- Member Since 9th Jul, 2013
- offline last seen Dec 23rd, 2014
Diablomuerte2
The greatest source of inspiration for the stories I write is my insane day dreams.
Diablomuerte2
Joined 9th Jul, 2013 ·
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ok...iit was really good!
is there another chapter?
4709892 Nope just that one XD I wanted to try a Raridash one shot before I ever try making a Raridash multi-chapter story. My OTP is FlutterDash but I decided I want to branch out more.
Just bucking brilliant
So anything else cause I got one but it'll involves Spike.
Loved it keep up the good work
4710082 What? You mean another chapter? I mean it was a one shot but if I could actually find some way to continue this I could just make a follow up multi-chapter fic or something.
4710117 Ty :)
4710129 No I meant another one-shot.
If Rarity doesn't resist temptation she will be screwed in more ways than one.
I see what you did there
Good grammer, nice pace. all and all, a very good story. Have a like.
4710347 I shall take it :) btw I forgot to thank my pre readers so let me go do that.
4710362 Thanks and thanks for the pre-read :P
Wow
Your writing is identically similar to Jake R. Are you the same person?
4710596 Nope not him.
4710596
Not possible. Jake R writes only once every few months. I think there's also a condition about planets aligning.
A rather enjoyable read. I always like to see Rainbow Dash drunk. I did think Rarity was a little OOC here, but it was still great. But I can't help feeling that she was taking advantage of the situation. She's usually a mare with principles, so she wouldn't exactly seem the mare to just 'go for it', if you catch my drift (unless she was horny as anything). And that includes her friends, under the influence or not.
I wasn't exactly digging the marriage thing. It seemed a little too out there, and considering Dash's condition of intoxication, it wasn't really that valid either. She wasn't entirely consenting properly, and I would have thought one of their friends would have talked sense into the situation, as much as Rarity might have wanted it.
But personal negative stuff aside, again, this was a good read. I didn't count how many times Rarity came, but I know it was more than once, which is always nice to see.
And that final sentence. Oh man, you cracked me up there. Good job!
4710843 Yeah the marriage was sort of out there but that was the point. She was drunk when she said "I will marry you..." and then woke up married XD.
As for the friends it was late night when they got woken up. How alert would they be about Rainbow's Status especially if drunk and tired are sometimes mistaken for one another.
But thanks for the read and for the comment, much appreciated.
4710596 Okay so now you're being a dick. First you say my writing style is similar then you edit it to say identical. Look if you don't like me fine but don't try spreading rumors or claim I am someone else.
So on the plus side, yay for sexytimes between Rarity and Rainbow Dash.
Unfortunately even just taking this as a mindless clopfic, the sex itself was unnatural feeling. Some portions the level of detail seemed to lean to ward the graphic side but didn't quite achieve "porn quality" that could have been funny. Other parts the detail dropped off to "made for TV" levels as if the author were embarrassed by what they were writing and just wanted to skip on to the punchline at the end.
More on the technical side of the writing, the point of view shifts from Rarity at the start to Dash at the end. That much if OK as it conveys the joke. The problem is that the sex in the middle is all muddled up as the POV shuffles back and forth erratically. Perhaps for many readers that doesn't matter because most of the blood is supposed to be trapped in your penis by this point and you're trying to go for some sort of impressionist style of sex scene. If so you still did a poor job of building us up to that state. Not to mention some of us don't have such faulty equipment, and I hope males able to retain their faculties while erect are not rare.
The strap-on was actually a welcome component. When Dash said she was "packing heat" I immediately dreaded the inevitable futa I was about to be subjected to. So thank you for not going there. Well, almost. As I said above, the sex was unnatural. Once the minor relief that there would not be mare-penis forced into the scene wore off, I immediately paused and entertained an image of a dunk Rainbow Dash flying over Ponyville wearing a sex toy. That could have been worked into the comedy, but was left flaccid. Instead we got a rather weak big of sex where rather than show us what is going on the author is clearly retreating from the scene and leaving the presumably male audience to fill in with their own imaginations, using the toy as a substitute for their penis while doing Rarity.
From Rarity's participation in the sex we get nothing. She gets on her back and provides a hymen to break, because what else is a vagina good for? The whole virginity/marriage thing I'll get to later. We revisit her perspective not to get her side of the experience, but to further the dialogue.
So as far as clop goes, enjoy your upvotes. It has enough naughty words and passable grammar to provide fap-material to the little boys, but it is far from good even as that.
As for the comedy, let me preface that American Pie is one of my favorite movies. Sex is the funniest thing on the planet, from the antics people go through to have it or pretend they don't want to have it, to the act itself, to the consequences after. While there was some effort spent to make things humorous with Dash's dialogue during the sex, it didn't really do much for me. It wasn't really over the top enough to be parody, it wasn't really slurred-silly for drunken funny, and it wasn't really "dirty talk" funny either. It felt sort of like some macho boy in a bar, which is fitting, but it just wasn't... enough.
As for the main joke of the fic: Dash gets drunk and ends up married to Rarity. It is a classic joke that has been the core concept of several movies. This particular rendition is just really weak though for a variety of reasons.
One of the biggest problems with the base premise though is the rape problem. While the above joke is a classic one, it touches on a very real problem, and treats it so casually as to be disturbing instead of funny. In this story "everything is OK" because Dash decides she is OK with it, because the author says so. In reality, getting drunk and having sex with one of your friends ends up destroying friendships, creating legal battles, and tons of misery. It would not be unrealistic for Dash to feel used and betrayed by Rarity. Dash was so intoxicated she couldn't remember the events of over a day, then she was in no position to give consent to sex, let alone get married. Having such a huge change to her life with no real say in it may not come up in the scope of this mindless clopfic/comedy, but those of us with some years of life experience can and should be fairly horified by the ending.
Then on to the mechanics of alcohol. Obviously this is a land of magical talking ponies, and alcohol could easily work differently for them than it does for us. The problem is that as humans, it does work a certain way for us, and we bring with us an expectation that things work they way they do for us unless care is taken to ease us into the difference. No such thing was done here, so regardless of how it works in the headcanon of our author, we're left with a ridiculous presentation of the effects of this drug. In specific we're given the symptoms that Dash is only buzzed, and still capable of enough motor control to a) walk b) have sex and is also coherent enough to convince Rarity that she is competant to make decisions apparently. Yet she is intoxicated enough to have blacked out memory for over 24 hours. Long enough to sleep after sex, wake up, get married, have more sex, then sleep again at the honeymoon. All the while able to act in sufficiently normal enough manner that all their friends don't suspect anything is wrong and go through with assiting in the wedding.
There is silly for the sake of comedy, and there is plain just failing to understand the subject matter. I think I got a better understanding of what alcohol does from watching Looney Toons growing up.
So if we somehow set aside our disbelief enough to get to the end, we're gifted with... not much at all. No outrage or stress or antics over this new state of affairs. Dash thinks about it for a few paragraphs, shrugs, and bangs Rarity some more. We're already dealing with an over the top depiction of Dash's drunkeness. Where is all the craziness and funny to go with it?
So with the clop and comedy elements covered, there really isn't much left to salvage this fic. Rarity is presented to us as a fairly air-headed bimbo. She loves making dresses, she's lonely, she's oblivious to things to which in canon it is established she is well aware of (Secret of My Excess: Spike's feelings for her). She has a rather difficult to accept combination of being conservative enough to value her virginity to the extent of only giving it to somepony she is going to marry, yet is willing to give it up before that marriage with nothing but the drunken promise of her friend. After that we don't really get to see much else of Rarity as we shift mostly to Dash's perspective.
Dash is presented as more or less some guy. Specifically a sterotypical young frat boy. In an ironic twist she is the one date-raped while drunk, but it's not like this story has a firm grasp on it's characters anyway. Completely missing are any of her major personality traits that could have led to a lot of funny interactions, such as her ego and need for attention and praise. Gone is her competitive nature. I suppose you could argue her meek acceptance of her fate at the end is a gross mangling of her element of Loyalty.
Thankfully the other characters in the show are only mentioned rather than having active roles in this story to be mutilated. So it is actually rather impressive that without actually being in the story, you managed to mess up characters like Twilight Sparkle, whom I will focus on as an example. Twilight officiates the wedding between Rarity and Rainbow Dash. We don't get to know the details, because we skip past all that complicated stuff (which could have been really funny maybe), but somehow she managed to miss the fact that Dash is completely intoxicated. We can reasonably expect that she may have asked a little bit about why the two need to get married, and all the other stuff close friends would want to know before a wedding. It's not like she has experience with surprise weddings or anything... oh wait.
Now imagine how the other three friends would react to the situation once it was revealed to them. Simply by omission, we miss out on tons of "What!?" reactions from them. Lets focus a little on Applejack though. She knows Dash was drinking, as she provided the cider. The first mention was Rarity noting that Dash was drunk "as if she had partaken from AJ's hard cider kept for special occasions" but then later placed it as fact rather than assumption when she mentioned Dash flying to her place instead of Fluttershy's (which is closer to Sweet Apple Acres). So what about her part in all this?
Dash has also apparently slept around a lot. Maybe with some of her other friends, maybe with various background ponies. Missing is any love triangle shinanigans that could have added funny moments and things to the story.
There is so much this story could have been that would have made it worth reading. Instead we got the uncomfortable parts, and a hint of the sexy parts. It was badly executed. Still, it has some value. By looking at what makes this such a terrible fic, we can all grow from this experience and learn from it to do better. This is how not to do it.
4711132 Well I am not going to bash you for writing such a long and negative comment because negative feedback helps me grow as a writer just as positive feed back does.
I can understand your disappointment in which the fic probably suffered from the fact I mainly write FlutterDash and haven't broken from that mold. This was the first fic I went out of my comfort zone so of course there was going to be some mishap.
While I might have rushed on the clop on accident I surely wasn't embarrassed of my work. I don't mind writing clop and I tried making the clop less about the fact they were having sex and more of the way it was being portrayed.
So thank you for reading my fic and hopefully you will enjoy my future work.
4711589 I can understand and I thank you for reviewing it. I understand the wedding is far-fetched but it wasn't meant to be taken seriously. It was supposed to be surreal since it was meant for humor sake. I guess I didn't deliver it as such so I probably should have done something less random. Still I appreciate the comment and glad you read it. :)
This is now the third raridash clopfic I've faved that had the exact same cover art…..
I feel dirty for liking a Rainbow/Rarity story ...
oh...
Okay, everything happening so quickly is a bit hard to swallow but the love and raunchiness of this story more than makes up for it. I can even see Rainbow Dash staying married to Rarity, she's cool.
4732036 That's normally how it happens, one moment you're assuring yer friends you can hold yer shit and the next your married.
4713614 Considering the material, we should all feel at least a little bit dirty.
4759191 Ah...the wonders of alcohol.
I i'm not so sure of the last line of the story but the rest of it seamed okay to me.
4760164 agreed
Why did Rarity say "What on earth" She isn't on Earth. She is in Equestria sooooooo She would say "Rainbow what in Equestria are you doing"