When a craze of new toys arrive in Ponyville, Rainbow Dash doesn't want any part of it. However, four of her friends are hooked on them, while not actually telling her what they are. Fluttershy seems content on wanting to try out the toys with Rainbow Dash too, requiring her to make a decision over the course of a few days, while dealing with her own life, as well as her own imagination.
And over that time, she may come to see her friends and Fluttershy in a new way. Or she might royally mess it all up.
Sex tag for implications. No actual sex is shown, and will not have to be read.
Note: This story is bad, don't read it.
Chapters (12)
Shouldn't there be some sort of punctuation after 'Derpy'?
Other than that, this is very well written.
....What are these toys!
oh geez......at least I understand the tag now.
Pfft next she'll be telling him she's his mother
That is kinda out of place
I haven't replied to any comments as of yet, so I'll do that now. I've really only had the site open on another tab while I've been elsewhere, only refreshing every now and then.
4333266
You have no idea how that comment first made me feel. I haven't shared this story with anyone else before, so I've only gone over it myself constantly. To see a comment on my first story that says it's well written put a smile on my face, even if it was just a small compliment. As for the dialogue, I'm not sure. I'm thinking it may have a comma after 'Derpy', but I need to check up on that. Otherwise, thanks for the comment.
4333468
You'll have to use your own imagination to ask yourself what the toys are. Are they really what you think they are? Or am I just trying to make you question yourself? And as for the reference, yeah it's blatantly obvious. There are a few references every here and there, but that one is definitely the one that stands out most.
4333565
It was my first thought when I posted this story too.
4339182
I can see what you mean. Originally, it wasn't just a single sentence, it was a running thing spanning longer dialogue. Although it's just another "Oh hey, Pinkie breaks the fourth wall", I cut out the majority and narrowed it down to just one sentence. I'm still new to writing comedy, so in all reality, that probably came out flat, leading me to believe that you are right that it's out of place. There is only one other fourth wall break in this story that I've made so far. I'm not planning on making any more, considering the concept is used a lot, but the other one sort of fits in with what I'm setting up. I hope though that over time, my comedy will have improved. It's most likely not my strongest suit right now, but practice makes perfect.
I'm updating this quite frequently at the moment, since I have the majority of chapters ready to go, only being quickly skimmed through and edited before I'm fully comfortable with them. I have the ending and a few chapters after the ones that are up fully done and awaiting my satisfaction, but some of the later ones haven't even been looked at yet, or even written for that matter. For this reason, those later ones might have bigger gaps in the upload times, but I'll see what I can do. I definitely don't want to upload a story of this length within a small time like five days, but what happens will happen.
It was only when I saw the word total after I uploaded the third chapter that I stopped and realised just how big this story is. I never really looked over the word count on each individual chapter and added them up. I originally thought and planned for the whole thing to be under 12,000 words, but with 9,840 at only three chapters, that shipped has long sailed. I'll say that quite a bit of it is world building. There are some elements in the story that I have to touch upon more. For instance, Pinkie Pie has a major role in here with her personality, but it hasn't be emphasised yet. I'm already planning on elaborating my choices when that time comes though. Some of the things I've made up in this story obviously aren't in the show, specifically the thing with Pinkie, but I feel that some of the things can still feel 'real', if you catch my drift.
But thanks for all the comments so far, I greatly appreciate it. Long comment is long.
4342008 One advice: Don't write Pinkie like that with the fourth wall. That's OOC for her
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I don't plan on doing things with the fourth wall after this. The concept itself is really more of a 'come and go' humour for me, and I wouldn't know where to start with basing an entire story around it either. I can definitely see what you mean for it being OOC, to which I'll agree. The more I've re-read it, the more I've come to dislike it. After this story is done, I most likely won't ever touch the fourth wall with Pinkie again.
4348307
I think that 4th wall breaking in written form works best when it is more subtle. For instance let us say Pinkie shows off knowledge of something she should not know about. The other characters can wonder how and then you never really explain it. By doing so you keep many possibilities open such as making the reader wonder if it is a 4th wall break.
Almost anytime a character says "the author" or similar it typically falls flat. I think it is too jarring to the story. It takes you out too fast. A more subtle 4th wall break can make you laugh but won't jarr you out of the story so badly that it feels wrong.
That is my opinion.
As for Pinkie she told Dashie about her dream which exposed her weakness to her back with pegasus wings though I wonder if there was more than that to it. It almost seemed like Rainbow Dash or some other pegasus was in the dream even though she appears to be dating Twilight. If true is that part of the reason she does not want to talk about it since she may feel ashamed that she had a dream of another mare?
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I can see. The fourth wall in a more subtle approach can often result in a more positive result, rather than what I had put. I'll remember that for if I decide to use it again. I know the other one in this story doesn't use the same approach as the first one though. There won't be any "The author wrote" or anything like that (I think), so I hope I can feel more satisfied with it.
I don't want to put any spoilers for what's going on with Pinkie and her dream, but I hope any questions you have about it are answered when that time comes.
I CAN say for definite that this story has 12 chapters. But like in an earlier comment I made, some of them haven't been touched on at all. I have it all planned out, but haven't actually written some of it yet. Longer gaps for the later chapters will likely occur because of this, considering that I don't want to rush it either. That won't do anything good.
Y'all is plural
I would laugh my head off if these toys turned out to be a mini version of twister or something mundane like that and Dash is assuming it's something else
She should turn Flutterhsy down
Wow so now we have more info on this dream and what it entails. Pinkie and dash have chemistry in this and have something going on though they haven't done anything with it really yet. I find it funny that the evidence seems to suggest that they are both into each other but both seem to be trying to deny it for some reason. Except right at the end which may be a turning point for them.
Twilight being straight may be helpful for this endeavor so good luck to the two of them. I think I may agree with Twilight Scratch in that I think these toys are not what Dash thinks they are and that is the cause of a funny misunderstanding. We shall see.
4368260 Or a very kinky game of Bop-it
4371083 Connect four, tic tac toe, the list is endless
4371987 I like the idea of bop-it better
"Bop it, squeeze it, flick it, twist it, shake it, bop it....."
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My imagination has gone into overdrive 
4372512
The mystery is about to be solved...maybe.
The misunderstanding is on and we may have to deal with an aftermath of what Pinkie and Dash mean to each other...or perhaps they will continue to be awkward and leave it for another day.
Rainbow87dash - Rainbow's seen the toys. Please be bop-it, please be bop-it...
Awww.
But still no bop-it
So they get to roleplay sexual situations but it appears that when they do it is not a prelude into getting together for real.
Pinkie and Dash have feelings for each other but Pinkie will not act on them yet due to a fear of making things awkward. However at the end we do know that they are happy about it and that there may be more in their future (since they kissed and Pinkie was only pretend mad it may be a clue that her resistance to the idea may wane with time).
Good story I enjoyed it.
So that's the end of my first main fic. I never would have thought it'd get to 36,983 words. There went my original 12,000 word plan. I also know that the twist might have either made or broken this story, depending on how you feel about it.
This was originally intended to focus more on Rainbow and Fluttershy rather than with Pinkie, but I like how it ended. I'll leave the ultimate ending regarding the pair up to the reader.
For the big send off, better known as what the toys are, I did originally plan them to be something different, and seeing a few comments, a part of me wishes they actually were bop-it or something similar.
For the last few chapters, I keep getting a sort of bad feeling from them. As I wrote them, I didn't have as much fun as I did writing the earlier ones. Some part of me just wanted the story to end, considering the overall word count, and I think it shows in some of the later chapters. Overall I'm happy with how it turned out, but I feel I should have put more effort into those last chapters. I've been balancing a few things as well as this story, and when it came around to chapters for this story, it came across to me as different.
In the future, I'm positive I want to stick with shorter stories. One-shots or just stories that have a low count with three chapters or so, it doesn't matter. Will I ever do a long story of this sort of length again? I have no idea. But seeing how much fun I have writing some one-shots, it may not seem likely. I definitely have ideas for longer-ish stories, which I would hope never reach this length.
To add more into the effort point, I've found that some others things I've been writing at the same time have had more detail put into them. This likely adds up with the 'just wanting it to end' point, whereas I've been thinking I've been putting much more detail into the others. Did the ending of this story suffer as a result? Possibly.
As for my comedy, I think I lost some of it towards the end of the story. I focused more on the slice of life and romance part of things, which alright by itself, didn't keep to the running theme. I feel the epilogue picks it back up slightly though. I'm still new to writing comedy, so I hold high hopes for improvement.
There's not really anything else for me to say, except thanks for reading. I feared that this story might have crashed and burned early on, leaving a bad mark. But from how it's turned out, I can say that isn't the case. The comments that have pointed out some points to me as well I'm grateful for.
But now that this one is done, new stories are to be written.
4388249
Perhaps what may work for you as a compromise is when you want to write something more substantial write it as a group of serials. In other words make a bunch of separate one shots (think of them as episodes) that are connected in universe and with an overarching storyline. It would be like seasons 1+4 where most of the episodes are self contained but many have snippets that are parts of a bigger storyline (though you may want to make those snippets bigger/more important than they used in those seasons). This way you indulge in your love of shorter stories but you can create a larger narrative while you are at it.
As for this story there was a bit of a change in tone as the story progressed but I don not think that it hurt the story. I also think the story ended up more interesting with the Pinkie angle than without it. I think your idea of the dream that Rainbow Dash would exploit through the story was funny and gave adequate foreshadowing of how Pinkie may have feelings for Rainbow (even if she is afraid of them).
She could go request the aid of Pinkie Pie for a duel pranking session
I think in this case you mean dual as in two not duel where they go against each other.
Granted they could do a duel in pranking to see who is the best pranker but I think Pinkie is more interested in having fun (Dash on the other would probably love the competition).
I also wonder if part of the reason Dash feels so ill about the conversation she thinks she is having with Twilight is that she is getting sick thinking Pinkie and Twilight are together when she secretly wants to be with Pinkie and does not know it.
This chapter has a much better use of the 4th wall type jokes with Pinkie. The Pinkie dream knowing that she is a dream just fits and is actually very funny.
In terms of what would have made it work in the previous chapter where you did it it would only take a small change. I think it would work if you just remove that part saying "the author" said to do it. By having Pinkie saying she was trying to increase the drama of the moment you make the reader wonder whether she is doing just for fun as she says, whether it is funny due to being ironic (being dramatic is something that happens in a story but she actually is in a story), or if she is doing it because she realizes she is in a story (the 4th wall joke).
Things I think the story has that are weird ro don't fit
1. Spike is involved with the roleplay at the end. It is funny I give you that but it is really odd that he is involved when the other two are using such subject matter. He feels like a third wheel. Still it was funny so it can get a pass.
2. Pinkie physically hurting Dashie. Granted I think you gave it an adequete explanation but I still don't think it fits what we know of Pinkie. I think your basic idea of strikes, getting back at somebody, and then being very forgiving (in a funny way especially with those muffins which was a great idea) are very spot on ideas, however the one aspect of her physically hurting Dash does not fit so well. I think it would fit what we know of her character better if the punishment was more in line with the crime where Pinkie embarrasses her, pranks her, or otherwise does something to Dash without physically hurting her. If you feel that Dash needs to be holed up in her home like you did you could have Dash pull a muscle in her wing when Pinkie gets her in an epic tickle attack (prevents her from flying), her chase causes her to crash and injure herself, or she accidentally pulls out some feathers in the middle of her revenge unintentionally (or some other similar situation).
This allows you to make the same story with the same overall tone and flow but without Pinkie doing that one OOC moment. I do think you should keep the rage involved that is supported in canon so that fits. I just think the exact nature of the punishment should change.
Now there are things I did like about this story.
1. I think you did an excellent job of making each character feel unique and keep their best qualities. For instance while I thought the way Pinkie punished Dash was OOC I thought the way she did it, handled it, and responded to it were very in character. Pinkie really feels like Pinkie. Dash is suitably cocky, fun, and confused. Twilight still manages to be adorkable. You did a really good job in this area.
2. I think many of your scene ideas were excellent. The scene with Sweetie Bell works so well from the cutie mark conversation to having her help prank Pinkie. You don't see that combo much in the fandom and I think you pulled it off well. Your "romance" scene in the bakery with Dash and Pinkie is well foreshadowed and feels passionate. Better yet the part where Luna comes in is hilarious and leads to a very well done Pinkie set of jokes. It even helps move along some parts of the plot so it isn't even senseless.
3. Your pacing works well. This story isn't too slow or too fast. I think its length is long enough for you to get some good ideas going (such as that dream being foreshadowed) but at the same time this story moves so that you don't get bored. I know that you felt that it went longer than you wnated at least on the writing level but I feel you should know that I think it works on the reading level.
As for the part you will let the reader decide I am going with Pinkie eventually realizes that hooking up with Dashie is not such a bad idea and eventually they both decide that having a full relationship is a good ideas as well.
4548631 YES, YES, YES!!! PINKIEDASH IS ALIVE AND WELL!!!!
'Baker's Tongue' ? Hmmmmmmm......
Hmmm....am I the only one here who cant, for the life of me, figure out what these toys are?
Wow. Did not expsct them tl be plushies, not at all. Man, does that mean I have a sick mind too? Well...not really news, but still. Shoot.
Awesome story, and it was written superbly. I, personally, think that you should write about the group session, and probly make some other sessions, with her other friends.
5383283
There wasn't any plans for any kind of continuation with this, but it's nice to imagine, is it not?
Anyhow, glad you liked it.
Did Pinkie spank her?
I cant tell if this is gonna be dirty or not in the end