4874524
4872987
4873041

3 Pre-readers X Editors, and that stuff still pops up . Thanks all of you for pointing that out, and I have no idea why it made duplicates when I posted those chapters . Thank all of you for pointing them out.

4873041

Sure. If you feel like pointing stuff out that my editors and pre-reader's might've missed, then the more eyes the better. And thank you for taking the time to point them out.

4874692 I can definitely sense why Derpy was so quick to accept Dinky by chapter 5 or 6. It just caught me off guard since I didn't know as much about Derpy early on. Also, in real life, mothers, even those who've been through lots of rejection and feel close and loved by their children, might not typically accept their own child's romantic advances (but then, really, what do I know, y'know? ) I guess it depends on your target reader, but, even a real life mother who actually has a crush on her underage daughter (I'm positive they exist), reading this, might be surprised about Derpy's reaction without knowing how desperate she is for love and, more importantly, what makes her not cringe at the thought of being with her own daughter vs. a mother who can't stand the thought.

Oh, and I also wanted to say I really like that they''ve waited so long before making love!

4874813

True, and thanks . I could've probably worked on that angle before rather than after , but I'm glad it worked out as you got to learn more about Derpy. That and I personally had it so easy since in the only two clopfics I know about [4th comment from the bottom] have her doing it with less . So I always saw it in head canon as something that Derpy naturally would do if the situation arose, but in most fics never does.

And I'm glad that the wait made their special moment worth it.

4874956 Still, about the "them" comment, in that chapter, in that conversation, you are leaving things to be filled by the reader, but It still needs to be mentioned that were two colts the ones that brought the Urza. Why? Because Rainbow wasn't present when they were mentioned previously. She wrongly thinks that it was Trixie. The one you are leaving out of the loop is Rainbow.

4874977

Fixed. Although I thought Rainbow would know since she was in the sidelines, congratulated Twilight on kicking ursa flank, and was there for "the punishment" after Twilight told Rainbow Dash to let Trixie go. Sure she'd blame Trixie for basically being "a liar, liar, pants-on-fire" and if it wasn't for her tall tale Snips and Snails wouldn't have done that. But she'd know who "they" were since all of Ponyville was practically on the sidelines watching the thing go down. [which adds onto the question on why all the unicorns in Ponyville never took a step forward to help, or suggest a bigger punishment than what those two got ... seriously if you're a kid in Equestria your life sucks even more than on Earth].

Okay, finally finished reading this.

My thoughts: You said that the story was written in about 8 days, so there are bound to be a lot of mistakes in the story, and a few parts that felt rushed. A lot of things were so random in this, I just stopped caring about the story. In some parts, the story isn't smooth, and again, bad punctuation.
Of course, those things doesn't matter if someone is reading this for the clop/taboo.

Score: 4.5/10

Also, "Fin"? Then change the status of these story from incomplete to complete

4875390

Sorry it took awhile to get to this comment. Even though it got a subpar rating, thank you for taking the time out of your day to give this fic a go and give it your opinion. Btw, that avatar is a pretty awesome Pinkie Pie.

4876455

Thanks .

4876676 Atually, it's Fluttershy(new Fluttershy). And if you get someone to really edit this story, it could go up to a 8/10.

4876691

, 8/10 ... honestly don't know who I'd add on. Had three different peeps enter and fix stuff up from the 4th till last night. But yeah someday I'll probably ask around for new blood to comb through and give it a massive overhaul with any retconing that might need to be done.

New Fluttershy , I actually feel bad that I haven't seen any fics about her. Still pretty BAMF.

4882279 Oh so very true!

Them ponies are oh so lucky.... >.<

4883502

Thanks .

I've just managed to finish the story. I enjoyed it I really did! The last chapter was kinda bla to me but the rest of the story was pretty epic....

I know the last chapter shows whats happening but its like it did not conclude on a good note to me.... Its like it just started a race war everywhere; which is pretty horrible... But I guess I can see that happening...

Other then that its a wonderful story, I enjoyed it!

4886450

Thank you, yeah a part of me wanted to show that their is negative fall out inverse from them coming out. But near the end, I also wanted to show that inverse, those that do come out [and are good ponies] have a strong network of ponies who will stand by them, as well as others like themselves that will support and protect them. Even with the Purification of Equestrian Society Society being a bunch of dunderheads.

Since a lot of incest / foalcon fics never really address that. But I didn't want to AU to suck by my favorite characters loosing their special someponies. Trust me though in later arcs of this AU. The Herds will become even more BAMF then they are right now starting up.

4886634
Also spotted it in chapter 5. After that it is fine until at least chapter 12.

4886653 call me intreged!

4888077

D'awwww! Fluffy was definitely the goal, and thanks for the compliments. Yep, the next series of dates are going to be ... interestingly awesome. IMO, no spoilers.

And finished.

There's a broken link in the author's note of the epilogue.

At the end of the epilogue's Equestrian Enquirer excerpt there is what I presume to be a typo. "Federal statues" is probably supposed to be "federal statutes".
That and the use of 'federal' seems improbable. Equestria is variably a monarchy/diarchy/oligarchy, while federal implies federation and therefore usually either a representative democracy or republic (these not being mutually exclusive). "National" is a possible replacement but it doesn't flow well; "royal" could work but some readers would get confused when it directly contradicts the actions and wishes of the royal sisters; "imperial" doesn't quite match the official structure of government; "aristocratic" or "noble" don't communicate well the seriousness a statute is supposed to imply.

Much of that is null and void however if you really did intend "statue", because who knows what has been going on in the royal gardens where many statues currently sit.

4891204

Honestly I didn't know what type of statutes [thank you very much for that fix ^_^] a parliament would have. Since they are a constitutional Triumverate, previously Constitutional Diarchy, previously Constitutional Monarchy, that was a Constitutional Diarchy when formed ... which makes their governmental history confusing and makes my head spin. And since I don't know what a parliament of Nobles [Lol, Nobles of the Robe] would be called governmentally. So I used Federal as a proxy. That and I see Celestia and even Luna when she got back, trying to lessen Aristocracy's power over common ponies, and making social committees and organizations that allows common ponies to be in government positions [Like Mayor Mare / Ivory Scrolls], or RainDrops in GoldenVerse. [Thus various "Department of [insert thing here]" and "Committee of [Insert thing here]."]

But that makes things even more complex. Sure Nobles, and Old Blood have more power and political say. But the common pony is also a part of the huge government beast of a machine.

4891778
Well if they have a parliament, then a federal structure is very possible, but I make no assumptions in that regard as to the structure of day to day government.
Looking up how the British do it, since they aren't a federation de jure (de facto they have a lot in common with federations), a solution is to just call it an "Equestrian statute"

4891997

Nice solution, used it.

4898764

Glad you liked the weaponized payload of emotional cuteness. Yeah I really loved writing that scene when it became time to right it. And I entered it into the raffle, thank you for your comments and I can't wait to see what you think of the rest of the fic.

4903373 very. Also I like the story so far. I just posted my first story last week.

Bravo, Bravo....I am slow clapping as I write this comment. Bravo. This has been one of the best fics I have read in a long time, good writing style and a good flow as the plot continues through to the end. I would have loved a happier ending but the realism that was put into this ending was absolutely amazing. thank you for an amazing and enchanting read.

4903435

Thank you , I'm glad that the feels and realism I was going for were successful. I admit a part of me wanted a happier ending, but I wanted to keep with the realism of the over all fic. As well as set things in motion for future stories.

4904114

Oh trust me. It'll be so worth it, and until you find out who it is later. You'll never guess who it is [even though when you get to him, you're jaw will drop on how perfect it is that, that pony was the one to catch them in the act.]. Although I can say the pony isn't a bad one.

4904314 It was worth it, at least so far. I love filly Tia. I'm especially biased in favor of Celestia.

4904379

Yeah Filly Celestia and Filly Trixie are my favorite age regressed fillies. Celestia's such an adorable troll. I'm actually looking forward on her ship fic. The shenanigans shall be tripled what with 3 amazing pranksters all in one relationship.

4904448 heh! And I'll be glad to read it.

4904486

Right now I'm doing a Pre-S1 CelestiaXLuna fic leading up to Luna's fall + Tidbits between that and Sunset Shimmer for one person, and that'll lead up to a fic I told a person I'd do about Twilight getting fed up with Celestia sending her and her friends against god level / nation destroying threats and saying no.

But after that I'm finishing up the RichDiamond fic [the cover art is so freaking adorably sexy [Deets in a sexy black dress, with her mane down + cute black stockings.]]. Then after that I'll finally be starting the Celestia's herd fic. It's going to be hilarious.

4904733 Nice! All sound like fun projects.

4906197

They are. The first is really pushing me as a writer, and is decent atm. The ship fic, I'm on chapter 2, and it shows a glimpse of SilverVinylTavi helping Deets. I'm really loving how DT is coming out as a character. Flawed yes, but with a great potential to be a good pony if somepony can break her of her mother's "life lessons". Oh! and Octavia just radiates class and elegance.

And done.
That was a suspense-filled last couple of chapters!

I forgot to comment before about Dinky's talent. I think it's fitting, all things considered, and touching.

I was hoping we'd get to see AJ's and Fluttershy's reaction and I wasn't disappointed, even if it was brief. I guess it will be a tough road ahead of the 10% who openly support those forbidden relationships.

Once again, I'm honored you were inspired by my and others' writing enough to write something so cool. I'll be reading the rest more slowly, even, than this fic because of my schedule, but I'm glad you're writing so much and wish you enlightenment as you explore your AU.

4909171

Thank you, and yeah the 10% when I get started on the Moral Dilemma Arc, will have a hard road a head of them. But I think it'll be worth it when others like them help them out.

And you're welcome, your fic was unlike any foalcon I've seen before where you've put thought and effort to not only build it up like a normal ship fic than a clop fic. But have built a realistic, and emotionally touching foundation that makes the more intimate scenes more powerful. So that now that things are finally moving along it feels more rewarding to see the payoff of that emotional investment your readers give that fic.

And I'm especially thankful for Pegasus Gas Jockey for giving me the push needed to take that, and the work of other Derpy Incest writers to make something new. A lot of the things in this fic were collaborated with him/her, as well as was a great sound board for ideas as this fic went from a simple Dinky loves Derpy, they get together, and make love fic. To the AU it grew into.

4910002 You're welcome. And I can relate and understand Derpy's lonliness, having experienced much loneliness in my own life.

Derpy is a mare whom has received numerous raw deals in life, but instead, chooses to focus on the great blessings in her life (her daughters) and that makes her a very special pony who greatly deserves to be loved.

4915085 It's the cake. Blame it on the cake

4915100

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/198181/say-what, Oh! I have [shameless self advertisement]. Seriously though, everypony has their weakness, Celestia is vast amounts of confectioneries with an aversion to exercise .

4915118 lol That one was already on my Read list, and possibly next in line to be read

4915131

*dances* Sweet!

I normally steer clear of Incest related stories. Not because I don't agree with it or find it offensive, I just find it weird. I can care less about foalcon as it is one of my favorites, but what sold me on this particular story was the Twi/Sweetie paring. It reminds me of another brilliant foalcon story with Sweetie in it, and I am glad I gave it a chance. You author, have a talent at mushy romance. I think my heart must have exploded several times before finishing the epilogue alone. (just like in the candy shop with the other customers)

I wonder what the other stories are going to focus on. Is the tale of Twilight and her herd done, or is each story in this 'verse' going to focus on one Wincest or Foalcon ship after the bravery of what Twilight did.

I think you should focus those stories on Filly Celestia at some point as her character in this story actually made me like Celestia for once. She isn't my favorite Princess *CoughlunaCoughCough* but this story actually made me notice her and laugh at her antics.

I am fairly easy to please once a story caters to my interests, and this story certainly entertained me.

4921426

The first batch of stories I'm personally making for this Verse are going to be those that happen before or durring this fic at the moment. After I get some canon realtionships built. I'll be moving onto the fallout. And how they fair after Twi comes out, as well as those who are either in the closet dealing with their fears of retaliation, or those who gain strength to come forward after all's said in done. Even a few dealing with whether supporting said relations is good or not [thus the Moral Dilemma Arc.]

But yes I am most certainly going to be doing a few fics with Filly Celestia's antics, and I agree Luna is best princess. But Filly Tia has her selling points.

Thanks for your comment and giving this fic a go. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Although I'm wondering, what was the other Sweetie fic you saw? And while you're waiting there's a second fic out right now called Rubbies in my Punch.

4921450

The story I read was Sweetie with Cheerelee called The Belle Tolls for Love by Deathsia. Twilight has a supporting role in it as a former love interest of Cheerlee's. Ended sorta surreal, but introduced me to Rariloo. Sadly I don't think she is working too much on the sequel as it was really awesome. Sweetie has a role similar to Filly Celestia in that story.

Vore is a fetish I don't understand. Can you give a short non-spoilery content thing for what kinda vore it has. Is Ruby (I assume Ruby is the filly who does this) alright and does she come back. Never you mind that we see a brief mention of them in this story, but I always hesitate on Vore related stories. It obviously is soft Vore as there isn't a dark tag, but Vore is one of the few fetishes I don't read. I find it extremely odd that people have this kinda fantasy fetish and alongside Scat, and Watersports are big deal breakers.

However, since I enjoyed this story and it dealt with incest, I figure I at least try it out before avoiding it. Seriously authors have to stop writing such catchy hooks. I want to ignore these stories, but the summery hooks me every time. staup it naow

4921551

Biting [not breaking skin], nibbling [playful / foreplay], and pulling of the skin with teeth [not enough to break the skin or hurt] ... technically it's not Vore-Vore ... But I've had people call my use of oral / bite play Vore. But no, nopony get's eaten alive, or swallowed whole. Just foreplay biting and noming.

And that fic was amazing. I'm kinda depressed that the author just stopped writing the story's sequel just as it was nearing it's end.

4927435

Thanks, and it is a blessing when it comes to literature. They [my editors in this fic] did a better job in Rubies in my Punch, I just think they got flooded on this fic [with chapters and raw volume of work]. But to err is equine, so I don't hold it against them .

4942897

Well I don't know normal peoples thinking style, but I read in http://www.cracked.com/article_17185_7-awesome-super-powers-ruined-by-science.html item #4 [telepathy] that a persons mind isn't linear. They jump from one topic to another randomly. Without any form of real structure.

Me, I can follow one line of thought for days or even weeks. Although usually I juggle several different things until one hits it conclusions. That's basically what I do with a fic. I see, hear, and experience the story. Follow it for a chapter or more. Then basically replay it, and type it as I go along. Since I'm not distracted by errant thoughts, or stray musings.

Although I do get lots of comments from my editors that some of the things I write are confusing, or weirdly written. So there's that down side. Add in a (contextually) healthy does of OCD, and I can write for hours or days with little distraction (other than eating, sleeping, and hygiene) when I'm inspired. And since I follow that particular subject for long periods of time, I can follow or fix a story as needed either until I get it finished or I get into one of those funks were my fingers can't get what's in my head to on the screen properly.

Well that and as lots of people who've followed posts of mine know I have sometimes a penchant of giving to many details if asked a specific question or to validate claims I make. So how does that compare to yourself?

4956880

Ha! True, the first step in learning something is admitting you know nothing . And it wouldn't be several decades if humanity wasn't treating every major breakthrough as if it were a soul stealing demon waiting to go on a world ending rampage.

To think, we could've had accessible nano-tech for medical purposes, hacked the human brain, and have been able to re-write our genetic coding. If people weren't in such an uproar about it. Heck we would've been further as a species if we weren't so focused on dividing ourselves in every possible manner. I mean we are one species, on one planet. But yep, because of that seperation it probably will take several decades if not further .

4957663 Since hacking the human brain may lead to mind control capabilities, we can't afford to be sloppy, lest we misuse the technology. Things will speed up after that particular innovation, which will help us close in on the technological singularity. Also, the government is probably using technology that is years ahead of what the public believes exists, so that saves us some time right there.

Humanity is advancing quickly, but it goes at such a rate that you can't just sit down and watch it happen, anymore than you can look in a mirror and watch yourself age. We have to be patient.

I'm a futurist who loves to futurize, but I understand we're not dealing with certainty. If we're fortunate, we can achieve world peace within about three generations. If we're unlucky, we'll get the apocalypse or WW3. But that's exciting! I may have my preferences, but I'll accept whatever happens with excitement.

4961077

Well we've already had WW3. Well are having it, although we're calling it "The War on Terror"/ "Against Terrorism". Since it is a war that spans the entire earth, effects / has effected every nation it technically is a World War.

4962152 Let's not define such a lopsided war as a world war. The combined war on terror has only seen a tenth of the U.S. casualties of the Vietnam war, for example. I understand that things in the Middle East will get worse before they get better, but the terrorists have no chance of invading and conquering the U.S. like we have to them. They can only demoralize us. WW3 would need to involve at least two superpowers.

As much as they're getting paid, I have no problem with the military actually doing some fighting. Plus, they need to keep practicing how to minimize casualties in the future. And yes, we've got to keep a well-funded military until the day that world peace is official.

I loved this story. It was very well written and quite fun.

4977854

thanks.

4983969

If you know any grammar nazi's that'd be willing to go through the G-Docs version and fix it up. Then I'd be appreciative. But honestly, I had three pre-readers on this, and I honestly don't know what to fix. Although I'm glad that it's not so horrible to turn you off the fic completely.