Celestia likes her evening walks. Luna doesn't.
During one particular night of stargazing, she is going to find out why.
Enjoy.
Chapters (1)
Karrakaz
Joined 11th Nov, 2011 ·
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Great story as always. This is how I always thought Luna would be like after returning, not the Luna thats seen in most fics now
Oh and also there is a small problem with this inn the middle of the story:
What a lovely story. It has a gentle pace to it.
Commence read.
This was an interesting read.
Dat was good fic.
I'd rather like to see just what Luna tells her sister the next day.
This story has three real issues which prevented me from really enjoying it: the first problem is with perspective switching, the second is with its prose, and the third was telling in weak ways.
The first problem, perspective, comes from the fact that we keep switching back and forth between Luna and Celestia without any real warning. We start out with Celestia's perspective, then we switch back to Luna's, then what feels like back to to Celestia's briefly before settlign on Luna for the rest of the story. While this can be done well, it tends to be difficult, and here, it just feels like I'm getting jerked back and forth; it is kind of confusing and draws my attention, when it should feel natural. It actually stops fairly promptly, but the introduction ended up throwing me out of the story because of the perspective shifts; it should have all been from Luna's perspective.
The other problems, the prose being weak and telly, crop up throughout the story. Take the introduction:
Now, being telly here isn't illegitimate. The problem here is with what we are told, and how we are told it. The first sentence is a run-on sentence, with no fewer than three commas in it and a whopping 49 words. That's a very long sentence! Yeah, sometimes it is appropriate for a sentence to be long, but here, it isn't even one thought really. Breaking it up could have lent additional power to it; we hear about her stopping to smell the roses, but in the end, we aren't really given any powerful context for it, any sort of meaning or emotional resonance. She smells the roses, but it is something she does because we're told it.
The next sentence feels awkward as well, starting off with an "And yet, despite the reason for her decision," which, first off, is pretty awkward, and secondly, kind of undermines what came before. We then go on to hear about her talking, but we're told what she's talking about rather than actually... you know, hearing her say them in character, which would have helped us engage with the story instead of holding it at an arm's distance, as we are told what is going on instead of being shown it firsthand, and not really for any good reason - hearing Celestia's voice here would have helped get us into the proper mindset for the story. The metaphor here didn't really work for me either - Celestia talking about her day doesn't seem like something I would describe as a tidal wave, and in any case it feels a bit unwarranted here.
This whole paragarph would have flowed a lot better if Celestia had just done things. Starting off with her enjoying the evening, that's fine, but then have her stop to smell the roses and savor the sunset before remembering that tonight wasn't like every other night because she had someone to share it with, and then going on to have her talk to Luna, with the dialogue going ahead.
I think the story also might have been made a lot stronger by picking one perspective - either Luna or Celestia - and sticking with it, letting the events show us how the other pony was feeling.
This is another example of weak prose. Telling us that a charcter was sad or felt sad is very weak. It is alright to describe how a character is feeling, but saying it outright, in a direct fashion like this, is very jarring. This is precisely the sort of thing where they tell you to show instead of tell because showing is more evocative; the truth is that a lot of this stuff is still telly, but it is a bit less direct. You can use body language to express it, or you can talk about how it made them feel more indirectly (weak, like a stone was sitting in their belly, drained, whatever), or you can even use some other words, but merely saying "X felt sad" is usually weak prose unless you have some very good reason for doing it - and here, you didn't. You could have used body language to express how Luna was feeling, or described it in a more showy way, but this was pretty meh.
Indeed, you went on to use body language later in the same paragraph to express her emotions, making the exposition here repetitive and pointless.
But I think directly telling us that a character felt sad generally is a mistake; it is alright to tell us that they felt sad, but just saying "X felt sad" detaches us from the story.
Why not just, "Humph. You wouldn't believe me if I told you." ?
We already got this from what she said, I think. If you wanted to express the childishness, you could have her pout or do something else.
Also, the whole following paragraph should have been broken up into three paragraphs:
Also, the "fighting like kittens with a ball of yarn" feels like a really bizarre metaphor here, because they aren't at all like kittens fighting with a ball of yarn.
All in all, this story really felt like it needed an editor. I like seeing your stories, it is why I followed you, and I liked the title of this story (Looking at the Scars is a cute title), and indeed the idea behind the story isn't a bad one (that Luna doesn't find joy because she doesn't look for it), but I just couldn't ever get into it because of the prose, the telling, and the perspective switching at the beginning.
4564172
You don't have to post it twice
Anyway... Yes it probably could use an editor, but it's one of those things I try not to worry too much about (I normally obsess over my writing to an unhealthy degree) This is a way of winding down from that, and that is going to lead to some mistakes.
I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it.
4564184
Ah, the joy of the double post. I really need to get a new mouse.
Is it bad that I had no idea what the story is about?
4569115
Ok. Never mind. I understand it now.
i think i understand, im not sure. Is it about luna not being happy?
Three things bug me in this one:
-There was no indication of when they sat down for Luna to spring from where she was sitting to jump at Celestia.
-How "an ant felt?" I'm not sure what you mean here but I doubt it has anything to do with being pierced through multiple layers. Ants are more likely one feeling small or one of many in a colony.
-I'm also stumped on the kittens fighting over a ball of yarn. There is a back and forth of sorts but if your going with the ball of yarn as what is not being told by one of the ponies and is un-raveling as they talk it would need to come up or almost be mentioned again or is it actually the two princess begin to bat, kick, roll around and bite at each other like kittens? I assume the metaphorical but that doesn't really seem to happen, the conversation seems very controlled and straight forward for the most part.
I loved the idea of Luna being jealous of Celestia and Celestia not helping matters by describing her day but the story feels weak.
needs end " marks.
__________________________________
T_T. Nicely done.
4572335
I don't believe you need to sit down in order to pounce on somebody (pouncing being a word akin to jumping which can be done from a standing position)
Other than that, perhaps you're right and I messed up the metaphors. All I can say is that they seemed clever at the time. I'll repeat what I told Titanium Dragon and say that this was written more as an attempt to relax from my normal writing and less as a magnum opus. Sorry you didn't enjoy it.
4573040
Fixed. Thanks.
4562566
Just realized I hadn't thanked you yet. Thanks.
4573662
You're welcome
, and are you working on Chapter 4 of Under Her Wings?
4574308
I am. It's currently 12000 words long and I'm still not finished.
4574332
WhooHoo! *dances* But yeah, take your time, after all good work can't be rushed to much.
4573662
I should have copied this bit when mentioning it,
"Luna scrambled from her seat and tackled Celestia with a hug. The force sent the both of them sprawling over a hedge and through the base of a statue, all of which only barely registered to her."
It never said when they or at least Luna sat down to get up and tackle Celestia.
It wasn't that I didn't enjoy it, I'm just really picky.
cute!
Delightful. I read the edited version, so it seems the issues mentioned in the comments have already been addressed. I kind of like to think this took place shortly before her visit to Ponyville for Nightmare Night. It would make sense.
Please keep writing, I'll keep reading!
4573662
No prob.
This is so awesome!
Well, I liked it. Good, gentle take on the sisters. Their usual fanon antics are cute and all, but it always struck me as a bit unrealistic to think they mended overnight and are back to pranking and back-talking merrily. It's as appropriate as it is rare to see them as they probably are - scarred, scared, and awkward around each other. Healing takes a long time.
Two thumbs. Way up.
Sweet, and very emotional, love it thanks for sharing
Now, I like this much more nuanced portrayal of the princesses. I particularly like that it examines an aspect of their characters that most fics don't. Most people deal with Luna and Celestia's reconciliation in big emotions and events, and this is more how that reconciliation plays out in the banality of day-to-day life, which is where the real healing has to happen.
Yay......:Good Job
eeyup:
Love stories like these.