Deathsia
Joined 7th Feb, 2012 ·
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Deathsia · 59k words · 242 37 · 3.2k views
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Alright... two parts of me are conflicted:
One part of me wants to know where this is headed
Another part of me wants to run the fuck away, screaming in madness... and not in a good way.
549229
Well hopefully you'll stick around! This story is just getting started!^^
Hmm... the pervert in me approves!
549242
Okay, could you possibly give more than a emoticon? lol
In the first sentence, Cheerilee is misspelled.
549260
Crap! will fix! see i never really knew the proper spelling for her name! >.<
And also
549281
No one is level-headed when affected by alcohol... you can do some really crazy shit when intoxicated.
549281
Okay, I understand your point of view. and i respect it.
and with Sweetie Belle and Cheerilee being out of character, when you really think about it though, Sweetie belle's character up to this point in the show is not too developed. and Cheerilee's character has barely had much more than about maybe 10-15 lines total in the entire two seasons(minus the hearts and hooves day episode) so her character really doesn't have any development to it at all.
Time to strap myself in and see where this goes!
549329
Okay, sorry. i misinterpreted your statement. lol my bad!
I actually thought this had the Comedy tag on it, turns out, it doesn't. Read the whole thing anyway.
Writing a story with a "different" kind of plot isn't a bad thing, and that's not why I'm going to criticize your story. I'll offer my opinion just because I think you could have pulled this off much more smoothly.
Firstly, her name is spelt "Cheerilee", not "Cheerlee". Most Office Suite document editors offer a "Find and Replace" function, so you could fix all of those "Chererlee" instances in a single batch operation. Oh well. Apple Bloom's accent is heavily exaggerated in this fic, it gets pretty annoying reading her dialogue. You don't need to go overboard with the Apple Family accents, we know how they sound like. There are numerous syntax and capitalization issues in here as well. Those should be easy enough to find if you go through another round of proof-reading.
Like Emerald Flight mentioned, the basis for the story is very hard to believe. It leads to awkward, OOC moments for both Sweetie Belle and Cheerilee.
My last gripe is that the progression of the story seems mechanical at times. You could fix this to some extent, by invoking some more "Show, don't tell". Basically, rather than outright presenting information which is already obvious, use some subtlety through bodily actions and expressions. Take the first few lines in the second scene, it goes somewhat like: "Replied Sweetie Belle", "Apple Bloom said", "replied", "exclaimed", "exclaimed", "said". Adding some variance would go a long way.
For future chapters, try to refer to the issues presented with this one, so that you don't make the same mistakes. You have an interesting premise, but it could do with some more polishing.
</hardassery>
549365
Thanks for the crtic and i'm sorry for being sort of mechanic! I'm usually not so much like this when i write but my opening stories always start out slow and sometimes not always so great.
I'll try to work more on this though as even some of my newer work is sort of mechanic as you put it.
I guess I won't get another chance.
encrypted-tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQkEt3COvvR67fI6OGb2yrA1NEeKEuth8K0n-Ioz_TQd5cr-lNH
549392
Seriously? lol okay yeah i suppose i would have gotten something like this sooner or later but come on, it's fictional ponies for peats sake...lol
549380
It's all good. It's easy to improve after ironing out the biggest issues.
549376
Achievement Unlocked: Get your critique quoted.
Next goal: Get your critique critiqued!
549416
... I think he just divided by zero...
549746
OH SHI-
images.sodahead.com/profiles/0/0/2/4/1/7/1/2/3/divided-by-zero-74267236368.jpeg
550523
ha, thanks. Though last i checked clop fics are kind of more the kind of fic you clop to rather than laugh at..
Oh, that's pretty cool. I can see plot's picking up too. The idea of Cheerilee complying because of the risk of being blackmailed clears some of the OOC-ness up, and drunk Sweetie-Belle is quite hilarious. The moment it got to Cheerilee drinking the non-alcoholic drink, I was all like, "Aww sheejt!"
Again though, might want to work on some more "Show, don't tell". Rather than saying that Sweetie Belle replied in a drunk tone, you could just slur her speech up a bit, and that'd be much more pleasing to the reader. Just a few things you could quickly address by "Ctrl + F"-ing.
I really don't drink much else other than there stuff.”
Should be "their", instead of "there".
We could wait another week if your feeling under the weather.”
Look, I think your a wonderful filly, but I’m not attracted to you.”
“At least not till your older I would hope.”
Three instances where you should use "you're", instead of "your". It's kind of odd when people make that mistake in reverse, but I don't think you did that.
Anyway, I liked this chapter. I'll be waiting for what happens next. If she goes into the Everfree, then let it be known that I so called it.
553422
Ha, yeah i make those kinds of mistakes alot. though i rarely go back to correct them. after all the two words have the same basic meaning, just spelled differently and used in different context.
and about the slurring part, well i sort of got complaints in the last story i did involving this sort of thing. so instead of going heavy on the slurring i just make it known that she's talking in a drunken fashion. that way everyone is happy.
Holy crap, how fast do you update? One day, and you've got 8,000 words in these two chapters?
Anyway, I guess that Cheerilee really likes them young if she had feelings for Twilight back in Canterlot too. Oh well, at least she isn't going after the Cake twins! If she'd been teaching Twilight though, how old would you believe Cheerilee is?
554157
when it comes to ponies and age, i try to avoid that due to me being unable to really gauge their ages from the show.
FYI, you called Sweetie Belle "Apple Bloom" at one point...
554157
Isn't with the twins YET!
549229
My exact reaction...
“Now remember class, this evening is the annual summer sun celebration school party. If you haven't done so yet, please give me your permission slips to attend the event before you leave the classroom or I’m afraid you won't be able to attend.” Cheerilee said in a chipper tone she always had when she spoke just before the school belle rang.
>belle rang
>I see what you did there.
Never thought twilight was such an aggressive pervert...
Well, as awkward as it is to read, I want to see where this ends up.
Still... you make me worry about Sweetie Belle, she has just as much to lose as Cheerilee in this. (maybe in different ways) probably more so if Cheer accidentally gets too rough.
moar plox
559540
Oh it'll get better....
wow. close call.
565769
ya think?
565878
Even though i thought i made it clear in the chapter, i'll explain it here.
The reason Cheerilee didn't lose her job is because the rumors were NEVER CONFIRMED. as in no pony could prove she was or had any real proof. so she transferred herself to Ponyville before they could and thus they stopped asking questions and let the matter rest.
565915
You know...I'm really getting tired of seeing emoticons with no text....could you possibly give me a better comment aside from those?
This seems to have taken a strange turn for the pretentious
565940
Perhaps, but not everypony handles things the same.
and lets not forget this is a story about FICTIONAL PONIES...
566256
I find your lack of faith disturbing...*uses force choke*
My voice of reason: Enough of this, Deathsia, release him!
As you wish....*releases force choke*
But seriously, It's nice to see someone so into one of my stories they feel the need to act or something to that degree.
566446
Meh true enough, also you have experienced my out there and random sense of humor....
BEWARE THE HUMOR!
566514
Nope, I'm just dead on my feet tired....
fim.413chan.net/fim/src/132440918115-FiM49.gif
I always get like this when i'm tired....
I'm gonna go to bed now so i can wake up sane again...XD
PS: I'm a lady^^
Anypony else get the hurcules reference
If they find out
If,if is good
567805
HUH?! okay completely lost on this one..i never intentionally quoted a hercules scene in this. care to point it out to me? lol
'Cheerilee's first instinct was to give her the same treatment but realized far too quickly that her hoof would rip the filly's cunt apart.'
This line, this line right here, it just made my day.
568768
do i dare ask why?
568785 Good question, I guess on some level it just....speaks to me.
Oh dear oh dear Twilight...
Dayum! I'm on the edge of my seat honestly.
I'll be honest, I wasn't too sure about this story at first, but something told me to stick with it. Clearly, I did, and now I'm on the edge of my seat. I need to know what Twilight is doing and if Sweetie Belle will really go with Cheerilee. Ugh, this is why I usually read completed stories! The suspense just kills me! MOAR
573505
pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/133563934205.gif
I'm typing as fast as my hooves will let me! confound this non-hoof friendly keyboard! >.<
But seriously, I'm working on the next chapter right now don't worry!^^