that from?