There's been a rumour floating around the school for a while. A colt has a crush on Sweetie Belle. Naturally, she's psyched for it. The possibility of a coltfriend? How can this possibly be bad?
As it turns out, the colt in question is Snails, and he's not exactly the most likable colt around. He's not what Sweetie Belle was expecting either, nor is he her type. Not by a long shot. But because of Apple Bloom's and Scootaloo's tiredness with her bragging about the mysterious colt, she winds up going on a date with him without a choice in the matter.
Well, this probably can't end well. Or can it? Nope. Probably won't.
Chapters (4)
Hmm...
well, the girls sound s bit... mature. Might want to take another look at how you voice them, but this has potential. I'll mark this for later, because shcoolyard romance is adorable, and Snails needs more love.
R.I.P.
Sweetie Bell.
It was Snails...
This was hilarious.
Accidentally gave a thumbs up without reading it yet. I read it and I feel this was funny enough to warrant it. Can't wait to read more.
I was going to set this aside until I noticed what looked like a Raiders of the Lost Ark reference in the chapter title, so I guess I'm reading this now...
4731228
This is something I'm still getting used to. I'm not used to writing dialogue for the CMCs. Apple Surprise was a little different, but this is really my first main story focusing around them. I'll definitely look over my dialogue choices. Schoolyard romance is great though, I'll agree.
4733599
I was wondering how long it'd be before someone commented on the chapter title. Going for a little movie referencing this time around for the chapter titles. Doesn't mean anything in the story, but I thought it'd be a nice twist. And thanks for adding this to various groups!
Oh dear nothing good can come from AB and scootaloo following them.
Wow everypony iskinda mean to snails here, I mean give the guy a shot.
So, she tries to find an excuse to let Rarity get her out of the date a couple of times, but she doesn't want to tell her its Snails because then Rarity will cancel the date?
4764291
Not exactly. By the point Sweetie Belle had tried to get out of it, Rarity had entered 'the zone' where she wouldn't stop, and would do everything possible to get Sweetie Belle out on the date. At that, Sweetie Belle effectively gave up, knowing she wouldn't get out of it. She likely had the mind-set that if she said who the date was, she would have ruined Rarity's good intentions and hard work. She sucked it up, not wanting her sister to be disappointed. In this, Rarity is the type to expect some well-mannered stallion too, and if she found out it was Snails beforehand... Well, she wanted Sweetie Belle out on her first date, and Sweetie Belle knew. Rarity wouldn't have cancelled it, but she might have been disappointed in Sweetie Belle's taste. You could say Sweetie Belle is taking one for the team, or Rarity.
Or at least, that's what I was trying to convey here. Might have come off a bit poorly.
I can honestly see this happening and was well written and enjoyable. Given the authors note though...
Were you, were you just defeated by your own premise?
4794302
Huh. I guess I was. When I started writing this story, I was in the mind-set of, "Oh, this is gonna be great!" and by the time I published the first chapter, I had to get the next chapters done. It was only part-way through the second chapter when I realised I don't have any experience writing Snails, or what I could do with him on a date. Give me a mane six pair and I could do it. Snails? Not a chance.
But I've got to get out of this mind-set and release a story after I've written it all, rather than cruising along. Otherwise, I get stumped and get put a little under pressure, and my writing may suffer as a result. With chapters loaded and ready to go, it's easy sailing on a daily basis. I'm a little impatient at these things.
I'm glad you've been enjoying this though. There's a small epilogue chapter in development, so it's still incomplete right now. Hopefully, you'll enjoy the small shtick that'll happen.
Heh I can't believe he ended up dumping her. Nice story, short and sweet. Can't wait to see what the epilogue chapter will bring.
Fun little story, maybe a bit fast but overall I did enjoy it, so
4764324
Yeah, you kinda did. Sweetie explicitly states in narration that she knows Rarity would cancel the date not a few paragraphs after she bemoans not wanting to go. I usually advise against going back and editing when a story is over, but if you went back and changed it a bit, it would greatly improve the story.
4805028
Hmm... dammit Jake, you're right. Alright, I'll see what I can conjure up.
Glad to hear you polished it. However, there are still 2 errors: I think you meant 'delicately' in place of 'delinquently' and 'bunch' in place of 'brunch'
4810148
Nice snipes. Thanks. Should be fixed.
I'm actually surprised that Snips didn't take a more active part during the date. The violin bit was a nice touch though.
Rarity is also still single, despite being drop-dead gorgeous, with pretty much every male staying away from her. With the exception of Spike, whose fawning over her can come across as sad more than anything.
Food for thought, Sweetie.
Good point. What's that about him being uncouth?
*Ahem*: "Rainbow Dash Rainbow Dash Rainbow Dash Rainbow Dash!!!"
Thank you, that is all.
Not bad. There were a few parts where I wasn't sure what you were talking about, though; it mainly seemed like you were saying the opposite of what you were trying to in a few cases.
I think you might have been using expressions that mean the opposite of what you wanted.
Still a pretty interesting story, though.
This was cute.