Twystron500
Joined 26th Feb, 2012 ·
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GUSTA
Twilight and Shining seem very flat in this story. Their characters have very little dimension, I think your story could stand to be more descriptive and delve further into Twilight's mind about these emotions she has for her brother. That being said, your grammar was good, just try working on making the characters three dimensional.
i.qkme.me/2she.jpg
I'm not going to shoot this down, but you need to work on your grammar and word choice a bit. It's a great concept, but the word choices in some places caught me off guard, and made me giggle. Though, I must say that if you do a smidgen of tweaking to your style, you could do very well. All in all, I give it a 3.5 out of 5.
568026 Thanks for your honesty. I'll just let this one story slide. I guess i was just in such a hurry to get to the end. I still hope it was worth your while.
568042 Aw man! Cum on now. I already warned about the incest, so what's the surprise? Besides, it was my first clopfic and most of my other stories don't have sex in them. Don't shoot me down for one story. Have you ever fallen down durring your first attempt at ridding a bike? That what happened, but i crossed the finish line with a few scrapes. While your in the hospital, make sure to get some Oxycodine, it will ease the pain.
I love you, you insane bastard.
568073 Yeah, i was over the top, please don't take offense. Your comment was really funny by the way. Hopefully all this criticism will improve my writing methods.
I'm sorry, I really tried, but every time I read "Shinning Armor," all I could think was, "Oh, you mean Shining..." "QUIET BOY! D'ye want tae get sued?!" dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png
Excellent!
We need more stories like this.
(Twilight Armor x Cadence threesome perhaps?)
568118 Sorry aboot that, yeah i have habit of misspelling shit when i'm drunk. I fixed the errors with ease. I even had my GF read this before i posted it. She musn't have been not paying attention. Back to the kitchen bee-atch!
I liked it, pacing needs a little work, and I'll echo the criticisms about word choice - but the framework is definitely there. Got a good laugh out of some of the word choices anyway, "sister rear" for instance, hilarious. I would caution against that example in the future though, if you want to keep moving in a serious direction. I feel that sort of thing is a common pitfall of amatuer incest fics, makes it feel cheap and rushed, as if the development of the characters' relationship was discarded for regular reminders of it in descriptors.
My thoughts. You've got a pretty good handle on this already, looking forward to more from you.
img.ponibooru.org/_images/06becf81190ea39e1587feeba0401058/182566%20-%20animated%20artist%3Agoddesscelestia%20do_not_want%20shocked%20twilight_sparkle.gif
Incest, why do I find you so incredibly hot?
XD>>568042 Thats got to be the best comment I have ever read. XD
568042
Well done.
568410
Some people are just into it
images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110609170203/gyropedia/images/thumb/9/90/TwilightShrug.png/185px-TwilightShrug.png
568410 It's whatever floats your boat. No idea how it works, though.
And now after reading the roast I can say is...
I love you, you magnificent bastard.
antics.wikispaces.com/file/view/gg-no-re_design.png/286755936/251x251/gg-no-re_design.png
What the... the fuck am I reading!?
Is it sad that I like the roast more than the story?
“Shh,” Twilight softly interrupted. “I feel all our lives have been building up to a moment like this. Now, please take me from behind.”
Wow, I never laughed so hard in my life! How cheesy. xD
Forgive me father for i have sinned.
I actually liked this
no seriously it was fun
57 Paragraphs down
mfw
karlmac.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/The-Office-gifs-the-office-14948948-240-196.gif
568049 It was a good read nonetheless. Next time, don't rush.
“Oh Celestia, you are so beautiful.” Shinning groaned.
Molestia: "Don't I know it! Now harder, I think Twilight's falling asleep!"
-
........
This was actually rather hot, though on a story-note, Spike was just out running errands. How's he gonna react when he gets home?
I asked, you told, I read, I thought WTF is this?
570509 Another typical Twystron500 fiction. That's all.
It's not perfect, but I rather liked it. If you worked on your grammar and took things a bit slower you could be one of the better clop authors around.
571509 I'll try harder, i wrote his in one hour, so i'll learn from my mistakes.
me gusta the roast part
Hmmm, while I do agree with the others about some phrasings and word choices, I more or less expected some silly ones from you. I enjoy incest when it is presented, like how one would enjoy escargot after eating it (it's actually not too bad). And I must say I was pretty pleased. I wouldn't mind seeing Cadence added into the action, either. Good job, man.
An MLP incest fic NOT about the Apple family? BLASPHEMY.
575349 Sorry, i guess i will try harder next time.
Y'know what? I now can't stop wondering what this would be like getting MST'd. A Roasted MST just sounds so tasty! This was more than just a barrel of laughs, and imma go abuse your archives for a while after suggesting that you request RatherHomely to MST this. The grammar is bad, the sex pretty much hilarious, and the set-up is so forced that it's like you had built a model ship (pun intended), and rammed it into a bottle two sizes too small. But it was still great!
I just want you to know that I love you, and would be happy to edit your stuff for ya, if my five other business accomplices ever decide to go on hiatus. 
575412 Please do! This is awesome! Do what you can to make this happen, because i've read the MST3Ks and loved them! Thank you!
(go wash your hands in bleach, it smells just like semen!)
I will kill you because of this sentence. Otherwise - great!
but, yeah, death is a thing
why do you hate my brain cells! I love it
What da fu did i just read....... i think i need to read it again just to double check my thought.
****One re read later******
Sperm does smell like bleach.
575412
First, serious props for absolutely destroying yourself. And second, that was actually really funny. If I may be so bold to say, perhaps you should skip the clop and just write comedy?
Okay, Super BIg Mac, let's see what story you've asked me to MST this time...
Oh boy. Incest. Fun times.
But seriously...
575424
I've had to read a good deal of clop for MPPT3K. To your credit, this is one of the better ones (Of course, most anything beats Corporal Punishment.). Nevertheless, I'll echo my fellow what my fellow readers' sentiments and say that the grammar needs a good deal of work, the characters are OOC, and the fact that the subject material is an "acquired taste" doesn't help it in the eyes of the general audience.
But then the riff... Oh hell, that riff!
Anyway, I'll add this to my list of things to riff. Stay classy you two!
581690 Only if you stay thirsty, my friend, because YOU ARE THE MOST INTERESTING MAN ALIVE.
Now, I must be off... I got things to write, babies to save, and research to be done!
581690 Sir, I'd like to say first off that you are one of my favorite authors. I simply love everything you do. It fills me with joy that you have even noticed me. If this gets MSPT3K'ed, i might die from joy. Oh, and to reiterate Super Big Mac, YOU ARE THE MOST INTERESTING MAN ALIVE.
Thank you.
581968
Wow, what a compliment!
Since college is out for the summer, I should be getting some serious riffing done. Hopefully I'll be able to get to your story before the start of the next semester.
582076 I'm not even trying to flatter you, it's just the truth. I've been watching MST3K for a while now and I love it. When i first saw your stories, my jaw fell off from sheer amazement. Best idea ever. Don't stop what you're doing: it works. Big time.
581737 Thanks for all you do. Happy writing.
582104 thanks for all you write. Happy doing.
582122 You're freaking hilarious!
582191
578024
you actually clopped to this?
becuase im guilty
*clap*.......*clap*.......*clap*
You good sir have yourself a fine story here. Despite what some people say I loved almost everything about this story. Twilight seemed rather sincere in her feelings and Shining Armor reacted in a somewhat believable way. While some people say characters need their entire backstory described; I think that gives me the chance to:
A. Use my imagination
or
B. Use the knowledge I've observed from the show.
All in all it was a great read and I'll be sure to read some of your other works as well!
Rating: 5/5
