* As of February 16th, 2014, this is going through a complete revision. Chapters III-V have been removed for now.*
Edited by; SongCoyote, Mr+GrimdarK
From the mouth of Celestia:
"For we have defeated the Plague. The Pandemic that took billions over the course of 18 months, 13 days and 21 hours before it was announced by the newly formed world-government, The Hierarchy, that we completely eradicated the infected. But the Resistance still poses a threat. Dare we fight another war? A war that causes climates to shift, and millions to become homeless and driven to savagery? Where Harmony and law cease to exist? You tell me, my little ponies. Shall we fight a new war that's filled with mindless enemies like the last? We have lost 6.2 billion ponies worldwide. How will the 1.1 billion still standing react to this new barbarism, unless we do something about it together? My former faithful student, Princess Twilight Sparkle, destroyed the infected with the Elements Of Harmony, suffering heavy casualties...
Let us build a new world, one without fighting. Let us rise after this setback. Let us live!"
She spoke from the highest balcony in the old, worn-down castle that had become her temporary residence. Her imploring speech fell on the ears of 2 million ponies, protesting to halt a new war that loomed ominously in the heart of Equestria.
This is going to be a long story. With Pt. II and Pt. III in the pre-production stages.
Pt. I will feature harsh, gory and malicious stuff. And it's twenty to thirty chapters long. I haven't decided yet.
This... Is gonna be awesome.
3270127
Thanks for the vote of confidence. I hope you enjoy what I have in store for you and all the people that will be reading this story I thought of.
I liked the story, but be detailed about it.
BUCK THE POLICE
3275375
Thanks for your feedback. I will improve chapter: 2 and do much better for chapter: 3. But do remember this is my first story. I'm not trying to make a retort to your opinion. But I am new to writing still. So you won't expect me really 'balls' out there with the "show; don't tell" scheme just yet. Give it time. I'll find some new wounds to heal in my story.
3278138
Did you really believe it or are you just being sarcastic?
3278272
Yeah? Why you liked the story as it stands? Because it's cool if you did. But I will still improve it, I am currently re-doing parts of Chapter: 2 On Edge Pt. II, to help me captivate my creativity on writing. It's going well, I am doing more showing and telling together instead of the formual you read a few days back. It should be done completely in 2-3 days estimate. I am in a city right now, Edmonton AB, Canada. So I don't have much time to devotee to this project. I will tell you that I have Chapter 3 and Chapter 4 done. Chapter 5 is in the works. Technically Chapter 3 was supposed to be the end of the fun-loving story and Chapter 4 was kind of the turning point, it still is. But probably Chapter 5 is where all the viewers will be 'shocked' I suppose. Anyway check back in 2-3 days for the updated Chapter 2 and Chapter 3 as both will be released on the same day most likely. I plan to write weekly.
3278272
Oh yeah and the "Did you really believe it or are you just being sarcastic?" comment you sent me, goes well with your picture. I really laughed when you sent me that. The way how Discord looked was pretty funny.
3285406
Well played sir, well played.
I think we can weight.
3344197
???
Oh? Did I mess up in a paragraph or something? Can you tell me where the error is?
I completely approve of this story.
3354743
FUCK YEAH!
I love the enthusiasm behind leaping into writing like this, but the overall quality is poor; it kind of looks like English isn't your first language, since you don't make the common errors of bad writing so much as the wording is awkward.
That said, you only improve by writing more.
3364131
Damn that hurts...Then, well I can understand. It is my first story, so I'm not okay with what you said, but I'll solider on and see where I went wrong, thanks for your feedback. I'll take it with a grain of salt and do what I got to do, however can you tell me one thing? The wording is awkward right? So where is it happening? Like all over the story and it sounds even more fucked up because I'm Canadian, so English is my first language.
I do get the problem, I think? It's because there is sometimes too many big words or some scenes that are too long?
Opinions do help me improve, so can you help with that?
3364131
Oh shoot! Your talking about chapter 1. Yes I have been meaning to change that, because it's very low-grade as opposed to my other chapters.
All right... Well, like what has been stated before, the wording is very awkward.
If it was changed up a bit, I don't think it would be a huge problem.
Just rewrite it if your not happy with it.
With the more experience you have now, you can rewrite it and it can match the quality of the other chapters.
Otherwise, I don't think I saw any grammatical errors.
If you need anything else, message me, I'm always happy to he[p.
3370118
Thanks for your feedback Rotorix. I'm happy someone else understands the problem here.
One free review as promised. (Sorry it's a bit later than I expected
)
Grammar errors I detected.
first chapter and second chapter
Smaller errors:48 and 56
Sentences with major flaws:12 and 27
Overall: 143+ Errors in two chapters.
Poor grammar, but not just punctuation. Your sentence construction is awful. There are even more errors that I skipped over because they were just questionable as compared to the obvious errors. You have so many sentences that are fragments or run-ons it hurts me. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just being honest so you can improve on it.
Plot and pacing.
It seems like the story has a good plot and is moving along at a reasonable pace for the length you have set. Nice job.
Characters.
Both Twilight and Spike seemed out of canon but it's all good because you have an [AU] tag.
Overall score: 4 out of 10
You need a proofreader, sooner than later. As I said before, I'm not trying to be mean. But if no one tells you how high/low your skill level is then there is no way to improve. Is there? Your grammar is really the only thing that stood out for me, or rather your lack of. The rest of your story seemed fine but to be honest it's a little hard to tell under the layer of bad grammar.
And yes I talked about your grammar a lot. It is a very important part of a fic to me (read most people, me included). The best story ever could be grammatically flawed and then dies out because no one wants to (attempt to, and fail to) read it.
Hope you like your review (or at least don't hate it, and me).
3377456
Whoa?! Dude. Take forever don't you think?
Yeah, it's okay. I'm re-doing chapter: 1.
I personally hate the overall structure of it, so its being revised. Majorly...
Thanks for the review - it does hurt. But...I do understand since I am new to writing. I can't get all the works right in one take, right?
And yes I do get the story is a bit - out of order, but I am rectifying the problem to appeal to my needs and to every other person that has and will read it.
WOW...I just read your review! I just skimmed it and decided to write this response - but now that I read it completely, I'm actually happy you said that because it shows where I chucked up and what I need to revitalize.
My hand is getting numb so I'll make it snappy. What chapters were bad? Was it all of them. Because that's a big-blow; however, you reviewed it so I can understand where a critic is coming from.
Your review I am really gracious for (no bullshit - even though it sounds like I'm just being nice and shielding myself. I do mean it.) because it actually looks like you took your time to review instead of some people that shrug it off and comment me to say "I like the story, but be more detailed." Like fuck! Can you please be specific?
Final questions to ask. And this will hurt me - I know for sure it will.
But was the story awful? I really hope it wasn't in your eyes. I'm not discussing grammar and I am re-editing Chapter 1 and 2(now) remember; wink-wink. I am discussing plot-line.
And how do I find a proof-reader?
You've been pretty honest and cool, so I respect you for that.
3377595
Looking for Editors is a group dedicated to doing just that, finding editors/proofreaders. Or you can find an interested follower of your story to help you (that's how I got mine). I currently have a pre-reader who helps me with concepts and plot. And also a proofreader, who helps with grammar but not plot. Overall, it works well. But that's just what I do personally, not a "you have to do this."
Grammar wise, the story got better with each passing chapter but by chapter 5 it still wasn't anywhere near close to being grammatically correct, if you like I can go through it later and count the flaws. Then you can compare it to my scores of chapter one, seeing as how they are of (almost) equal length. That way you can see how much you have improved.
As for the non-grammatical opinion on your story that will have to wait, though I should get it done by tomorrow. I will have to re-read the story after disconnecting the "grammar Nazi" part of my brain in order to get an accurate reading.
Anyway, glad my hard work reviewing paid off and didn't get deleted by the author (I was so
when he/she did that last time). I am also glad you didn't get defensive and snappy to my in depth review, also a unfortunate response.
Hopefully I will offer an even more helpful review later today (schedule permitting).
3377649
Yeah and I was thinking of deleting your response! But I didn't want to be one of those kind of people who seek the defensive strategy to hide from their own true problems; never dealing with the scope of the situation. They only hurt themselves.
Instead I want you to be honest and fuck it hurts when you bashed the story, in a honest fashion I mean. I'm not insulting you.
But to get a truthful review like that was nice of you, so thanks.
Yikes! My grammar was that bad in each chapter! I really thought I was doing amazing. Shit I feel like an idiot. I am quite amazed some people haven't outright thumbs down the story yet. Quite ironic in a sense, don't you think?
Was my sentence structure the problem and punctuation was terrible in each chapter? That does shed light on this review you sent because Microsoft Word 2013 doesn't correct me or give me those red groove underlines indicating when I am wrong at something. So thank you on that part. I will use a proof-reader.
One thing I was surprised about was how you read all five chapters! Usually a person who reviews just get's through the first 10,000 words and says fuck it because its way too much for their time. That makes you a good reviewer.
I know I sound like I'm buttering things up to make it sound like I am alright with what you said. But I feel like a real idiot for thinking I was doing a good job in writing throughout the story. Fuck it hurts, but you know. I understand. After all? You can only learn from starting at the bottom of the barrel.
Thanks for offering a suggestion for proof reading on that site Looking for Editors. That will help a bunch. Though I do got a follower that helps me when I need him.
Final response: You're review did hurt me, really bad. I mean I do feel like crap even right now. But you were being a actual reviewer that was specific and coherent when it came to reviewing and for that I have nothing but respect. Is it alright if I follow you? I feel like your an okay dude.
Thanks and respond; if you so choose I mean.
3377688
My intention wasn't making you feel like an idiot or a piece of crap, so sorry. (I do actually have some experience on the receiving end of criticism, one guy told me my finished story looked like a draft. BURN. That one stung a little. So I do know where you are coming from.)
As for not getting any dislikes... (shrugs) I guess the people who didn't like it just didn't down vote it. For instance, I wouldn't dislike a story on grammar alone. (Unless it was absurdly bad.) I would have to ACTIVELY dislike it to down vote it. Not just passively.
And don't worry about being a new writer, everyone was there at some point. As long as you are trying to improve you're doing okay. Like you are doing right now!
I am not JUST an okay dude. I am a massively mediocre dude with a flair for the magnificence! Feel free to follow me and bask in my average rate skills!
Also feel free to read one of my stories while you are at it.
Sadly, not even I am above self promotion...
Also I am re-reading your story now. I should get to your review soon. I all depends on when I can sit down and write that much about the plot and count the errors in the last chapter.
3377886
Thanks for the support!
(cringe) I have a feeling you're going to bombard the plot. Yikes! I shouldn't be thinking about that.
Anyway's I am re-editing Chapter 1 and 2 as previously state before hand. And if you got any more complaints about my other chapters than I will happily edit them (A tear trickling out of my eye)
Is it necessary if I ask you in the future to read the story again, once I have changed and refined the text/grammar/sentence/punctuation errors.
That I must ask once you are done reading. How bad is the sentence structure and punctuation errors?
Plot and other non-grammar related things review.
Remember, however, that most things involving not-grammar are opinions. It is just what I thought of it, so don't immediately correct everything I say I thought could be better. What you should do is look at everything I mentioned with an objectionable eye, and make an informed decision.
First of all, Character Portrayment.
All of the characters are darker than in the show. That, however, is not necessarily a bad thing. Even though they weren't canon they stayed true to your view of them.
Twilight: Seems a little high strung to be believable (for me at least). Her attitude jumps all over the place from paragraph to paragraph, on some occasions. Now, I realize that some situations call for that but you still need to watch it carefully.
Spike: The only thing that had me going with him was when he was 'groping' Pinkie. As a matter of fact most of that scene between him and Pinkie seemed a little forced.
Rainbow: Was fine, I don't really have anything to say about her.
Pinkie: Was... something else. I would stay away from her at all times... She scares me. She seems to be right on the edge of sanity, I'm not sure if that was your intent but that's what I got.
Story flow.
The story seemed a little choppy to me but within acceptable limits. I think that most of that will be fixed when your grammar is corrected so you don't have to worry about this one that much, yet. Your story seems little on the slow side. I, however, always prefer slow over rushed; so no complaints from me there.
Overall.
Besides the before mentioned grammar flaws this story seems quite good. You have a good idea and enthusiasm, just poor execution. I could go on nitpicking for hours but at the end of that time it would pretty much be my story, so I just pointed out the more major things I noticed.
Overall opinion (not including grammar) Once you clean up the story my previous rating of 4 could easily go up to a 7 or an 8.
Expect my grammar review of chapter 5 tomorrow morning.
3380285
What I intended:
That whole Pinkie scene didn't originally arise from my initial approach for her first appearance; however, when I first added her. She had a real poor opening, as it was just her saying two lines in three sentences and leaving. I hated that scene; so what I did instead was give her a
crazy side that I do believe in fact she has in the show itself. Personally I think if you gave her just a little 'push' than she could end up like how Harvey Dent went in The Dark Night from Joker's persuasion. That's how I thought of her as. Crazy and quite scary.
The scene itself...I don't want to admit it, but yes it was kind of forced as it wasn't my original intention but I felt I wanted to add something else. As the story too me felt like it wasn't going anywhere throughout Chapter: 3.
Pinkie:
You were dead on about that, I wanted to portray her as a character on the brink of complete insanity. I will add more clues to her structure throughout the story until the last chapter in Pt. III whenever I decided to write that story.
The story is somewhat choppy to me. Why I say that because in some points I couldn't quite figure how to progress the story. I must tell you that all those five chapters and the next two were all originally Chapter 1 to my story. But too do that would've been long and kind of messy whenever I would read it back to myself.
Again I must ask, but when you say grammar is bad? Like is the words that are wrong or is the way the scenes lay out that make it sound awkward? Is it the body movements the characters do that you find rather mundane and extricate?
Twilight: has always been a problem for me.
I love that character to death, but sometimes I don't know how to make that character pop like how she did in the show. So yes there are some spasmodic moments where she could've been laid out more appropriate and formal to her original canon style.
Rainbow:
I'm quite surprised nothing was bad for Dash, then again she was a less-tricky character for me to write up. I don't know why everyone says she is difficult. I personally think Twilight is the tough sell when it comes to fanfic structure/content.
Spike: Well too me, Spike seemed the big brother; except he is younger. He always seemed the guy that was the sane and most practical of the group along with Applejack.
As for the overall darkness of the characters. I intended that to be, because it's Fimfiction; not the script for the main TV show, so of course I would make them kind of fucked up.
I'm re-doing chapter 1 and the character development for Twilight and Spike are quite different now. Darker content different, nothing sexual or in anyway abusive but just more somber. Now when its done, please consider re-reading that chapter.
The descriptive part I want to know how well that played out for you? Like how did it pan out in your head during the time you've read it.
Haven't read your story, but I did clean up your description a bit. The description is the first thing your readers see of your story, and if it's confusing they won't even bother with the first chapter. That said, read this over and see if it's a bit more accurate, and if it is, feel free to copy-paste that shit to your story:
One thing you need to get into the habit of doing is putting two spaces after the end of a sentence. Almost all of your sentences in the story description were single-spaced, and if that extends to your chapters it's one of the things you should focus on fixing. I'd offer to edit the story for you, but I'm having trouble enough with my own story, so I don't really have the time to offer you more than just this.
Well, that, and a suggestion to ease up with the semi-colons. You notice how there aren't any in that revised description above? In most cases, a comma or just a new sentence work best. I have my own bad habit of using way too many em-dashes, though.
3381992
Thanks for the help.
Remember what I said about the story; wink-wink.
One grammar review, coming right up!
(Note: because you are revising chapters one and two all examples are taken from chapters three, four, and five.)
Here are examples of simple grammar incorrectness:
Should say.
“Hey, are we heading into town now? It seems like it,” Twilight Sparkle announced.
See how it flows better? Also, it is now grammatically correct.
Should say.
"Maybe it is just an off day, Twil. I wouldn't know."
Comma needed before direct address. "I wouldn't know" isn't a question it is a statement, therefore punctuate it as such.
Should say.
The landing sounded hard, however.
"However" isn't a sentence.
Should say.
“How about the barn? I mean, outside the barn?” she says, half-nervously.
Don't capitalize he said/she said tags.
Also note: generally you don't end a quote with a period, something you do all the time.
The list goes on...
Grammar awkwardness:
Should read.
She cut her speed by seventy-five percent.
Usually you don't use numbers and you don't need to tell us "of what she going at previously" we already know that.
Should say.
???
Frame means "skeletal structure" and gears don't apply to wings so... Confusion.
Should read.
The sun beamed on the town, changing the color pattern of the clouds – they all swirled and blended like a tropical forest. Dozens and dozens of amazing colors, objects, and life all intruding on each others separate space.
Should say.
They began descending down to Applejack's farm.
Or something like.
As they began descending down to Applejack's farm they felt relaxed and relieved.
That doesn't go in the content of the story but you get the idea.
Those sentences and many more are awkward.
Incorrect word usage:
Reads.
Their minds scattered the grand speeds each were spazzing uncontrollably at crazy lengths.
???
Reads.
"You got to practice right now, if you're going to get anywhere with your absurd and distorted wings!"
???
Reads.
Twilight edited a text for publication to her old conception hate.
???
Once again the list goes on...
I could go on tearing your story apart sentence by sentence but I won't. Those are just some examples of things you did wrong.
Also, sorry for making you feel like I can only imagine this does. I'm just being honest.
Send me a PM when you finish chapters one and two and I'll take a look at them.
3382558
Man that fucking sucks.
I will, once again solider on and tackle whatever errors I have wronged.
Thanks for the long help - I really can't believe you've took a lot of your time to collectively dissect some pretty big problems in my story. That is mighty fine of you.
I plan on continuing to write throughout the rest of my life - so when I look back on the messages you've sent me in a few years. I will laugh my fucking head because I wrote so badly all those years ago. I plan too anyway's.
God damn, you are right! It is fucking bad. A complete sense of failure is rushing throughout my body right now. Damn when I look at the text...I just want to upchuck because it looks sloppy - that was totally what I didn't intend. Yeah fuck it, you learn with experience is what I say.
That gears thing with Rainbow Dash's wings worked more of a metaphor....
So uhh? Sorry you didn't quite get that.
Damn and I thought I was being so clever? Well that blows that pipe-dream up in the air.
Thanks for your long review again. I really appreciate the knowledge you've given me.
Really I do, because now that means I can only go up with writing instead of down.
Personally, do I have to re-do the whole story?
Okay, now this is it. Right here, right now.
Two more questions, then I'm done. Because I think you're getting sick of answering my obvious questions by now (My opinion, don't use it against me!).
I actually saw lots of stories with periods and comma's at the end of characters lines. These stories were made by professionals, so?????
And finally.....How many people you've seen with a bad story like myself. Because I think I fudged up the most...I am not taking credit for making the biggest pile of shit, but it sounds like I did the worst most catastrophic story known to man.
Again, all the best.
3382939
Quotes are a very particular thing. Here is a short list of ways to do them correctly.
======
"Oh boy! Muffins!" yelled Derpy.
"Not really..." replied Twilight.
"Why wouldn't they be muffins?" she asked, a confused expression on her face.
"Because those are, in fact," Twilight said with athority, "rocks."
"Rocks," Derpy deadpanned.
"Yup."
Derpy's expression became depressed. "But... they tasted so good."
======
Visit this Writing Guide for the reasons WHY these are correct and other writing help. I would reccomend reading the whole thing, it was helpful to me and will be helpful to you.
You have done better than most stories plot-wise, it is just the grammar that you lack. Read this for an absolutely awful story. Read the comments as well to see funnyness.
Anything else you want/need?
3383161
Yes, I have read this writing practice before I started writing - one thing to note was I didn't pay clear enough attention because literally there is sections of things on the not to do list that I've done, oh so many times. (Sigh) Now I know what to overcome.
Thanks to your consistent suffering of reading my grammar-error Chapters I now seek a new avenue in writing. Basically I now crave quality over quantity with my already published Chapters.
Meaning I am going re-do all the Chapters, one by one; dissecting and disconnecting and realigning all the muddled up work and refine it to something new. The plot as you say is a bit choppy - so I will find the weak points and tackle them; unfortunately that whole 'grope' scene is something I will have to get too later. Seeing how grammar and punctuation is my new top priority in writing this god-damn long as fuck story.
The ironic part to this whole elaborate charade was that I actually thought I was doing okay
, I know some parts looked muddled but I never thought that grammar and punctuation played a larger role in writing; I mean, I knew it did. But I thought I had it in the bag. And this story is supposed to be over 100,000 words long!
It will take quite some time, assuming how long it will take to read that writers guide again and re-applying extensive work on the 5 Chapters. But in the end of it all; after I am done can you re-read the 5 Chapters? It would certainly be nice to get another review from a professional again after I had done some sprucing up.
You've been the best, so thanks dude.
3386696
Sure, I'll look over them again after you finish editing them. Send me a PM whenever you are done.
But once again, expect no "softening of the truth", I don't like lying.
Just remember, never stop improving and never stop writing!
I mean, unless you want to that is...
3387106
Ah yes? I've been meaning to ask. What the hell is a PM?
Is it Private Message?
3387364
That is exactly what it is. Just click on or hover my username, then click the mail button.
3387389
Alright, cool. Thanks
good story!
3432671
Wow thank you!
I would highly recommend checking out The Proofreader Group if you are looking for someone to help edit this story for you!
3444396
Don't worry I got four guys all willing to help make this story work and I can understand if you read the story and didn't like it. I get it.
But I do have people already that will be helping me once I finish redoing chapter 1 and if you read that chapter? Than do know that I am majorly fixing it up. So no worries on that!
But if you didn't read the story than I understand.
3444431
I read the story about a week ago and loved it! I just noticed that a lot of people were making suggestions here in the comments, so I decided to drop a shameless plug in case you were interested.
3444440
Wow.
I am just...I can't believe....Its weird hearing that gracious compliment and thank you!
Thank you!
Oh and the shameless plug thing? Don't worry about it. If you thought the story was great than that's just fucking awesome! But do know that I am making changes so I know what you might be thinking when someone says there doing changes to a story - my usual thought is: "Damn it now I got to re-read it again."
But I assure you my friend. It will be a worthy read as this new revised chapter is going to be better.
Thanks again and all the best.
I guessing you don't mind me downloading them something to READ :)
Might do a Voice commentary Maybe
And for some reason i started to tear up and i blame other storys destroying my Tolorates for sad bits in storys for example
My Little dashie-
well Keep it up i know it old but yea
3447319
I don't exactly know what you are saying right there? Can you clarify.
All the best.
Alrighty then, starting off with error/improvement notes!
The title drop feels out of place here.
Wait, is it Equestria: Z or Z: Equestria?
For that matter, what is this Z? What does it mean?
This rhyme hurts.
Hm, this needs a bit of work, especially given as it's the second piece of dialogue in the story.
My main problem lies in this "especially as the last" and this "and moved to his family’s ranch to help out." part.
For the first I recommend replacing 'as' with 'since', for the second I recommend cutting the explanation about the merchant, since it doesn't really matter to the story or readers where a nameless shopkeep left to.
Unfortunately I'm still very much a learner in the art of grammar, so I can't tell you exactly what if anthing should be fixed here, but I have a feeling that the above punctuation is either wrong or just... unsightly. I recommend finding someone with more experience than I to critique the line.
??? Twilight just... ran off, kinda. I don't get it.
She's upset, then scared for Spike... then she runs away from where Spike is? What?
This paragraph feels rushed. That wasn't very helpful was it?
Either rejoin the bottom and top halves or put another quotation mark on the bottom half.
This sentence kind of runs on at the end.
The scene transition here is pretty stilted.
These two paragraphs need to be separated.
Phew, now that that's out of the way, on to my actual critique!
Overall I found the narration to be rather rough, though since you stated that this is your first time writing fanfiction that's not very surprising.
In terms of characters I will approach each one individually:
Twilight: Probably the character I felt for and connected with the most, she's clearly been scarred deeply by the vague events of her past, and is desperately trying to regain some semblance of normalcy in her twisted present, and hoping for a brighter future.
Yes I'm very sappy, moving on.
Spike: Unlike Twilight above, I can't connect to Spike in this story at all. While Twilight has been clearly scarred by the events of her past, Spike is bluntly unaffected. It honestly feels like he isn't even comprehending the fact that almost everyone they knew is dead. I mean, this is a friggin' post-apocalypse and he's acting like it's no big deal! In my opinion, Spike's character is completely detached from this story's tone.
Trixie: The final character present in this chapter, Trixie is... bland. Trixie's canonically bright and interesting character has apparently been bleached out by the war/plague/apocalypse/whatever, leaving her to become Generic Apocalypse Survivor #324. I'm all for fanon reinterpretation, and in fact, this kind of story practically demands it, but GAS#324 just isn't appealing to me.
Next off is the setting!
You get an F in exposition! But an A+ in dramatic presentation!
RvB references aside, while the grimness of the setting is both apparent and engaging, I have no fucking clue what's going on, or rather, what has already went on.
I mean, there was a war or a plague or something... It did something... And now everybody's dead. Huh?
I guess you're leaving that particular exposition for later, but a lot of the drama hinges on what happened during the plague/war/apocalypse, and I don't even know why there was a war in the first place.
I'm guessing zombies, because zombies are everywhere. And the Z is a hint to that.
Hooh, on to the next category.
Presentation!
Like I mentioned earlier, the story is presented well, GAS#324 aside, and the feeling of desolation really shines through.
The best part however, is the description of the Cakes' last stand.
It's beautiful, and terrible.
Then GAS#324 went and apparently looted the place.
STOP DISRESPECTING THEIR MEMORY GAS#324!
Ahem.
Well, this has gone on long enough, so it's time to close this off.
Overall.
While the story is rough, and the characters could use work, the setting is presented beautifully, and the atmosphere really shines through.
+1LIKE
3454973
See...
There was a slight mix up, per say:
Basically the whole deal was that I already had a whole story fixed in there. What I mean was, err, that I completed over 16,000 words of a new beginning and the characters were extremely dark.
I made Spike a pathetic mess, but not lazy work but rather, a crazy, depressive maniac and abusive mess.
His views on the world have changed and he has toughened up and became really detached with Twilight in terms of friends, family and personal allies.
Twilight Sparkle was just the same as presented in what you have read but was more akin to PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and self-harm to herself.
Yes they were both pretty dark in this revised edition
Trixie: Was a sexual deviant and used substances to mend her weakened state. She was also delusional and the same thief that was shown too you in that chapter.
What happened!
What happened was that a acquainted of mine got back to one of my earlier messages before I started revising the chapter myself. Instead of asking others for more help and the results was that he re-did that whole chapter that you've read and so, I contemplated on what should I do with this 16,000 word unfinished piece that I spent an entire week on just revising and adding a whole sleuth of new scenes and the whole bit. I scrapped that whole part with them playing with a silly kite and made Spike assault Twilight before she slammed Spike across the room with her blind rage.
I also made Twilight Sparkle more tougher as opposed to old self when it comes with physical strength.
After contemplating on what to do with this new piece I made and the complete generous offer that my friend SongCoyote did with the original work (And I won't lie, that whole chapter you read was a complete one shot I did right when I started the story, so I didn't even give much thought on where to go with it in truth) I decided to just keep the part my friend revised and shelf this darker content until further notice.
Plus another thing to clarify was that the unreleased content told a more gruesome scene that took place at Sugarcube Corner. I mean the shit I unhinged was pretty inhumane for people who don't like much gore.
So there is the full story right there as too why some parts were probably not on par with your perception of the story and why it was there in the first place.
I'll be honest to the fact that I'm still peeved really, really bad that I didn't get to show that whole new work I made. Because I think people would've been impressed with the darker content and darker story I've laid out for the foundation of the whole story that would follow up afterwards.
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That's the point!
I mean that is the whole point of that prologue! You aren't supposed to know what has happened than other the fact that ponies won the war with the dead/plague victims/renegades/axis ponies. You weren't supposed to know really, well, anything because its all going to be laid out in three different stories with several other smaller stories aside that piece the whole reason of Z together!
Thanks and all the best.
Okay, while I usually try to read an entire story before I post a critique, I'm going to have to do this one on your two chapters because your story hurt for me to read. As such, this critique will have a lot of negative things in it and very few positives and I'm giving you fair warning now that this could hurt and giving you the option of stopping now.
Let's start from the beginning, I found your prologue's intro to be both very generic and dull instead of the interesting attention grabber that it needs to be. Your prologue is also set in a time after the events of the story which instantly kills any reason for me to continue reading your story as I already know that whatever happened, Twilight, Spike, Celestia, and the mane 6 survive. However, of the two chapters I read, your prologue was certainly better of the two, despite it being a bit to much telling and not enough showing.
Your second chapter has the exact reverse of this problem in that you are showing and telling us way too much information that is not relevant or necessary to this part of the story, we don't need to know about the underworld of Canterlot yet if at all. You bogged this chapter down with so much irrelevant data that just trying to figure out what is happening three quarters of the time is difficult to impossible. This is not helped by the fact the chapter is littered with so many grammatical and syntax errors that even someone like me who sucks at it is being pulled out of the story by bad syntax. I strongly recommend you, and maybe even a friend go through and read your story aloud to help you find and correct some of these mistakes. You should also note that the use of numbers, parenthesis, and an abundance of exclamation points in stories are clear indicators of a beginning writer and should be either completely absent or used very rarely in a story.
I'm further baffled by just how off the characters feel in the second chapter, as they don't seem to come anywhere close to their usual personas. This is even more confusing to me as in your prologue I did not have this problem aside from a couple small isolated incidents. You give absolutely no reason for Twilight to suddenly try going without magic to do things aside from a brief musing, which makes no sense why she would continue doing this given how much trouble it was causing her.
And finally wrapping down to my last few nit picks, during your scene of Spike looking for a band-aid you have him look over a box of band-aids only to ignore it. You also gave us almost no clue of when you were transitioning between characters making your already garbled chapter two even more confusing. And let's not forget, despite close to six thousand words, about a quarter of which need to be dropped, you had your characters achieve almost nothing in this chapter.
I'm sorry if this came out unnecessarily harsh, but there are a lot of problems here that need to be addressed and lots of polish still needs to be applied. I'm a casual fan of the zombie survival genre and would like to see your story do well, but in its current form I find it bordering on unreadable.
I look forward to your promised critique of my work.
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Nah man I have been hurt before in this story bro. Seriously! Look at those other comments!
I won't lie. It will always stings when someone bashes or explains the problems of your work, but look at the comments already dude.
I'm fine if you felt it was unreadable. I'm new to writing remember, so I can't really hunker down all the right parts yet, you know.
I'm going to be the guy with the bullet vest and take whatever you give me. I'll just take it dude, and besides. I will eventually get help on those chapters when I have time. Oh and you must remember something also. This was meant to be a long story. So go figure on that can of beans I guess.
I'm really sorry you had to see that second chapter. I did all that and when I look back on it, I feel really stupid because it's well. Hard to transcribe, so to speak.
The same is for every chapter, so don't bother reading them. I fucking dare you not to read those chapters, though they actually do take you somewhere than what you described on chapter 2.
Oh and you must remember one thing. The war ended and I'm basically re-telling it all from the beginning, so I don't quite get what you are saying by thinking its uninteresting. Hell, everybody on Fimfiction fucking starts it right in the middle of the infection or right in the beginning. But do you see people actually making it, with the ponies winning and now are facing mass climate changes, population shortages, world-wide famine and a new war happening all in one. By the way, that will all be explained way later by the last story in this saga. I know, you must be shocked at how I'm planning on making a trilogy when you nearly died from reading that gastric chapter 2! I get it man! I'm new, respect it! Sorry a little off the cuff there.
I have an editor that is fixing up these chapters one by one. Right now that person is focusing on chapter 2, so if you care, care at all to read it. Expect it in a week or so.
Remember too, rico. That whole chapter 1 was actually edited again by the editor. So that's why the grammar mistakes are way less.
Hit me with whatever hate you have for the story man, it only feeds my hunger to write more. Not insulting you there, so don't take it like that.
Funny thing is. Every time I get a comment on this story, I always hope its going to be a compliment. Instead of really critical reviews. Yeah, I wish life with writing was easy man.
And where you going to check my second story too?
Oh right I forgot, I'm rambling again, thanks again and as always;
All the best.