I was the one who requested this story.
You delivered spectacularly. I know you said you've never written something like this before, but you pulled off this particular fetish perfectly, at least for me. It started off slow, of course, but I'm not worried about that. I asked you to make the transition gradual, and you did that quite well. Of course, there were some errors with spelling and wording, but you said you haven't given it a pass for editing yet, and they didn't ruin things for me anyway.
Overall, I'd just like to thank you for taking my request and definitely doing it justice. You done good, bwah.

dat title

Not sure if want or don't want

I'm not even sure I can clop to this. That was both sexy and creepy as hell. Emphasis on creepy.

This... is horrible. It's so amateurish. And the ending doesn't resolve anything. She's never cured. How is this romantic? Fetish clop is always the worst.

Wow, did Twilight take stupid pills? Why didn't she seek help? And what about her friends? This entire thing (the writing, the characters) seem so... it's like someones first time writing. Who would make such a spell, and why would it destroy her mind? Why would she use a spell in the first place?

Yeah, because Twilight doesn't study or asks for help, she just uses spells on herself. Yeah. And she never writes to Celestia about problems. Nope.

daaaaamn!! thas one bad unicorn bitch LMFAO!!

I'd say this is a horror story with sex in it, that's not really meant to turn you on, but disgust you; or rather, it starts turning you on and then it disgusts you and you recoil from yourself in horror. Since this is very much not my thing, despite me being a dirty person, I'm gonna refrain from giving it a thumbs up or thumbs down per se, but I have to say I admire the craftsmanship.

I can't stop laughing! I'm only on the first chapter! I didn't even read all of it! I stopped when she was at home, after her date. You know what? I'm gonna stop reading and just pretend that she didn't do the spell and I'll just walk.....click away slowly!

This seems rather forced. Twilight never gets the idea to get help from someone else? For example, Princess Fucking Celestia?

The slut-transformation fetish is a dangerous one. It flirts quite heavily with misogyny by conflating female sexuality with stupidity and by sexualizing the destruction of someone's life. That's not to say that any treatment of this fetish should be banned (people have to get their rocks off somehow), or that it need be vile, but the author or artist depicting it must be careful.

I think that this story lacks that proper care. There are a number points in this story which evince this, but I will focus on the ending for simplicity's sake. You've destroyed the character of Twilight Sparkle at the end, slaved her to sexual desires, and eliminated her defining characteristic, her intellect. Now, that would be alright (you did label it dark), but this is a work of clop. The story's main purpose is gratification. Why is this ending gratifying? Why would you, or the reader want to see Twilight Sparkle end up like this? I can understand wanting to see the journey, for some it will be very erotic, but if the ending of this piece is satisfying then you have some issues.

A more fitting end would be her cure, or afterwards. That would certainly have fewer plot holes. Her not being fixed makes no sense! Spike will read the notes and contact Celestia, or even the author of the original spell. Her friends will be worried, and would do the same thing as Spike. We could see a new and transformed Twilight, as smart as before, but with an understanding of her sexuality.

Hell, why does her sexual awakening have to be accompanied by the death of her mind? A tale of the conflict between brain and increasingly insistent naughty bits would have room for just as much clop, but also a lot more introspection, conflict, and character growth.

Again, I'm not saying that clop is bad, or even that this fetish is bad, but your treatment leaves much to be desired. The story can be rescued with an additional chapter or two, but for now I must give "Twilight's Gradual Descent" a thumbs down.

Sincerely,

Scootalderp

412964 How ironic is it that the one with 'derp' in their name has given the best and smartest comment so far? I like that.

413152 I bet this guy would hold that as a badge of honor. Someone should MST this.

People say this sucks while I say its awsome. :D
static.fjcdn.com/pictures/I_5e4fdd_1857619.jpg

413331 It would help your case if you explain why.

not much of an ending

still, me gusta

Okay, I made an account for this because damn it, it was going to happen sooner or later, why not for now.
I liked it. I really, really, really like it to the point of saving it to my 'favorites' folder. That is of course because it hits everything I like while being written proficiently and cleanly. I definitely want to see more like this.
The flaws are... more noticeable if only because others have noticed them before me. Scootaderp in particular hit almost every one of them on the nose. Why does the ending have to be so dark? Even if she can't find a fix for it, there are potentially omnipotent alicorns and understanding friends a simple message away from assisting. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth because in the end she is forced into a different character. Brain-dead super-slutty Twilight is very different from regular super-slutty Twilight.
If you read this Darf, please consider writing additional chapters. Not just for more fap fodder, but as a challenge to yourself to write a satisfactory ending for those who want Twilight in their Twilight clopfics.
P.S. The romance tag is misleading. Consider removing it.

412718 Well she wanted to know what romance is, but the spell was too powerfull and made her into a slut.I have no idea where her friends were.And about the supid pills, didn`t you see that the lust made her more and more stupid?

sadface

the plot and the ending are all the way the are because it that's the way it was requested
if i was writing the story on my own ambition i likely would have done things differently
but i mostly write for other people
though that seems to have been counterproductive here

still, sorry no one seems to be enjoying it
i'll crawl back into my hole now

whoa whoa whoa, so thats it? shes now a mindless slut running about? if you did a better ending this would be awesome...

413407 I personally like the cloppiness of this fic but I do agree some of the set up is kind of poor. No offense to the author. May consider a pre reader? You have alot of potential and I don't want to see that go to waste.

needs an epilogue, where she is either cured or becomes the sluttiest slut in equestria

I find it particularly unlikely that Twilight would not seek out help. Either self would send a missive to the princess, whether asking Celestia to help reverse the spell... or Molestia to help sate her needs.

I'm going to read this.

But before I read this, I'm going to say to myself, very clearly.
THIS is an exploitation story. It focuses on a somewhat morbid or the like, subject, and that's basically it.
I'm NOT expecting a work of art. I'm NOT expecting three dimensional characters. I'm NOT expecting witty humor and an epic telling of scenes.
I'm expecting to see a hot nerd pony, turn into a sexy slutty pony.
That's it.

Unlike some people who read this story, (not everyone who didn't like this. Something tells me the reasons people disliked it are for the most part valid), I am not expecting a happy ending, or even a bittersweet one. I'm expecting her to be mind broken and go work as a sex slave or a hooker.

There's nothing wrong with that, in my opinion. I mean, there's plenty of good, beautiful works of literature in the world. Sometimes, I don't want a grand, cultured story. Sometimes, I just want to see sex and slutty mares. Sometimes, I just want something to clop to. No plot. No moral. Just clop.

Then again, I'm the kind of guy who can turn his brain off and watch a live action Transformers movie and enjoy it, so what do I know?

Either way, I'm reading this with an open mind.

415740
it is that, but to be fair i did try to use some more complex narrative framing elements, like the reoccuring focus on twilight's journal, as well as the couple outside her window. the story uses both elements to forward the progresion of the story arc, and they directly reflect twilight's mental degradation in the process
not like it's a real story or anything, but just saying

415707
i wasn't gonna say anything to all the people saying this, because i figured they're right about me being retarded
BUT
in my defense, if this was me, i'd be the same way - especially because the change was so rapidly onset. more so, it's very easy when dealing with stress or personal conflict to internalize - that's especially true during depression, and equally so for something like this. especially given the parallel elements to something like puberty - imagine going through that as a kid with no parents? what are the chances you'd talk to someone about it. plus, twilight has demonstrated in teh show multiple times shes more than willing to ignore all common sense in pursuit of fixing somethign herself (swarm of hte century being the good example)

but yeah, i agree with all the complaints
just giving my two cents

415748

That's cool. I'm fine with you wanting to add more of a plot to it. At least you tried your best.
(Reading now)

Spike then writes a letter to Celestia, the rest of the mane 6 find Twilight, hold her down, and the princess fixes her up. That's the only real outcome here. And where was everypony else? Why would Twilight use a spell that's untested on herself? Wouldn't she try it out on something else first? She *is* a scientist, and only an idiot would use it on themselves. And given the fact that she calls Celestia on almost every problem, I'm sure she would contact the princess if she feels her mind being broken.

411483 Who cares if it's a fetish or not? That shouldn't excuse the bad writing. I mean, just because you like it because it had your fetish in it is like watching and liking a Uwe Boll movie just because it's about your favorite game. You can have your fetish, just get someone better to write it. I mean, there was so much opportunity here. Oh well. I don't see how a bad ending is a good thing. She can be slutty, but why would it completely break her mind? Unless that's the fetish, then... I think it was handled really poorly here. It was all forced. Not to mention that the show has it's own swear words, but this guy uses normal ones. If he used the ones from the show, at least I would be laughing instead or rolling my eyes.

I feel kinda bad for the author. He himself said that if this was for himself, he would of handled it differently. Oh well. He's only going to get better, though, so there's that.

416376

Its like watching a a full on action film, like Commando, Expendables, A-Team, or Independence Day. Or, ya know, all of Michael Bay's films.

Some people can turn their brains off and enjoy the nitty gritty. In Bay's case, the action scenes and over the top violence. In this story's case, the sex and turning Twilight into a slut.

This story isn't for everybody, and I can see why a lot of people don't like it. But I read it all, and truth be told, it was good smut. I mean, I don't read hentai to see good writing, I read it for the sex. I don't expect three dimensional characters or even a happy ending.

The writer did more than asked for this story. He could have written a shorter, basic story where Twilight turns into a slut, quick and easy. But there was more to it. Not enough to save it for some people, but it helped for me.

Really, I feel bad for the person who requested it. Seeing all these comments that are tearing into HIS request, HIS idea. The author isn't the one who wrote the basic plot of the story, the person who requested it is the one who did that.

To the author: Don't beat yourself up over what people say. You did your best, and obviously tried to make it more than a straight up smut story. In my opinion, you did good.

416814

I mean, I don't read hentai to see good writing, I read it for the sex.

Well, yeah, you're looking at the pictures, not really reading what they're saying. But if the hentai looked like it was drawn by someones who used their recessive hand, or it was a Twilight picture, but someone used MS Paint and drew a dick on her face, it wouldn't be enjoyable. Neither is reading a story that you yourself said

"I mean, I don't read hentai to see good writing"

but then you said

"He could have written a shorter, basic story where Twilight turns into a slut, quick and easy. But there was more to it."

So which one do you prefer?

If all you wanted was smut, why bother with the story in the first place? Why make it into a story at all if no one cares? I guess I just can't turn my brain off. I don't know, I just like my stories, no mater what genre they are, to make sense, and not just be OOC-tastic just for the sake of the plot. It should be the other way around. The story conforms to the characters, not the characters are made to follow a plot no matter what. That just makes it seem forced. It was like there was someone was pointing a gun to his head and forced him to write this, basically forcing him to have giant plot holes for clop sake. You can tell in his writing that he didn't enjoy this at all. Although, I could say the same for SleeplessBrony and Applejinx. But if they wrote this, it would be 15 chapters long (each 15000 words apiece, but still accomplished nothing but one point) were the characters talked like badly dubbed anime characters with the guy who wrote Metroid: Other M directing them.

This guy is a good writer, but he should write what he likes first, then take request. He's very good, but he needs to learn more about the canon a bit more. Having the ponies use human swear words always makes me laugh. I don't think that was the intended affect. I think it would be hilarious that, even as a "slut" ( I'll never see the appeal for that), the ponies still refuse to sleep with her, and if she tries to use her magic, they just thwack her horn and run. At least then this story would be funny on purpose.

To the Author: The plot was less than satisfactory, but I think that is a good thing given the subject matter. The important thing is that the sex scenes were very well written, which is all that I personally think matters in a story about somepony becoming a mindless slut. I have read the comments, and will not talk about the ending, because I know that you were writing for someone else.

To the Readers: Why are you people bitching so much? It's a goddamn story. A story about cartoon ponies having sex THAT YOU READ ALL THE WAY THROUGH. I'm all for giving criticism, but sticking around and posting 5 comments all responding to other peoples' similar opinions isn't helping anyone. This is a dark story. It had a dark ending. If you don't like the ending, go read something else. This story isn't going in my favorites, but I managed to read all the way through, which is more than I can say for a lot of clopfics. Bitching and moaning about a work of commission that you didn't pay for, is pointless and a little needy even. This author gave his time and talent to write for someone. None of our opinions matter except the two people who wanted this. Feel free to reply to this story with whatever small-minded argument you want, I'm not coming back to this page.

416911 Which do I prefer? Well it changes. Sometimes I want a deep, philosophical story, sometimes I just want smut. Just because I like one, doesn't mean I don't or can't like the other.

Why make a story at all if its just smut? To get off on it. That's smut. Its just written porn, basically. That's why porn and hentai were invented. They weren't made to explore the impossible or fantastic. They're just made so people can get off on it.

As for the appeal to the whole slut thing, some people, myself included, just enjoy seeing others get hurt and humiliated. (Shrugs) I didn't choose to have it as a sexual fetish. I'm just born with it. I just enjoy watching someone beg and I enjoy watching someone strong be reduced into someone weak. Of course this doesn't mean I'm going to hurt people in real life. I know the difference between fiction and non-fiction.

417219

They're just made so people can get off on it.

My point was that how can you get off on something that's written badly? That's like getting of on a badly drawn picture.

Sometimes I want a deep, philosophical story, sometimes I just want smut

What I meant was, if that's all you care about is the clop, why should there be a story to begin with? I'm not asking for something ground breaking, I'm asking for a decent narrative. It seems to me that just because it's clop, it excuses everything else the fanfic does, no matter what. If you apply that logic to any other type of genre, you'll look like an idiot. Try reading the story again, but skip the clop part. You can see that this story does not hold it's own. Some of the better clop writers integrate the sex into the story (since, you know, even clop is technically a story) instead of being the only point. If the sex is what anyone here cares about, why not just have the clop parts by themselves?

I didn't choose to have it as a sexual fetish

Yeah, because we can't control ourselves and like anything that has anything to do with our fetish, no matter what. You control it, not the other way around. Liking a story just because it has your fetish is like eating your favorite candy after you found it in the mud. If this really is your fetish, you should demand higher quality. It doesn't matter if a story sounds appealing to me, if it's executed poorly, I wont like it. Try judging things based on their own quality instead of just favoriting a story just because it's your fetish. You shouldn't be a slave to your whims.

By the way, what's your icon suppose to be? It seems familiar.

417179 I'll just say that you icon suits you.

417329
My icon? Its just a little drawing my girlfriend made for me, of a character from my original stories on Fictionpress.

Its not written that badly, at least in my opinion. I mean, there doesn't to be too much improper grammar and bad spelling. Yes, Twilight acts OOC, but having read many stories in the 'mind breaking' genre, OOC characters is nothing I'm very surprised at. Maybe that means I'm desensitize, or maybe I just don't care about it. (Shrugs)

Look at what you said. 'Some of the better clop writers integrate the sex into the story'
There's a story, because the author is trying to integrate the sex and story. He may not succeed, but he's trying. I can tell that, at least.
For me personally, as long as he's trying his best, that's good enough for me. That's just how I am.

I believe everything has its positives, and this story is no different. I've read much worse mind breaking stories, and considering just how much of the genre I've read and seen, this isn't that bad. Is it as good as some of the other, more philosophical stories I've read? No, sadly it isn't, but considering the genre it is in, its not awful. It plays, to me, as a basic mind breaking story.

I'm not liking the story SOLELY because it plays to my sexual fetish. Its part of the reason, but I also like it because it doesn't have too much improper grammar, spelling, and because it shows that he at least tried. And it doesn't push my suspension of disbelief as far as other mind breaking stories. I mean compared to the story, the Ambassadors, a somewhat similar story, it is much better.

Than again, I'm the kind of guy who focuses on the positives in most works of literature or art I see, so maybe I'm just silly.

417473 Well, okay. That makes sense, I guess.
Now have some completely unrelated gifs:
fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/097/f/5/derpydance_by_warpout-d4vaaux.gif fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/097/8/6/lunadance_by_warpout-d4vaayz.gif fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/097/b/2/scratchdance_by_warpout-d4vab5t.gif fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/097/c/d/rainbowdashdance_by_warpout-d4vab2f.gif fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/097/4/7/pinkiewink_by_warpout-d4vab9f.gif

417495

Awesome.
Hey, can you tell me how people post pictures and gifs? Or point me to where I can learn.

417536 Oh, that's easy. Find a picture you like on the web, right click it, and left click 'View Image,' then copy the url. After that, go back to the comment section, you then click the 'Insert Image' icon (the one on the far end to the right) and paste the url when it ask you. You know you did it right if you get something like [.img]whatever-the-url-is-goes-here-[./img] (without the periods in the brackets, of course). It sounds more complicated than it actually is. Try it out with the gifs I used (if you can't find any to try it out), and use it them to reply to me.

417559
fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/097/b/2/scratchdance_by_warpout-d4vab5t.gif

Awesome. Thanks.

417659 Sweet, it worked! Now you must use your new powers with grace and dignity. Or not, whatever. Now, for my last comment here, Ill go with a bang.
failblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/epic-fail-photos-parenting-fails-round-and-round-we-go1.gif
Or on the floor holding my sides. That poor kid.

417676
HA! That kid got fucked up!
Awesome.

I want a happy ending to this story, since this story is now messing with my over active mind to the point it has made up a a handful of endings.

416376

Twilight isn't a perfect scientist, as you know from several instances from the series, and she can make mistakes. But Celly needs to be addressed somehow, even if it's by taking a few sentences on explaining how she couldn't fix it.

If this is your fetish, you're probably going to be somewhat satisfied with it. The author touches on the main beats (mostly), and he seems to have a general idea of what people find sexy about it. There's no deep story here; the fetish is the focus of the whole story. If you like that, you'll like this. If you want plot with clop rather than a plot being based around clop, then you'd best look somewhere else.

That said...

This needs a lot of work. The loss of intelligence was handled very simply, just with the entries, mostly, rather than us seeing a gradual shift in her behavior. The sex was just okay, for me, and didn't outline, again, the gradual shift in behavior and intelligence. Sluttification is about more than a loss of intellect and someone turning into a sex machine (which, by the way, was horrifying at the end. It can be done in a sexy way, but it was NOT done well here); it's also about a shift in promiscuous behavior, and other things that are damaged by intelligence loss--not just vocabulary. In my opinion, this is occupied by too many background characters. This would have been much hotter if more of her friends had been involved somehow.

>My point was that how can you get off on something that's written badly? That's like getting of on a badly drawn picture

Most people who get off to drawings of pictures CAN get off to somewhat badly drawn art. There is a threshold--for me, MSPaint--but for the most part, the quality of the drawing has little relevance. It's about subject matter, the ideas behind the picture and the way they are presented in it, even if that's just a vanilla sex action that has the characters arranged in a way I find arousing.

Yes, there is a level of writing where getting off cannot occur because the laughter interrupts it, but this is nowhere near it. There would have to be far more spelling and grammatical errors, or just plain ol' stupid shit. With writing, in my experience, even simple sentences can set me off if they're the right ones. Erotica is the descriptions of emotions and ideas behind a sexual act and/or fetish, and THAT is where it gets its quality. And while I wasn't entirely satisfied with this story because of the reasons I mentioned, like with the ending being more frightening than arousing (again, that kind of ending CAN be done in a sexy way, but that wasn't it. I think it's fairly close, though). or that the author doesn't quite nail the fetish in the comprehensive way someone who really liked it would have, it's not terrible.

I wish other people would write stories with the fetish in a BETTER way, but this, I suppose, isn't that bad.

Something someone said nailed down a lot of my issues with this story.

>A tale of the conflict between brain and increasingly insistent naughty bits would have room for just as much clop, but also a lot more introspection, conflict, and character growth.

Her being confused about what's going on is fine, but there should also be conflicts between her normal behavior and the new, slutty behavior. Which there is at POINTS, but only during certain activities and it's jerky and rushed.

413790

You aren't a bad writer. This isn't even a bad story. I know I enjoyed it, and so did a lot of other people. But you could be better, and I hope you aren't discouraged by the criticism you get, but encouraged--because that criticism usually shows that people want to be satisfied by what you write, and they care enough that this probably came close to doing it.

418771

Hear, hear.

I'm not going to add more on top of what has been negatively said but I liked it and I was unaware that this was a fetish. In fact, it was a good clop although I prefer happier endings than that. Crack whore Twilight is a no go for me. I'd like to see more from you though. Don't give up!

I see a lot of people confuse their dislike of a "bad end" for objective criticism of the story's actual literary quality. Not the same, people.

415748
"but yeah, i agree with all the complaints"

Don't. Some of them are simply not true. You'd do yourself a disfavour.

Also, Twilight only rarely asks Celestia for direct intervention. Some folks keep bringing this up, but when an Ursa Minor or a gate to Tartarus will not make her ask for Celestia's help immediately, why is that an issue here?

413091
Not very, seeing as "derp" really only means clumsy, not dumb or anything like that.

Thus end Twilight Sparkle. I always she would go when her brain quit on her due to overload and exploded.

420459

Also, Twilight only rarely asks Celestia for direct intervention. Some folks keep bringing this up, but when an Ursa Minor or a gate to Tartarus will not make her ask for Celestia's help immediately, why is that an issue here?

Because Twi could handle that. And she did. Easily. This is her mind breaking. I think she would of at least told Spike to send a letter because a spell she used is backfiring horribly. If something is going out of control (like your mind breaking) she would write to her teacher. Or get her friends to help. It's just common sense.

423714
Am I actually making an account just to throw my two cents into an agument about how accurately depicted a character in a My Little Pony sluttification fanfic is?
Apparently so.
Anyway, Twilight is absolutely terrified of Celestia learning about her doing anything wrong, ever.
See: Swarm of the Century. She activly tried to hide her mistake from the goddess, despite it causing the destruction of the entire town.

Also in the same episode, we have Twilight using a spell without knowing the full consequences of her actions. In fact, her go-to responce to almost every situation is either research or a spell, and she tried both in this story.

I'm not saying it was 100% in character or perfectly written.
Trying the spell a second time so early seemed unlikely to me, and Spike does seem inclined to run for help as soon as possible.
The story could have used a little more development there, a couple of reasons for those not to matter, and something after the end that we got to tie up the loose ends a lot of people pointed out would have been nice.(I would suggest an epilogue expanding on the bad end, to adress the problems and stay with what the origional idea was. Something about why Celestia couldn't find her and now she's trapped in sexual slavery in another country, for example, but I'm not the writer.)

Still though, this is pretty easily better than 4/5 stories that get posted here, especially ones more focused around fetishes that are less common.
And yet it gets more hate, supposedly for the terrible writing and plot holes, than pretty much anything else I've seen.
Example: 413152.
Something doesn't add up.

425431 Probably because the story just stops. I mean, she becomes a slut (Twi is now dead), now what? How are her friends going to take this? What will Spike write to Celestia? What will the princess do to help? And how are Twi's friends going to handle a slutty enemy that happens to be one of the most powerful unicorns ever, so powerful that she can do pretty much anything she wants?

But then it just stops. She doesn't even meet any of the other real characters.

Of course, then this would just turn into a even more retarded version of Twillust.

This guy is a good writer, it just like he didn't have any fun with this. Not to mention that this story was more horrifying that a clop. Yeah, but she never did anything to herself like this in the show (changing your personality), and she always tried to change it back, and if she was overwhelm and needed help, she would try to get it, or at the very least talk about it to Spike. I hate it when people think characters only behave one way, like they're stuck.

Swarm of the Century

That's for a different reason, though. I'm sure that going slowly insane would marret a call for help. I mean, she's not AJ, you know. She would seek help.

People complain about the ending being bad because the whole fic is bad, and they feel like they need something good to come out of this. I mean, even if the ending would of been retarded, it would of fit the the rest of the story.

420391
Twilight's Gradual Descent Into Sluttiness 2: The rapening.

Chapter 1: Twilight get's fucked and rapes some ponies.

Chapter 2: Twilight get's fucked and rapes some ponies. Other things happen.

Chapter 3: Twilight get's fucked and rapes some ponies. Some of her friends are involved.

Chapter 4:Twilight get's fucked and rapes some ponies. Celestial pulls some stupid counter spell and heal's Twi's body and mind (the actual spell in this story is just as stupid. What would be the need for that? As a weapon, maybe?).

Chapter 5: Some stupid friendship report is made.

Chapter 6: Trixie comes across the same spell, and uses it on herself or some shit.

There's your sequel.