- Member Since 24th Aug, 2013
- offline last seen Yesterday
Applepip
Just your average pony nothing to see here!
Applepip
Joined 24th Aug, 2013 ·
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So cute.???? I LOVE IT
When I read the title, I so thought of the song from Aladdin.
YES finaly another derpy and human story ty so much making this awsome story that im looking forward to more
7270434
Cant wait to see more and i love it wen he walks throught the town and dont give a shit about the stares
7422460 I have the new chapter in the works should be out tomorrow
Good to see another chapter and the cliffhanger made me smile so much idk whu
A bit rough grammatically, and I can't imagine Sparkler nor Dinky saying, "mum," as most ponies in Ponyville have Canadian/American accents. The ones who don't aren't from Ponyville originally.
Other then that, pretty good start.
This has a lot of potential, but needs an editor. It's also a bit rushed, as it's only chapter 3 and stuff like this is happening. You need to establish the world a little more. I'll keep this tracked, but I'm going to hold off reading until this is edited.
NICE!
-Ru
I think I can fap to this
jk
7422460 (Music plays)
F**K THE POLICE COMING STRAIGHT FROM ANOTHER WORLD
I want more NOW! ..... please?
I have not read a fic like this in a long time. It's so engaging and I feel like it connects with me because of the realistic interactions between characters. I will continue reading, and I simply want to say that I love this story and look forward to seeing more!
Clop chapter next? Lol.
Okay so, my overall review is that this is a great story. A fantastic story. I thoroughly enjoy it and can't wait for more!
I would like more pls~
daw
More.
I demand more, don't hold out on me dude, give me more!
8409234
I am writing more but the comp I right on I think is gone this time and I'm currently moving stuff over to new comp but I need to get the stories out of my old comp first. When that happens you shall have more but in the mean time I can't update....sorry!
i got a feeling that this guy has his own wife and kids back on earth
if i ever end up in equis i will have to remember that pie line
i went to click next and i couldnt it caught me off gaurd so much with how invested i was
I'm so happy to see this isn't dead!
Great work, a few errors but great work all the same.
this is adorable
that is clever and funny good job
Nice simple chapter, good work.
well that got instense btw as a frame a refrense from when Michel entered Equestria to now how much time has past?
9151653
It's roughly 2-3 months since Michael entered Equestria. I will point out that there will be more time jumps in future chapters and one will be a big one of about 6 months or so. Just as a warning.
9151666
alright thanks because it just seems like maybe 2 weeks have past since he first fell in equestira
michel seems a little bland to me don't get me wrong its a great chapter and i love the story but it feels like im haveing cornflakes when i could have raisin brand crunch
9286661
This story though is more about the characters and how their lives play out. Michael won't gain any powers or abilities but later he will gain more memories back and his past will get revealed. This story is my first foray into the slice of life cat and I find these type of stories hard er to write than ones with OP characters.
9288511
i never said anything about powers but his personallity could use some work
9288535
His personality will change but after more of his memories get unlocked. The reason I have written him like he is is because two thirds of his past is missing so he doesn't know who he is or what he was. In reality our personalities are the sole collections of our experiences and memories. I you lost one or the other you will lose most of yourself in the process.
9288538
hmm fair enough but that doesn't totally excuse his cardbord personally if hes been in equestria for what 6 months now
I’m sorry, I don't like doing this. I downvoted and you deserve to know why. I saw this mentioned in at least one comment before, but you move this story way too fast. There is absolutely no set up, no dialogue that lets us get to know the characters, and events happing in such rapid succession that you break out of the immersion you are trying to create. You might have a goal in mind that you are trying to reach, but your set up to it is shoddy. Let dialogue last longer, describe what is going on in their heads more, describe the setting. This idea had potential but the more I tried to continue the more I found myself looking for more in each scene you tried to craft.
Also on a more personal note, your portrayals of characters are very one dimensional. I also find myself disliking them the more you try to make them into characters because how you introduced them initially, it feels forced.
In my opinion this needs a rewrite, pronto. Have a good day and I hope you can take something from this critique to be able to improve.
9327489
I'm sorry to ask and thank for your input but after reading your comment I kind of had more questions than realisations. You say you look for more descriptions about the characters yet we know who the characters are. The only one is Michael to develop but I can't until the story gets further along. The comment about you looking for more in a scene I tried to craft but I'm not really sure what you mean about that? As we know what ponyville looks like. We know what Twilight's castle looks like so i can't really expand on that or the story will have pointless description. This story isn't about Michael becoming a soldier or fighting or having any massive change happen to him. This story is about how if we as humans would try and fit in in a new world. Yet with most of our memories gone and slowly returning. Michael will develop over time as more and more of his memories return but if I try and expand him now I might as well stop writing to this story and move on as the stories purpose is Michael. Again I thank you for your input but I need more explanation on what scene you felt lacking or what point you thought a character could have been expanded upon.
9329152
Im listening to the story now, so Im not entirely sure where he is coming from, but I will add a review when Im finished. As for your comment. I agree 100%. Nothing makes my head slam into the desk more that when i come to a "She wore a," when a character first meets all the main six. This is because I know that without fail each description, including breast size will include every single piece of clothing worn by every single on of the characters. It generally ends up being a 45 minute waste of my time. We already know, at this point, what the main 6 look like, what Ponyville looks like, the library, the castle, etc. Clothing should be left up to the imagination of the reader. How the HIE, got to Equestria, should be left to the imagination of the reader,
To be honest I'm sick of the "Waking up in the Everfree and immediately attacked by Timberwolves" schtick anyway. I prefer stories that start the HIE, walking out of a pony store with their groceries and heading back to their home. Why so many readers think this is a bad thing floors me.
Anyway, Im with you on the descriptions thing. Now on to the story to see if the commenter was right and you ended up too vague.
We shall see!!! (Maniacal Laugher slowly fades into echo)
The Monk
“On her doorstep was Twilight Sparkle. While Derpy deeply respected the mare, like most in Ponyville, they wished she'd either switch to decaf, or start hitting the harder stuff.” -Dan_s Comments
OK,
I don't want you to think of this as mean spirited, but more of constructive criticism.
On the descriptions, I can kind of see where he is coming from. You give basic descriptions which is fine, I think the issue is that you give the character no real emotion or opinion. even a "Michael was impressed." would be something to flesh out a bit more. Remember that while we know what things look like, a new arrival won't. They will notice things like the castle is crystal and the white pony shines and is twice the hight of the others. That surprising difference should be reflected in the character who is seeing this for the first time. This, is in my opinion what the commenter was talking about. Its not your descriptions, its more that, your not allowing stark differences to be surprising, when seen from a fresh set of eyes. That makes it come across flat.
Ill be honest, I stopped at the end of 6. I wanted to give you a second opinion of the flat descriptions comment so I stuck with it. I mean no offense, but it was clear from chapter 2 that I would not like your story and at that point I would have normally moved on with neither a thumbs up or down. Its not good or bad to be honest.
Here is my issue. The way you wrote your character, he comes across as neurotic. He reacts in ways that I personally can't see a normal person reacting if they were placed in the same situation. To your credit, his reaction on first contact is far better than most. I find the "Pants wetting" hyperventilating first meeting reaction to be ridiculous, and your version is much more realistic. So props for that.
Other than very few examples, his reactions don't make sense when viewed by a normal person. He is all over the place and reacting bizarrely even for a person with memory loss. Also the romance is absent and yet everyone has the hots for each other. Also makes little sense. I think its a matter of pacing, had the story been slowed down, and reasons for the emotional ties been shown, it might have worked better.
Again, this is all constructive criticism, and not meant to be harmful in any way. Writing is like playing an instrument , or painting on canvas, it take practice and repetition to perfect that art. Keep writing. and perfect your writing style. your not far off.
The Monk
“Puberty was a curse for those inflicted with it, and boundless amusement for others who survived the process.” -Scarheart
This is very rushed.
7635634
Not to be rude, but I believe 'a bit rushed' is an understatement...
Although, you're right; this story has potential & most definitely needs editing. I too, will not continue as well until said thing comes true.
11052021
Yeah, I was trying to nice