Great story. Amazing setting I have, but it is now in Hiatus since March 25th, 2014. Expected to recommence within a few months; anyone wanna help?
I look at the stars and hope...
I look into the sky and believe that the world is ready for me, but I know that it's not the case, I know that no one is waiting for me, my friends shared the best of times, and now it's as cold as the shell I feel encased in. I often feel that I have more potential but offer very little gesture beyond my fantasies.
Into the flaming stars and the puffy clouds, I do believe that maybe one day I can see the light at the end of tunnel.
So much for Crusading...
Chapters (2)
Thats deep
3819987
Thank you for the feedback, man. Would you be interested in more chapters?
Apple Bloom might want it.
[youtube=MKeulwZ3sGE]
I'm a tag lost, why is apple bloom so depressed, seems a tad out o charcter without a good explanation?
This was way to out of character without explanation for me to like it, sorry.
3822790
Yeah, man. It was written mostly out of spite, I understand if it isn't interesting.
3822168
Well? It was just written because I wanted to try something new I guess, as Metallica always say "Spread our wings" That's what I was doing, just spreading my wings and trying out a new avenue that involved a depressed filly.
The story itself...don't worry, I'll fix it.
I doubt you seem interested though, so sorry about that.
While 3822790 is right about AB being out of character, this does have an AU tag, so you can get away with it. However, that being said, you do need some kind of explanation as to WHY she's this way. Otherwise, any message you're trying to convey is lost.
This is certainly an interesting concept. I'm curious as to how you would continue— perspectives from other characters? More narration from AB about other thoughts, eventually leading to her taking action? Personally, my suggestion would be to write a flashback as to why she thinks this way. That would hopefully answer some of our questions about why she's so out of character (but again, AU tag).
You also need an editor— there are a bunch of hiccups in there. Every time I say that, I have to say this, too: I'd offer, but I'm swamped as it is.
PS: Was just about to hit the "Add Comment" button when you commented on my page. Good timing.
3823246
You're a teacher, right? Or, at least studying to be a teacher, I think.
You're my friend, so I'll go out and say that this was just created because I wanted a quick one-shot, but contrary to belief, I didn't get that as a result and that is how I'm stuck with this again where I made it too "Open ended" as you said in my last story. So now, I do get why its out of character, and about the editing of the story, how I do it is that I make the story and I like to get feedback on how it is unedited, a bad task, however. I can see why it isn't a good choice but editing things on my own is difficult because I often have the trouble of understanding my faults. It comes with being a new writer.
One thing I hope you can agree with is that (at least of all things) the concepts I create are damn good. If not worse than average I mean.
3823279
). And yes, your ideas certainly are good, but I hate to tell you— I think you may have the same problem I do. I try to come up with one-shots, but the concepts just aren't one-shot material. They're ideas that can become so much more if you allow them to, and I would continue a story if I can. I don't like leaving things "unfinished," but I just can't handle writing multiple long stories at one time. This is why I have so few stories up right now.
Yes, studying to be a teacher (but on medical leave, so have had to put it on hold for now
This story of yours in particular has the potential to turn into a whole lot more. For example, after a second look, I can see it becoming an adventure story that could result in dropping the AU tag (I'm not suggesting you do that, I'm just saying it could have that potential). However, if you're looking for something short, I would suggest some explanation behind AU-Applebloom's thought processes. There needs to be some kind of background explaining why she feels this way.
I can't make a comparison between this and M/B/L/S right now. I'm sorry to say that I haven't read the other chapters you put up, but I'll be off to do that soon.
In terms of editing, I always make it a point to have someone else look it a story before I publish. Something that may look or sound perfectly fine to you may not appear the same way to someone else. That alone also is a good way to broaden your connections. Two of the people I edit with/for have now become great friends of mine, though I've never met them. One of them has had stories featured frequently (and should still have one in the popular box).
So beautiful. This really works for a darker version of Apple Bloom. You really get an understanding with the emotions in this story. A sad but amazing story.
3823934
Uploaded a new chapter, and thank you man,
You are so nice, I mean, your comment has really helped me establish a reason to expand on this story, so thanks and I hope you enjoy.
3822790
Dude, I know you are feeling burned up about this piece of literature, but I do have a new chapter out and it might impress you, come on man? It isn't so bad to take a quick peek at least, will it?
3823777
Nah, after reading your comment, I realized that this story does not, and it should not be something short anymore, this is going to turn into a novel piece, I already have the outline laid out and I have ideas prepped and ready to go, just I would like if you actually continued with this story if not M/B/L/S.
Will you?
For Apple Bloom,
3827406
I have every intention of doing so, with this one AND MBLS. I just have a lot going on right now, so they're kind of on hold. I haven't been able to read anything for a while; I've been busy editing and writing. I have 112 stories in my "Read Later" list right now. *sigh*
Wot in ze fock iz dat!?
I understand the depression in the story it is one of my favorite moods in a fic.
Honestly this was rather random and made little sense.
Being out-of-character means nothing because emotions change everyone that exists
Whoever says that is an idiot, and whoever quotes me better have a good fucking reason
You never explained in depth of why she is depressed and gave no back story behind it.
She is literally just talking in her head about feeling miserable...
Hopefully the next chapter explains something...
Im not gonna downvote this, neither am i going to upvote.
Explain in the next chapter
Make it a STORY
Wow me
I want it to be worthy of an upvote.
One side note; you do describe depression really well. points for that
You always make me stop and think with your dark feels
I can really get into it, and sometimes even have it affect me a little
Still bipff????? "Best internet pony friends forever"
3837048
You're honesty is what I definitely crave most about you, it is very humbly appreciative that you say what you say, dude.
Furthermore, I hope you comment about the second chapter because I want to know you're feedback, also, and to note too, is that Drone Music is not "wot tha fuck!" it's more experimental, and gosh bro! Did you even check the link it states in the author's notes. It shows what me and my cousin are experimenting on.
Lol, I'm very surprised that you find the depression in detail very realistic, as that I did try to make it as such, and I'm proud it worked. Want some insight on that? I can give you a hint if you want.
Always, always you will be my bipff.
Oh God that fucking snare
Song is heavy i fucking love it
OH SHIZ NIQQA MY THOUGHTS ON ZEE STOREH "You put me in a good mood (ironic) because i read with that song playing
WELP: Right of the bat; the weird mix of 1st person/3rd person omniscient kind of turned me off [there goes the good mood]
sorry 
There were a lot of times a ? should have been added but you put a . instead, making somepony talk like a friggin robot
Im not going to be a super critical editor but there are A LOT of mistakes in this story.
Firstly; when you had Applebloom talk inside of her head, you put long ass sentences and just put commas everywhere (if u even remembered to)
Second; when you described the setting of the room or descriptions of the characters, it was very bland and lacked detail. You sort of blew it off
Other paragraphs had decent to good descriptive sentences showing me you know how to, but were lazy and said "fuck this" or didn't care to re-evaluate a short chapter and its paragraphs?
Lastly; Your Punctuation, sentence structure, and your ability to distinguish tenses did not improve very much
You switched 1st person to 2nd person to that weird 3rd person omniscient rather abruptly, and also described things that happened, happening, happens in the same paragraph/sentence.
OKAYYYYY is this a fucking Anthro fic or did you think ponies now have human body parts/features?
Horses have their damn nipples on their lower stomach, close to where our groins would be. (inner haunches?)
I would link a pic but thats rather NSFW
You know what Google is so look. Nothing bothers me more than a pony fanfic in which the author fails to describe AN ACTUAL HORSE
D-U-D-E i have seen you do this SO much: ""develop a pink tinge in the face from embarrassment or shame.""
Nopony is embarrassed or in shame. Applebloom described how torn up the mare looks, then how she has freckles like Applejackoff does
PLZ use it right!
LASTLY: Applebloom is randomly in a therapy session for no reason
Plz explain WHY in the next chapter im getting irritated
Okay Im REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY sorry for bashing you.
I only do this because i want to see you become a great fanfic writer like i know you definitely have the potential to be, but refuse to change and be better for some reason.
Hell, even be one of the top dogs on FIMFic in a year or so if you try MUCH harder to be a better writer.
It seems like you find something fun and inspiring to write about and don't take much of what Nightwolf, petitpony, or I said into consideration to transform your new stories.
Im rooting for you buddy i know you can do better
3837174
No sorry, i will later; i figured judging the story and giving you honest feedback should be first priority
Yes i want to see you and your stories become top-notch quality pieces of art so i will be more honest and harsh in the future
Thanks for not getting mad ahead of time
I swear me and you would be awesome friends IRL instead of the internet if you didn't live so damn far away
Grimdark luvs you
NO HOMO
3837188
Yeah, I can't lie to you at all, I really can't but for the life of me, I have not taken you, petit pony very seriously when it comes to editing my stories, the whole reason I was proud of that chapter was because I actually told the description pretty well, maybe not in grammar, sentence structure and the other bit, but I was happy because I did something I never really bothered to try i.e. showing the setting instead of just moseying on through it with little to no description.
Can I ask, what made M/B/L/S better?
As for Nightwolf, he really is the guy I turn to, you are my editor and best friend on the internet, nothing more. When you discussing those things back in the google.docx, with tenses and what-not. Sentence structure, grammar and all that. I really only learn when I either read stories or just get advice from Nightwolf, because that guy know's shit, like he know's things I never even considered.
I'll be very honest when I say these next few words; Adjectives, plurals, verbs, imperatives, hyphens, and every single fucking thing that ties words into a complete perfect sentence. I never, ever, ever knew what any of those meanings actually meant.
See : and ; I don't know what those are, I just throw them anywhere and assume they mean something. REALLY! Of course I understand somewhat, no not really, I still have trouble with those but you get the point, dude. I don't know what words that connect with plural, adjectives and anything else because I never bothered to understand them. That is why my writing has always been shitting, to say that you actually liked a story of mind is beyond me, it really is, I don't fucking know why you could besides the story itself, I mean dude, the fuck? Who would like a story that is written by a guy who has trouble understanding simple tenses?! Well, I'm that guy bro.
There is a reason I love making music more than writing, love my rant dude, well hold on, I got more to say.
I never even knew the simplest of things, I only ever wanted to write was because my teacher bought me a book at the end of my grade 9th year and wrote a personal message in the front saying that she can't wait to read my books one day. That. Is. My. Only. Reason for writing, because of what she said.
And that is when Nightwolf found out my true problem, it's funny because after me constantly sending my PM's talking with him, and telling him that he shouldn't help me, he ended up doing it because he offered, that's why I have a great amount of respect for him, he can help you even if it meant taking away his personal time. That is why I will always have a sense of respect and pride for him. Basically, in a nutshell, he's been helping me with writing and helping me understand something like adjectives and verbs, because I don't know what the fuck those things are.
As for the story itself, yeah, yeah. I can't lie about this, it was totally, totally created just because I was bored, see, the other story you really seem fond of, I planned on something like that, this heep of whatever was solely created because I was bored after finishing my last day of Semester 1 in school. To see that people like that is over the moon for me, because I might as well been high or drunk when I created that because reading it now, as I've scanned it at least three times on both chapters, there is a lot of issues. But will I fix them? Yeah, I will, but soon as possible? I already explained on my blog that my friend is coming back and I'm starting to do demo's on some new music in my friends band I joined, so I won't have the freaking time. Semester 2 is a bitch because I no longer have spares anymore, I had only three classes and one was my only core class, so I fucked around a lot. Now I'm back to full set of classes and that means, less writing, less fixing, less learning in writing, less everything that involves seeing you, Nightwolf289, Rotorix, KiltedKey. You three are my favorite reasons for coming back really, besides seeing my views.
My total and final reason for why this story is fucked up, and how come you're lost in it is because I want to make this a teenage fic, something I've always been drawn to since I read Leslie's Journal and Go Ask Alice.
Oh, and st. Anger! Love that record, everything from the awesome My World to the crappy Invisible Kid to Purify and to Unnamed Feeling are all amazing tracks, and what can I say, dude? I'm a hipster.
That's my response about the story and my writing in general.
Now reply and give me the best friend grilling of your life.
3837203
I got it! Should I just take down the story and post it when it is better-ly edited?
3837323
Dude calm down
its constructive criticism not me telling you that you suck i.e, go kill yourself 
A story is two parts: 1. being the general idea and mood/theme and how it fits in the story and described. You do this well like i have said in the past HONEST You really hooked me in with the idea of how Twilight was a drug addict and described her addiction; not to mention the dark theme was portrayed excellently : <-- (for listing)
2. Punctuation; making the story, when put into words, not look like a jumbled fucking mess. Your Addiction Story was NOT a complete fucking mess but the punctuation was pretty bad
That is probably the most important part of all, and why some people hate your writing
Even "The Parasprite" said [you know what you're doing when it comes to dark stuff] "Dark" theme and its idea (drug addict) and he is popular as fuck with dark stories
i.imgflip.com/6d2cx.jpg
Then WHY did i edit that? 90% was to make you write better, i had a slight feeling i was wasting my time..... I just told you how to make your sentences and paragraphs sound better. Maybe a little vocab advice thrown in too. I dont feel offended dont worry
For the love of God NightWolf is not a Messiah (he is a good editor i guess)
A Sea Cucumber knows how to give editing advice on a story
but the main thing that actually DOES make me mad; if you do take Nightwolfs advice seriously, i really dont see it in your stories. There is improvement yes but very little
If you took his advice into heart, you would write like Pen Stroke (maybe)
If you yourself personally dont care about writing then you prolly shouldn't
You aren't that bad, i say you should TRY to get better then continue
I totally would if i had the time but i don't HONEST. I am looking for a job and gonna apply to college soon.
But after this now, it seems like you are ignoring the help you receive
"Supercharger let me show you the problems with your story......."
"Okay Nightwolf than-- ZOMG thats bad i should fix it huh?"
*Doesn't look like Supercharger ever truly donated his personal time to overhauling his skills*
WHY?
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH thats why
BUT SERIOUSLY i want to see you write like a fucking champ so work hard okay?
Your skills will not be better simply by pumping out new fics
3837333 No.
Spending a bunch of time fixing a story does not make one a better writer; just leave this one, take advice from the past, then implement it in a new fic or chapter you write.
Re-fixing a story is 90% for the audience to enjoy it more or understand it better
10% see what u fucked up on, fix, then learn from it and write future chapters better (see your overall skills wont improve much)
Dont worry too much about this story, i just wanna see you write more professionally
3837376
I knew it would come out too sad. I should've been more giddy, well then, sassy. I guess out of that message you sent, I see my error of ways NOW.
I'm going back to what I considered my dormant phase, basically try to edit my work and not publish a new story for about two-three months, including chapters. I guess writing at a fast pace isn't my gig yet, oh well. I tried then, at least I gave it a shot.
You think I should take the story down? Personally.
At least we can agree that I accomplished part 1 of 2 for making a story spectacular, oh and there is plot holes in that message I sent. I didn't mention things because I was focused on just fleshing out main points, but I forgot two points, one was my interest in writing really jump started because of my teacher and the sudden love for books that year, before I guess, I was your typical teenager that despised books and considered them a waste of time, but now...I got a whole bookshelf's worth of books thanks to reading my all-time favorite; Go Ask Alice. (Note: This is the point where I began to find drugs interesting.)
Alright Grim, it's been decided, I'm no longer writing for a long while and only focusing one edits, and help from others. You agree?
You think the story should be taken down?
3837376
As I remembered, bro!
You offered, literally, you felt that you needed to try you're skills and was apparently "thrilled" at accomplishing this feat. It worked out perfect for the both of us, alright. I got some nice chapters edited, and thank you for that, and also you got criticized to improve on you're editing so you know where you stand now. Like what others say, you can only go up from here.
Oh, and Pen Stroke...don't associate me with that guy, he is a bad smell around here and I don't want to be coined as similar to him, unless you think I smell too, then how dare you!
3837415
Yes and no. Going away for a month or two doing nothing but revamping your skills; then coming back and writing will not turn you into a writing genius but will certainly help.... to a degree.
TittySparkles is my favorite Clop writer of all time (and many others apparently i mean look at her followers) but her first stories grammar were fucking bad (OH BABY IM GETTING HARD JUST QUOTE ME ALREADY 
) Im serious they all had problems at first, some more than others 
Regidar and RainbowBob wrote like fucking shit at first, they took the advice from their editiors AND ACTUALLY IMPLEMENTED in their next fics (quote me on this; go ask em i dare you) Now they are good
But for the love of God dont write 70-100 like they did
Since you already deemed that route was not for you (it still can be) i guess editing is the choice for now THEN when you are decent with punctuation; you can go pump out fics from inspiration you receive
Do a little at a time. Take a week or two off to look at your stories and take the advice to edit them, then see if you got better by posting a new fic/chapter, then notifying me so i can rip your head off or hi-five you okay?
3837419 I would have said RobCakeran but he isnt a great writer per se,
He just wrote an emotional story about a fucking hoers in a box (it was good) but Pen Stroke has 5000 followers so he fucking did something right didn't he!?
I dont like Pen stroke TBH
3837440
Are you willing to offer advice then, when I re-edit stuff?
Look, if you rip my head off, please, do not add specific text from the story, I will find out myself when I read it out loud, if you do that, and I say this for everyone, if you do it, not only will it mentally scar me for a day, but it just wears me down like Metallica and Lou Reed's Lulu. Please don't wear me down like that.
I don't mind if you just rip my asshole a new one and destroy my stories, but please do not just add specific text because I can't take that pain.
3837446
Yeah, Pen Stroke isn't my favorite either.
Like how you retracted from you're previous statement there and decided to not comment on it. Nah, it's fine dude, I just chuckled a little bit that's all.
3837452
i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/000/063/Picture_2_c.jpg
How will you learn then!? You just said you don't pay attention to advice
Anyways, if i took the extra (hmmm 8-10 hours after reading?) To PetitPony-ify the story by quoting every mistake that would do you no good and scar you
(did it before obviously)
I will tell you what you did/didn't do wrong/right after re-edits and such.
I will ALWAYS be here to attack your story or re-edit just usually not immeadiately okay?
Just hit me up and i will give you a good ol' fashioned rant from hell.... That will also help
3837456
Explain?
I do not change opinions when i state something.
i.imgflip.com/6d3x0.jpg
3837463
I like how easy you were during my last fic, but it's like you went from Black Album to Load, you went from being this big support to changing you're whole genre i.e. you're perspectives on how you should proceed with my fics.
Well, boy. I'll soldier on and make sure to hold my barrier while you fuck me over, and over, and over, and over, and over.
3837471
On the "Why did I EDIT that?" comment.
3837473 Thats because decided to not care about any grammar/punctuation mistakes and just focus on the story and events of MBLS
You did a really good job describing scenes like the fire to the forest(that part was kinda wild and fucked up but eh) So i got distracted from mistakes
You did good story aspect (1) really good and (2) acceptable enough[the two things for a good story i mentioned earlier remember?] so i didnt feel the need 
I could have bashed you, Not as bad as this Applebloom fic. In this fic you did aspecs (1) and (2) bad so i bit your fucking nuts off
3837475 Oh NightWolf told me i sucked and i need to get better; simple as that.
Didnt need to focus on that any longer
Also i wanted help for a bit and i did, Again i cannot take on a full blown editor role, time constraints
I MENTIONED THIS ALREADY IN THE PAST
3837473 True Addiction i ripped your nuts off too, Did someone hit you in the head with a baseball bat??
3829514 His stories are only a few thousand words, Dude even without skimming and just full-blown reading thats like 10 infinitesimal minutes
3837496
I understand that. But as an editor, even with stories I'm not editing, I have a habit of going back and re-reading things to see if everything is right. That makes my actual reading speed much slower. If you've seen me around, you'll notice that I've written "you need an editor" on most of the good stories I read (which makes me feel bad since I can never offer the service myself).
Aside from that, as I mentioned, I have had a lot going on. Things finally lulled bit, so I can actually get some reading done now, but I've been focusing on my editing more than my reading and writing. Relax— I'll get around to them.
3837496
Baseball bat?
3838435 Nothing wrong with that, not what i meant.
Your stories are short so anyone saying they dont have time is a LIAR
Not level dasher tho
3837754
Very busy job, i can relate so that makes sense
Also if you are an editor maybe you can also give him some advice
i dont wanna be the only one
3838435 If that was an accidental reply and you meant the coment where i actually used baseball bat:
The very first story i helped you with True Addiction i complained a lot with the advice i was giving and the mistakes i was fixing in Google Docx comments remember?
Hence, Very first time i ripped your head off, so i didnt start off "goin easy on you" in MBLS
3838815
Thanks for making me the exception.
3838825
Yeah, it's pretty time-consuming. As one of my authors would say, editing a story takes just as long as writing it (and I'm inclined to agree). I've been editing multiple stories at a time lately, and I'm happy to say that one is in the featured box right now, and two more are in the popular box. I'm not trying to take credit for those stories being there, but it's nice to see your efforts pay off.
I would absolutely offer our friend Supercharger some editing advice, and I might soon, but real life is about to come and kick me in the butt when college classes start up again next week. *shudder*
Edit: Sorry for promoting other authors' stories on your story's comments, Supercharger. I realize that looks like an attempt to glorify myself.
If you have a google doc for this, I can take a look if you like.
3838907 He doesn't use Google Docs
You have to download the story then paste it to a document 
I think its more, you constantly are inclined to go through it 5 or 6 times to make 100% there are no mmistakes
Also there is no shame showing which featured stories are courtesy of your edit, i sort of envy you
Lastly, yes do whatever you can with advice whenever you have the time, im also looking for a job and looking to apply at a local college
I love these types of fanfictions; they are always what I am looking for. This one is arguably my favorite I have ever read and I don't think it needs to be said, but it will be, that I would like to read more
3848449
Wow. I'm surprised, hey though, thanks for the warm feedback, I will honestly with all my heart do my best to meet your needs, dude. Thank you.
3853381
Why the negativity?
3856068 Its good but there are mistakes. what do?
3856077
I mean, like, there is already enough comments explaining how this story needs to be improved, so why remind him of it when he most likely had already checked the comments below? I feel like you enjoy spelling out my faults. It just irks me, that's all.