- Member Since 1st Apr, 2012
- offline last seen Last Tuesday
darf
pony-writer/pornographer looking for work. old stories undeleted. i'm sorry. Patreon here
darf
Joined 1st Apr, 2012 ·
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I was the one who requested this story.
You delivered spectacularly. I know you said you've never written something like this before, but you pulled off this particular fetish perfectly, at least for me. It started off slow, of course, but I'm not worried about that. I asked you to make the transition gradual, and you did that quite well. Of course, there were some errors with spelling and wording, but you said you haven't given it a pass for editing yet, and they didn't ruin things for me anyway.
Overall, I'd just like to thank you for taking my request and definitely doing it justice. You done good, bwah.
dat title
Not sure if want or don't want
I'm not even sure I can clop to this. That was both sexy and creepy as hell. Emphasis on creepy.
This... is horrible. It's so amateurish. And the ending doesn't resolve anything. She's never cured. How is this romantic? Fetish clop is always the worst.
Wow, did Twilight take stupid pills? Why didn't she seek help? And what about her friends? This entire thing (the writing, the characters) seem so... it's like someones first time writing. Who would make such a spell, and why would it destroy her mind? Why would she use a spell in the first place?
Yeah, because Twilight doesn't study or asks for help, she just uses spells on herself. Yeah. And she never writes to Celestia about problems. Nope.
daaaaamn!! thas one bad unicorn bitch LMFAO!!
I'd say this is a horror story with sex in it, that's not really meant to turn you on, but disgust you; or rather, it starts turning you on and then it disgusts you and you recoil from yourself in horror. Since this is very much not my thing, despite me being a dirty person, I'm gonna refrain from giving it a thumbs up or thumbs down per se, but I have to say I admire the craftsmanship.
me gusta
This seems rather forced. Twilight never gets the idea to get help from someone else? For example, Princess Fucking Celestia?
The slut-transformation fetish is a dangerous one. It flirts quite heavily with misogyny by conflating female sexuality with stupidity and by sexualizing the destruction of someone's life. That's not to say that any treatment of this fetish should be banned (people have to get their rocks off somehow), or that it need be vile, but the author or artist depicting it must be careful.
I think that this story lacks that proper care. There are a number points in this story which evince this, but I will focus on the ending for simplicity's sake. You've destroyed the character of Twilight Sparkle at the end, slaved her to sexual desires, and eliminated her defining characteristic, her intellect. Now, that would be alright (you did label it dark), but this is a work of clop. The story's main purpose is gratification. Why is this ending gratifying? Why would you, or the reader want to see Twilight Sparkle end up like this? I can understand wanting to see the journey, for some it will be very erotic, but if the ending of this piece is satisfying then you have some issues.
A more fitting end would be her cure, or afterwards. That would certainly have fewer plot holes. Her not being fixed makes no sense! Spike will read the notes and contact Celestia, or even the author of the original spell. Her friends will be worried, and would do the same thing as Spike. We could see a new and transformed Twilight, as smart as before, but with an understanding of her sexuality.
Hell, why does her sexual awakening have to be accompanied by the death of her mind? A tale of the conflict between brain and increasingly insistent naughty bits would have room for just as much clop, but also a lot more introspection, conflict, and character growth.
Again, I'm not saying that clop is bad, or even that this fetish is bad, but your treatment leaves much to be desired. The story can be rescued with an additional chapter or two, but for now I must give "Twilight's Gradual Descent" a thumbs down.
Sincerely,
412964 How ironic is it that the one with 'derp' in their name has given the best and smartest comment so far? I like that.
413152 I bet this guy would hold that as a badge of honor. Someone should MST this.
People say this sucks while I say its awsome. :D
static.fjcdn.com/pictures/I_5e4fdd_1857619.jpg
413331 It would help your case if you explain why.
not much of an ending
still, me gusta
Okay, I made an account for this because damn it, it was going to happen sooner or later, why not for now.
I liked it. I really, really, really like it to the point of saving it to my 'favorites' folder. That is of course because it hits everything I like while being written proficiently and cleanly. I definitely want to see more like this.
The flaws are... more noticeable if only because others have noticed them before me. Scootaderp in particular hit almost every one of them on the nose. Why does the ending have to be so dark? Even if she can't find a fix for it, there are potentially omnipotent alicorns and understanding friends a simple message away from assisting. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth because in the end she is forced into a different character. Brain-dead super-slutty Twilight is very different from regular super-slutty Twilight.
If you read this Darf, please consider writing additional chapters. Not just for more fap fodder, but as a challenge to yourself to write a satisfactory ending for those who want Twilight in their Twilight clopfics.
P.S. The romance tag is misleading. Consider removing it.
412718 Well she wanted to know what romance is, but the spell was too powerfull and made her into a slut.I have no idea where her friends were.And about the supid pills, didn`t you see that the lust made her more and more stupid?
sadface
the plot and the ending are all the way the are because it that's the way it was requested
if i was writing the story on my own ambition i likely would have done things differently
but i mostly write for other people
though that seems to have been counterproductive here
still, sorry no one seems to be enjoying it
i'll crawl back into my hole now
WOW......SLUT MUCH! AWESOME
how did i get here?
and why do i love this?
omg its the birth of Slutty Pony
(i read to many odd fanfics)
she has gone cock crazy O_o
whoa whoa whoa, so thats it? shes now a mindless slut running about? if you did a better ending this would be awesome...
413407 I personally like the cloppiness of this fic but I do agree some of the set up is kind of poor. No offense to the author. May consider a pre reader? You have alot of potential and I don't want to see that go to waste.
needs an epilogue, where she is either cured or becomes the sluttiest slut in equestria
I find it particularly unlikely that Twilight would not seek out help. Either self would send a missive to the princess, whether asking Celestia to help reverse the spell... or Molestia to help sate her needs.
I'm going to read this.
But before I read this, I'm going to say to myself, very clearly.
THIS is an exploitation story. It focuses on a somewhat morbid or the like, subject, and that's basically it.
I'm NOT expecting a work of art. I'm NOT expecting three dimensional characters. I'm NOT expecting witty humor and an epic telling of scenes.
I'm expecting to see a hot nerd pony, turn into a sexy slutty pony.
That's it.
Unlike some people who read this story, (not everyone who didn't like this. Something tells me the reasons people disliked it are for the most part valid), I am not expecting a happy ending, or even a bittersweet one. I'm expecting her to be mind broken and go work as a sex slave or a hooker.
There's nothing wrong with that, in my opinion. I mean, there's plenty of good, beautiful works of literature in the world. Sometimes, I don't want a grand, cultured story. Sometimes, I just want to see sex and slutty mares. Sometimes, I just want something to clop to. No plot. No moral. Just clop.
Then again, I'm the kind of guy who can turn his brain off and watch a live action Transformers movie and enjoy it, so what do I know?
Either way, I'm reading this with an open mind.
415740
it is that, but to be fair i did try to use some more complex narrative framing elements, like the reoccuring focus on twilight's journal, as well as the couple outside her window. the story uses both elements to forward the progresion of the story arc, and they directly reflect twilight's mental degradation in the process
not like it's a real story or anything, but just saying
415707
i wasn't gonna say anything to all the people saying this, because i figured they're right about me being retarded
BUT
in my defense, if this was me, i'd be the same way - especially because the change was so rapidly onset. more so, it's very easy when dealing with stress or personal conflict to internalize - that's especially true during depression, and equally so for something like this. especially given the parallel elements to something like puberty - imagine going through that as a kid with no parents? what are the chances you'd talk to someone about it. plus, twilight has demonstrated in teh show multiple times shes more than willing to ignore all common sense in pursuit of fixing somethign herself (swarm of hte century being the good example)
but yeah, i agree with all the complaints
just giving my two cents
415748
That's cool. I'm fine with you wanting to add more of a plot to it. At least you tried your best.
(Reading now)
So far, so good. Showers' name is written as showers in the paragraph she is introduced in, but no real errors so far.
Even storywise, I could see Twilight becoming curious about romance. Not enough to cast an untested spell on herself, but what you're writing isn't THAT far fetched just yet. Though something tells me it soon will be.
This is really tragic when you think about it. We're basically watching Twilight, the real Twilight, die.
Sad.
Spike then writes a letter to Celestia, the rest of the mane 6 find Twilight, hold her down, and the princess fixes her up. That's the only real outcome here. And where was everypony else? Why would Twilight use a spell that's untested on herself? Wouldn't she try it out on something else first? She *is* a scientist, and only an idiot would use it on themselves. And given the fact that she calls Celestia on almost every problem, I'm sure she would contact the princess if she feels her mind being broken.
411483 Who cares if it's a fetish or not? That shouldn't excuse the bad writing. I mean, just because you like it because it had your fetish in it is like watching and liking a Uwe Boll movie just because it's about your favorite game. You can have your fetish, just get someone better to write it. I mean, there was so much opportunity here. Oh well. I don't see how a bad ending is a good thing. She can be slutty, but why would it completely break her mind? Unless that's the fetish, then... I think it was handled really poorly here. It was all forced. Not to mention that the show has it's own swear words, but this guy uses normal ones. If he used the ones from the show, at least I would be laughing instead or rolling my eyes.
I feel kinda bad for the author. He himself said that if this was for himself, he would of handled it differently. Oh well. He's only going to get better, though, so there's that.
Well, that was interesting. Spike got raped and Twilight ain't a virgin anymore. Always fun.
And so she falls deeper and deeper into debauchery. Oh the horror.
Lucky pair, I'd say.
Ahem. I think its safe to say, Twilight has shot past, or will soon pass, the point of no return.
So far, I'm enjoying the story, so you're doing a good job, I think.
Twilight Slut?
Tramp Sparkle?
Eh, we'll think of a new name for her later.
Poor Lucky. I mean, yeah, he got laid, but I bet all he wanted at first was a nice, fun date. Maybe get a sweet girlfriend afterwards and let things flow from there.
The date of your first diary entry is my birthday. Creepy.
416376
Its like watching a a full on action film, like Commando, Expendables, A-Team, or Independence Day. Or, ya know, all of Michael Bay's films.
Some people can turn their brains off and enjoy the nitty gritty. In Bay's case, the action scenes and over the top violence. In this story's case, the sex and turning Twilight into a slut.
This story isn't for everybody, and I can see why a lot of people don't like it. But I read it all, and truth be told, it was good smut. I mean, I don't read hentai to see good writing, I read it for the sex. I don't expect three dimensional characters or even a happy ending.
The writer did more than asked for this story. He could have written a shorter, basic story where Twilight turns into a slut, quick and easy. But there was more to it. Not enough to save it for some people, but it helped for me.
Really, I feel bad for the person who requested it. Seeing all these comments that are tearing into HIS request, HIS idea. The author isn't the one who wrote the basic plot of the story, the person who requested it is the one who did that.
To the author: Don't beat yourself up over what people say. You did your best, and obviously tried to make it more than a straight up smut story. In my opinion, you did good.
416814
Well, yeah, you're looking at the pictures, not really reading what they're saying. But if the hentai looked like it was drawn by someones who used their recessive hand, or it was a Twilight picture, but someone used MS Paint and drew a dick on her face, it wouldn't be enjoyable. Neither is reading a story that you yourself said
but then you said
So which one do you prefer?
If all you wanted was smut, why bother with the story in the first place? Why make it into a story at all if no one cares? I guess I just can't turn my brain off. I don't know, I just like my stories, no mater what genre they are, to make sense, and not just be OOC-tastic just for the sake of the plot. It should be the other way around. The story conforms to the characters, not the characters are made to follow a plot no matter what. That just makes it seem forced. It was like there was someone was pointing a gun to his head and forced him to write this, basically forcing him to have giant plot holes for clop sake. You can tell in his writing that he didn't enjoy this at all. Although, I could say the same for SleeplessBrony and Applejinx. But if they wrote this, it would be 15 chapters long (each 15000 words apiece, but still accomplished nothing but one point) were the characters talked like badly dubbed anime characters with the guy who wrote Metroid: Other M directing them.
This guy is a good writer, but he should write what he likes first, then take request. He's very good, but he needs to learn more about the canon a bit more. Having the ponies use human swear words always makes me laugh. I don't think that was the intended affect. I think it would be hilarious that, even as a "slut" ( I'll never see the appeal for that), the ponies still refuse to sleep with her, and if she tries to use her magic, they just thwack her horn and run. At least then this story would be funny on purpose.
To the Author: The plot was less than satisfactory, but I think that is a good thing given the subject matter. The important thing is that the sex scenes were very well written, which is all that I personally think matters in a story about somepony becoming a mindless slut. I have read the comments, and will not talk about the ending, because I know that you were writing for someone else.
To the Readers: Why are you people bitching so much? It's a goddamn story. A story about cartoon ponies having sex THAT YOU READ ALL THE WAY THROUGH. I'm all for giving criticism, but sticking around and posting 5 comments all responding to other peoples' similar opinions isn't helping anyone. This is a dark story. It had a dark ending. If you don't like the ending, go read something else. This story isn't going in my favorites, but I managed to read all the way through, which is more than I can say for a lot of clopfics. Bitching and moaning about a work of commission that you didn't pay for, is pointless and a little needy even. This author gave his time and talent to write for someone. None of our opinions matter except the two people who wanted this. Feel free to reply to this story with whatever small-minded argument you want, I'm not coming back to this page.
416911 Which do I prefer? Well it changes. Sometimes I want a deep, philosophical story, sometimes I just want smut. Just because I like one, doesn't mean I don't or can't like the other.
Why make a story at all if its just smut? To get off on it. That's smut. Its just written porn, basically. That's why porn and hentai were invented. They weren't made to explore the impossible or fantastic. They're just made so people can get off on it.
As for the appeal to the whole slut thing, some people, myself included, just enjoy seeing others get hurt and humiliated. (Shrugs) I didn't choose to have it as a sexual fetish. I'm just born with it. I just enjoy watching someone beg and I enjoy watching someone strong be reduced into someone weak. Of course this doesn't mean I'm going to hurt people in real life. I know the difference between fiction and non-fiction.
417219
My point was that how can you get off on something that's written badly? That's like getting of on a badly drawn picture.
What I meant was, if that's all you care about is the clop, why should there be a story to begin with? I'm not asking for something ground breaking, I'm asking for a decent narrative. It seems to me that just because it's clop, it excuses everything else the fanfic does, no matter what. If you apply that logic to any other type of genre, you'll look like an idiot. Try reading the story again, but skip the clop part. You can see that this story does not hold it's own. Some of the better clop writers integrate the sex into the story (since, you know, even clop is technically a story) instead of being the only point. If the sex is what anyone here cares about, why not just have the clop parts by themselves?
Yeah, because we can't control ourselves and like anything that has anything to do with our fetish, no matter what. You control it, not the other way around. Liking a story just because it has your fetish is like eating your favorite candy after you found it in the mud. If this really is your fetish, you should demand higher quality. It doesn't matter if a story sounds appealing to me, if it's executed poorly, I wont like it. Try judging things based on their own quality instead of just favoriting a story just because it's your fetish. You shouldn't be a slave to your whims.
By the way, what's your icon suppose to be? It seems familiar.
417179 I'll just say that you icon suits you.
417329
My icon? Its just a little drawing my girlfriend made for me, of a character from my original stories on Fictionpress.
Its not written that badly, at least in my opinion. I mean, there doesn't to be too much improper grammar and bad spelling. Yes, Twilight acts OOC, but having read many stories in the 'mind breaking' genre, OOC characters is nothing I'm very surprised at. Maybe that means I'm desensitize, or maybe I just don't care about it. (Shrugs)
Look at what you said. 'Some of the better clop writers integrate the sex into the story'
There's a story, because the author is trying to integrate the sex and story. He may not succeed, but he's trying. I can tell that, at least.
For me personally, as long as he's trying his best, that's good enough for me. That's just how I am.
I believe everything has its positives, and this story is no different. I've read much worse mind breaking stories, and considering just how much of the genre I've read and seen, this isn't that bad. Is it as good as some of the other, more philosophical stories I've read? No, sadly it isn't, but considering the genre it is in, its not awful. It plays, to me, as a basic mind breaking story.
I'm not liking the story SOLELY because it plays to my sexual fetish. Its part of the reason, but I also like it because it doesn't have too much improper grammar, spelling, and because it shows that he at least tried. And it doesn't push my suspension of disbelief as far as other mind breaking stories. I mean compared to the story, the Ambassadors, a somewhat similar story, it is much better.
Than again, I'm the kind of guy who focuses on the positives in most works of literature or art I see, so maybe I'm just silly.
417473 Well, okay. That makes sense, I guess.
Now have some completely unrelated gifs:
fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/097/f/5/derpydance_by_warpout-d4vaaux.gif fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/097/8/6/lunadance_by_warpout-d4vaayz.gif fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/097/b/2/scratchdance_by_warpout-d4vab5t.gif fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/097/c/d/rainbowdashdance_by_warpout-d4vab2f.gif fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/097/4/7/pinkiewink_by_warpout-d4vab9f.gif
417495
Awesome.
Hey, can you tell me how people post pictures and gifs? Or point me to where I can learn.
417536 Oh, that's easy. Find a picture you like on the web, right click it, and left click 'View Image,' then copy the url. After that, go back to the comment section, you then click the 'Insert Image' icon (the one on the far end to the right) and paste the url when it ask you. You know you did it right if you get something like [.img]whatever-the-url-is-goes-here-[./img] (without the periods in the brackets, of course). It sounds more complicated than it actually is. Try it out with the gifs I used (if you can't find any to try it out), and use it them to reply to me.
417559
fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/097/b/2/scratchdance_by_warpout-d4vab5t.gif
Awesome. Thanks.
417659 Sweet, it worked! Now you must use your new powers with grace and dignity. Or not, whatever. Now, for my last comment here, Ill go with a bang.
That poor kid.
failblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/epic-fail-photos-parenting-fails-round-and-round-we-go1.gif
Or on the floor holding my sides.
417676
HA! That kid got fucked up!
Awesome.