Link to the side story: Hoof Fetish*
Hidden feelings can peak out from the smallest moments. Those small moments can lead to a series of events where those feelings blossom overtime. Sometimes, they were already there, and sometimes, all it needs is just that one push.
For Fluttershy, it starts off with a simple contact with her hooves. Now an uncomforting tingle spreads through her hooves anytime one of her animals come in contact with them. Rainbow Dash helps her through this problem. But it is Rainbow Dash who helps her understand and accept what it really is.
But these trials don't end when one accepts these feelings. It only begins, for the both of them.
*This story will contain fetish themes for hooves. Light moments will be here, but the more intimate scenes will be in the side story.*
Wow... so many dislikes in a row, and no sort of comment. Either this story is really bad, or trolls are really out to get me. But I can't tell which one it is...
5017619
I commented in the thread you created in the FlutterDash forum.
5017619
Interesting that FS recognizes how creepy it is that RD knows her entire body perfectly enough to casually shape a cloud exactly like her. I was really expecting her to not even question it or think it was great. Well done.
Another interesting thing is that FS really did go to RD just to get help, not because she was in love with her. By the looks of things, RD's help might have given FS some budding romantic feelings in the process.
Since you didn't get any comments explaining any dislikes, I will be a bit critical from this point on.
To start with, the dream sequence.
Now, its good that we immediately know it is a dream, even without the italics it's obvious, but it goes on for far too long. We get it, FS has a nightmare that her animals require the use of her hooves, and she is very uncomfortable with it. It does not really warrent the length since the message is immediately apparent after the first paragraph, and since we know it is a dream we already know nothing will matter except that message.
I literrally started scrolling through the dream at some point because it was that inconsequential, untill RD shows up to save the day and move the dream along to the next message, FS's view of RD. Namely as someone who can help her deal with this new problem, and as someone she trusts and cares for (or loves her).
Thats kind of the thing about dreams, they are not about the events in them, no matter how interesting you try to make those events. It is about showing a bit of the characters inner working, what's on their subconcious mind, and generally you can get that across rather quickly. Beyond that message of what is on their mind, the only interesting thing is how the character will react to having the dream after it's over. Like if FS is scared to go back home, or something.
Another thing that stands out a lot, is that the writting is at times a bit redundant. Case in point: RD sucking on FS's hoof in her sleep.
It is mentioned so many times there, and part of that is fine since it's clearly what FS is focusing on right now. And I understand there is probably a level of appeal there that is only visible if you share the fetish, but you end up going over the same thing multiple times in a row without adding much.
I don't have any idea what this is trying to say. O.o
Bundled* ?
I hope any of this can be of help. ^^
5025189
I remember that if there isn't much detail, it feels rushed. Does this mean the opposite when it comes to dream sequences? There were plans to do additional dream sequences later on, but if detailing them like this is a bad idea, then it sounds like I shouldn't do them.
I've always wondered why people didn't use dream sequences much at all, considering how certain things are possible in them are otherwise impossible outside the dream.
I think I know what happened here. In one of the lines, it made it sound like the events happened in the wrong order when I was doing the editing process with my friend.
Above this paragraph, it used to sound like her hoof was already out before it went to the lines after this paragraph. I guess I went about that the wrong way and put too much focus into it.
She was so nervous to the point where she was nearly sweating on her forehead. Show vs Tell. Sometimes it just does not work right, does it...
Thanks, fixed that.
Thank you very much for the constructive criticism!
5025349
That sounds like a good rule of tumb.
No, you can put detail into a dream, just, maybe not 1300 words worth.
Mind you, this is in part due to your tenancy to be a bit redundant. I understand why you do it, you want to drive a point home: "These animals are after FS's hooves. It hurts to be touched", but you can trust your readers to pick up on that without being told repeatedly. Give them a little credit.
There's nothing wrong with doing dream sequences. It's just, don't let them overstay their welcome.
Dreams can be difficult to do. Sure you can do more in them, but will it advance the plot better than doing it some other way?
Ah that might be it..
I see. I don't think 'almost' doing something works in that case. It's probably best left reserved for things the character can actually stop themselves from doing. Almost vomited/tripped/screamed/forgot, that sort of thing.
Oh, this might be a good example:
Any time!
Keep in mind I am only offering my opinions, and you are free to disagree if you feel a particular thing suits your style better as is.
Flower.
There are a lot of clunky prose options like this throughout the story. Never use three words when two will do, remember. In this case, it should just collecting their.
Redundant. Of course, if it's leaving, it's going somewhere else. Plus, without the extra sentence, it sounds a lot more dramatic and mysterious.
Again, padding. Just, she couldn't find the words.
Stylistic thing, but I find it unnecessary to draw out a scream when it's written in dialogue form in this manner. Simply "Ah!" then a description of how long it lasts, how loud it is, etc, would work a lot better.
Of is unnecessary.
Was.
A sitting position/seated posture.
Redundant because of the previous sentence. Just get to what the critters are doing next.
What are? "Fur" refers to an animal's coat entirely. In this case, how sharp each strand was.
Retract her hooves. The away is redundant.
No need for the To.
Fluttershy understood that the chant was related to the massage that she must give to this otter.
Was.
Up is unneeded.
As if it weighed as little as they did.
From.
While she tried to get her timid shivering under control.
Was slowly hovering a short distance in front of her.
Had is unnecessary.
As she saw the silhouette suddenly regain its form and color.
I get what you were trying to do with this, but it's just padding.
Returning to consciousness.
Combine: she wasn't used to waking up to this much light all at once, so she attempted to move a hoof in front of her face to block out the worst of the glare.
Padding. Cut it down to just "... her cheeks flushed red because of ..."
Repetition of "pulled back". Fluttershy "retrieved her hoof" or something similar.
We got that from earlier. No need to constantly remind us.
Indicating.
Choice.
As she tried to calm her breathing ...
SHE DOESN'T HAVE EXTENSIONS!
No, this isn't anything wrong with the story at all, I just never believed that it was true. I think she was just embarrassed about being put on the spot.
Hope this helps.
5046485 Alright, I got most of those fixed. Some of those things didn't make sense to me to change it, so I didn't exactly do anything with them. But most of them did. Thanks for the help. I appreciate it.
Too Funny!
5046948
You're welcome. Glad to have been of some, small. help.
What bits didn't make sense to you, incidentally?
5049206 Sorry, there was so much that you mentioned that I had to come back to it at different times. I don't remember them.
5049461
If you think of any examples, let me know. I want to be as helpful as possible.
5049561 You know, I think I may be going about this the wrong way. Most or all of the criticisms that I've received have been related to my writing style.
But what about the ideas for the story itself? I don't think the way my writing style is is what's really causing my story to be bad. The first story that I made had much worse writing style than this, but it was well received.
I think my problems lie more on the story rather than the writing style. Like crowscrowcrow said earlier, one problem I had with this story was how extended the dream sequence is. Other problems could probably relate to the description, and maybe even the title, because people just hate it or something.
5050473
Well, I don't think there's such a thing as a "bad idea". It's just that, if ideas are poorly-presented, particularly if they're a bit controversial or different to the norm, there can be resistance to them. As some have said, if people don't share a particular fetish, then they're not likely to warm to a story that features it ... unless it's supremely well-written.
5050482 My first story is kind of a fetish story, and the prequel to this is completely fetish. The prequel is suddenly my second best as far as the ratings go. My writing style hasn't really been all that different. So the fetish theory really can't be true for why this story was received badly.
Eh, Flutterdash...
I just want to start by complimenting you on this chapter, it's much better, well done. ^^
Interesting that we get to see more of Rainbow Dash's cloud shaping ability in how she used it to make her house. Apparently she is much more advanced than I would have innitially given her credit for. I like the design of the shower, though the blowdryer in a 3th empty drawer was surprising, almost like Dash was going to make a wind tunnel to dry up in, but gave up half way through building it and just routed the hurricane through the drawer instead. Which I could certainly see her doing if she got bored or ran out of patience with it, saying some kind of "Meh, I'll fix that later." line, then never do so. xD
Speaking of the shower, I was honestly expecting you to draw out the scene of fluttershy in pain while getting hosed with hot water, but you surprised me and kept it to just the right length to get the idea across with a fair amount of detail. Excellent work.
Rainbow Dash seems to act surprisingly cranky in this chapter. Which might be due to Dash not being a morning pony, maybe she will chill a bit after coffee. She also seems to have a bit of a dominant streak here, which is bordering on bullying, that I'm interested to see explained more at some point if there is more to it. I wouldn't have expected her to tackle Fluttershy for offering to make breakfast and practically intimidate her into submission, then once she established dominance be all smiles about it, but I can understand it a bit as her being very insulted that Fluttershy tried to 'pay' for the gifted socks.
Normally, this is where I talk about some notes with grammar,typo's, or punctuation I noticed while reading... But nothing stuck out to me, so good job! ^^
Just so I don't break with tradition, I'll point to the only thing in the chapter that made me pause for a second.
You have "use" twice here close together, which is not wrong, but it looks wierd.
I think it would look a little better if you changed the first one to something like "Turning to the mirror,"
That's all I've got. ^^
Keep up the good work.
5082170
For a pegasus who can form a large cloud into the shape of a pony in just seconds, there's a lot of room for what she could do with those skills.
Or because of Fluttershy's activities, and yelling cries, in the shower. At least that's what I was going with. But otherwise, have we ever seen coffee in the show?
Fixed.
Thank you so much. I love your criticisms and review.
5088057
I think, but I am not sure, that there is coffee in the Rarity key episode, but it is entirely possible that I am confusing it with a fic....Ah here it is:
This confirms coffee exists.
Granted, I don't like coffee, but it has kind of a cultural meaning i guess. >.>
Too awesome, just too awesome!
Is this a new years gift? Aww, you shouldn't have.
Thank goodness, I was a little worried you'd quit.
Interesting change to separate the story and the fetish. I'll be sure to keep an eye on how that turns out in practice.
5446043 Nah, not really a new years gift. It just happened to start getting updated at around that time. I feel like this story got unlucky by attracting the wrong attention, but oh well. After a bit of a hiatus, I've gotten the inspiration to continue this.
Oh okay, this story made a whole lot more sense.
5448751 Kinda obvious.
This whole thing reminded me of this:
And it's awesome.
Was it inspired by that, or total coincidence?
Do you suppose it's possible to have the authors note include a link to the relevant chapter in the side story, and a link back from there? I think perhaps it would be more user friendly to read the complete story.
5475792
What In The Name Of Celestia?! A Breakfast Record Does Exist?! Wow! If I had known that, I would've totally referenced it! That was Awesome!
But yeah, that scene was inspired completely by that one scene in Trade Ya, where Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were quickly cooking those Oat Burgers for everypony waiting in line.
Yeah, that would be a good idea, wouldn't it? I'm not sure why I didn't do that in the first place. Maybe I was concerned about linking to other stories.
5476050
Yep, the breakfast speed record was a real thing! Darkwing Duck was easily the best thing on tv at the time!
I forgot about that Trade Ya scene. Yeah that makes sense for inspiration as well. They were pretty darn good at speed cooking.
5476114
Looks like the running gag here is that they always forget the milk... heheh...
The fandom always believed Rainbow Dash was terrible at cooking even though she lives alone. I had wondered what people think of Rainbow Dash's cooking after that scene.
As mentioned in the story, to me, I think she would grow bored and burn it if she didn't speed cook.
5476189
I believe those are the only two breakfast scenes, but I was just a kid at the time so I could be wrong. Yeah the milk was a thing. And now I have to go listen to the theme song in english and dutch for two hours.
Considering RD was cooking fast food (at an event). I'm not sure that did her cooking rep any favors.
Certainly a creative solution.
5476202
Here's the problem though. We've seen Sweetie Belle's cooking, but we've never seen Rainbow Dash's. Some stories have Rainbow Dash being even worse at cooking than Sweetie Belle, to the point where her food comes alive and wrecks havoc among Ponyville.
Course, she doesn't actually do the cooking in that scene, but I never understood what depicts her as a terrible cook in the first place.
5476225
I don't think there is any particular reason. It was just something funny that caught on.
Mhm, strange. Why did Fluttershy get mail at Rainbow's house? Who would know she was there? Perhaps the pony they nearly hit was Derpy, though even then I am not sure how she'd know.
Looks like Fluttershy has been getting rejection letters for something. Maybe she's written something and is trying to have it published?
5479549
Putting Your Hoof Down: "What?! He's delivered the wrong mail, again!"
What is this?
5480036
Convenient.
A quote from the chapter. I think I know what it is meant to say, but it does not currently make sense.
5480039
What doesn't make sense about it? I'll try and fix it.
5480051
compare to: Afraid of poison,
I think I understand roughly that Fluttershy gets startled, and somehow reacts violently. Though I gotta admit I dont quite see what role the poison plays in the first place.
5480064 Okay, I changed that up. Poison doesn't really have any relevance, it was just the reason for her to be scared in that split second.
Parasprite 'Brrr's behind a rock, Fluttershy yelps, drops her bucket of flowers for Celestia, and hides behind her bucket of apples before checking what it was.
5480093
Right. Fluttershy moves away from whatever spooks her. She doesn't attempt to attack it.
5480100
I wasn't implying she was trying to attack it. I was implying her fear nearly caused her to do something she didn't want to do. Needless to say, she didn't attack it, but something else happened that she doesn't want to think about.
5480142
I just want to clarify that I'm only giving my opinion as to how it looks to me when I'm reading it.
This looks like she spots the spider, which scares her, and causes her to attempt to bite the 'monster'. She stops her 'attempt to bite' when she recognizes it is a spider.
I do understand somewhat what you are attempting to go for in this scene, but I have a really hard time imagining any scenario where Fluttershy could be at any risk whatsoever of biting the spider. Because Fluttershy's first instinct is always to move away, especially if she's startled. Perhaps if Fluttershy already has her teeth around the spider, but then she wouldn't be able to see it.
One option might be to change the 'bad event' from nearly biting the spider, to pulling on the animals fur as FS is holding it while she's startled and trying to move away?
5480374 I'll see what I can do. That pretty much was what I was going for. In her attempt to relieve an animal's itch, the use of her teeth makes her almost harm a smaller critter before she discovered it was there.
Now that I think about it, it doesn't have to be triggered by her fear even.
Oh, I get it. Angel is at the vet, and they are trying to run tests to find out why he is such a jerk. Every time a test comes back negative, they inform Fluttershy.
5523620 Ahh Angel. Heart of an angel, assists Fluttershy with certain tasks, and comforts her in her time of need. Personality of a devil, wants what he wants in physically aggressive ways like a spoiled brat, and hates acts of idiot moments (in his perspective) towards anypony, such as misunderstanding his charades.
Despite being her personal pet, Fluttershy has never understood Angel verbally.
5524082
I do stand on that side of it, but it would have ruined the joke.
I picture the Prism pepper being as spicy as a ghost chile, but a Rainbow being about as spicy as a Carolina Reaper. Anything hotter than that would be unbearable for pretty much anything.
Rainbow Challenge (eat a glass of rainbow without drinking anything to soothe it right away)
5573954 'Eat', a glass? What? Okay, chugging an entire cup of Rainbows is one thing, but you gotta eat the glass too?
And the worst part is, even Pinkie Pie has already proven that she wouldn't be able to make that challenge possible... Hmm... Maybe Surprise?
All I know is that Rainbow Dash saw no issue with rubbing that spicy rainbow stuff right under her eyes in Dragonshy. I wonder if that was just excessively poor judgment, or confidence that she could handle it if she got some in her eyes.
Then again, I've never had hot sauce in my eyes, maybe it doesn't even sting if its not in your mouth.
Poor brave Fluttershy, she came so close to actually admitting she wants to be around Dash for the sake of being with Dash. Darn that waiter. And RD ended up giving him a 20% tip too.
Speaking of Rainbow Dash, I wonder if we'll ever have some of her odd quirks explained. Like why which side of the threshold they are on will determine RD's reaction to being asked out to dinner.
It is interesting to see RD alternate between aggressively stern at times, and vulnerable here when she's trying to lead the conversation towards what looks like a confession. I'd like to see what is going on in her head.
5579275
I've never had hot sauce either, but I would imagine most things would sting in your eyes, even if they don't sting in your mouth. Pinkie certainly had no problem with the rainbow being drenched on her hoof, but certainly had quite the colorful experience after tasting it.
Wow! I didn't even think about that. Hah! 'Thanks for ruining a conversation, here's a tip.'
Edit: To be fair though, the waiter was just doing his job. And Rainbow Dash wished they would add those cupcake toppings.
Perhaps next time, one of these will be answered.
Did you know that [ hr ] will create a horizontal line that spans the page on Fimfiction? I noticed this because I read in a small window and the line was doubled. ^^
So Fluttershy broke RD's wall, and tried to fix it with the equivalent of a piece of soap? That's kind of adorable. Maybe she should ask RD to teach her a thing or two about clouds next time. Interesting to see that Fluttershy is capable of altering clouds with her mental state though. I wasn't sure if she would be able to, despite being a Pegasus.
Meanwhile, RD talks to her cloudshaped Fluttershy about Fluttershy, and Fluttershy knows. I know it will never happen, but I'm having fun with the idea of Fluttershy painting herself white and replacing the cloud statue as a surprise. xD
Just checking but, where exactly are Tank and Angel?
5610211
Huh... It doesn't seem to work for me. Either that or I'm using it wrong. But I would certainly use it if I could get it to work.
Sweet! Rainbow Dash would be so proud... or just find it funny.
You know, I've written a fic about that already. ...It did not turn out so well... and I don't mean that in a funny way or rating way...
What? So, being a Pegasus makes her unable to manipulate clouds? That's what this sounds like...
She may be able to, but she doesn't have the knowledge or experience. Hence, the lightning strike earlier.
Too Many Fluttershys... in one sentence... Which one's real? heheh...
I was gonna make a Prankstershy joke here, but Rainbow Dash can tell Fluttershy apart from a group of trees.
i.imgur.com/HpirpAe.jpg
She was even able to tell Pinkie Pie out from a Cardboard Box, who could've been anypony.
Still, that idea was funny!
Fluttershy receives letters from the Ponyville Vet. Each time she receives one, it chills her feathers. Each letter came back with a Red 'X', Fluttershy wishes that Angel was having better luck than she was as she looks at these letters. Tank is with Angel.
Does that answer it, or did you want a direct answer? I don't wanna spoil anything. It would ruin the fun!
But if this isn't fun, I'm sorry...
5610427
You have to leave out the spaces in [ hr ] to get this:
No, the word 'despite' there turns the meaning of the sentence around.
Huh, Dash has a real life super power.
That answers it. I was a little fuzzy in the memory department. Fluttershy probably should have mentioned those letters to Redheart, considering it is one of the things that changed. Then again, FS herself doesn't seem to think that is actually it. So it makes sense she wouldn't bother.
Interesting that Tank and Angel are both in the same location that keeps sending the letters. What might the vet need them both for? Perhaps there is some kind of illness, or perhaps Angel is trying to get Tank pregnant.
5610475
That isn't working for me, at least in the story...
Works here, but not in the story...
After Testing 1, 2, 3, she pretty much does. Mysterious Mare Do Well pretty much shows how she uses that ability too.
Well, Fluttershy was gonna mention it, but after Nurse Redheart heard all those things about Angel, she wanted to avoid whatever other abuse that could possibly be mentioned from him.
...
..
.
What?