The Crystal Empire is at sake, and Twilight is the only one who can fix it! There is only one problem. Twilight used dark magic she learned from Princess Celestia on a magical door and is stuck, realizing that she was moved forward in time that caused the Crystal Empire to be completely enslaved by King Sombra. Now she has to find a way to go back in time to fix the problem.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...
Starting off as I often do: crank out more words per chapter. Anything below 1,000 is generally considered taboo and if you pull this then you're gonna get plenty of insta-hate. Why? Because people don't like it when they can fit an entire chapter on their browser window and it's generally just far too short to be much fun to read. Aim for a minimum of 1,200.
A story's description is one of the first things that a reader will see and if it's got mistakes then you're already gonna be letting your readers down. If nowhere else, don't let errors slip into your description as every one is worth anywhere from five to ten in an actual story.
Anyways, onto the story!
No. Get an editor to help you learn to show more than tell. Telling is typically very straightforwards, hence why it is used in manuals and textbooks. It is for this very same reason that it is rarely used to good measure in fictional stories. It is here, in prose, that you should use more showing than telling. Here's an example:
More telling, less showing.
More showing, less telling. See the difference?
In addition, you need an Alternate Universe tag as you're creating an alternative scenario for something that happened in the show. Instead of the door being nothing more than a distracting illusion, it seems to have some form of reality here.
This entire thing has barely any dimension as most of it is just straight dialogue with no descriptions of events/character interactions. An editor or proofreader can help you not make this sort of mistake in the future. This is another thing that will ruin a story as it creates a lack of any sort of solid mental image of what's going on. Be sure to describe the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings of your in-story environment. If you don't, no one else will.
Both this gripe and the one before it echo throughout the story, so don't just think that they're only happening here. If this sorta stuff is something that you struggle with, consider joining this group for writing help.
So yeah.
With little to no dimension and poor use of description of events and whatnot, this story isn't going to go anywhere but Oblivion in a handbasket. Parts of it seems to have been ripped directly off of the Crystal Empire episode, something that you shouldn't do. Scrap the story, get a couple of editors and proofreaders, and try again when you've got more belly under your belt. One of the best ways to get better is to read, read, READ as much good fiction as possible. Do throw in the occasional shitfic to see how not to write.
Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...
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