A New Leaf for Twilight Sparkle

by rainbowdashrules95

Chapter 5

Spike grabbed the heart. The spikes got bigger the more he goes outside. Spike tried to keep the crystals for moving by pathetically using his breath, then he jumped to the other crystal next to him.

“Hey, Up Here!” Spike yelled to the other girls.

“Spike?” Rarity said down below in the castle.

“I Got The Crystal Heart!”

King Sombra heard Spike and seen the heart. He went over to Spike with anger to get the heart.

Spike ran down the crystals to the bottom. Then he fell down.

“SPIKIE WIKIE!” Rarity cried.

Shining Armor picked up Cadence on his back. She saw it with her eyes flashed with a glow. Her wings opened. Then Shining Armor Put Princess Cadence over his head and threw her at the heart. She flew like a bullet after the heart and she grabbed Spike and the heart then headed to the fair. She landed to the center of the fair, crushing the fake heart.

“The crystal heart has returned. Use the love and light within you to ensure that King Sombra has not." Cadence said to all the crystal ponies in the area.

The heart flew to the center of the Empire and was held by 2 crystal spikes. The crystal ponies coats turned to a strong crystal look and bowed down to the crystal. The ground started to glow, and glow, and glow until the whole Empire was filled with a huge glow. All the glow went into the crystal heart, and it started to spin.

Comments

[Warren Peace]

You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...

[Warren Peace]

Starting off as I often do: crank out more words per chapter. Anything below 1,000 is generally considered taboo and if you pull this then you're gonna get plenty of insta-hate. Why? Because people don't like it when they can fit an entire chapter on their browser window and it's generally just far too short to be much fun to read. Aim for a minimum of 1,200.

The Crystal Empire is at sake stake, and Twilight is the only one who can fix it!

A story's description is one of the first things that a reader will see and if it's got mistakes then you're already gonna be letting your readers down. If nowhere else, don't let errors slip into your description as every one is worth anywhere from five to ten in an actual story.

Anyways, onto the story!

[The very first paragraph]

No. Get an editor to help you learn to show more than tell. Telling is typically very straightforwards, hence why it is used in manuals and textbooks. It is for this very same reason that it is rarely used to good measure in fictional stories. It is here, in prose, that you should use more showing than telling. Here's an example:

Something hit his wing very hard, breaking some of the bones. It hurt so much that it made him cry.

More telling, less showing.

There was a rush of air as something flew at him, striking his wing with a sickening crunch of bone. He gave a pained cry, squeezing his eyes closed against a sudden torrent of warm tears as the injured appendage throbbed with pain.

More showing, less telling. See the difference?

In addition, you need an Alternate Universe tag as you're creating an alternative scenario for something that happened in the show. Instead of the door being nothing more than a distracting illusion, it seems to have some form of reality here.

[Pretty much everything after those larger paragraphs]

This entire thing has barely any dimension as most of it is just straight dialogue with no descriptions of events/character interactions. An editor or proofreader can help you not make this sort of mistake in the future. This is another thing that will ruin a story as it creates a lack of any sort of solid mental image of what's going on. Be sure to describe the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings of your in-story environment. If you don't, no one else will.

Both this gripe and the one before it echo throughout the story, so don't just think that they're only happening here. If this sorta stuff is something that you struggle with, consider joining this group for writing help.

So yeah.

With little to no dimension and poor use of description of events and whatnot, this story isn't going to go anywhere but Oblivion in a handbasket. Parts of it seems to have been ripped directly off of the Crystal Empire episode, something that you shouldn't do. Scrap the story, get a couple of editors and proofreaders, and try again when you've got more belly under your belt. One of the best ways to get better is to read, read, READ as much good fiction as possible. Do throw in the occasional shitfic to see how not to write.

Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...
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