Memories and Love
On the top of a steep cliff overlooking the roaring waves of the ocean below was a solitary wooden bench. Sitting on the bench was Spitfire, who recently returned from practice and was still wearing her Wonderbolts uniform, deciding to keep it on, the pleasant material feeling comfortable against her golden body. The chilly breeze blew across her face, her fiery mane and tail flowing smoothly in accordance to the wind. To Spitfire, it was the perfect spot and the perfect weather after a hard day of work.
However, things were different for her this time. It was only about a week ago when she nearly lost all of her hope, and thanks to Soarin, her trusted teammate and friend, she recognized that while life may push her around, she has a purpose in this world and she accomplished multiple admirable feats despite her young age. While she recognized her talents, the sheer power of Rainbow Dash and, by extension, the other Elements of Harmony, tickled her brain as she thought of it. How could one pony be so much more talented than everyone? Spitfire always knew that there were others better than her at a variety of things, and she accepted that, but for one pony to best her and every other pegasus at every measurable feature seemed quite odd to her. She wondered if the abilities bestowed upon the six when they used the Elements of Harmony to stop Nightmare Moon were powers beyond what many thought were capable. It was there she decided to do some research on the Elements of Harmony once she returned home, as she wondered what made Rainbow Dash so special.
Before Spitfire could move, she sensed someone approaching from behind. Turning her head and her body to find out who was advancing towards her, she saw Soarin, whose facial expression and posture displayed his jubilance. She never expected Soarin to be here, which made her curious as why he showed up now.
"Oh, hello there," said Spitfire. "What are you doing here?"
"Hi, Spitfire," replied Soarin. "I know that you like to go here sometimes, and I just wanted to talk for a bit."
"Sure, I've got time."
Soarin approached the bench and sat next to Spitfire. The two ponies stared at each other, smiles adorning their faces. "Spitfire, I know you're the captain and all, and we've known each other for a while, but I've never had a chance to learn about you."
Spitfire raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?" she asked with a hint of confusion.
"What hobbies do you have? Come on, you gotta have some."
"Well, um, I, I like to read. I like to learn about things. I've always enjoyed flying."
"What's your favorite book?"
"Huh?" Spitfire's confusion reached new levels, completely unaware as to why Soarin was asking these questions. "Um, I like The Adventures of Smart Cookie. The book has a lot of interesting themes and provides a nice visual of life before Celestia and Luna arrived on the scene."
"That's pretty cool. I'm not much of a reader myself, but I do remember liking the Daring Do series."
"Those are pretty popular. Speaking of which, how do you feel about Rainbow Dash?"
"Hmm, I think she's nice, but I must admit that her upstaging the team whenever she's nearby makes me jealous. Sure, it was only three instances, but it's still embarrassing."
"I know. Ever since the Siege of Canterlot, I've been sending letter after letter to get her to show up for things that could help her make her way up to where we are, but she rarely ever accepts."
"Why did you start at the Siege of Canterlot? She got captured, while the Wonderbolts kicked a lot of changeling flank."
"She was so brave, albeit inexperienced in dealing with changelings, so I felt as though she was ready to begin her climb up the ranks, but I wish I knew why she never replied."
Soarin patted Spitfire on the back in a comforting manner, cheering her up slightly. "Don't worry about her, she's, well, lazy would be putting it lightly, which makes her talent so hard to explain. I wish I knew her secret."
Spitfire sighed. "Me too, Soarin. Me too."
"The second reason I wanted to talk to you was if you knew what made Rainbow Dash such a good flier."
"And the first would be to get to know me better?"
"Yep. In fact, let's talk about our past."
"Yeah, to a time when the world felt stable, and there wasn't some ancient evil trying to kill us all every three months. I miss those days."
"Me too. Do you want to start?"
"Certainly. I'll talk about something from my childhood that I fondly remember."
Cloudsdale Elementary was as lively as it had always been. Pegasi and griffons flew around the school, going from class to class. One of these students was a yellow filly named Spitfire, who always managed to get the best grades of the class, much to the bafflement of the other students. Some ponies were even considering bumping her up a grade, but unbeknownst to them, there was something Spitfire was terrible at. Try as she might, she could never build up the courage to talk to a classmate or make friends. Her bravery when it involved activities outside of socializing were admirable, but whenever a pony at or near her age came along, all of her courage would evaporate. That was part of the reason why she was called the loner of Cloudsdale Elementary, the other reason being that she always ate lunch by herself, while the other kids typically had someone with them. Spitfire knew that she had trouble socializing, but for her, this day would be like no other.
On this particular day, Spitfire was eating lunch by herself as usual, sitting in a shady spot outside instead of the benches and tables the other students conglomerated at, but then something happened that she never expected. Someone sat next to her.
Spitfire turned her head and saw a blue colt, who was a few grade levels above her, with a flowing blue mane and a winged thunderbolt for a cutie mark. Confused as to why he was sitting next to her, Spitfire turned back to her lunch slowly and continued eating, until the colt spoke up.
"Hello there," said the colt nervously.
"Um, hi?" muttered Spitfire, sounding even more anxious than the colt. "Who are you?"
"I'm Soarin. It's nice to meet you. What's your name?"
"Huh?" Nobody had ever asked Spitfire her name, and nobody seemed to want to be her friend, so why was Soarin acting towards her like this? Was he in on some prank? "I'm, I'm, um."
"It's okay, I won't hurt you. I promise."
"I'm Spitfire." The filly tried her best to hide her anxiety, but her facial expression clearly showed that it wasn't working.
"Spitfire. That's a nice name."
"Um, thanks, but why are you talking to me?"
"It's, well, because my friends are all sick or skipping school, and I need someone to talk to."
"But why me?"
"Because you looked so lonely, and I wanted to cheer you up."
Spitfire raised an eyebrow, her face appearing puzzled. "Cheer me up? I'm a mean pony."
"Why are you mean?"
"Because sometimes, I say something that I shouldn't."
"Don't we all?"
Spitfire looked back at Soarin, an expression of astonishment now painted across her face. "Huh?"
"Nobody is perfect. Believe me, I'm a sports star and I still mess up."
"Sports? Well, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"I, well, I, um, um, I want to be a Wonderbolt. Can I do that?"
"Of course. I also want to become one. Come on, let's be friends, I'll help you if you need it."
Spitfire gazed at Soarin as though he was an alien. Nobody had ever offered their friendship to her, let alone that quickly. Closing her eyes and analyzing the possibilities, she concluded that accepting him as a friend would be brave, which she always wanted to be, and since he appeared to be kindhearted, she failed to find any risks. "Okay. I've never met someone around my age that was this nice to me, so I'll accept. By the way, do you know what my cutie mark means?"
Soarin looked at where Spitfire's cutie mark was. It was a stylized flame that looked akin to a phoenix. For someone that was known for being the class nerd of her grade, having that instead of a quill or a book for a cutie mark confused him. "Do you remember when you got it?"
"It's when I was flying quickly."
"There's your special talent. We should talk with each other more."
"Agreed. I hope everything goes well for you."
"Same here, Spitfire."
"Okay kids," a voice shouted in a gruff tone. "Lunch time is over, it's time to get back to class. Hurry up."
"It was nice meeting you, Spitfire," said Soarin with a smile on his face.
"It was nice meeting you too, Soarin," replied Spitfire, forming a cute grin on her face that made Soarin blush slightly. The two went their separate ways, glad that they made a new friend, and were ready to return to the confined space of the classroom.
"That was a great story," said Soarin excitedly. "Was that the first time we ever met?"
"I believe so," replied Spitfire with a touch of confidence. "Even though it was about a decade ago, it shows that our old selves still reside within us."
"Since when did you become a philosopher?"
Spitfire giggled. "It's based off of a story I read."
"I see. Anyways, I have a story of my own, and it's also from when I was young. It was a day that changed my life forever."
"How so?"
"It's was when I knew I wanted to join the Wonderbolts."
"Sounds interesting. I joined some time after you did, age restrictions and all, so I'm interested in hearing how it happened."
Soarin took a deep breath and cleared his throat. "Alright, here's the story."
School ended, and Soarin couldn't wait to head back home. As much as he loved hanging out with members of the baseball team he was a part of, nothing beat the bliss of reclining on his living room couch and resting after another challenging day of school. He wasn't lazy by any means, but sometimes he recognized that his body could use a rest every once in a while. Unfortunately for him, that break wouldn't be coming any time soon, as he heard a sinister voice yell in the distance.
"Get lost, nerd, nobody will ever like you," the voice shouted. Soarin crept towards the source out of curiosity and noticed a brown pegasus scowling at a younger yellow pegasus. Soarin rubbed his eyes upon recognizing who the two ponies were. The bully was none other than Dumbbell and the one being bullied was the filly he hung out with occasionally, Spitfire, who seemed to be reflecting Dumbbell's insults by standing perfectly still. Soarin knew that she might get hurt if things got out of hoof, which resulted in him instinctively rushing in between the two and once he was in front of Dumbbell, he glared at him, an intense flame lit in his eyes.
"Leave her alone," ordered Soarin.
"And what are ya gonna do?" retorted Dumbbell, a wave of cockiness defining his behavior.
"I'm gonna do whatever it takes so that you don't hurt this little filly."
"So the dork needs a knight in shining armor. Typical."
"He's more than a knight, he's a friend, and I'll protect him as well if you dare lay your hoof on him," shouted Spitfire as a shock of bravery ran through her body, her eyes filled with tears.
"Amazing, so you do have courage. Since when did that happen?"
"Because this pony taught me what it takes to be a Wonderbolt."
"Oh, so that's it. Come on, Soarin. I thought you were cool, and cool ponies don't help losers."
"She's not a loser," shouted Soarin at the top of his lungs. "She's a great pony, and she may even be my best friend."
"You're gonna dump all of your coolness to help this filly? Nobody on the team will like you anymore."
Soarin gulped, fearful of how his teammates would react, but when it looked like all hope was lost, Spitfire, of all ponies, marched up to Dumbbell and scowled at the bully.
"So what if he's cool or not," yelled Spitfire, determination rushing through her veins. "He's a great pony and a great friend. Coolness shouldn't be the number one priority of defining a pony anyways, it should be what's on the inside."
"Says the pony that wants to be a Wonderbolt," responded Dumbbell in an insulting tone.
"I want to be a Wonderbolt not to be seen as cool, but to become a better pony. What I mean by better is that I'll learn so much and become stronger, not just physically, but emotionally as well. As I was saying, even if Soarin is seen as "uncool", he has a quality much more important, a big heart of gold."
"You really mean that?" said Soarin, fighting back tears as much as he could.
"I do. I speak from the heart, and no matter what happens, no matter if he or I make a mistake, I'll try my best to be as good of a pony as I possibly can."
"Well then," mocked Dumbbell. "Can you—"
Before Dumbbell could move, he saw the principal approaching and thinking quickly, he flew as far away as he possibly could. Neither Soarin nor Spitfire knew what he was going to say, but when they turned around and saw the principal escorting a yellow filly with a pink mane and a black eye, the two of them looked concerned for the poor filly.
"Oh my gosh," said Spitfire. "Is she okay?"
"She is," replied the principal. "I'm taking her to the medical office."
"Can we help her in any way?"
"Sorry, but once you're older, you can help as much as you want."
Soarin turned to the yellow filly and smiled. "What's your name?"
"Um, I'm Fluttershy," the filly meekly replied.
"I'm Soarin, and this is Spitfire. If you ever need help, we'll be glad to assist you."
"Thank you."
"By the way, have you seen a brown colt named Dumbbell?" asked the principal.
"We have," responded Spitfire. "He went down the hall, but after that, we don't know."
"I see. Thanks for your help."
"You're welcome."
As the principal trotted down towards the medical office with Fluttershy, Spitfire and Soarin turned towards each other, feeling a wave of confidence inside of them. For some reason, they knew that encounter would be one they would never forget.
"I'm ready to train to become a Wonderbolt," said Soarin. "How about you?"
"So am I," replied Spitfire. "Soon, we'll help so many ponies in the world. It'll feel great."
"I agree. Wanna go get some ice cream?"
"Sure. I'd love to."
Soarin and Spitfire trotted out of the school building and towards the ice cream parlor across the street. What neither of them knew at the time was that both of them had a wing wrapped around the other, a sign of strong camaraderie or love in pegasi culture. The two of them were never happier in their lives, and felt glad to have become friends.
"How could I forget about that?" asked Spitfire. "That was one of the most memorable days of my life."
"Why didn't you interrupt me?" responded Soarin in a teasing tone.
"I didn't want to be rude, especially to you given what happened before."
"I understand." Soarin paused for a moment, but his eyes lit up like light bulbs shortly after. "By the way, I think I noticed something in common about our stories. We both appear in them."
"There's something even bigger than just that."
Soarin's curiosity was piqued. "How so?"
"Our stories involved being helped by another. You helped me find a friend and I helped you deal with Dumbbell."
"You're right." Soarin paused and looked at Spitfire with a caring expression. "You know, I think I want to confess something."
"What's the problem?"
"It's not a problem at all. You know in that last story I told, I wrapped my wing around you. It's something I should've confessed a long time ago."
"It's okay. I did the same for you, but why do you bring that up?"
"It's just that, that I love you."
"You mean—"
"Yep. I love you, more than any mare I've ever known. Our experiences together, though they had ups and downs, made us stronger, and I've fallen for you."
"Even after I—"
"Yes. It was a misunderstanding anyways, remember?"
"I do. It's just going to take some times to shake off the memories of that day."
"I know."
"By the way, I love you too. You're the best pony anyone could ever ask for and are always there when I need someone to help me get on the right track."
Soarin and Spitfire smiled and closed their eyes, their lips puckered and then, the magic moment occurred, and their lips pecked each other. The two backed off, their smiles wider than ever. Starting today, they were now more than just friends who worked together, they were lovers who worked together, and their hearts were warmed with a feeling of love that would make the Princess of Love blush. The pair took off into the sky to return home, highly anticipating the next day of work, where they'd tell their friends of their new relationship.
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Cool story bro
You asked, so I'm going to be real with you here. Brace yourself.
You have been warned.
Right as you open up the story, you have some telling.
You also have some very shallow descriptions.
Repeated word. Out of all the words in the English language, you really don't have to repeat this this close to this other instance of this. See my point? XD
And some unnecessary passive voice.
Overall, a shaky start. Let's go on.
Paragraph two goes on and begins with some exposition.
Pretty much this entire paragraph (still talking about 2 here) is what you call an info dump. Basically, you are just dumping the main conflict of the story right here. It should have been done much slower, more drawn out, and with dialogue (either partly or in whole).
More telling.
In direct address you place a comma before the name.
Even more telling.
Spitfire opens up too quickly, for me. She the captain; she's above that. Also, why does she stutter? It's a simple enough question.
More telling.
This is what you call Talking Heads. Look down at the words. See anything at all that tells you what their bodies are doing? That's bad. I'm sure they're doing something besides existing.
Ouch. This almost hurt. It feels really, really forced. No one talks like that.
I would keep going, but I don't have the time. Either way, it looks like these errors are a constant throughout your story—the major ones, anyways. (The story is riddled with telling, talking heads, and info dumps.) So once you learn how to see these, you can catch them by yourself.
Overall, the story is poor and needs a large amount of polish before it can shine. All writing is, however, good practice, so don't lose hope.
I will be happy to answer any questions, so feel free to ask them.
Enjoy an hour of my time. (a.k.a. Please don't delete this.) And feel free to check out one of my stories.
An enjoyable read.
MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Evening Skies of Nostalgia
Grammar score out of 10: 8
Pros
The idea of a park bench atop a cliff above a beach creates a nicely isolate atmosphere to allow for intimacy between the characters.
Good characterization of Dumbbell as a bullying jerk who isn't smart enough to even come up with good insults.
I the beginning it has an almost Waiting for Godot quality.
Cons
I think it fails to reach the reader on an emotional level. Stories about characters telling stories are challenging because you have a second layer of suspension of disbelief to penetrate.
You have a lot of bald dialog where the characters speak back and forth without being identified and without mentioning things like facial expressions and other non-verbal cues and responses. Even when nothing is happening, create action! Even at the end, "In that last story, I wrapped my wing around you." That's very important and should have been introduced through action. It would have given you a change to break up the story. Also, the italics are generally reserved for introspection or internal dialog. Here you are using them in lieu of dialog. The characters should be saying these things to one another with action interspersed, even if it is just one of them looking out at the beach while listening to the other.
The declaration of love at the end is so matter of fact and it is accepted without much emotional exercise. That's the climax of the story; something has to happen there other than "By the way, I love you too," followed by a pucker and a peck.
Soarin-Spitfire is a good potential romance, but you really need to go after the "competent , overachieving leader falls in love with breezy, overconfident subordinate." You could take a page from Top Gun on that one.
I hope this was helpful to you! Please help me out by looking at Pretzels. Thanks!
4636259 You managed to make it to the end?
Anyways, thanks for subjecting yourself to this story to give me advice. I'll be sure to check out your story sometime today. Anyways, do you have advice or examples on how to avoid bald dialogue? It's one thing I struggle with, so any help would be appreciated.
4636723 "Can you help me with my dialog?" Manaphy's eyes held an expression of desperate pleading.
"There's nothing in writing that can't be improved through the application of a few beers." Charelzzz stood and limped over to the refrigerator, and returned with a couple of Corona Lights. "Here you go," said the large, grey haired engineer, twisting off the caps and setting one in front of his supplicant.
"But I'm not twenty-one yet!" Manaphy looked at the amber liquid with something like fear.
"Dude, it's fiction; don't sweat it." Charelzzz raised his bottle to the younger man's and clinked it. "The key is to remember that during a conversation, things are constantly happening, even if nothing significant to the plot is happening. Describe the characters and the nonverbal parts of the conversation." Charelzzz opened his hand while speaking as though to reveal a secret held within.
Manaphy's eyes widened in sudden comprehension. "Oh, I get it!" He smiled picked up the beer and held it aloft. "Wow, this stuff sure works!"
"It did wonders for Hemingway." The two friends brohoofed and spent the rest of the afternoon drinking beer and watching MLP on Netflix.
4636871 Best. Example. Ever. Thank you so much!
This story was great! I saw what you said on looking for editors and this is what I have to say; it was an enjoyable read and I loved it except for one part. The way soarin confessed his love for spitfire just kind of seemed flat. It felt like there should be some more emotion he was kind if like: I love you. And spitfire was like: oh I didn't know that... I love you too. So maybe if you just make it harder for him to confess and her a little more shocked it might make it better. All in all, fantastic and far better than I could do!
4639852 Actually, it's rather terrible. A rating of 14-3 is mediocre, but you're welcome to your own opinion. The only reason I keep this stain up is because I was told to do so as a learning experience. In all honesty, it's surprising that its rating isn't even worse.