Nightmares get to every pony, what are we afraid of that will haunt our dreams?
Inspiration for this came from having a rather vivid nightmare myself.
Enjoy.
Chapters (1)
Karrakaz
Joined 11th Nov, 2011 ·
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I basically agree with above (edit: it seems the comment was deleted). Don't be disheartened, though. You're writing isn't bad. You simply need to elaborate more. Don't tell the reader what happens; show it to us. Describe the details and flex out the emotions. After you create a plot you need to make sure it will leave its mark on the audience.
For example, I noticed how you use "The insistent light of the sun lit up the mare who had been slumbering peacefully" twice to describe the beginning of the nightmare and then later when Luna wakes up. I would have really stretched this out. You could have used the sun to torment Luna in the nightmare and then it would really give it meaning. You could stress some contrast there. I know you intended to mirror the two scenes but right now it's just repetition; it is something, but it leaves zero impact on me.
Keep practicing!
It was decent, but not great.There wasn't enough room for you to feel bad for Luna before she wakes up. Maybe explain that hour she spent, pawing at the ground and wracking her mind for Nightmare to answer.
I, too, agree with what has been said above. It is well written, better than a surprising number of other fics that get put up on this website. And the idea was good as well, I like the idea of Luna being tormented by nightmares, and I don't mean I like Luna being tormented, I mean the idea's good.
Just you need details of emotion and needs to be longer, that is all.
Keep it up, practice makes perfect and all of that other cliche trollop.
Not as sad as the white box
Although I admit that's a tough Mark to meet.
I really liked this story!
I know it wasn't perfect, but I love the style. It's an actual favorite for me now.
i2.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/006/151/tumblr_lltzgnHi5F1qzib3wo1_400.jpg
I came here expecting a pile of shite. it's not exactly good but it's not bad ether.
nice 5 bits says this might get home page
436384 Uh, that wasn't obvious? The title is "A nightmare of the moon".
I really liked it, but it felt like the ending was a little rushed. Other than that, nothing really annoyed me. Keep up the good work!
great idea, done well but still major room for improvement.
keep trying and you may well impress us all
This story... is short. However! It also shows a lot of promise and even as short as it is it is a marvelous piece of fiction. I would have expanded upon it more, but that may simply be my preference.
Very sweet. Nightmare's can really mess with your head and change how you look at someone, even if it's someone you care about. Talking with them about it and hearing them say some kind words usually helps clear everything up though. I would have loved it if Celestia had kissed the top of Luna's head to make her feel better.
The only suggestion I have to make is the punctuation. There's a few moments in some sentences where a comma is used, or sometimes no punctuation when a semicolon might help. It's kind of like taking a breath mid-sentence; you're still talking about the same subject, but you need that semi-colon to take a pause and expand upon that idea a bit further (see how I did that?)
Anyway, I loved it. You should write more often, if you feel like it.
I like this. Short, a little sad, but a comforting ending. There have been some good comments about adding to parts/changing some parts, but I have a slightly different question:
It seems that every sentence starts on a new line. Was this deliberate, or just an artifact of the uploader? It does give the story a different feel, one that fits with Luna's mental state; that her thoughts are random and flitting about, unable to focus and stay rational. If this was the intent, it worked for me! If not, then a happy discovery!
1727603
A happy discovery I would say, I don't really have what you'd call 'a style' just yet.
Something went horribly wrong here: I hadn't read this story until now. Very much liked it.
1863767
I'm nowhere as good as you just yet, but I'll get there eventually.
A short, sweet little story. I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for writing it.
Nice neat little story. I like the idea that nightmares got the name from Luna's darker side and not that Nightmare just chose that name because it was already a word.
Very nice, well done. :) Well written and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
I like the description of Nightmare being a sort of entity that itself is a nightmare - that was well written about too.
Makes me wonder if Celestia can even communicate important information without having to be cryptic the whole time. But I guess in dreams you got to talk quick before you fade out again. :P
Daaaawww! so… cute… thud.