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Okay, your writing style is not bad. You need an editor. You might also consider trying something other than clop for your entry into fanfic. You had a novel pairing here, but you should not have them immediately jump into sex. I would recommend you try again with a simple romance at first. Sex is not easy to write well, work up to it.
did you just bash your head in the keyboard and came up with that username?
2161821 thanks for the advice. I also thought about not rushing into sex immediately, thats why it's more like a Fluttershy molests Sweetie Belle instead, then say a filler with a little more of development and then the real game starts.
As for the romance first, also part of the idea (inside the filler part). It all came from a dream I had a week or two ago, and it's been on my mind since then, it's not like i'm a writer or anything, not even a native english speaker, just a little experiment to put some knowledge to practice.
I can't do anything about it being a clopfic because it's the first thing that makes me say "this might work" instead of "too cliché", "too mary sue", etc.
and as for the editor, no idea where to ask, should i put the request at the end of the chapter in the author comments? or visit the chat? I'll try the chat later after i figure out how to use IRC
2161907 ding ding ding! we have a winner
actualy, i just punched the keyboard a little in notepad and then selected a random piece of whatever was written, that's how I make most of my passwords
I just needed something to reduce the 20 or so tab in firefox with the fisc i was following, the solution? an account
And then one thing lead to another, and here we are
great story.
although.... after every comma be sure to have a space. the best program to use when writing one of these is Micrsoft Word. keep it up.
Shy, you naughty mare
Awww the ending was sooo cute
P.S. Maybe you can read my story, "My Day In Ponyville"
2162036
There! Fixed the commas (and dots too!) and edited some of the parts after feeling a little of artist syndrome (where everyone likes what you do except you). Also learned that i shouldn't write at 5am (with almost 24 hours without sleeping) with my netbook in the darkness.
Now that i fixed everything in my main pc everything looks nice again
Just changed some expressions and added a little filling where things sounded repetitve, everything else is the same, so no need to reread
Next time, i'm gonna take more than 6 hours to write the chapter and it's gonna go through an editor or someone that knows english better than i do first
"I'm gonna go tell Rarity that you are here and buy some food for my animals and for us, I'll be back in some minutes"
Just figured i'd show you this part,
It should be "in a little while" or "in a FeW minutes"
In some minutes just doesn't... flow.
Good story though!
2171398 there, corrected to "in a few minutes", the idea is that Fluttershy took more than she though she would. Gracias for the correction
(thanks in spanish)
I loved it
2165830 ok, first of all, thank you. I have a little bit of OCD. and second, if you want help with a story, you should go onto my page-thingy and find The Abyss. he/she is the one who is helping me write my story (and soon to be stories) The Cloud Of Dusk (and soon, the sequal, Fighting the Shadows)
keep up the good work
3.bp.blogspot.com/-0xToZLlI3Eo/Tgx1Bj9m9sI/AAAAAAAAI78/AyEFs0OkJkw/s1600/chris_hansen.gif
Hello Ms. Fluttershy.
Why don't you have a seat?
--------------------
Igualmente y me gustó tu historia
por cierto está marcada como incompleta, ¿planeas agrager mas capitulos?
2250792 se, pero ando medio frustrado y corto de tiempo asi q no he terminado de escribir el segundo capitulo todavia, aunque lo tengo pensado ya. Los estoy escibiendo a medida q se me ocurre, pero mi idea era entre 3 y 7 capitulos.
Tengo q terminar de soldar circuito para un proyecto, y por esto de la frustracion de q no me anda el aparatito q estoy armando hace como 2 años!!! ya, me agarro trauma y hace como 2 semanas q no lo toco y me estoy evadiendo jugando al minecraft
espero q se me pase pronto q tengo ganas de seguir la historia, pero asi ni ganas me dan.
2264552
lol, yo tuve que construir un robot que sigue lineas en un tablero en seis meses... reprobe electronica ese semestre por que el desgraciado estaba ciego
2266685 jaja nah yo sigo ing informatica pero le toy dando a electronica por cuenta propia porque me gusta tambien pero dos carreras al mismo tiempo no se puede. Toy haciendo un sepic de 100w controlado por un atmega8 (para las curvas y limites de aceleracion, con 3 sepics de 0 a 40V) desde la compu, ya tengo todo, pero el tema de magnetismo y calculos q necesitas para diseñar el tranfo me mataron. aun con libros y pdfs de 1500 paginas, ayuda de foros y todo (y eso q tengo osci de 100mhz y LCR).
Ensima donde compre el nucleo EE ni datasheet te dan, solo el Al y gracias, ni hablar de conseguir componentes de marca (rubycon? q es un rubycon? XD) una piedra tras otra.
i like it
2267200 english mothaf*cka do you speak it!
2161985
When's the next chapter coming out? I haven't actually read the story
, but I liked how the description sounded when browsing the clop fic section and didn't want to accidentally miss this story. 
.
But I wanted to wait till a few chapters came out so I could follow the story a bit in depth.
.
when is next chapter coming out?!?!?
2716102>>2452010>>2440441
not dead, i've just been a bit too busy, college and stuff you know, so when is the next chapter comming? who knows, i still remember what i had in mind but i havent been very imaginative lately, i'll still give it a try cause i know how it feels when a story you like dies unfinished :(
I still havent found an editor , one accepted but then disappeared and havent been reading much since so havent gotten much better either.
On the other hand, i've been learning how to draw so if everything goes smooth, i might change the cover so one of my own.
2993690
Might I recommend Overly Extensive Editors Group. If you put your fic in GDocs and do the bureaucracy that is their posting rules. They'll give you an editor to work with you.
If that's not your cup of tea. Then I wish you the best, and I know how IRL stuff can be. Still good luck and congrats on bettering your drawing ability.
2994178 I was just going to (someone recommended them to me long ago), but someone just proposed to me via pm so i'm gonna try with her first.
2994817 maybe but i'm not sure, i'm not that good yet :P
Me and my demented mind rather enjoyed this.
Keep up with writing. You're pretty good at it!
WOW!!! 9 1/2 months since this one updated...
Will it update on a more regular basis now?
3604484 I'll try. It is my wish to finish it but i have others things to do too. It took me three months and a few days to write this one (since a bit after i said i wasnt dead). I scrapped 90% of the few words i had from chapter 2 from back then, so i cant even say i had something already done.
I'll try to keep the same peace, at least one day of writing every two weeks.
OMC! Yes! This was better than the first chapter, and I seriously can't wait for the third. I'm picturing Sweetie right now thinking about how she felt when Flutters was "cleaning her", and going to Flutters in Rarity's room. Then asking her if she could make Sweetie feel good
. Great chapter by the way. Love what you did here.
Horses don't have hymens. I figured someone would not know that and with justifiable reason, I'm sure. I do like it so far, but I do feel a bit antsy, you know?
3615808 well i'm not gonna admit you're right just because i had to google (with images too) the mare's anatomy just to be sure they did (maybe some races dont?) before writing that part because i wasnt sure if they had or not.
I like to think they have something like the human genitalia although genitalia is non canon anyway, so everyone can read it as they want.
It's free to the reader's imagination
image.bayimg.com/4cb927f010ac9a6c243db88bc4639b2bba246e88.jpg
btw, glad you liked it
Oh I'm glad I found your story after you posted a new chapter! It's really cute. I do like the second chapter more. There's something romantic about the rain and the dark I think.
3619835 glad you liked it. I like rain too, although i wasnt trying to make a romantic ambience but i can understand how you feel
My idea was to make it look more realistic, but that doesnt mean reality isnt romantic sometimes
3624490 Gracias, estoy contento de que te haya gustado
I like how the stories going, Fluttershy trying to hold back, Sweetie feeling uncomfortable but still willing. I do like the pacing since a lot can still happen so I'm interested in seeing where you take it.
I was hoping Fluttershy would accidentally find something embarrassing about Rarity in her room.
3776694 big, black and glossy i'm sure
an interesting idea indeed
. I thought about that at one point but i couldnt find any way to justify her sniffing around rarity's room that wouldnt look ooc. It's fluttershy, not rarity. (rarity was the one that opened sweetie belle's bag without permission on that one episode)
Looks promising, I hope we don't have to wait so long for the next one
3779325 theres always see it by accident...like its in a place thats showing, or its sticking out from under the bed? hmmm?
Well... I'm... intrigued on what will happen next. Don't keep us waiting...
4067658 i'm doing my best but Im really busy on here. Charter 3 is at about 1300 words. Not because i'm not motivated but because it takes time to write, at least for me and spending one entire day writing is pretty expensive in my situation. Further more, i deleted some of what i had written because i ended not liking it so that set me back about 600 words.
If only i could spend every day writing without having to worry about college, my job, things i need to learn on my own and are important, and all those things you cannot just say "meh, i'll do it tomorrow" , then i think i could get a chapter out every a week or two but sadly i cant.
4070204 I have the same situation you have. I have the dedication and determination to finish my fic, but I simply don't have the motivation I need. It feels like every time I try to get some work done, I get distracted easily or try to avoid too much work.
The best way to get work done efficiently is to first imagine what the chapter will be lie. You need to have a beginning and an end to the chapter. After that, type in every single dialogue in the chapter, be sure to label whom is speaking. After that, just fill in the major details in between the dialogues so you will know exactly what is going on. It doesn't have to be perfect, it's all about writing down the information rather than going straight forward. After you have the major plot points and dialogue to the chapter, its time to focus on the little details. Add some minor yet efficient details that will enhance your paragraphs. Because you wrote down the plot points and dialogue for the chapter, you don't have to worry about thinking what to do next as its already written down.
Hope this helps.
4070306 haha i do have the motivation, else i wouldnt be here but i simply lack the time needed to sit and write
Anyhow, thanks for the advice. It good to know other points of view.
I usually imagine two or three steps ahead to have a general idea of where i'm going and then fill what happens inbetween.But thats not the problem. I already know how it will end. The problem is that developing the story takes a lot of time because of the way i do it. Not sure about the others but I'm doing it in the most psicologically accurate way possible. And puting oneself in their "shoes" and simulating the situation, what and how they think and how they would react takes time. It must look like something they would do after all. Something that could actually happen and make sence when you look at the series from this new perspective. (like if i were to write a spike x fluttershy fic, it would make sence for her to have a thing for baby dragons since s1e1, obviously she wouldnt seduce him around other ponies, but no one knows what would happen if spike had to stay at her place for a few days...)
4072690 Well if that's your way of doing it then that's fine too.
4679211 see, i replied quickly. I'm not dead guys, just busy. I've been drawing too, i'm just getting to the point where my stuff is good enough to clop to it. (i spent 12 days with the last one, if only writing were as straight forward as drawing...)
As for the story, i'm at the last part of chapter 3. I just had a few RL problems and got a bit depressed. Still never forgot about it. It may take me a while, but i'm not giving up.
wow I thought this story was dead...What a pleasant surprise. But seriously this story is good. I look forward to chapter 4.
p.s. First comment.
I really do hope that you are able to get Ch 4 out relatively soon.
It was a good chapter!
And it seems that for something juicier we'll have to wait for chapter 4.
Interesting, what's up with that Pinkie's book. Did she write FlutterBelle romance story?
Or the whole story before this moment was just that Pinkie's story, and in reality it wasn't happening...
Oh, one little typo.
saw
5021661 mmmmm maybe......you'll have to wait till chapter 99 to find out
and thanks for pointing out the typo. Don't worry, i'll make sure my editor understands the shame he has caused to this honourable story. I'll make sure he commits sudoku for this.